myjourneysinsight

IT BECAME THE START

Posted on August 19, 2010 by Judy

This was an assignment I did in Junior High. I had to create a “business,” so I created a diet restaurant! I feel like I’m running one right now with our family!

I am healthy. Let me say that again. I AM HEALTHY!

My fingernails, which I originally grew to appear “less disfigured,” have turned out to be an amazing asset for guitar playing. I have rediscovered my classical compositions and it has been very exciting for me. However, although I’ve written about pain and trauma in my life – there is something I am not looking forward to. That would be experiencing the pain of breaking a fingernail!

As our situation and debt becomes more “dire,” I am amazed at how calm I feel. I’ve decided that this is my time in life now. I remember that not too long ago, we invested considerable money for our youngest son to attend a private school, and that saved him. I realize that what I am doing now is investing in myself.

I love every moment of my life right now.

I spend an enormous amount of time writing two blogs, practicing music, and performing. This is in addition to shopping and maintaining our household. I seek no money at all for what I am doing. I am sharing my knowledge, my feelings, my stories, and my music for free. I love the fact that my performances at Border’s are free also.

In my heart I feel certain that what I am doing is still valuable – even if I have no income. I see a future that includes money someday. However, even if that never happens I wouldn’t regret what I am doing one iota!

There are simply not enough words or even the capacity of language to describe my joy from what music has brought to my life.

Here I am eight-years-old, and I already look worried!

One of those pictures that has me wondering why I always thought I was fat.

I’ve decided that today I want to write about another thing that has really made me happy. That would be my physical, self-image.

My entire life I’ve struggled with my weight. Having children and gaining so much weight during my pregnancies (100 pounds with Jason), certainly was real. However, I have found it interesting to see younger pictures of myself where I wasn’t really that heavy. I tortured myself thinking that I was for most of my life.

It wasn’t too long ago when I felt resigned to the fact that I would never be able to lose the weight that made me miserable. Recently, I came across a diary entry where I wrote that I was losing weight for my own wedding! In my entry, I mention that I had an injection in my scar. Prior to my wedding I had plastic surgery for a scar on my chin resulting from a car accident.

Now even my scar feels beautiful for me! I feel liberated now to be fifty. I feel far more beautiful now than I felt when I was thirty or forty.

In the entry below, my music was already starting to fade. I was a nail biter my entire life except for a very brief period when I studied classical guitar for one semester. I was already back to biting my nails; they were gone when I wrote this entry.

Clicking on this brings it up larger.

I’m hoping I’ll never bite my nails again.

I am not going to say that I am certain that I will never struggle with weight again. However, it has been very interesting for me that the whole process of my losing weight this year was about the release of all my sadness. Since I began writing my blog in February, I have lost thirty pounds. It amazes me how easy it was.

I am not hungry for foods that are not “helpful” for me. I don’t really care if I lose any more weight or not. I feel fantastic with where I am right at this moment.

I only eat when I am hungry, and I enjoy what I eat. However overall, food is actually very unimportant to me. I am so filled up with other things in my life; I no longer need to fill myself up with food.

I will end this post with two more pages from my diaries. The entry from 1984 was the second to last entry; I didn’t write again until this past February. I was clearly entering a different phase in my life, and I was hopeful that my weight problems were over.

I had no idea what awaited me with my pregnancy and with Jason’s ordeals.

I worked as a secretary in the summers during college.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged Daily Life, dieting, Humor, humor children, humor daily life, nail biting, parenting, positive outlook, self image, weight issues, weight loss | Leave a comment

CRYSTAL OCEANS – PART 1

Posted on August 16, 2010 by Judy

Clicking the blue link below plays a later recording of Crystal Oceans:

Crystal Oceans Acoustic 4-25-18

BELOW IS AUDIO FROM MY VOICE LESSON – Once again, this is only for people that are interested in my passion for singing and songwriting.

LESSON WITH PEACHES – 8/16/10

LESSON WITH PEACHES ON CRYSTAL OCEANS – 8/16/10

While on vacation with my family last week, I decided to see if I could revise one of my favorite songs written when I was sixteen years old. The old song that I concentrated on was named “Crystal Oceans.” I had reworked the song, “So Real” into something new – so I was sure that this song was worthy of that effort.

My song had a nice, catchy chorus, and a bunch of la la la’s. It really needed some verses! Initially, I felt like the name “Crystal Oceans” needed to be changed. It was a nice metaphor for blue eyes, but didn’t really describe the feelings in the song.

I wrote this song when I was simply a young teenager dreaming of possibilities; it was not written for my husband. I thought of renaming my song “Into Your Heart,” but after receiving feedback from my friends I decided that Crystal Oceans was actually a sweet name.

This morning when I started writing, I didn’t plan to write about my new song. But I think my feelings connect to what I am currently doing. I’ve decided that I feel like Cinderella.

Unfortunately, I started out thinking I was like Cinderella – but not in a good way. I envisioned that as I danced around like a princess through my life, it would all suddenly change.

In a moment, my beautiful joy and demeanor would suddenly dissolve into gray and drab surroundings; the way it was for a very long time.

I am like someone who has spun around completely into a new existence. The best description I remembered using before, was that I was like a teakettle of emotion that simply exploded when I started writing.

I’ve always been an open person, but not to this degree. Most of the people who knew me, hardly ever heard me mention my deceased son. Certainly, I don’t think I ever mentioned that there was a time in my life when I loved guitar, songwriting and music either.

While I was on vacation last week, I looked at an old blog post of mine, and could hardly believe I had written it. I wished I had the time to delete most of my entries that I giddily thought at one time were so interesting. However, since my Cinderella story began with my writing – I feel hesitation to change anything. My writing documents the changes that have happened to me.

I like the idea that I’ve shared optimism and hopefulness!

I’m embarrassed quite often at how much I have revealed to my friends, as well as imposed. I frequently sent out far more emails than a normal person would. Hopefully, they will forgive me.

I think my awareness is part of my returning back to being a more “balanced person” again.

I have three teenagers and even though I no longer write about them, the challenges are there. My elderly parents depend on me and that is something that is also quite difficult for me.

I have not mentioned my husband too much. My husband and I have been very remote from each other for a long time. The death of our son and our childrens’ challenges made things quite difficult. We are still very committed to each other, but the distance is there.

Here was a huge challenge for me: I’m fifty years old; how could I write verses to a love song? I’ve been married almost thirty years and I needed to tap into what I felt like as a teenager. This was going to be very interesting!

Somehow it came together for me, and it was indescribable. Writing about love and possibilities seems to fit well in my life right now.

I think the knowledge of “possibilities” is what has saved me. Although I started out thinking that my Cinderella life might turn gray again, I ended up realizing that in the actual Cinderella story, the prince finds her and she lives happily ever after.

I would like to be an inspiration for other people to know that despite loss and sadness, there is hope that joy can once again enter into your heart.

–

CRYSTAL OCEANS

Into your heart, I hoped I could reach

From the day I saw you, walking on that beach

Into your arms, I wanted to be

comforted, caressed, held securely

–

I wanted you, and I’d often dreamed of what could be

‘cause in your eyes I’d look and I could see

crystal oceans sparkling ‘pon the sand

I’m longing for the warmth of your hand

–

Into your heart, I wished for a chance

you might get to know me; imagining romance

Into your mind, where memories reside

we’d write a new story, dancing in the tide

–

I wanted you, and I’d often dreamed of what could be

‘cause in your eyes I’d look and I could see

crystal oceans sparkling ‘pon the sand

I’m longing for the warmth of your hand

–

Into your heart, I searched for a way

Your smile melted me from that first day

–

I wanted you, and I’d often dreamed of what could be

‘cause in your eyes I thought that I could see

crystal oceans sparkling ‘pon the sand

I’m longing for the warmth of your hand

–

I wanted you and I didn’t think you’d notice me

But then you smiled my way and you

took my hand, so it became the start

The moment you let me in your heart

–

Tagged acoustic guitar, blue eyes, composing, creativity, crystal oceans, guitar, hoping for romance, inspiration, into your heart, Judy Unger, love, love and marraige, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, on that beach, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, romantic song, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, warmth of a hand, writing | Leave a comment

SHE GAVE ME WINGS

Posted on August 15, 2010 by Judy

In 1997, I received an illustration assignment for a series of note cards. I ended up illustrating six butterflies, a honeybee, and two flowers. Of those paintings, only the four butterflies were published.

Whenever I painted anything, the first thing I did was search out reference. Because I liked insects and butterflies, I had a few books and photos. While looking at my files, I came across a clipping. It mentioned that there was a lady who wasn’t too far away from where I lived. She specialized in renting insects. I called her and set up an appointment. This would be perfect, because an actual insect would be much better reference than any photo in a book.

Here are some of my own specimens, which I’ve started collecting!

The house was on a residential street; I tapped on the screen door. I was about to leave when I heard a lady yell to me that she would be there soon. I waited, and it took about ten minutes. The door swung open and there was a huge woman in a wheelchair; she was gasping from the effort of coming to answer the door. I had never seen anyone as large in my entire life. I would estimate that she weighed perhaps, five hundred pounds. She beckoned me inside.

As I entered a dim room, I was still blinded by the incredible colors and reflections that surrounded me. Every available space on the walls had insect specimens on them. There were glowing iridescent beetles, enormous moths, shimmering, metallic looking butterflies and scores of frightening spiders and scorpions. It was such a dazzling display!

I was fascinated. I followed this woman as she struggled to push herself in her wheelchair toward a back room. When she caught her breath, she warmly shook my hand and introduced herself as Cathy. With great effort, she pulled out a few trays from different cabinets. When she needed to go into the other room to get more, it was with a lot of difficulty. I was very patient, because I was observing the spectacle before me – I had never seen such a beautiful display of insects.

Insects had always fascinated me, so this was truly engrossing for me. I had given her a list of butterfly species that I needed to illustrate, and Cathy opened up one of her trays to remove an insect.

She gently lifted out the specimen and pinned it onto a board. She used tweezers and deftly adjusted each antenna and leg. We talked while she worked. She enjoyed sharing information about butterflies. I had already known that the powder on their wings was very important; touching a live butterfly wing can end up killing the insect if enough of the powder comes off.

We discussed how many insects I would be taking home. She charged me $30 a specimen, which was lower than her usual fee. The insects were very delicate, and I left her house taking great care not to damage then.

After I illustrated six butterflies, I was asked to illustrate a honeybee. I called Cathy and asked her if she had any. We set up another appointment.

Just like the last time, it took her a very, long time to answer the door. She shared that recently she had been ill and her face was ashen. I felt very sorry for her, and asked if there was anything I could do. We talked for a long time about many things. She created artistic displays using butterfly wings, and her passion was evident. I enjoyed being with her.

Since my next illustration was of a honeybee, she showed an array of bees. I had no idea there were so many types! It was difficult for me to know which one my client wanted illustrated. Cathy generously said she’d give me a few extra for the same price. Although it was rare for me to feel squeamish, I did when looking at the huge stingers on some of those bees!When my project was finished, I called Cathy. However, I did not reach her and my calls were not returned. A few days later, I received a call.

The woman on the phone told me that the “Butterfly Lady” had died; Cathy was 54 years old. I was asked to kindly return the specimens, which I did.

I was invited to a memorial service for her. However, I was not prepared to face all the sadness. I wondered what demons plagued this ill, housebound woman, who was far too young to succumb to death at only 54 years of age. I spoke at length to the woman sharing the news with me; Cathy had a lot of friends and family that would be there.

If I listed regrets in my life, this would be there. I wish I had gone.

At my art blog there are more images and stories about my butterfly illustrating experiences!

#31 WINGING THESE ILLUSTRATIONS -POST ON JUDY’S ART BLOG

The magazine clipping that started it all.

Tagged Art, artist, artwork, bee illustration, butterflies, butterfly, butterfly illustrations, Illustration, illustrator, insect illustrations, insects, painting, watercolor paintings, watercolors | 2 Comments

SAYING GOODBYE

Posted on August 8, 2010 by Judy

–

Link to song page with story links, a performance and recordings: SAYING GOODBYE–

I am writing this post before I leave for a five-day family vacation tomorrow to Ventura. So I am saying goodbye! Of course, I’ll be back by next weekend

Family vacations have never been relaxing for me; however, I’ve been doing far less for my family these days. I’m hoping they’ll appreciate spending time with me, and I’ll try really hard to not listen to my iPod unless they’re doing something else. I plan to bring my old, classical guitar along so I can play a little in the middle of the night!

I won’t be writing while I’m gone, but I’m sure I’ll look forward to sharing something when I return. Next weekend, I have two performances at Border’s, so life will be busy. I’m also meeting my high school music teacher for lunch on Saturday, and that is quite exciting for me. The last time I saw her, I was not a singer! (I still don’t consider myself a singer, by the way.) My teacher, Frankie, was very supportive last December when my mother was ill on a respirator.

I also named this post, “Saying Goodbye” for my song with that name.

I began writing songs when I was sixteen-years-old. The emotions in my life were channeled into each and every song, as well as projections of love and loss I hadn’t yet experienced.

I made a conscious effort to make every song of mine different. I know I have mentioned more than a few times that my songs are like “babies” for me. There was definitely a “birthing” process for every song I’ve written.

“Saying Goodbye” was written when I was nineteen. Originally, it was a break-up song. I decided to break up with Michael because he was always unhappy that I wanted to date a lot of other guys. Imagine that! He pouted a lot, especially when I told him I wanted to date other people. I finally decided he was so unhappy with me; that it was best we stop seeing each other since I was so immature.

I’ve mentioned I was fickle, and I did miss him. Therefore, I wrote him a song. The story goes that I ran into him six months after that, and I decided we could get back together. A year later we were married. This year, we will have been married thirty years.

This song always felt very meaningful for me. It had a strong, strumming beat that ended with a musical crescendo. I could sing out loudly and passionately on this song!

After my five-year-old son, Jason, died in 1992, singing was not joyful for me at all. However, I derived comfort by playing certain songs at his gravesite and performing them in situations such as the holiday gathering of the Compassionate Friends.

For thirty years, I played the same song for my children – Puff the Magic Dragon. In this picture, I’m with Jason and he loved my guitar playing. Currently, my 13-year-old son enjoys singing also.

I changed the lyrics to three of my songs. The songs were: Beside Me Always, More Than You Know, and Saying Goodbye.

As I have been in the process of “rediscovering” my songs, I have wondered which version of “Saying Goodbye” I would record.

Late last night, I was busy typing out the chords for my arranger, George, as well as for myself – since I use a capo on my guitar to play in a comfortable key. I typed out both versions – the break-up one, as well as the one about loss. The one about loss could also be about a break-up, and felt much truer for me.

However, I was aware this song was far less “unique” if I chose to make it another song about loss. I have quite a few of those!

The lyrics have a lot of similarity. I mention “the flowers have all died” – Michael used to always bring me flowers while we were dating. In the revised version, the flowers refer to the ones that died after the funeral.

I was in my bathroom practicing this morning. I came out to get ready to leave to record my song. My husband looked up from where he was and made a comment to me. He said, “Who is in love and do you know who died?”

I looked toward him and said, “Did some celebrity die that I should know about?” I was actually puzzled!

Then he said with a playful grin on his face, “I was asking you that question because in every one of your songs, either someone’s in love or someone’s dead!”

I guess if I ever write a new song, I’ll have to come up with some other subjects!

I thought perhaps I would do two sets of vocals, however, there was only time for me to record one version of my song. I sang over and over for George, until tears were oozing out of my eyes. It was hard work trying to get the feeling into my voice. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel it; I just didn’t hear it in my voice.

It was also exhausting working with George on this song’s arrangement today. I am not that rhythmic, but my guitar playing has improved significantly since I started playing again this past January (after thirty years).