I SING FROM MY HEART, PART 2

“The Art of Singing”

Because I was an artist for thirty years, I see so many correlations of art to music. I love the concept of my voice having a “palette” of sounds.

Lately, I have become very aware of the sounds my voice produces. My voice teacher, Peaches, has really helped me to find those variations. It truly has been inspiring for me to discover breathy choices, or smiling moments when I sing.

In only a few weeks, it will be one year since I began working with Peaches. I wrote about my first lesson on Post #74 My Mid-life Turning Point.

The “art of singing” includes one of my favorite “art tips,” which applies to so many areas of my life. That would be my statement that “less is more.” When I was an illustrator, simplicity was always preferable to over-working my paintings.

When I was younger, I sang with abandon without really hearing myself as I sang. Passion was expressed with volume; I sang in higher keys and loudly!

When I learned to sing more softly instead of belting things out, it was a revelation for me. There are delicate tones in music, just as there are in a painting!

Certainly, singing is extremely complex, especially while I am playing my guitar. One of the areas that I am trying to improve upon is where I choose to sing my words.

I like the metaphor that singing my song is like “singing while on a conveyor belt.” I must always “move along” with a song. Sometimes I am moving comfortably and sometimes I wait – but there is always movement. If I fall behind, I “hop on” somewhere else. Sometimes I jump ahead, but always the song moves along.

Perhaps that is why I sometimes feel more comfortable singing with my guitar than with an arrangement. I control the movement of “the conveyor belt” and I am not focused on simply figuring out where to sing with my arrangement’s “predetermined” movements!

However, while playing my guitar there is a lot of “working memory” going on with keeping track of chords, lyrics, melody, and “the vibe.” I want to share about “the vibe,” which is another word for the mood of a song.

Trust me, when I began singing I did not give much thought about what the lyrics truly were saying. I knew I had sad songs and happy songs and I always loved to carry their melodies. However, in the past, I would sometimes think about something else while I was singing.

It was when I learned from listening to recordings of myself that all of this changed for me. It became clear to me that without a connection to the lyrics, the vocals were bland and empty.

So I never sing anymore while thinking about what I’ll be eating for dinner! That is even if I’m hungry while singing, because I never eat anymore before performing. I learned that lesson as a result of a challenging performance following a dinner of middle-eastern food.

It is very funny to share what singers learn through experience! Little burps and tastes of spices do not allow for the focus needed to sing clearly!

I was told once that to open up my voice on higher notes I could associate it with the physical feeling of “throwing up” because that allowed the throat to “open up” more. That was definitely not an image conducive to adding “feeling” to my performance!

There is no more singing for me where I am thinking of something else other than the words I am trying to convey!

The mind, heart, and the meaning of the words come together for me now when I play music. Perhaps that is why I often have great difficulty keeping my eyes open when I sing. The imagery is so powerful for me that I often cannot stay focused on what is around me. I must close my eyes.

Here is what I am thinking of as I sing some of my songs:

On “So Real,” I remember well how I could not face waking up in the morning. As I sing those words I am flooded back with the memory of wishing I were dead as the realization of grief began each and every morning.

On “Beside Me Always,” I remember how my son would have his tousled hair upon my shoulder and how his tiny, warm body would lie upon me. I actually feel him very strongly, especially when I sing the words “longing for the soul I’ve kissed.”

On “Saying Goodbye,” I see images easily when singing the lyric line of “and the flowers have all died.” After Jason’s funeral our house was full of flowers and as they died the ache of grief only intensified.

On “Another You,” I see Cheryl’s face smiling at me – her eyes are twinkling with love.

On “Memory of Love” and “You Were There” my sadness over losing my mother incrementally makes it difficult to sing those songs. Tears in my voice can translate into choking.

On “How We Don’t Care,” I marvel at how I haven’t changed much and still act like I don’t care when someone in my family hurts me! Thankfully though, I don’t have any trouble saying, “I love you.”

I could go on and on. Even when I sing, “cover songs,” I find images that I can relate to so I can feel the words.

When I recently sang John Denver’s song “Looking For Space” his lyrics jumped out to me:

“When I think that I’m moving, suddenly things stand still. I’m afraid ‘cause I think they always will!”

Wow, was that ever true for me, lately!

Lastly, I’ve said this before, and I cringe as I say it again. But it is so true for me.

Singing is as intimate as kissing to me. My intimate thoughts and feelings are channeled right from my mouth into the listener’s ears. This truth has become even clearer when my breath and lip noises can be heard on recordings!

Being honest comes easily for me. I used to hate hearing my recorded voice.

With honesty, I can share that I love the sound of my voice now.

PEACHES VOICE LESSON EXCERPT 3-18-11 #1

PEACHES VOICE LESSON EXCERPT 3-18-11 #2

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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LONELINESS FILLED MY DREAMS

My mother before I was born.

“My mother will be fine with physical therapy”

I went to meet my mom at an appointment with the same orthopedic doctor she saw for a “second opinion” a month ago. He was very nice.

He looked at all the x-rays, and showed both my mother and me where the x-ray indicated her fractured hipbone was healing. He said it would only continue to become stronger over time.

My mother demonstrated movement by easily lifting both her legs without any pain. I mentioned that it was the “weight bearing” exercises that worried the physical therapist at her facility so much because my mom “grimaced.” He said a grimace was understandable and part of the process.

The doctor said that my mother would be fine with 50% weight-bearing exercises for two weeks and then full, weight-bearing exercises after that. He said it might be hard to do the 50%, but even a little at 100% would be okay.

He said the risk was slight, and he wanted another x-ray taken in two weeks time to make certain there wasn’t any displacement.

My mom was crying when she arrived at the appointment due to extreme confusion.

I was able to calm her and bring her back to reality, but it wasn’t easy. When the doctor explained to her that her hip was healing, she understood the implications. After the appointment, she was beaming.

I was really glad to see her relaxed and happy again, despite her struggle with dementia.

Who is this couple? Oh yeah, my parents!

I’ve decided the aging process is unbelievably painful for the entire family when it involves dementia.

“I could feel her grief”

I was definitely wearing a “Super Daughter cape” as I left my mother following her appointment. I wrestled with the “demon of dementia” and had won. My mother went from tears to joy as I steadily convinced her of the reality.

As I drove home, however, I still had the familiar, gnawing pain inside me. I wondered why I wasn’t more joyful that my mother had beaten the odds and survived her hip fracture without having surgery!

I decided that although I had a lot of things to do at home, I would stop and treat myself to a manicure. Since I bit my nails almost all my life, I marvel at the nails I started growing last July. Having a manicure is a way to reward myself and appreciate their beauty.

I realized with the difficult economy, the nail salon was certainly suffering since many people would consider a manicure a luxury to do without. It was one reason I had put it off.

I wrote a story a few months ago about a certain manicurist at the salon near my home. Her name was Thao, and she was Vietnamese. WHAT IS LEFT SINCE YOU DIED

Sure enough, the salon was empty when I went inside. Thao raced over to me, and I was glad to see her. She told me she had listened to the CD I had given her, but her player was now broken.

She was still very sad. Her eyes were large and despair was deep within. I could feel her grief.

As she worked on my nails, I asked her to tell me about the brother she loved so much who had died. She told me how he used to sing and play guitar. I asked her if she liked to sing too, but she said she couldn’t because it was too painful for her.

It turned out the date of his death was in a few weeks and that had certainly intensified her sadness. She said it would be two years since he died.

I asked her what she planned to do on that day. She said she would cook his favorite meal; she missed cooking for him. Then she told me in her halting English, “I want to cry all the time, but I don’t.”

I told her that those tears were important to release. I remembered that well. I said to her softly, “You know, letting those tears out allows for joy to come in. Not allowing pain, does not allow for pleasure either. Plus, it takes so much energy to hold tears in!”

Before I left, she ran to the back of the salon and brought out a picture to show me of her and her brother. Then, she insisted I take something home for lunch; it was a container of fried rice. I didn’t know what to do, because even though I don’t usually eat rice – I didn’t want to say no.

I also realized she had probably given away her own lunch. But she said to me, “Judy, you’ve done so much for me and I want to do something for you!”

I came home and tasted the rice. Steam started coming out of my ears, but I was grinning.

I could taste her appreciation.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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IN QUIET SHADE OF SYCAMORES

A beautiful closeup of an incredible medley of salad greens. I ate this!
 

On a whim, I decided to play a medley of John Denver songs to celebrate playing my guitar outdoors. My voice lesson clips are only for anyone who wants to share my passion for music and songwriting!

J. D. MEDLEY #1 BY JUDY

J. D. MEDLEY #2 BY JUDY

PEACHES LESSON 3-11-11 #1

PEACHES LESSON 3-11-11 #2

PEACHES LESSON 3-11-11 #3

When I was little I used to wish my friend and neighbor, Joni, were able to play with me. Joni’s parents owned a dry cleaning store and unfortunately she had to work there every day after school until nighttime. This began from the time she was very little.

She did not attend the same school as I until high school because her school needed to be the one closest to the dry cleaning shop. By the time we were in high school, we were not as close. But we always remained friends, since we were toddlers. A beautiful exchange about this is at: #213 THE BEAUTY REMAINS

Over the last thirty years, Joni and I seldom saw each other. Certainly, we didn’t do anything as adventurous as hiking.

I used to imagine Joni and I might be playing monopoly again when we were old! I figured we’d be old before we had the time to do that!

Carol and Joni before we left on our hike.

Yesterday, Joni and I met up with Carol to go on a “foraging expedition.” This “adventure” would be our second outing as a threesome. A month ago we collected Chanterelle mushrooms with Carol’s expertise. We cooked them at the picnic area and they were absolutely delicious. Being that Carol was an avid forager made it easy for me to trust her knowledge. Carol shared that when she lived in Iowa, she was involved with educating people about locally produced foods and sustainable agriculture.

Carol and I were good friends while I was in college. We lost touch after she was briefly engaged to Sam, who was my boyfriend on and off through high school. Sam found my blog and reconnected with me last October. (My song, “You’re Not the One” was written for him!) In October, Sam told me how to find Carol. Sam and Carol were not in touch, but I have been in touch with both of them since then.

This has all been very interesting!

Yesterday, as Joni and I rode together to Carol’s home near Pasadena, I marveled how I felt like a young girl again.

We quickly arrived at Carol’s house. Carol gave us a tour; her home was warm and very quaint. Her garden displayed pure joy. It was obvious to see she had an eye for color, texture, and certainly taste!

Carol had just celebrated her birthday. Her husband had made her a beautiful book that displayed a lot of the beautiful food they enjoyed together. I took a picture of the front and back covers – the experience of tasting those Chanterelles with Carol was something I certainly wouldn’t forget.

Our “foraging adventure” was in the Angeles National Forest near Chantry Flats. It wasn’t far from Carol’s house.

Foraging was definitely a slower pace than simply hiking. Carol shared with Joni and I a lot of her knowledge. There were many kinds of “greens,” they became bitter if they were “older,” even if they were edible. With Fennel leaves, the tender, young shoots resembled caterpillars unlike the tough, outer ferns.

Carol gathering Miner’s lettuce.

It was fascinating to learn about the edible plants and what to look for. I had actually illustrated many herbs before, but seldom had the opportunity to actually see the living plant.

Unfortunately, by the time I recognized “stinging nettle,” which I had illustrated – I already felt my hand tingling and burning!

This is a good example of what we looked at before picking them. It was best to use a scissor, and not pull the plant out by the roots (that way it could grow back).

I photographed a periwinkle flower, and put my painting done years before next to it for comparison.

A periwinkle flower I photographed with a painting of one that I did for a Kirkland (Costco) vitamin supplement label several years ago.

I should have known not to get near this plant – this is an illustration of “stinging nettle” that I did a long time ago!

Now I can look at my painting and know I’ve eaten this plant!

Here were the plants that we gathered to create the most unbelievably, delicious salad: Miner’s Lettuce, Chickweed, Sow Thistle, Dandelion, Mustard, and Fennel.

Carol picked leaves and chewed them slowly. I grinned and told her it was a little “too naked” for me – I would wait for the salad dressing! I was especially excited because Carol had created and brought along a miso/ginger masterpiece for me to taste.

I love streams and running water. I have always wanted to create paintings with rocks and water.

Our hike was downhill going and uphill on the return. As we trudged back, I was looking forward to lunch. Hiking always made everything taste great. Certainly, I knew it would be heavenly to have a picnic. But I have to be honest; I was wary at first. Would the fennel impart a taste strong enough to make the salad taste like licorice? Would mustard greens be bitter?

Carol tossing the salad.

Joni and I – friends for almost fifty years!

A picture for comparison!

My wariness melted away with each bite. The greens were juicy, sweet, and flavorful. I was pleasantly surprised. I never expected weeds to taste so delicious! Of course, adding pine nuts, cheese, avocado, and a few other additions certainly contributed! Sure enough, Carol’s mysterious salad dressing was “out of this world!”

I didn’t want any pictures with green stuff stuck in my teeth!

It was a beautiful thing indeed to reconnect with my friends again. The memory of our outing would always stay with me.

I pulled out my guitar while my two friends finished their salads. I closed my eyes and loved hearing the sound of my guitar tinkling in the breeze. Carol sang along with me on the last two songs.

I shared my newest song with my friends. Lately, it has been echoing in my mind. It isn’t completely formed, but each week my song has progressed a little further. It now has almost all of the chords and melody, but it doesn’t have words or even a name yet.

However, the melody is so upbeat – it speaks without words to me.

When my mood is ready, the lyrics will appear. This process can’t be rushed, and I am hopeful it will happen soon.

Joni took only this one picture of me playing my guitar. It was perfect for me because it captured how happy I felt.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT AWARE

A card I received from my mom when things were different – I’ve saved so many!

“I was discouraged”

The nursing facility told me my mom would not be allowed physical therapy. My father was broken down about how the caregivers he paid for would not be allowed to assist my mother at mealtime.

My frustration was obvious when I sent out an email update to my friends and family. I received this message back from my friend, Sam, who is a physician.

On Mar 8, 2011, Sam wrote:

Judy, OK, let’s just all take a step back….

With regard to physical therapy, your mom’s dementia could make this very difficult…we certainly do not want her to be in pain, and it might be hard for her to follow a program that would eventually enable her to walk…furthermore, she could be at even greater risk if she did walk… for falls, confusion as to where she is, etc.

As far as eating, I’m not aware of any evidence showing that her condition will be improved if she eats more…most patients with dementia eventually lose interest in food, whether or not someone helps feed them.  What will change is how quickly you and your family are faced with the decision of whether or not to put in a G-tube for nutrition and hydration.  As you have told me, if your mom is happy and comfortable, that is the key thing.

I don’t want to see you, your brothers, and particularly your Dad, be upset, depressed or angry over your mom’s condition…your mom is doing the best that she possibly can…and all of you are doing the best that you can.  Even the facility is probably doing the best that a home facility can (though it may not seem like it).

Do the best that you can for your Mom, but primarily spend time with her and try to enjoy the awareness that she still does have.  Keep her comfortable and happy…but please don’t tear yourselves up over this.  Professional advocacy, or adversarial relations probably won’t change much for your mom in the long run, but will significantly increase your own stress and discomfort.

I know it’s a very difficult situation, and continue to wish you all the best!…Sam

Hi Sam,

Thanks so much for writing this! It is very, very helpful for me.I’m really glad I’m going hiking today. I think being outdoors and “taking a break” from all of this is what I need to feel more centered again. I was actually looking into advocacy and you’re right – it won’t make a difference and could make things worse.

The sad part for me is that my mom does look forward to meals and despite her weight loss; she enjoys eating (though, briefly). It’s like they’re taking away one of the few things she has!

The physical therapy represented another thing that she was hopeful about. She wanted so badly to do those exercises!

Thanks for putting this in perspective. I hope we’re not faced with the G-tube possibility; I don’t want to think about that because we don’t plan to ever go that route with her again.

I think it’s so wonderful how I’ve been able to share my journey with you, which includes hearing about my friends’ ailments and my reconnecting with Carol. Maybe your ears will be burning today!

Everyone enjoys your messages, too. Thank you and have a great day!

Judy

Dear Judy,

I must say, Sam has hit the nail on the head and has articulated, beautifully, the important things here. You are lucky to have his insight as a physician who is also a friend.

I sure look forward to today with you and Joni; it is stunning outside! See you very soon!

Love, Carol

Hi Carol,

I feel much better about everything. I know our hike today will put things in perspective for me!

Tomorrow, I have a meeting. I’m going to see my mom earlier and enjoy the time with her. I don’t feel like I will allow the meeting to “get me down.”

It is “what it is” and my attitude is very important to everyone around me.

Love, Jude

Ps. Watch out – I might be singing as we gather lettuce today!

On Mar 9, Carol wrote:

Let’s see, what songs could you sing? Lettuce Entertain You…Greensleeves…I’m Looking Over A Four-Leaf Clover…Where Have All The Flowers Gone…Oh What a Beautiful Morning…oh, yeah, I could go on and on until you puke!

On Mar 9, Susan wrote:

…..Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, a kid will eat ivy, too, wouldn’t you? Coming through the Rye, The Wind That Shakes the Barley, The Autumn Leaves, I heard it through the Grapevine, You say Tomato, and I Say Tomahto…

I can’t keep up with such good puns – I conseed!

Actually, I have a voice lesson with Peaches on Friday. I’ll call my lesson – Peaches and HERB.

Love, Judy

A coffee table book Carol received from her husband last week for her birthday. It was full of their photos of favorite foods. I love the book jacket with the Chanterelle mushrooms on the back!

A photo I took yesterday of a portion of Carol’s exquisite gardens.

“She is the one who has kept me alive!”

My father was too depressed to attend the meeting this time.

It was a smaller group of people from her facility than the last time; there were six other people. Everyone was friendly and smiling.

The same familiar issues about my mom were discussed. It still seemed unimaginable to everyone there that my mother did not take pain medication for her “unrepaired,” fractured hip.

A physical therapist told me she had never worked with someone who had a fracture without a surgical repair – she was not comfortable when she saw my mother “grimace.” This was despite my mom verbally expressing that she did not have pain. My mother would not receive any physical therapy. An appointment was made for her to see the orthopedic doctor again.

My mom’s grimace didn’t seem a clear indication of pain to me; it seemed to me that this was more about the therapist’s discomfort of working with someone who did not have hip surgery. I decided patience was warranted, since my mother had an appointment next week with the orthopedic doctor. His decision would over-ride this.

It was very uplifting to hear my mother’s doctor speak. He looked me right in the eye and said, “I have to say your mother has defied the odds. She has done better than I expected. She may actually recover much of her prior function.”

I expressed myself articulately, without emotion. I had many questions. I asked whether my mom could be taken out of the facility as she had been allowed to in the past.

I was told she could leave the facility once she was “signed out.” I asked if her caregiver/companion, Miriam, would be allowed to take her out. That caused some confusion and a discussion followed about who would help put my mom into the car. Then it occurred to everyone that no one from the facility would be there at the other end to take her out of the car!

Finally, I was told it was allowed and I felt relieved. Certainly, it was important to see if my mom was even up for it.

However, it would be very exciting and uplifting for her to look forward to such an outing.

My father told me, “I don’t want her going anywhere – it’s too hard!”

Miriam told me, “I can’t wait to take her to the places she loved before. It’s no trouble for me at all!”

Miriam and I both decided – we wouldn’t worry my father, so instead we would tell him after any outing how it went.

Before I left the meeting, I spoke with a nurse practitioner about my mom’s dementia. She gave me a lot of advice about how to approach my mother’s “confusion.” My term “dance” of dementia fit her philosophy perfectly; dancing was a “lighter” approach versus “correcting.” So I was definitely doing something positive all along by dancing with my mom, in that regard!

Miriam and my mother were waiting for me. I had bought lunch for the three of us. The weather was beautiful and we sat at a shady table outside the dining room. I told Miriam, “You are allowed to feed my mom whenever a family member is there; when you are with me or my dad it’s no problem.”

Prior to that, Miriam told me she did not think it was allowed.

I noticed my visit had lifted not only my mother’s spirits, but Miriam’s as well. I had played my guitar for both her and my mother in the garden earlier in the morning. Miriam was humming along to my songs and it was obvious that she knew my songs by heart. How wonderful that was for me!

When I first arrived, Miriam’s eyes were downcast. Now her eyes were bright and she looked happy. She said, “When you are here I feel like I am not alone. I want to do so much for your mom! But there’s less and less that I can do!”

I reminded her to focus on what she could do rather than what she could not.

My mom ate her lunch with relish – I couldn’t help but throw in a pun; I had brought her a hot dog for lunch! She did not need anyone to help her eat the hot dog or the French fries. It was great to see her eating.

During most of my visit, my mom didn’t make much sense. But her happiness was very apparent and I held onto that instead.

It was time for me to leave; my mom began to fumble with her purse. I knew she was looking for money. I told her how appreciative I was, that I had used her credit card to pay for our lunch. Hearing that made her beam.

Suddenly she turned to Miriam and said, “Where did I ever find my daughter? How did I find such a daughter? She is the one who has kept me alive!”

Miriam’s eyes were shining as she listened. “Judy, please put that in your blog – promise me!”

I hugged my mom and reminded her that god has been looking after her and has kept her alive. Her will to live was remarkable and my goal was simply to keep her as comfortable as possible.

I left and immediately listened to music. I realized I had eaten far too much lunch, but decided to be gentle with myself.

Clicking on this makes it larger.

This sign really spoke to me. It was at the trailhead where I hiked, yesterday.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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