myjourneysinsight

RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS-PART 2

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Judy

RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS

Link to song page for with recordings and other stories: RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS

when life holds pain

All afternoon, I anticipated my evening performance with nervousness. It wasn’t something I usually felt, but I was “jittery.” I texted Hannah (my vocal coach) to let her know I’d be thinking of her when I sang that night.

She wrote back:

“I will be thinking of you having a wonderful performance. ENJOY!”

Then I told her I had the jitters and she wrote:

“Focus on your breath and on talking. You’re just telling a story.”

A man named T Dan drew this caricature and gave it to me. He also plays at Kulak’s Woodshed where I perform.

My performance that night went fine and I was relaxed. Hannah’s words helped me remember the best way for me to sing – to say my truth.

I love to tell stories. This one begins with my reluctance and struggle over releasing my music.

RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS

“Finding my voice”

I learned a great deal about singing from both of my former voice teachers, Peaches and Kimberly. “Finding my voice” is a title I’ve used before and it also applies to being able to speak my honest feelings.

At this time, my third voice teacher, Hannah fits perfectly into my life.

She has brought me back to being myself.

I came to her to help me with a few issues. But mostly, I knew it would be wonderful again to have someone I could share my joy of singing with. I missed that.

Guitar, hand and sky

One thing that Hannah couldn’t emphasize enough was for me to sing the way I speak. I rounded all of my vowels because my former teacher, Kimberly insisted it was a “better sound” and told me I was over-pronouncing my words.

Hannah explained that was more of a “choral singing” approach. She was a country singer and her words to me were chew on those vowels!

Singing in a way similar to how I spoke was such a wonderful thing. It was hard to change my habits, but gradually I noticed the difference. Suddenly, I found my true voice to express my lyrics.

I speak about this in the audio excerpt below:

Blog Excerpt with Hannah 3-27-16

I don’t have any illustrations of rainbows, so fruit will have to do for now.

Last month, the studio where I recorded vocals reopened after being closed since late last year. All of my new recordings sounded so much better – I had a new voice!

Unfortunately, I grappled with the fact that all of my older songs didn’t reflect that change. I had worked for over a year compiling my best songs for an album. I desperately wanted to finish and release something to share with the world.

Even though I struggled with releasing them, I went ahead and uploaded two vocal albums to my distributor (CD Baby). Without any fanfare I put a link to buy music on the right side of my blog.

I am always smiling! Seriously, I snapped this picture taken while looking at my x-ray with a chiropractor that I hoped could help my eye condition. It was definitely a “stretch” of faith and didn’t do anything for me.

I am always smiling! Seriously, I snapped this picture taken while looking at my x-ray with a chiropractor that I hoped could help improve my eye condition. It was definitely a “stretch” of faith and didn’t do anything for me.

A month ago, my eyes began improving after I saw a new eye doctor. He said my eyelids were severely inflamed and that was something I’d never been told before. I was actually relieved to hear there was a problem and it wasn’t all in my mind!

i used to pray

He felt I had an allergy. A tear slid down my cheek as this new doctor was explaining it to me. I could barely process his words because my brain was shouting, “There was always hope!” I had given up on my eyes ever getting better and could hardly believe my good luck.

He gave me some sample eye drops to try; the drops were steroids and only safe to use temporarily. But within a day after using the drops, the debilitating pain in my eyelids was gone. I had a really amazing week, and then after I ran out of the sample eye drops the pain came back.

I had an allergy, but no clue as to what I was allergic to. I discovered that almost every remedy I had been doing made the pain worse, especially artificial tears and eyelid wipes.

I still had some eyelid pain, but life was a lot better for me after that. Having hope and improvement was incredible!

(I have a blog with more detail about my eye journey at:

www.dryeyediaries@wordpress.com)

grief was like night

I was pleased to snap a picture of this Monarch Butterfly last week. Spring is here!

“For so long, I despaired of healing”

It was a beautiful spring morning and I entered the guesthouse for an appointment with my hypnotherapist, Connie. She was eager to hear how I was doing.

I always looked forward to seeing Connie because being with her was an opportunity to really share the things going on inside of me.

All week long, I lived with my two adult sons who weren’t aware of what went on in my head. I didn’t expect much understanding from them and turned my energy into listening, encouraging and supporting them emotionally.

suppress my tears

The common theme that day was one about communicating and speaking my truth.

I had shared with Connie how I kept my feelings inside. The week before a friend kept persistently inviting me to do something I didn’t want to do. I avoided telling her how I really felt by skirting the issue.

My friend didn’t really know me and that made me sad. After discussing this with Connie, my outlook changed. As difficult as it was for me, in the future I would share the truth so my friend could better understand me.

when life was hard

Keeping my feelings in was something I’ve done for most of my life. I was raised by a powerful mother and navigated my life trying to please both of my parents. In my marriage, I consistently kept everything “locked inside.” I was masterful at suppressing any statements or emotions that could rock the boat.

Fruit Stripe

I share another fruit illustration of mine to add color to my story.

I share more of my fruit illustrations to add color to my story.

At my hypnotherapy session the week before, I had another breakthrough on this subject. Suppressed anger was building inside of me. I carried a lot of disappointment over things that had happened that past week. A friend hurt me and one of my kids upset me. The guilt over this was eating me up inside.

I discovered that I really “hated” anger, not those people I was upset with. Once again, it was an example of my black and white thinking. There wasn’t a good or bad person here; it was simply allowing my feelings and not feeling guilty that I was angry.

I told Connie that I was currently singing a vocal for my song “Rainbow Through My Tears.” The lyrics to that song fit perfectly into my life. I had dreamed of seeing a rainbow representing hope. I had composed my song three years ago when my eye problems began and I was going through my divorce. It was a prophecy – something I prayed would happen. I wanted to believe that healing was possible.

My song also had so many lyrics about what it meant to feel again!

those tears I've cried

I shared with Connie that I loved the new way I was singing. But I was frustrated because I had no attachment to the recent albums I had finally released after five years of hard work.

She said that perhaps under hypnosis I would find some insight.

when i couldn't smile

I drifted off and felt soothed. With my eyes closed and feeling totally relaxed, I allowed my subconscious to speak. I said, “You know, I feel like this week I started seeing things in shades of gray – instead of black and white. I’ve accepted and moved on from the things I was angry about. I accept how people can be imperfect and hurt me. Not good or bad, but human.”

Then I added, “Wait! I see another side to black and white. I want to replace the gray. To me, gray is simply mixing those two. And gray is depressing to me. I see color instead! And that fits because having hope made life colorful again for me. Just like my song!”

As I thought about my song with its rainbow metaphor, I smiled broadly.

Rainbow garden

I wasn’t expecting to sell my music and profit from it. I just wanted to reach people who might appreciate what I had to share. Before my appointment, I sent a message to a woman who liked my music last year on Facebook and I offered to mail her a CD for free if she gave me her address.

My session was over and I was standing up to leave. I said to Connie, “You know, I’m going to continue to sing and share. It doesn’t matter whether my albums are my “better voice.” I have too many songs to redo and I want to enjoy my music. I’ll just keep doing what I love.”

Connie gave me a warm hug and I felt inspired as a walked to my car. I decided that I could think about my story in a different way. I could let go of any pressure to be my best. It was all a journey and it would only get better.

guitar & rainbow

When I got in my car, I saw a message on my phone. It was from the woman I had written to earlier in the morning. She wrote:

Oh, I would love your CD! I’m going in for my second surgery anytime and I know it will give me blessings and strength. One day I’d love to meet you; you are such an inspiration.

She gave me her address and ended with:

Thank you so much, you are truly a gift from God, your words touch so many souls… God Bless!

color burst for so long i despaired there was always hope

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

GOING NUTS

Posted on March 13, 2016 by Judy

This is a close up of one of my recent illustrations to be used on a label for a major nut company.

Sometimes, just when I’ve felt like I was “cracking up” – I have found my greatest insight.

For the last few months, I haven’t shared much about my personal life. I didn’t want to complain and it was easier not to write how I honestly felt. I was depressed, living with chronic dry eye pain was wearing me down.

Much of the time, it was difficult for me to fully open my eyes. My spatial awareness wasn’t great. On the way to meet two good friends for dinner, I took a fall on the first step of an outdoor concrete stairway. My knees were bleeding and I cried on that step where I fell for a few minutes. Gradually, I stood up slowly and hobbled up the stairs to join my friends and I knew I was very lucky I hadn’t broken anything. My friends were worried about me. I felt so grateful for their love and concern and by the end of the evening, I managed to find my smile again.

Other than my eye issues, many good things were happening in my life. When I received an illustration assignment from a major nut company, it was the perfect job for me.

Initially, the job had an extremely quick deadline, which I had to promise I could make. The creative director congratulated me for being the artist chosen, but then I was left waiting and wondering when the project would begin. After a week, I followed up and was told that the client was concerned about whether my work was “realistic enough.”

I sent off samples of nut illustrations I had done for another company nine years ago. And then a few days later, my project began. Thankfully, the deadline was no longer five days!

These are samples of my illustrations done for Azar Nuts.

My assignment was to create two illustrations of nuts in a wooden bowl with a window in the background. One bowl held walnuts and the other held mixed nuts. A nutcracker rested on top of the nuts in the bowl. I went shopping and then sent photos of my reference (wooden bowls, nuts and nutcracker) to the art director.

Which pecan?

I discovered that some of the pecans I purchased were different. I sent the photo above to find out which pecan I was supposed to use. I was surprised that the one that I needed wasn’t either of those. I was able to improvise and create them from both the ones I had. I changed the color and added streaks.

These are the ones!

I searched for different nutcrackers and purchased several. It turned out that the one I owned, which I had used as a kid (and was a little tarnished) was the winner.

Was the art director being “picky” about which nutcracker to use? The one chosen was on the upper right.

This is one of my layouts with a shinier nutcracker, which wasn’t chosen over my old one.

Ironically, just after receiving this job, my life took a turn. Large itchy red bumps began to pop up all over my body. I was scratching and it was literally driving me nuts!

I was obviously scratching too much.

Were they bites or a rash? I went to see my dermatologist and he wasn’t even sure what they were. I was given a steroid shot and he did a biopsy. A few days later, the results came back without any real answers. I didn’t care, as long as they didn’t reoccur. Gradually, fewer and fewer popped up and I was left with a lot of scabs.

At my worst, I had about 30 welts and the itchiness was overpowering. I took Benadryl once, which made me dizzy and only added to my misery. I had trouble sleeping and couldn’t do much of anything. For four days I stayed in my bathrobe and kept rubbing all kinds of things on my bumps.

On the weekend, I decided to call my former college art teacher and good friend, Nancy. It was her birthday and I hadn’t spoken with her in over a year. In the dim light of my bedroom, as her phone rang I wondered if I’d reach her.

Nancy answered and sounded so happy to hear from me. It felt great to hear her voice but my own voice was shaky and tearful. Immediately, she asked me what was wrong. I began to pour out all of my frustrations and issues. I was embarrassed because I had called to wish her a happy birthday, not to cry!

I held a wet tissue to my eyes and sniffled as she spoke to me gently. She said, “Jude, you have no idea how amazing you are and I am so sorry for all of these situations where you have been taken advantage of. People, who are kind and sensitive like you are, usually are the ones that get stepped on. But don’t let that affect your self-worth!”

She paused and added, “Getting an art job is incredible! There are so few illustrators out there who consistently get work and make a living at it. You are so fortunate; it really is a message from God. It seems like every time you are down, work comes to lift you up. Have you any idea what an accomplished artist you are?”

We spoke a little longer and then planned to reconnect the following day. After I hung up, I felt so much better and grateful for her words. I remembered being Nancy’s student in college. At that time, I wasn’t even sure about whether to major in art or not!

That afternoon, I got dressed for the first time in a few days. My bites were becoming scabbier and didn’t bleed if I left them alone.

I decided to go for a walk. The weather was beautiful and it felt like spring was here already.

My pathway 2

I was listening to music, as I passed by a young couple sitting on the grass. The woman mouthed something to me that I couldn’t hear. I didn’t want to be rude and ignore her.

I stopped walking, pulled out one ear bud and said, “Hi! I’m sorry – I didn’t hear what you were saying to me.”

She said, “Oh, I just wanted to tell you that you have a lovely smile.”

I wasn’t even aware that I was smiling! I thanked her and said, “It must be because I was listening to music. That always gives me a smile.”

Judy Walking 2

She said, “Oh, it’s more than that. You are radiant – it’s like there’s a light shining from you.”

I smiled even more broadly and thanked her. I replied, “Well, you just made my day.”

I continued walking and thought about the beautiful signposts that would help me now.

Nuts in prog table

Last week, after many rounds of layouts I received approval to work on the foreground of my illustration. My paintbrushes and dyes were spread out on my desk. I began to paint and it felt really good to work with color again – even if it was mostly brown.

Walnut closeup 1

During the time I was itchy, I spent a lot of time wondering where my journey had gone. Was I destined to suffer with my eyes and depression? I had created so many things that were still unfinished; I felt frustrated and discouraged.

I turned everything around by changing my thoughts. Instead of asking myself, “Why haven’t I finished anything,” I asked myself instead, “How can I finish?”

The person I had hired to edit my audio book had held onto it for eight months. She had not followed through on her promises to finish and hadn’t replied to my last inquiry.

I moved forward to finish my audiobook working with someone else. I finalized three albums and sent the songs off to be mastered with someone else. The first engineer, whom I had paid and had given me distorted files, was crossed off my list.

I was determined.

But most importantly, I saw a different eye doctor and that is another story for me to write soon.

After three years of suffering, my eyes began to feel better!

These are lyrics from my song named “Clear.”

© 2016 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged artwork, beautiful music, determination, food artist, Friendship, healing, humor daily life, Illustration, inspirational, itchy, nut crackers, nut illustration, pecans, staying positive, walnuts | 21 Comments

ANGEL IN THE SKY – PART 3

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Judy

In the sky 2
Click the blue link below to hear a guitar recording for my arrangement:

ANGEL IN THE SKY #2 – Guitar Arrangement

Every other Tuesday, I looked forward to performing at Kulak’s Woodshed. I was able to play two songs that were videotaped and streamed on the Web. I loved stepping out of my ordinary world into the enchantment of one of my songs; each one was like a time machine for me.

I found the physical experience of singing mysterious; I was never sure why some performances were better than others. But lately, I noticed a lot of improvement.

I still cry

Last Tuesday night, I chose “Angel in the Sky” as my second song. My first-born son Jason died when he was 5 years old and I wrote that song with him in mind.

I introduced my song with this line:

“So many of my songs are inspired by the child I had that never had a chance to grow up.”

I performed “Angel in the Sky” and escaped into the magic of singing and playing my guitar. But at the end of my performance, it was the last line that gutted me. Jason died in 1992 – it had been so long since I’d seen him.

A wave of emotion filled my eyes with tears and choked my voice. I spoke and still could hardly get the words to come out.

“I miss you so . . . my angel, in the sky.”

ANGEL IN THE SKY

–

My love for you grows over time

with every song and every rhyme

I dream about your sweet embrace

your sparkling eyes; your beautiful face

–

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

I still cry, so you must know I miss you so

my angel in the sky

you’re my angel in the sky

–

Your precious smile glows in my mind

you uplift; you are my gift

And when I die; you’ll hold my hand

my lovely light, just not in sight

–

CHORUS

–

Gone for years and I still cry

don’t you know, my love just didn’t die

–

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

I still cry so you must know

I miss you so, my angel

Gone for years and I still cry

You’re my angel in the sky

Your precious smile

– We had to say goodbye

#2 JASON MARK PART 2

Below are links to other stories about this song:

#329 YOU’RE MY ANGEL

#472 ANGEL IN THE SKY – PART 2

#460 MY LOVELY LIGHT

Love just didn't die

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, angel in the sky, comforting music, death of a child, healing and grief, healing music, hope of healing, inspiration, musical comfort, my angel, optimism, songwriting, You're my angel | 13 Comments

I’M NOT REALLY GONE

Posted on February 11, 2016 by Judy

Judy & Sandra 2

This post is dedicated to the memory of my friend, Sandra Blake Callahan. My title is a line of lyrics from my song “In Every Smile.” The music and story surrounding my song can be found at this link: IN EVERY SMILE

Sometimes, it’s easier not to examine the past. But words are powerful and can penetrate my mind just like a ray of sunshine illuminating a room though a dusty window.

In remembering my blogging friend, Sandra Callahan who died this week, I’ve decided to begin by sharing one of her especially insightful comments. Her words helped me to let go of a long-held belief that didn’t serve me.

When I began myjourneysinsight in 2010, all I wanted to do was express my feelings. For thirty years, I held everything in and carried a lot of grief. But the more I wrote, the better I felt and life began to become joyful again.

That was a stark contrast to the unhappiness I lived with on a daily basis. I was very lonely and withdrawn in my marriage. I was also overwhelmed with caring for my parents and challenging children.

I can honestly say that my music and writing helped me find my courage. Shortly after my father died, I left my marriage.

Azalea

I was able to stay married for 31 years because I accepted the emotional distance in my relationship. I was also terrified of change or rocking the boat.

My husband and I never fought about anything. He was very unhappy, and gradually I went from feeling apathetic about our relationship to disliking him. He probably felt the same way about me, too.

I carried guilt over ending my marriage because my husband never expected I would leave. On one of my blog stories, I wrote that he was a good provider because he always went to work every day. He hadn’t cheated on me. He didn’t gamble or drink. I had betrayed him.

But when Sandra wrote a comment to share her observation, it opened my eyes.

It was especially touching because Sandra cherished her husband, Chris. She found true love later in her life, and never hesitated to write how much she appreciated this wonderful man who adored her.

Sandra caught me with my own line of, “He was a good provider” and gave me more clarity than I was prepared for. She said:

“He was not a good provider. It breaks my heart to think of you, with all your sparkle and life light, being starved for affection. We all need love and your children filled part of that for you but I know that someday you will find that person who is in awe of you and appreciates you for the amazing human being that you are. Following your heart is the key to peace and self-love. Staying in a loveless marriage is not a good idea. I am sure there are hurt feelings but it is better to be alone and happy. You are an incredible woman with amazing strength.”

Hawthorn

Her message made me think about the “story” I told myself, which only burdened me with guilt. I literally “bought into” the idea that money was more important than my emotional needs.

After her comment, I stopped telling myself what a great provider my ex-husband was.

I know that soon you will leave me

These lyrics are from my song “Never Gone Away.”

Now I want to share some other messages from Sandra. Every one of them is a gem for me:

Judy, I have such fond memories of my time with you. Your beautiful music and voice are still fresh in my mind. It means a lot that you take the time out of your busy life to read and connect with me. Ever since meeting you in Yosemite, I have a special place in my heart for you.

You aren’t Streisand? Why would you want to be when you are Judy and have such a gift to share?

We must suffer in life to know when we are not suffering. We need to suffer so we know how to be grateful for all we have been given. I have been given much and am grateful to my suffering as well as my blessings.

Dandelion

Oh the pressure is on to be “wise” 🙂 I understand your reaction and love you for caring. Please let the sadness pass and think of the joy that comes with each breath I take. Each one is a little gift and reminder of how miraculous life is. I just have such gratitude for the life I was given: the people I have been blessed to love and be loved by. You are icing on my cake and yes, I dare think I will be here after the holidays and will enjoy our next visit!!

Judy, I never think any of my symptoms are a burden. For me, they simply are. They remind me that we each have our own journey. I so look forward to seeing you and need to email you to discuss details and timing. Unfortunately I have gotten much worse since the last time we met. We all die sometime, that is not tragedy. I just want to live through another holiday season.

Your humor is one of the most awesome things about you! Your talent as an artist in multiple media is impressive, however, I would feel a little sad for anyone who has not been treated to your humorous side!

Yarrow

I wish that I could say it is courage. But honestly I just don’t know any other way to move through this event. You are one of the few who truly know about saying goodbye and what that feels like. Please know that when I say it, they won’t be words of regret.

That’s what we are here for isn’t it? To follow our path and support others as they follow theirs? That is the way you live.

You could be bitter and think the world an ugly place, but you offer your love and support to those you have not even met. Your music moves people; it did Chris and I. The love, as well as the suffering comes through, and comes from a place of love rather than a place of resentment or anger. The world is a better place for having you in it.

Marshmallow

Judy, I was not expecting to meet someone like him ever! I am surprised and delighted that he could love me. It is my firm belief that love comes to us when we least expect it and hopefully when we are ready to receive it.

Your love is out there waiting for you. When you are ready it will be there. I can’t imagine going through this without him. I probably could but don’t want to:) my heart goes out to anyone who is going through something like this without the love I have been so blessed with.

When your time comes I will stand at the end of your bed and welcome you to the rest of your soul’s life. You have many years ahead and songs to write before that day, but know that I will be there.

This is Sandra's favorite picture of her and Chris.

This was Sandra’s favorite picture of her and Chris.

I end my post with Sandra’s wisdom written shortly before she died of heart failure:

I am dying.

I am going to die.

I am going to die and it doesn’t upset me.

How does someone live with this?  How do you go on with your life for today?  How can you be so calm in the face of this very real fact?

You do it the way every human that walks this earth. We are all dying aren’t we? Some of us have conditions that make ours a bit more imminent. Anyone could decide that it is too scary; some actually do and don’t live their life to the fullest.

The question? What happens when we die? Though I do not rush to death’s door in search of this answer, I do not think of slowing it down. I don’t think of my loss as some have assumed. I do hope I leave enough love and good memories behind to make my passing easier on those I love. You will have questions regarding your own mortality in those moments. It is ok to say it out loud, those who love you will understand, and the rest of them can go to the own little hell they have created for themselves.

May you be held in the arms of those you love when you leave this world. In that sense dying is a bit like being born isn’t it?

Sandra & Chris