SHE GAVE ME WINGS

In 1997, I received an illustration assignment for a series of note cards. I ended up illustrating six butterflies, a honeybee, and two flowers. Of those paintings, only the four butterflies were published.

Whenever I painted anything, the first thing I did was search out reference. Because I liked insects and butterflies, I had a few books and photos. While looking at my files, I came across a clipping. It mentioned that there was a lady who wasn’t too far away from where I lived. She specialized in renting insects. I called her and set up an appointment. This would be perfect, because an actual insect would be much better reference than any photo in a book.

Here are some of my own specimens, which I’ve started collecting!

 

The house was on a residential street; I tapped on the screen door. I was about to leave when I heard a lady yell to me that she would be there soon. I waited, and it took about ten minutes. The door swung open and there was a huge woman in a wheelchair; she was gasping from the effort of coming to answer the door. I had never seen anyone as large in my entire life. I would estimate that she weighed perhaps, five hundred pounds. She beckoned me inside.

As I entered a dim room, I was still blinded by the incredible colors and reflections that surrounded me. Every available space on the walls had insect specimens on them. There were glowing iridescent beetles, enormous moths, shimmering, metallic looking butterflies and scores of frightening spiders and scorpions. It was such a dazzling display!

I was fascinated. I followed this woman as she struggled to push herself in her wheelchair toward a back room. When she caught her breath, she warmly shook my hand and introduced herself as Cathy. With great effort, she pulled out a few trays from different cabinets. When she needed to go into the other room to get more, it was with a lot of difficulty. I was very patient, because I was observing the spectacle before me – I had never seen such a beautiful display of insects.

Insects had always fascinated me, so this was truly engrossing for me. I had given her a list of butterfly species that I needed to illustrate, and Cathy opened up one of her trays to remove an insect.

She gently lifted out the specimen and pinned it onto a board. She used tweezers and deftly adjusted each antenna and leg. We talked while she worked. She enjoyed sharing information about butterflies. I had already known that the powder on their wings was very important; touching a live butterfly wing can end up killing the insect if enough of the powder comes off.

We discussed how many insects I would be taking home. She charged me $30 a specimen, which was lower than her usual fee. The insects were very delicate, and I left her house taking great care not to damage then.

After I illustrated six butterflies, I was asked to illustrate a honeybee. I called Cathy and asked her if she had any. We set up another appointment.

Just like the last time, it took her a very, long time to answer the door. She shared that recently she had been ill and her face was ashen. I felt very sorry for her, and asked if there was anything I could do. We talked for a long time about many things. She created artistic displays using butterfly wings, and her passion was evident. I enjoyed being with her.

Since my next illustration was of a honeybee, she showed an array of bees. I had no idea there were so many types! It was difficult for me to know which one my client wanted illustrated. Cathy generously said she’d give me a few extra for the same price. Although it was rare for me to feel squeamish, I did when looking at the huge stingers on some of those bees!When my project was finished, I called Cathy. However, I did not reach her and my calls were not returned. A few days later, I received a call.

The woman on the phone told me that the “Butterfly Lady” had died; Cathy was 54 years old. I was asked to kindly return the specimens, which I did.

I was invited to a memorial service for her. However, I was not prepared to face all the sadness. I wondered what demons plagued this ill, housebound woman, who was far too young to succumb to death at only 54 years of age. I spoke at length to the woman sharing the news with me; Cathy had a lot of friends and family that would be there.

If I listed regrets in my life, this would be there. I wish I had gone.

At my art blog there are more images and stories about my butterfly illustrating experiences!

#31 WINGING THESE ILLUSTRATIONS -POST ON JUDY’S ART BLOG

The magazine clipping that started it all.

 

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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SAYING GOODBYE

#19 SAYING GOODBYE

Link to song page with story links, a performance and recordings: SAYING GOODBYE
So few words 2

I am writing this post before I leave for a five-day family vacation tomorrow to Ventura. So I am saying goodbye! Of course, I’ll be back by next weekend

Family vacations have never been relaxing for me; however, I’ve been doing far less for my family these days. I’m hoping they’ll appreciate spending time with me, and I’ll try really hard to not listen to my iPod unless they’re doing something else. I plan to bring my old, classical guitar along so I can play a little in the middle of the night!

I won’t be writing while I’m gone, but I’m sure I’ll look forward to sharing something when I return. Next weekend, I have two performances at Border’s, so life will be busy. I’m also meeting my high school music teacher for lunch on Saturday, and that is quite exciting for me. The last time I saw her, I was not a singer! (I still don’t consider myself a singer, by the way.) My teacher, Frankie, was very supportive last December when my mother was ill on a respirator.

I also named this post, “Saying Goodbye” for my song with that name.

I began writing songs when I was sixteen-years-old. The emotions in my life were channeled into each and every song, as well as projections of love and loss I hadn’t yet experienced.

I made a conscious effort to make every song of mine different. I know I have mentioned more than a few times that my songs are like “babies” for me. There was definitely a “birthing” process for every song I’ve written.

“Saying Goodbye” was written when I was nineteen. Originally, it was a break-up song. I decided to break up with Michael because he was always unhappy that I wanted to date a lot of other guys. Imagine that! He pouted a lot, especially when I told him I wanted to date other people. I finally decided he was so unhappy with me; that it was best we stop seeing each other since I was so immature.

I’ve mentioned I was fickle, and I did miss him. Therefore, I wrote him a song. The story goes that I ran into him six months after that, and I decided we could get back together. A year later we were married. This year, we will have been married thirty years.

This song always felt very meaningful for me. It had a strong, strumming beat that ended with a musical crescendo. I could sing out loudly and passionately on this song!

After my five-year-old son, Jason, died in 1992, singing was not joyful for me at all. However, I derived comfort by playing certain songs at his gravesite and performing them in situations such as the holiday gathering of the Compassionate Friends.

For thirty years, I played the same song for my children – Puff the Magic Dragon. In this picture, I’m with Jason and he loved my guitar playing. Currently, my 13-year-old son enjoys singing also.

I changed the lyrics to three of my songs. The songs were: Beside Me Always, More Than You Know, and Saying Goodbye.

As I have been in the process of “rediscovering” my songs, I have wondered which version of “Saying Goodbye” I would record.

Late last night, I was busy typing out the chords for my arranger, George, as well as for myself – since I use a capo on my guitar to play in a comfortable key. I typed out both versions – the break-up one, as well as the one about loss. The one about loss could also be about a break-up, and felt much truer for me.

However, I was aware this song was far less “unique” if I chose to make it another song about loss. I have quite a few of those!

The lyrics have a lot of similarity. I mention “the flowers have all died” – Michael used to always bring me flowers while we were dating. In the revised version, the flowers refer to the ones that died after the funeral.

I was in my bathroom practicing this morning. I came out to get ready to leave to record my song. My husband looked up from where he was and made a comment to me. He said, “Who is in love and do you know who died?”

I looked toward him and said, “Did some celebrity die that I should know about?” I was actually puzzled!

Then he said with a playful grin on his face, “I was asking you that question because in every one of your songs, either someone’s in love or someone’s dead!”

I guess if I ever write a new song, I’ll have to come up with some other subjects!

I thought perhaps I would do two sets of vocals, however, there was only time for me to record one version of my song. I sang over and over for George, until tears were oozing out of my eyes. It was hard work trying to get the feeling into my voice. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel it; I just didn’t hear it in my voice.

It was also exhausting working with George on this song’s arrangement today. I am not that rhythmic, but my guitar playing has improved significantly since I started playing again this past January (after thirty years).

Audio from my voice lesson on 8/16/10 with Peaches below:

LESSON WITH PEACHES – SAYING GOODBYE LESSON 8/16/10

 

SAYING GOODBYE

Original Song by Judy Unger, Copyright 2010


So few words, and so much to say

A part of me has gone

It left with you that day

Now it’s all over, and the flowers have all died

You’ll never be replaced

And the hole remains inside


I knew losing you wouldn’t be easy

And I always expected to cry

But I should have known

How hard it is just saying goodbye

A bad dream, just another nightmare

I wish that I’d wake up, and somehow you’d still be there

But I’m hanging in there; trying to be strong

I can’t live in the past, because something went wrong


CHORUS

The memories are forever, locked inside my mind

And the hardest thing of all, is to leave your touch behind

I knew losing you wouldn’t be easy

I always expected to cry

But I should have known

How hard it is just saying goodbye

I knew losing you wouldn’t be easy

I always expected to cry

But I should have known

How hard it is just saying goodbye

How hard it is just saying goodbye

How hard it is just saying goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye my love, goodbye . . .

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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WITH THE PASSAGE OF YEARS

LYRICS TO MY ORIGINAL SONG – ONLY TEARS

Please god, don’t tell me I have to grow up and face a whole lot of trauma. That would include three teenagers, a truckload of pets and elderly parents!

Although I am busy living, I truly enjoy updating my blog to share my joy and connection with my heart.

Yesterday was quite joyous for me as I recorded a very special song, “Only Tears.” I was very happy with the way I sang it, as well as the arrangement.

I wrote this song for my close friend, Cheryl. (It’s on the music page of the blog.) This song was also a tribute to all my friends back in 1980. In a few days, it will be Cheryl’s birthday. She died in February of 2008 from breast cancer.

I have wondered what songs I might write once I’ve finished “unloading” all my former musical compositions of my youth. It was huge for me that I sat down and wrote new lyrics a week ago.

I wrote a completely new, last verse for Only Tears.

It was for her.

7/13 LESSON WITH PEACHES SINGING “JUST A TUNE”

8/3 PEACHES LESSON A

8/3 PEACHES LESSON B

GOOD LIST

Our little dog, Killer, is using his “Potty Patch.” No more wondering where he is peeing since it was full of pee the other day. YAY!

I played Scrabble last night for the first time in a while. I used to go to a club many years ago, and really enjoyed the challenge of this game. The best part about last night was spending time with newer friends, whom I really enjoyed being with outside of slugging tennis balls in their faces!

On Tuesday, I had a wonderful voice lesson with Peaches. Her encouragement and support had me singing my heart out.

I’ve noticed that there are so many things different about the “new person I’ve become.” My voice is different. My walk is different. I stride with a bounce in my step, and feel as if my heart is bursting outside of my body when I feel the sunlight on me.

This morning, I was listening to the song, “If,” by Bread. As I listened with earphones, tears were streaming down my face as I absorbed every note of the arrangement.

Today, I saw my good friend, Marge. Our outing included a museum, dinner, and then the most beautiful part of all. We sat together as dusk fell on a park bench. I played my guitar and together we sang a few songs. I especially enjoyed playing the song I wrote for her entitled, “You’ll Have Never Gone Away.” As coolness and darkness descended on us, the sensation was magical. Music filled my soul today.

My friend, Janet, whom I totally enjoyed playing Scrabble with the other night. This picture of us and “Killer” was taken earlier this year at the annual MS Walk.

BAD LIST:

Yesterday, I stepped on a poop barefoot. The good news is that it wasn’t squishy and I leapt up in time!

A broken pool pump that needed to be replaced was another huge expense. There’s always a silver lining, though. I came home last night and my eyes glistened when I saw both my sons helping my husband install the new one.

I will never, ever want to do my taxes even with the extension until October!

9/29/83

Judy –

You have given me all of these and I can truly say that your friendship is the most valuable. I know you are going through a very difficult time right now and I admire and respect you for all that you have done. Change and growth are very painful but well worth the time and energy, I know. Keep fighting and believing in yourself, for I believe in you. I love you, Judy, and I’m right here with you. Thank you for your love and friendship and all the beautiful paintings, poems, and songs (and of course, my beautiful BD present) you have given me. I love you.

Cheryl

Jude –

We have been through so much together, you and I, and now we are going through yet another transition together. We don’t always see each other as much as we’d like, or even talk on the phone on a regular basis, but we know in our hearts that we are always together in thought – and Judy, my thoughts are with you, as is my heart, during this transitional period for you and Michael. I hope this day will be the beginning of years of challenge, discoveries and much happiness – for you are both following your dreams . . .

I love you, Judy, and I will always be there to support you in whatever you do – no matter where we are or what we’re doing. Have a wonderful 25th birthday!

Love always, Cheryl

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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I’VE LIVED AMIDST BROKEN HEARTS

Lunch with my fellow, bereaved moms – twelve years later.

There was no question about it. Remembering my involvement in Compassionate Friends this morning was definitely “up and out” writing therapy.

Although I am tired, I want to write about my lunch today seeing Lori and Allison. Both women looked absolutely wonderful; neither had changed at all – in fact all three of us looked radiant in comparison to those times where we carried the heavy load of grief.

There was a lot of catching up to do. I started to tell Lori something and she grinned. She said she read everything on my blog and knew me “really well.” That would be true, since I write deeply revealing personal feelings there.

I laughed hard when she said, “Judy, what is with you and all those pets? Don’t you have enough to take care of in your life?”

She was definitely right about that!

It was amazing for Lori and I to consider that both our oldest sons were now in college. For all three of us, our babies were now of high school age!

Then, Allison said something very interesting. She said she felt that sometimes she was too overly protective of her daughters; she was unsure of her strictness. She worried that she was trying to control everything and wondered if it was a reaction to the uncertainty resulting from her grief experience. Was it because she felt something awful could happen at any time?

We all agreed that uncertainty made our lives precious indeed. We all talked about how keenly sensitive we were to other peoples’ tragedies, and how easy it was to absorb their pain.

Allison thought that her year of intense grief involvement was a luxury that not everyone had. She paused and said, “Sometimes I’ll feel guilty because I’ll forget about one of Adam’s anniversaries of the heart. I’ll realize it had already passed, and I didn’t have any anguish about it.”

I was envious of her remark, and yet elated for her at the same time.

Lori talked about how difficult it was transferring her videotapes onto DVD’s. She would walk around the room to view her dead son as the TV played, and leave the room when it became too difficult.

I mentioned in passing something that has been quite momentous for me. I lived for a long time watching videotapes of Jason – it kept me going. However, for the last several years they have been misplaced. I don’t know where they are, or if I’ll ever find our box of videotapes again. It’s a long story, however, I’ve accepted it and that is huge for me.

Jason lives on in my life much more now than on those videotapes.

As we parted, we all agreed that it would not be another twelve years until we met again.

A card I received from Lori many years ago

A card I received from Allison many years ago.

Sadly, he would never have six candles.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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