myjourneysinsight

COLORS AND SOUNDS FILLED ME WITH DELIGHT

Posted on October 2, 2013 by Judy

The link below is to a more detailed illustration story on my blog “Illustrating My Life:”

LAYERS IN MY LIFE

This post title is a line of lyrics from my song, “Music Saved Me.” A link to the song and story is below:

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Link to my story about how Music Saved Me

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Art is my profession; music is my passion.

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Art and music are two creative pursuits that define my life. I realize that I didn’t include writing. I’ll save that for another story, because writing is definitely my remedy!

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There are many similarities between art and music for me. I believe the most obvious parallel between art and music would be “layers.” Every illustration I create starts with layers. The order, selection and placement of those layers affect the outcome. When painting with watercolors, my washes are transparent veils of colors that I gradually build upon.

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I am now primarily a digital illustrator. I separate every item in the composition on my computer. Then I arrange those items to fit comfortably into the label area I’m illustrating. I use whatever reference I can find and often shoot my own photos with an inexpensive digital camera.

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Below is an example of my digital process. I was still teaching myself how to do this when I illustrated a label for the salad company, Ready Pac. My illustration was for a Caesar salad dressing label and the ingredients needed to be arranged in a specific way to fit the space.

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My photo of ingredients

My final illustration (the lemon was taken out).

With music, the ingredients are the lyrics, chords and my vocal – all of which are deeply defined by me. And with every song creation, the order that I create those ingredients is different. Sometimes I’ll scribble lyrics on a scrap of paper in my purse. Late at night, I might discover beautiful chords while playing my guitar. Other times, I’ll hum a melody that I can’t shake.

Music has layers, just as an illustration does. Clearly defined layers comprise my song’s arrangement. Arrangements are simply layers (or separate tracks) of instrumentation and include my vocal and guitar recordings. George has also told me that the order of an instrument we choose affects the entire arrangement. He has told me he plays different melodies, which dance in harmony to the sound that came before it. That is exactly like the creation of a watercolor painting when I must decide which areas to paint first.

Music Layer visible as colored stripes in the computer program Protools.

Music layers are visible as colored stripes on the computer program Pro Tools. I have learned to read and edit waveforms.

With art, I strive relentlessly to please my clients and that can involve numerous revisions to an illustration. With music, I strive to please myself. There is even a similarity between those because it is a relentless task. I am very demanding of myself!

I do appreciate humor and it has been an excellent coping tool for me. I have heard several times from people who have read my blog that my writing has them both laughing and crying. Perhaps that’s why I wrote a song named “Laughter and Tears!”

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It occurs to me that I haven’t written anything really funny for a long time.

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My final illustration of Marion Berries. The client was very particular about the color of this berry.

When I illustrated Marion Berries for a flavor of yogurt recently, there were a lot of versions I created in order to satisfy my client. Here were some of them below:

Marion Berry ideas

When I shared my illustrations with a few friends, I received a message back from Dr. Sam with a picture. It was:

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Close, but this is Marion Barry….

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I far prefer illustrating a pepper like this one.

These peppers are a lot prettier than the story I am going to share below!

“Hot Stuff”

Sometimes on illustration assignments I am required to sign confidentiality agreements. Even though I haven’t had to on my recent projects, in the interest of being discreet I won’t name the clients I’m working for.

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I have learned a lot as an illustrator.

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I received a small assignment to create two illustrations to go on a pizza box. One was for garlic and the other chipotle. For the garlic flavor, I already had existing art that could be used.

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Garlic

But for the chipotle flavor I had to create new art. Rarely is that required of me, since I have such an extensive library of existing food images.

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So now, I am intimately acquainted with Chipotle peppers. They were a lot harder to illustrate than I thought.

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It was because they were incredibly ugly and no actual reference existed!

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Every job of mine begins with finding reference. I contacted the art director after going to a local Hispanic market looking for an example of chipotle peppers. I told her that I couldn’t find any actual peppers to work from. It seemed that they only existed as a picture on a can. And inside the can, those peppers were soaked in Adobo sauce. I needed something better than that to work from.

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So she emailed me a picture that I will name “Pepper Corpses.”

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Pepper Corpses

I couldn’t believe it – how in the world would I illustrate peppers looking like that?

It was time for me to be truly creative. I remembered seeing dried peppers at the Latino market. I would just go back and find something “similar.” I must mention that I was also searching for reference on another assignment. I needed items of caramel, chocolate and ice cream. For a few weeks I became a supermarket sleuth! My dining room table was covered with illustration reference.

Unfortunately, the peppers I found did not really match the shape or color. Some were very tiny, long and a bright red color. Others were longer, wider and brown in color. I altered my photos and tried to match the photo of pepper corpses above. I then shot them off to the Art Director, whom I will call AD.

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AD sent me back more photo reference.

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Aha! Now I was on the right track! Once again, I went back to the Hispanic Market and went through all the bins of dried peppers while holding a color copy of those images above. The penny was helpful for size, but there was still nothing that matched. But I knew with Photoshop I could do wonders.

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As I was walking toward the checkout line, there was another bin. Wallah! There were peppers that really seemed close to what AD wanted. Hint: They were not Chipotle.

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Chipotle reference close-up

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I began my digital work and delicately erased the background and arranged the peppers into different compositions. I sent my layout choices off to the AD.

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The AD picked B. But now, the color had changed. Brown or eggplant color was out and I was instructed to create something with a deep red. I created another layout on my computer.

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Final Layout

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My layout was approved! I felt like I saw peppers in my sleep by now. My eyes burned because I rubbed them by mistake while I was photographing the dried peppers. I forgot how potent those peppers were!

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The process of creating my illustration was usually simple at this point. I printed out my image onto watercolor paper and worked over it. I used a lot of colored pencil, especially on the highlight areas that were numerous and too busy.

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Sometimes my illustrations feel very abstract as a close-up.

Sometimes my illustrations feel very abstract when viewed as a close-up.

I sent off the final art and it was a relief. I always looked forward to the message telling me my artwork was approved and that I could send an invoice. I held my breath.

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The AD sent me a message with a tiny revision. It wasn’t difficult with my computer to alter the artwork. But of course, I thought, “Why didn’t she see that sooner?”

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I made the small change and then I received her message below:

Judy! Client loves the work and is so thankful we talked them into illustration vs. photography. All approved!! : )

THANK YOU SO MUCH again for jumping on this! Shoot over your invoice and I’ll get it into accounting right away. Yippeee!

I wrote back:

Wow! You just made my day. 🙂 🙂 🙂

After illustrating peppers, I feel like I’m hot stuff.

Judy

Chipotle Pepper Final Art

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, arranging a song, artist, Caesar Salad illustration, capsicum, chipotle peppers, commercial artist, composing, creativity, digital art, digital illustration, food illustration, garlic illustrations, guitar, Humor, humor daily life, illustrating, illustrating food, illustrating in layers, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, Judy Unger, Music, music as layers, musical arrangements, musical arranging, original songs, Peppers, Perfume medley, Ready Pac, songwriting, watercolors, writing | 2 Comments

DO NOT SUCCUMB – PART 1

Posted on September 30, 2013 by Judy

The sweet melody lifted me into the sky. Every note caressed my heart and soul. And when I sang along with it, it was simply unbelievable. There was nothing more beautiful in my world than this. It didn’t seem possible that within a few hours such a wondrous creation could be born.

It looped in my mind and I heard it playing even when it wasn’t being played aloud.

When it was playing, I was soaring.

When it was playing, I felt a warm tingling sensation in my heart.

When it was playing, colors glowed and seemed brighter.

When it was playing, I felt joyful and happy.

And when it was playing, I was glad I was alive.

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Below is a link to my first story about this song:

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Story behind HANG ON

suc . cumb (intransitive verb)

1. give in

2. die from something

Synonyms: yield, submit, surrender

The title for this story is a line of lyrics from my song “Hang On.”

The reason for the definition above is simple. Here is how the word succumb fits into my lyrics for “Hang On.”

Though you are numb, do not succumb.

I wrote my song “Hang On,” not long after I composed “The Unknown.” It helped heal me from my own pain tremendously.

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Living with numbness was how I operated for decades. I did not allow myself to feel anything.

Hanging on was also my way of coping. While I was hanging on, I held on tightly and allowed others to help me. I hung on with others who were also suffering like I was.

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Hanging on represented something temporary, so I was still able to dream about a future without pain.

Although I was inspired to write my lyrics related to grief, hanging on also applied to other things in my life. I’ve hung on through my divorce.

And at this moment my mother is hanging on. I am holding her tightly and we are hanging on together. I know one day our pain will go away. Love is what keeps my mother hanging onto life. But I also know that with her death, love never leaves. I feel calm and accepting and treasure this because the alternative would erase my joy and detract from my own life.

Succumbing to grief happens. I’ve watched many people succumb to their grief. Health issues resulted and even an early death. It was awful and sad. I have been proud of my survival of grief, and prouder still of allowing happiness into my life.

It was because I was determined not to yield, submit, surrender or succumb to my grief. When my child died, my grief was so powerful and suffocating that it left me trampled on the ground.

But I didn’t lie there.

I crawled and moved forward. It was love that kept me going.

Succumb is not a pretty word to sing. But it does tell my story.

A picture of my mother as a child.

Update on my mother’s condition:

Message from Dr. Sam:

Hi Judy…. I agree with what you are doing…there is a big push now to put elderly patients on hospice, ending their life and the associated costs of treatment. Sometimes, of course, hospice is valuable…when patients have terminal diseases and wish to be kept comfortable at home or in their facility. But your Mom still seems to get enjoyment out of life, continues to eat, and obviously enjoys seeing you and going to lunch. I think that the kind of treatments you are giving her are perfectly appropriate…no hospitalization does NOT mean no care, and make sure you keep reminding the nursing home of that, and what your wishes are.

I had an 86-year-old practicing attorney admitted to a local hospital with a fractured shoulder…they tried to put HIM on hospice, after he became disoriented from too much pain medication. His daughter, also an attorney, had a fit and stopped them…but we are seeing more and more of this, unfortunately…Sam

Wow, thank you, Sam. I think every situation is unique to what the person wants. My father wanted to die and I followed his wishes. I know my mother really clings to life and this would be what she wants. She doesn’t seem to be suffering, and very much enjoys seeing my brothers and I. Although the rest of the time can’t be easy for her – Miriam sure helps. Judy

Message from my middle brother:

Judy, how is mom today?

I checked in on her yesterday and spoke with Miriam this morning. She’s off oxygen!

I think she made it through the stress of receiving gamma globulin and is getting her strength back. It sure doesn’t seem to be a hospice situation like it was last week.

An administrator from her nursing home called to admonish me for insisting they arrange transportation to the gamma appointment that I was able to insist upon. She said, “It’s not our policy to switch things around at the last minute.” I became irritated when she began lecturing me.

But I turned it all around by saying, “You’re calling me – but I should have called you first! Thank you for taking my mom to that life-saving appointment.”

After that, the woman didn’t really know what to say. I told her this was not a regular thing at all. I would have carried mom myself to gamma if I had to.

Love, Jude

Message from a friend:

My, what a saga, Judy. It proves once again that a person definitely needs an advocate.

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Link to Part 2 of this story:

DO NOT SUCCUMB – Part 2

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My mom and I on an outing to see snow. I’m in my early teens.

In this picture, my mom is with me as I graduate preschool.

Tagged Aging Parents, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, Hang On, healing from grief, healing music, inspiration, let love shine a light, loss, love is never gone, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, music as therapy, music healing, optimism, original songs, positive thinking, singing, songwriting, writing | Leave a comment

ALL YOUR STRENGTH IS IN ME

Posted on September 27, 2013 by Judy

My father hated to throw anything away. He saved all my childhood artwork. I probably drew this when I was about eight or nine years old.

Normally I went out with my mother for lunch on Wednesdays. But an hour before, Miriam (my mother’s companion) called to tell me my mother wasn’t well enough to go out this week. So I decided to visit both of them; we’d just have lunch at my mother’s nursing home instead. But when I arrived, it was clear something was terribly wrong. This was not the chronic respiratory condition my mother usually had.

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The charge nurse tried to be patient with me. I kept interrupting her; anger seeped into my voice and I felt heat rising in my scalp. I was upset when she told me that no doctor was available to check my mother; the nursing home did not have a doctor that came to the nursing home on that day.

As the nurse gently explained the procedures, I made it clear that my mother had immune issues. A week earlier I had complained that she was coughing and would benefit from an antibiotic. She was given one and had improved slightly. But over the weekend, she took a turn for worse. Why hadn’t another antibiotic been prescribed when it was clear the first one wasn’t working?

I emphatically stated that just because my mother had a “no hospitalization order” – it didn’t mean I didn’t want measures taken to give her a fighting chance.

The charge nurse told me that even though a doctor wasn’t available to check her, a nurse practitioner would be coming soon. An hour later, I received a call and was glad I had stirred them into action. My mother received increased oxygen and many tests were ordered.

Before the call ended, the charge nurse asked me to consider hospice for my mother.

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Like an echo in a canyon, her words reverberated through my mind over and over again. I wasn’t ready. My father’s death felt fairly recent, even though it had been over a year ago.

I noticed that I still held onto the feeling that I had control over this outcome. With the breathing treatments, the nurse said my mother was responding. In another day my mother would receive a boost of gamma globulin, which also might make a difference.

Later that day, I received a call with results of an x-ray. The nurse spelled out the letters of CHF for me. After I hung up, I figured out those letters stood for congestive heart failure.

My mother was 88 years old. She had become increasingly frail over the past six months. Her decline with dementia for the last three years had also been unstoppable. But her love for me always permeated. I slowly discarded the fear of her ever not recognizing me.

I thought I was ready for this. My mother who was so close to me had left my world three years ago. She was replaced with a shadow of her former self. Despite her ferocious ability to cling to life, it was not easy to watch her struggle.

I often wondered, how would I remember her? This frail, sweet loving woman was not the woman who danced through stores shopping with me. I was so blessed to have a mother who accompanied me to all of my childrens’ doctor appointments. She usually planned my birthday months in advance. With her decline, I pretended she still had awareness although she had no idea about calendar days. I would just buy myself a birthday gift and show it to her while thanking her for loving me so much. Despite her advanced dementia, she would glow hearing my words.

I decided it was easier to remember my mother as she was now. Letting go of “a shadow” – was something I was able to do.

It was far more difficult to let go of memories of the mother I longed for at the onset of her illness.

But my longing gradually turned into quiet acceptance. I marveled at my strength. It was best she did not accompany me through my divorce and a huge relief. Yet I was heartsick that my brothers had not reconciled so she could see all three of us together while she was still alive.

That was another reminder of how little control I had.

Was her death is imminent? In a few days I would know.

It seemed possible that she could recover as she had many times before. But she was certainly not going to live forever.

My mother was weak and clearly exhausted. In my heart, perhaps it was her time.

There’s never a good time to lose someone you love. Only a week ago, I felt so peaceful and happy.

My journey had finally taken me to a place above the pain and sorrow I had camped in. The valley of sadness was below me and I had crested onto a beautiful peak. The vistas in every direction allowed me to fully appreciate my remarkable journey.

I rested on that peak and wondered what to do next.

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Even with dementia, I know how blessed I was to have my mother’s love. She was excited to see my first new car in twenty years, which I leased last December.

My mom and my new car

I want to share something that I found in my father’s memorabilia. My mother wrote four pages about the experience of losing her own mother. She wrote it a year after her mother died to read at the unveiling service for her mother’s gravestone.

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As I read her typed pages, I remember observing her grief. I was perhaps nine years old at that time and it was difficult to see her sadness. It was my first lesson about grief and I’ve never forgotten it. Clicking on these two pages make them larger.

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Message to both my brothers, yesterday:

Mom was too sick to go out for lunch today. I brought Miriam a sandwich and just visited her at the nursing home. Mom was having some trouble breathing and couldn’t open her eyes. Even though she was struggling, I knew she was aware that I was there; she tried to mumble a few words.

They were cooling her because she had a slight fever and keeping her as comfortable as possible.

Mom was supposed to have received her monthly gamma globulin treatment this past Monday, but the office cancelled it and rescheduled it for this coming Monday (the doctor had jury duty). This happened when she really needed the boost to her immune system.

I wanted to see if she could receive it any sooner than this Monday because it might help her with this situation.

Anyway, I managed to get it arranged for Friday. I also let her nursing home know that even though mom has a “no hospitalization order,” they can still give her an IV with antibiotics or fluid. It’s interesting that they think her situation is “do not treat,” which it is not.

Love, Judy

These are song lyrics for my newest song, which is not finished.

Tagged Aging Parents, Caregiving, Congestive heart failure, dementia, grief, GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, interstitial lung disease, loss, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother dying, mother's illness, writing | 4 Comments

THE UNKNOWN-PART 1

Posted on September 21, 2013 by Judy

Link to recordings and more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

THE UNKNOWN

I go through my day to places that heal me

I cannot stay, you no longer feel me

My words will stun you, ‘cause I’ve begun to

Leave you behind; I escape in my mind

My tears I hide when you are near me

I cry inside where you can’t hear me

I’ve watched you brood; avoid your mood

There’s no connection without affection

I run from you; don’t know where to

The touch you withhold just feels so cold

That’s when I withdrew

I feel so alone; your heart is like stone

I lie awake and feel my heart break

I’m ready to face the unknown

You’re caught off guard; this is so hard

The touch that I crave has made me so brave

I’ve known you so long; I must alert you

This feels so wrong; I hate to hurt you

With so much pain, I can’t remain

You might not miss me, ‘cause you never kiss me

I run from you; don’t know where to

The touch you withhold just feels so cold

That’s when I withdrew

For years I stayed, ’cause I was afraid

don’t even know, where I will go

But I’m so ready

I feel so alone; your heart is like stone

I lie awake and feel my heart break

I’m ready to live on my own

I’m ready to face the unknown

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I love the image of a baby hummingbird for this song. I also wrote a parable I named “The Songbird,” which tells my story with metaphors.

Other alternative song titles that I considered:

“I’m So Ready”

“I Run From You”

“Heart Like Stone”

Title that a good friend gave my song:

“The F.U. song”

When I began to write this blog in 2010, I was exhilarated and ecstatic. I was ready to try new things as I felt myself being transformed and healed. My excitement about re-learning my music and songs slowly crept into my life.

I was not afraid to put myself out there. I find that interesting, because currently my journey has led me to a place where I am refining my vocals so they are “acceptable” for me to release and eventually sell.

But in 2010 when I began my music, I felt certain I would become successful. I find that amazing because at that time, I could barely sing the melodies to my songs. I jumped into performing and I cringe remembering how I sounded.

A few months after I began playing my guitar, I signed up for inexpensive voice lessons at a nearby public park. My teacher’s name was Peaches Chrenko. For some reason, I hired a videographer to come to one of my first lessons.

I can’t remember my exact reason for doing that, but my guess is that I wanted to document something that I felt was an important step in my journey. The pictures for this story are from that video.

Even though I hardly knew Peaches, on that video it was obvious that we were already laughing and connecting about music.

Peaches certainly understood what it meant to be a passionate songwriter.

I might have been coping with difficult circumstances such as my mother’s dementia or my father’s declining health – but when I was at a voice lesson with Peaches, I was alive.

For so many years, I lived without laughter. But for one hour every week when I had a lesson with Peaches, I discovered how beautiful it was to laugh again.

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As I began to compose songs again after 30 years, I discovered there is a part of my mind that is like an “empty space.” That hollow space is ready to be filled with a new song. I have no idea how or why my mind creates a song, but when it happens, it is something I have no choice but to allow for. It doesn’t matter how busy I am because when a song enters my mind I am stopped in my tracks.

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Every song of mine is part of “the musical of my life,” and feels as though it is already written; I am simply discovering it. The process is magnificent and usually begins with chords and a melody; the words soon follow.

When I began to hear the chords and melody for this song, I had no idea what would be unleashed.

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It is hard to describe how painful it was to extract lyrics from my soul while I was writing my song “The Unknown.”

I was grateful I could share “The Unknown” as it progressed with Peaches. I told her how I felt like my heart was breaking open as the words to my song emerged. Words can be powerful, and that same week I experienced terrible pain in my breastbone. It was while I was sitting in my doctor’s office waiting to get results from an x-ray, that I realized how my lyrics of “I feel my heart break” had literally manifested as physical pain in my chest.

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I wrote the song lyrics for “The Unknown” while I was on vacation with my family. Late at night, painful words started to fill my mind. My deadened emotions, which had helped me cope with anger and hatred suddenly began erupting. As my honest feelings poured out with my lyrics, I could not stop them.

I felt terribly disloyal and guilty writing my song, but I had finally faced my feelings!

I was suffering every moment that I spent with my husband. He was critical, angry and remote. I had withdrawn from him so much that he certainly might have felt the same way I did. He could have written those song lyrics about me.

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This picture of me playing my guitar at the age of 15 is taken in the patio where I am now living. When I sing, I feel like I am that young girl in the picture above.

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Hypnotherapy allowed me to “unstuff” my feelings in so many areas. I became very open, and the contrast with my marriage was stark and visible for me. My ability to be open and the desire to feel understood was something that would not allow me to accept my marriage anymore.

My husband was not interested in my journey and I shared little of it with him. In order to assuage him, I expressed extreme confidence that I would eventually become financially successful. That only added pressure, and was so counter to what I believed my journey was about. My joy was about helping other people. For me, any financial benefit would be to reach even more people and enable me to continue doing what I loved.

The heart of the matter was my willingness to go against what was familiar in order to face something that truly was unknown. I felt as if I were stepping off a cliff because worrying about financial security wasn’t going to stop me.

I never considered anything other than total commitment to marriage while raising my children. For decades, I had remained married in order to give my children stability, though sadly the lack of affection between my husband and I was not the example I wanted for them.

I used to believe that remaining married was the highest priority, certainly more important than my own happiness. It was amazing how I suddenly decided not to sacrifice my happiness anymore. My newfound desire to make each day of my life as precious as “a gold coin,” would not allow me to live in an environment as remote as the one I had lived in for such a long time. It was far too late to repair my marriage, and I had no desire to.

I did not leave my husband to find someone else. I was happy because I discovered I preferred to be alone; it was far better than my empty marriage. I was strong enough to face the unknown; whatever it might be. At the age of 51, I had never lived on my own, because I had left the security of living with my parents when I was married at the age of 21.

The most difficult part was hurting someone I once loved with whom I had spent so many years of my life.

I hoped he would discover a better life as I led the way into the unknown.

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Below is a continuation of my dialog with Peaches, (my former voice teacher) while I was composing my song “The Unknown.”

JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #5

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #5 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J. I’m beginning to feel more spiritual lately; I have to tell you that.

P: Oh, interesting.

J: Because I’ve had a lot of doubts about God before. But I’m beginning to think that my music was sent to me to save me. That’s a huge revelation for me.

P: Geeze, I don’t talk to you for six days and look what happens!

J: One of my stories led me to write this song (“The Unknown”) because if I view every day of my life as precious I don’t want to live with someone who makes me unhappy.

I was reading about agents and books, and they said that book titles should be unique – easy to find. So I Googled “Beside Me Always” – there’s nothing with that title. There’s no other song; there’s no other book. There were just a few evangelical writings and they were named “Always Beside Me.”

You remember the song “You Light Up My Life?” I’ve told you this; I see how my song (“Beside Me Always”) might be taken by a lot of people looking for spirituality, even though for me it is about my child. But there’s more to it – it’s that comfort of being surrounded. So I think it’s a good thing.

P: Yes, it just keeps growing. It just keeps getting broader, wider and deeper. It continues expanding, this multi-faceted journey of your life!

J: Did you like the idea for the title? I think, “I’m” could come off. It could just be “Ready to Face The Unknown. Or, “I’m Ready.” That might be a song title already; I don’t know. “I Run From You” might be too mean, though.

P: “I’m Ready to Face The Unknown” sounds too much like a sentence. You’re giving away your chorus a bit.

J: Oh, yeah, that’s true. Although it’s more memorable with the word “unknown.” It is unusual.

P: It is very much so.

J: This feels like a musical. It’s a musical song, a story going on of my life.

P: You said that before and I didn’t get that. But when you said it just now, I hear what you’re saying.

J: I see a stage and someone singing . . .

P: There’s also a possibility of one-word titles like “Ready” where people don’t know what it’s about.

J: Or “The Unknown?”

P: When you first came to me, that was the title that I heard. Because I’m always looking for the unusual, simple titles that haven’t been used.

J: I think I like “The Unknown.” Because when you say, “I’m Ready,” you could be ready for anything. That’s good, because it does sound like you’re leaving – jumping. It is not just about this. This is painful and scary. So “The Unknown” represents a lot more of what my song is about.

P: And certainly adds a mystery and depth to it.

J: It does! “The Unknown!” Oh, I like that. Peaches, I love you!

P: I didn’t say that to you earlier, because I didn’t want to sway you.

J: Peaches, you didn’t sway me – that hits me!

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JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #6

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #6 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: I pushed it down for so long.

P: Yeah, and this song feels like someone who feels bad about feeling bad. This is very tender. This is, “I respect you, but we’re just not connecting anymore.”

J: I didn’t know when I wrote the music how it would fit. I am so pleased that I could do this. And then I even added, “I’m ready to live on my own.”

P: Oh, I like that!

J: I decided to make it clear – because it is part of facing the unknown. I’ve never lived on my own – EVER! I’m fifty-one years old and I’ve never lived on my own – my whole life.

A WEEK LATER:

J: I love my new song but if I didn’t change gears I’m going to get sick. It’s so hard to have that. I want to record it, but I feel like I have to force myself to wait to record it. It’s sort of like – I need to keep it under wraps.

P: Keep it in here? (She points to her heart).

J: Yes, although I can look forward to recording it. But I’ve got to focus on other things. I’m trying to move ahead to see what other things I could work on to get this out of my mind.

P: You’re so funny – so funny.

J: Why?

P: Because, these songs are your babies. And when you get them; that’s where you live. You have to deny yourself.

J: I know!

P: You look hot, Judy.

J: Hot? Like?

P: Yeah, good hot.

J: (Laughter) I’m sweating!

P: No, no! (Laughter). Otherwise, I would just turn the air-conditioning up.

J: A different look?

P: Yeah.

J: I have different eyes. I have a different way of seeing the world. I mean it’s sort of like the ceiling was taken off and I can see the sky. I have all kinds of ideas. I’ve never even been with someone who plays tennis. I was always saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be with someone who plays tennis?”

P: Because you love tennis?

J: I’m not looking for a man. There’s so many things I’d want companionship for and it would be nice to be with someone I could be with. And for him, too.

P: Yeah.

J: But for right now, this is a terrible time. I just don’t know why it came up at this time. There’s got to be a reason that the music did it for me. I know it.

P: It always seems like a weird time for certain things. It’s never the time you would really choose. Rarely is it the right time.

J: I would much rather have chosen to be busy traveling, promoting my book, making lots of money and then decide, “Now it’s real easy to just leave.” But, no! It had to come up now. When I’m just so at the lowest point, in terms of finances – you know, I’m trying to find my worth. This is really an opportunity for me to find my strength.

P: That’s true, Judy.

J: I have to totally self-talk and tell myself how valuable I am, because if he finds out now – I’ll be scathed. My betrayal – oh, it’s causing me stomach pain.

P: Oh, goodness gracious – it’s hard. But everybody gets through it.

J: I’ll come through it.

P: You do it minute to minute, the way you’re doing it right now.

J: Thank God for the music! Thank, God! Thank, God!

P: Yes.

J: You know what? People might relate to me in another area. I never thought of that. It’s interesting. Because I like to be an inspiration for surviving grief, but I would have also liked to be an inspiration on how to stay married. But I guess people might understand these feelings. I’m going to cause the divorce rate to go up! All these women are going to look at their husbands and go: “I’m ready! I’m ready to go shopping – to go travel! To go live without you!

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JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #7

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #7 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: It’s like I don’t want to express these feelings. I’m very good at holding my feelings in – but with music it causes things to come out that you don’t realize. It’s there for you. And this was not a good time for me to be writing that song. I’m not ready to share it. The only thing I can think of Peach, is I have that empty space – it’s not empty yet. I still have this in there. I have to move this out. I’ve got to start writing another song because this one plays and loops in my head – I’m so into it.

P: Your brain works against you sometimes.

J: As a songwriter, you have that?

P: Oh, yes. I totally have to see “play” and “stop” buttons in my head. And I have to push “stop.” Mentally – I have to see a button and I tell myself, “You will stop playing.”

J: I wish I could do that. I don’t know how to stop it!

P: Well, you have to find something. Maybe you need to scream or slam something down – I don’t know.

J: I wake up in the morning and I hear it playing. It starts the minute I wake up.

P: Yeah, I know.

A WEEK LATER:

J: Can I pull out my guitar?

P: Yes, absolutely!

J: Well, I feel like this whole thing is about how God has sent me my songs. I don’t understand the timing on this last song at all. It’s just like what you said. As a songwriter, it’s a baby and it hurts. It really hurts because I didn’t get to enjoy my baby. At first, a negative way of looking at it was it was the devil – the devil baby! A demon! I gave birth to something evil! Get rid of it!

But actually, I have a whole other way of looking at it. If my song was a baby, than that song was a premature baby. A “premature baby” meaning that I don’t understand why it came so soon. It came when it wasn’t supposed to and it required a lot of care. I just decided I have to let go of it. It is too much for me right now. So what’s the best thing I could do? Replace and move on! I went ahead and started writing something else.

P: Great!

J: I had to and it helped. It’s like I say with God; I just feel like I’m being comforted with the knowledge that I can do something else – because, this is not a time to be writing songs. I have a book to work on. I have plenty to do; but who can control it? So it is my therapy to move that song out and put something else in. And because it’s a gift I decided that whatever I write is going to be something that’s going to help other people. So I’m writing a song to inspire other people to know they can survive.

It’s sort of like – I was thinking of that “Titanic” song “Your Heart Will Go On.” But this is more of saying, “You will make it.” But I don’t have all the lyrics yet; I just have one verse. It’s so hard. I don’t want to be preachy and I don’t want clichés, you know. But the music speaks. I started by going on a chord hunting expedition.

P: Oh, good!

J: This you can appreciate . . .

(Judy plays guitar chords to her future song, which will be named “Hang On”)

JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #8

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #8 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: I have it all with my music. What if I didn’t have my music? You know it is interesting because my music was there for me in my youth and I gave it up when I got married. But I found it again and I found it on my own. Sometimes we outgrow things; we need more in our life. And I think for me, I need more in my life. I realize wanting more can lead to less, in that you might not appreciate what you have. But that’s the unknown; I don’t really know. I’m willing to make a mistake and you know a risk has payoffs.

P: Weren’t you talking about the melody feeling repetitious?

J: Yes in the chorus. If you had any ideas of anything I could change.

(Judy demonstrates on the guitar.)

J: Oh, I want to hear your suggestion . . . But I just had the idea of coming in higher here.

P: Go ahead.

J: (singing) Your heart is like stone.

P: That’s pretty.

J: But I found it! (Laughter) I say, “ Peaches, show me.” Then I sing right over you! What’s the matter with me?

P: And she’s says, “I found it!”

J: I feel like I’m ten years old!

A WEEK LATER:

P: Judy, you’re in a hostile-type environment and it’s so strange with people you love. Usually, it’s clear – I’m in a hostile environment; people don’t love me. But to me, your situation seems nebulous and confusing.

J: It’s very confusing.

P: You have the love . . .

J: They love me, but they’re upset.

P: And the fact that you’re doing this music in a hostile environment is amazing.

J: It’s a miracle.

P: I don’t know if I’ve ever had that experience. It’s tough even being with people who support you. It’s hard to be naked; it’s hard to create because you just want to be alone sometimes and create stuff and feel free to try things and sound stupid. That’s hard.

J: Yes!

P: So you are doing this and it’s amazing! It’s like being on a battlefield in Afghanistan and writing those songs . . .

J: And I used to have the love of my mom to support me with things I did. But I don’t have that anymore. I miss that feeling. But I feel myself. In fact it’s making me stronger, because I have to find my own purpose.

P: It has to be, because you’re still doing it. Nothing is stopping you – you’re doing more than ever!

J: I love my children and I understand because my daughter verbalized it well. She said, “I am happy for you, but it’s hard to be happy for you because what made you happy took you away from us.”

It took me away from devoting my life to them, which is something I can’t do anymore and I shouldn’t do at this stage in their lives. It’s not healthy.

P: Exactly.

J: But it was sudden; it wasn’t gradual. It happened so quickly. With time, we’ll have a different perception.

P: Yes, you know this can’t go on.

J: And the irony is that probably in the long run it will be better for my husband, too. You know when you hear the words – he broods and with his mood, and there’s no connection without affection. It can’t be good for him. He’s very passive.

P: Yes. When someone is exhibiting that kind of behavior they’re not having a great time.