myjourneysinsight

I LONG FOR YOU TO HOLD ME

Posted on July 13, 2011 by Judy

I took this picture while waiting for fireworks to begin last week. I decided it was a good background for my new song’s image.

“One Chord and One Lyric Line”

I definitely feel like I am different from most people. I wish I could truly describe how it has felt for me to live a “musical life.” The release I have achieved by singing follows me throughout my day. My heart sings and my soul feels light. Melodies play inside of me and overwhelm me with their beauty.

What fills me with amazement is that at the same time that I am living with the magic of “music in my heart,” my life is quite stressful and ordinary.

Wherever I go, I find myself drawn to people and I share my joy. When I performed on Sunday night at Border’s, two people told me I had touched them with my music. Their tender words have caused me to glow for many days afterwards.

I love my new song; it definitely has a life of it’s own. All week long, I felt inspired by my new song’s beautiful and complex chord progressions. I spent a lot of energy transposing and recording my song in different keys. I constructed my recordings into beautiful instrumental pieces.

Still there was something missing in my song. Yesterday, I went to my voice lesson hoping for feedback from my vocal coach, Peaches Chrenko.

Peaches is one of three, very special people in the “musical of my life.” Those three people have allowed me to express myself musically in ways I never dreamed possible. I believe Peaches is a gift sent my way for a reason. Peaches, Steve, and George are all blessings in my life.

Steve is my childhood friend. Until we began working together on my music, I had not seen him for forty years. And then there is George. George is an older man who was a musician his entire life; he truly is a musical genius. George knows how to take my songs and arrange them with exquisite instrumentation.

My lessons with Peaches are held at a public park and they are affordable for me. Peaches is a songwriter and an extremely intelligent woman. We have worked together for over a year, and from the beginning I have brought a digital recorder to our lessons.

I shared with Peaches that my new song has definitely emerged from the way she had heard it a week earlier. I even played it at the open mic night held at Kulak’s Woodshed the day before. I told her my mind and heart were taken over by its captivating melody.

My lesson was more productive than I ever imagined. Although Peaches was reluctant to steer me, I finally extracted from her some excellent suggestions for my song. She told me she preferred the way I had played my song a week earlier.

Then she suggested one chord change and that was all it took. The one chord she suggested caused me to cry. It overwhelmed me because it was so very beautiful.

I have had the realization that although my new song is another “goodbye song” the expression is completely different. My new song carries a message of acceptance.

I have been unsure about the title. I explained to Peaches that the words “To be free” jumped out for me. My subconscious created the lyric line that turned out to be the most meaningful line of all. It was why I had written my song!

Originally I wrote: I want you to be free

But then it occurred to me that this was more than a wish.

It became something even more meaningful for me.

It became an active choice.

I decided it was far better to say: I need to set you free

This way, I was choosing something that would lead to freedom for myself and for my loved one who was leaving.

LESSON WITH PEACHES – SET YOU FREE 7/12/11

LESSON WITH PEACHES – 7/12/11

“How Long Can You Stay?”

I left my lesson to spend some time with my father. I was taken aback when I saw him. Although he has been quite weak for a while now, this time it was different.

His face was ashen and skeletal. His neck bulged and his lips were dry. When he spoke, his voice was unrecognizable. My father who was such a brilliant man, a professor with a PhD, kept repeating many sentences to me. Since his eyes were glazed as a result of pain or painkillers, I understood.

He told me his day began with excruciating, lower back pain. My heart began to ache. I spoke with the nursing supervisor and asked that a doctor be called. I did not feel that my words were completely heard and I tried not to panic. I was told his vitals were good and they would monitor him closely. When I told my father I wanted to call his doctor, he became very agitated. He was resigned to his condition and did not want anything invasive done.

I let go of my panic, and spoke to him with a voice that was gentle, patient and loving. My song reminded me of the process that old age and death represented.

Mostly, I cannot stand to see someone I love suffer!

Although it was a most painful visit, my father’s love and appreciation for me wrapped around my soul as I left. The line he repeated most often while I was there was, “How long can you stay?”

“Humor Moment”

I stayed as long as I could and went home to have dinner with my family. My husband and son had watched me perform my new song at Kulak’s Woodshed on Monday night. The performances for that venue are broadcast over the Internet. It was nice to know that they both were interested in watching me sing.

During my performance, I announced at the very end that my song was dedicated to my father.

In all honesty, my song was inspired by my father, but was also about many people in my life. I certainly want to set my children free someday.

My song reminds me about how I am also setting my grief free.

Well, my family told me my song was “incestuous!” There was a line I sang that especially had them feeling that way. It was:

Forever you’ll be deeply inside me

My husband and son felt it wasn’t appropriate to sing those words in regards to my father.

I laughed hard and long. I did have an inkling about that lyric line and it occurred to me before they even mentioned it!

“Hold Me”

It was late at night. I worked on my song and incorporated the new chord Peaches had suggested. I rewrote the one lyric line to:

Though I long for you to hold me, I need to set you free

I tried and tried to sing my song. But I could not.

Each time I tried to sing it, my throat closed up with tears and I was overcome with emotion. I finally allowed for up and out and put my guitar down so I could truly cry.

My song was now ready for me to record.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Caregiving, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, dad, death of a child, father, father daughter relationship, father's illness, father's love, Friendship, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, Humor, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, memories of dad, Music, my father, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, writing | Leave a comment

I KNOW YOU CAN’T STAY

Posted on July 8, 2011 by Judy

–

I am sharing my practice guitar parts before I record my new song with George. I have decided on a preliminary title of “I WANT TO SET YOU FREE.” Okay, this is a first for me. I have interwoven THREE separate guitar tracks in stereo on this first song. I’ll share the lyrics soon. Click the blue links below to play audio.

I WANT TO SET YOU FREE – 3 GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL

I WANT TO SET YOU FREE – 2 GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL

This picture of me dancing with my father was taken at Cheryl’s wedding (I was the matron of honor).

When I last wrote for my blog a week ago, I was off to the hospital where my father had been transported with a blood infection. Currently, my father has two conditions that require surgery. He will continue to be at high risk for infection until he has surgery to remove two, large kidney stones. His prostate is also severely enlarged. My father is not considered strong enough to have surgery at this time. It certainly is a “catch 22,” since he cannot seem to get stronger to have surgery with his recurrent infections.

Yesterday, he was released from the hospital. He has an appointment with another urologist next week for a second opinion, if he is strong enough to be transported.

My father is very unhappy and is not enjoying life at all. He refuses to speak with my mother and to anyone who calls him on the phone. He says he is not in pain, but it is clear he has detached from everything around him.

I had an interesting discussion with my father. He felt I should not tell my mother when he passes on (if she happens to still be alive). He said it would be best for her not to attend his funeral. My mother misses him and expresses a lot of fear and sadness with her progressing dementia.

In spite of the continued deterioration of my parents, I still feel joyful and my life continues to be magical.

I’m with my childhood friend, Joni, in this picture taken outside of an open mic venue where I regularly perform on Monday nights.

I have been patiently waiting to reconnect with a special editor who has my book in her hands. I still have at least seven hours of audio to record for my book once it is finalized. All of my doubt has gone, and I feel certain I will be successful with my book. This has caused me to enjoy my journey even more.

While I was waiting to hear from this editor, I’ve been deleting anything I’ve written about my children on my blog. I’ve also decided not to number my posts anymore.

My energy and my focus has also gone onto my music. I definitely feel that I am leading a “musical life.” There is truly no way to describe how that feels. It is something I probably experienced when I was much younger, though I do not remember too much about it.

All I know is that my soul is dancing to numerous melodies that play throughout my day.

This picture was taken before watching fireworks with my family on the 4th of July. I have cropped out my children who do not want me to mention them on my blog. I can share that one of my kid’s big shoe is right in front of me. I am holding a portable Scrabble game.

“The birth of a new song”

I have very much enjoyed improving vocals on many of my older songs. Last week I wrote about my melancholy after recording my song “How We Don’t Care.” I felt Cheryl’s presence and her voice reminded me that it was time for me to fill my “empty space.”

I would describe the empty space as a part of my soul that is reserved for discovering a beautiful song. Initially, it was for “rediscovering” prior compositions, but since those have all been done – now my empty space awaits new inspiring melodies.

With Cheryl’s comforting encouragement, I surprised myself by quickly composing something exquisite. It flowed very easily and the melody was so beautiful that it captivated me.

Comparing the composing of a song to giving birth is an excellent metaphor. As my song develops, it feels as if it is actually growing inside of me. Soon it becomes so large, I cannot contain it and cannot manage to do other things in my life until my song is released. Releasing my song means that the song is finalized and that process is quite emotionally painful.

Once my song is completed, it feels like a new child that I tenderly examine with total awe and amazement. I spend a lot of time learning all the nuances and fine points I can about my song so that it becomes the best it can be.

For this new song, the verses came first. The process was magical and could best be described as a soft hum that became louder and louder. Soon a symphony of chords and notes filled my mind and my heart. I could not concentrate on anything else, nor sing any of my other songs with conviction.

When I composed two, guitar tracks and listened to my song I was filled with complete joy and fulfillment. It took time for the lyrics to settle in for me. Although I am eager to imagine my song beautifully arranged by George, I don’t want to rush and make a mistake I’ve made before of recording it in the wrong key.

I continue to sing the melody over and over to allow it to become finalized for me.

I can share the guitar instrumental that is the basis for this song, but I am saving the lyrics for later on when they are more certain for me.

PEACHES LESSON 7/5/11 (We discuss my new song)

My lyrics were written when I came home late at night after seeing my father in the hospital. The very first lines to my song are:

You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn

I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone

As my song developed, I generalized it to express feelings I have about how I might feel seeing my children leave when they are grown.

I also remember Jason as I sing my song. I am amazed that I have a new “goodbye song” with a completely different theme than my prior song “Saying Goodbye.”

My new song contains acceptance about the process of seeing someone I love depart.

I believe that is a huge step in my evolution as a human.

Life is all about arrivals and departures.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acceptance, acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, composing, creativity, guitar, inspiration, letting go, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Ordinary Life, original songs, parenting, Set you free, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, writing | Leave a comment

ALL MY LIFE I HAD HOPED YOU WOULD STAY

Posted on June 30, 2011 by Judy

I am writing less and working on my music. Recently, I’ve created a beautiful new arrangement of my song, “How We Don’t Care.” My father has improved and might soon be released from the hospital back to his facility. Since some of what I’ve been doing musically ties into this story, I am sharing some discussion with my voice teacher here. Clicking the blue links play audio:

PEACHES LESSON 6/27/11

PEACHES LESSON 7/5/11

–

When we were older, life was busy and it was hard for me to remember how close we once were. When Cheryl died, it was easy to imagine that she was still alive and simply far away.

Sometime there were “certain moments” when I could hear her voice. Her voice was so recognizable and it was always comforting. I could even hear the cackle in it like when she was young. The smile in her voice was like music and it filled my mind. Then it traveled straight to my heart and spread comfort throughout my body.

Those “certain moments” were fleeting and sparse. But it was always music that could bring Cheryl back to me. I wrote many songs expressing love and friendship, but then there was a certain, painful song. It was a song about deep disappointment and it was very haunting for me. The feelings evoked by my song were very familiar and repeated with many other people in my life.

Even though my song was called “How We Don’t Care” the truth was I cared so much that it was painful. When I had recorded my song the day before, the beauty of the acoustic guitar parts alone caused my heart to soar. The musical of my life continued because when I listened to my song I fell into a state of wonderment.

It was today when I met with a special woman who was going to help me on my journey. This was someone I knew was sent my way, and it reinforced that my journey was amazing and magical. I had even allowed this special woman to see my tears.

When I left the meeting, I was so happy but there wasn’t anyone I felt I wanted to share the experience with. I missed my mother. I contained my joy. But when I listened to my song, the tears began to flow. In my darkened bedroom I cried. It was at that moment that my friend, Cheryl, returned. It became a “certain moment.”

Emotion was something I hadn’t felt for such a long time. Allowing it was very important and I was grateful to feel. Cheryl knew that my tears contained happiness. Her encouraging voice reminded me that I would never be alone anymore. And then, her voice reminded me that I had forgotten about my guitar. After Cheryl’s voice quieted I stood up.

I needed to address the empty space inside. I went into my bathroom and my guitar awaited me. I explored and found new fingerings; beautiful chords began to appear. Beginnings were exciting, and there was no rush. I would discover more later on. As I put away my guitar, the space was no longer as empty.

The phone call I received told me that my father now had sepsis and would be taken to the nearby hospital emergency room by ambulance. He already had pneumonia, as well. I spoke with him before he was transported and he was looking forward to my company. Every minute of my day counted so deeply. With strength and emotional understanding, I left in the summer twilight to go to the hospital.

I visited with him and his pleasure and awareness of my presence was quite beautiful. I shared every detail about my day. My honesty and openess flowed easily and there was no containment. It was very late when I left.

It might have been an emotional day in my musical life but as I walked out of the hospital, I put my arms outward from my body. I imagined I could fly.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, Daily Life, death, death of a friend, father's illness, Friendship, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, humor daily life, loss, loss of a friend, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, voice lessons | Leave a comment

MY HEART FELT SO FULL

Posted on June 25, 2011 by Judy

I have missed writing for my blog, but there are only so many hours for me in a day. Because I’ve missed doing artwork, I played around with Photoshop filters above! In addition to recording and editing my stories. I’ve been singing my heart out. I share a clip from a recent voice lesson with Peaches Chrenko discussing my songs. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

LESSON WITH PEACHES #1 6-2-11

Since I truly don’t have time to write much, this post will serve as an update and also an opportunity for me to share some new pictures.

GOOD LIST:

I was given a connection (another divine coincidence – such timing!) to an editor who could help me with my book. We are meeting for lunch next week and I will be giving her all of my audio files and a manuscript to read. This woman knows many people in the industry and could certainly be helpful. I was told she is honest and trustworthy, which is far more important for me than anything else.

My good friend, Sonia, attended my Border’s performance last Sunday. We had a lovely time.

Judy & Sonia at Border’s

My son took this picture for me. It might be blurry, but it definitely captures my happiness!

This week, a very good friend from out of town whom I haven’t seen in years will be coming to see me play at Border’s. She will be meeting someone she hasn’t seen for 35 years. Another friend of mine recognized her from one of my wedding photos and they knew each other back when they were 17. I’m so excited; I can hardly stand it!

WIth my audio book, I am growing closer and closer to having something done that I can share. I am thrilled!

I love my newest song recording of So Real and plan to redo all of my prior song arrangements now that I’ve improved so much.

I can’t share anything about my children, but I can say they have all been adjusting to mommy vacating the “mommy premises.” It’s amazing how much they are now able to do for themselves!

Today, my parents saw each other for the first time since my father was in the hospital well over two months ago.

My father has not given up on life.

My parents about fifteen years ago.

BAD LIST:

Nothing I want to think about!

I played my guitar and visited with my mom in the garden at her facility last week.

FIRST EMAIL UPDATE I SENT OUT THIS MORNING:

My brother, Norm, took my dad for some tests with his urologist. In addition to his large, kidney stones, his prostate is extremely enlarged.

My father says he does not want to live out his life with a catheter. He wants to have surgery. The urologist explained that it would be risky (blood loss again) and my father needed to get much stronger. I think he’s motivated and I see him trying a little harder to sit up more. There are a few possible procedures that could avoid surgery and shrink his prostate, but the urologist is not that optimistic. My dad will be having a procedure (something like “microwaving”) in the next few weeks.

My father has refused to speak with my mother for the last three weeks. He says he “can’t handle it.” I told him he absolutely needs to speak with my mom occasionally. Like lecturing a child, I told him he needs to make time to call her. My mother’s dementia has gotten worse and she imagined he was dying; she was hysterical and inconsolable one day. I received two, concerning calls yesterday. The first one informed me that my mom slid out of her wheelchair onto the floor at lunch time. She was fortunately not hurt. The second one was from Miriam, who told me my mom threw her hearing aides ($4,000) into the trash can – luckily a nurse noticed they were missing and found them.

I brought my guitar and played for my mom and Miriam on Thursday morning – it was a beautiful day.

Yesterday, I was elated to hear my dad finally called my mom. He also told my brother that he wanted to join us at our weekly lunch – that means we go to IHop (my father’s favorite place). So today, my parents will once again be reunited! It’s been over two months since my father fell ill and they’ve seen each other. I plan to take pictures.

Love, Judy

My mother was happy today, even though my dad ignored her.

SECOND EMAIL UPDATE SENT OUT AFTER LUNCH:

I’ll let pictures tell my story.

My dad refused to acknowledge my mom or say anything to her. He was quite morose, but it was huge for him to have left his facility. He wouldn’t smile and didn’t want me to take any pictures of him with my mom. I did anyway. I think he enjoyed himself, even though he didn’t show it.

He told me today to give notice about discontinuing his independent room in a cluster home. He said he cannot be alone or go back there. At some point, I might see if my mom can move over to his facility – but I plan to wait awhile since she’s stable right now where she is.

Glad I could share!

Love, Judy

Only a week ago, my dad spoke his memories into a tape recorder for me. The highlight was his telling me how he became engaged to my mother. He said, “I knew she was the one for me the moment I met her!”