LONELINESS FILLED MY DREAMS

Posted on March 17, 2011 by Judy

My mother before I was born.

“My mother will be fine with physical therapy”

I went to meet my mom at an appointment with the same orthopedic doctor she saw for a “second opinion” a month ago. He was very nice.

He looked at all the x-rays, and showed both my mother and me where the x-ray indicated her fractured hipbone was healing. He said it would only continue to become stronger over time.

My mother demonstrated movement by easily lifting both her legs without any pain. I mentioned that it was the “weight bearing” exercises that worried the physical therapist at her facility so much because my mom “grimaced.” He said a grimace was understandable and part of the process.

The doctor said that my mother would be fine with 50% weight-bearing exercises for two weeks and then full, weight-bearing exercises after that. He said it might be hard to do the 50%, but even a little at 100% would be okay.

He said the risk was slight, and he wanted another x-ray taken in two weeks time to make certain there wasn’t any displacement.

My mom was crying when she arrived at the appointment due to extreme confusion.

I was able to calm her and bring her back to reality, but it wasn’t easy. When the doctor explained to her that her hip was healing, she understood the implications. After the appointment, she was beaming.

I was really glad to see her relaxed and happy again, despite her struggle with dementia.

Who is this couple? Oh yeah, my parents!

I’ve decided the aging process is unbelievably painful for the entire family when it involves dementia.

“I could feel her grief”

I was definitely wearing a “Super Daughter cape” as I left my mother following her appointment. I wrestled with the “demon of dementia” and had won. My mother went from tears to joy as I steadily convinced her of the reality.

As I drove home, however, I still had the familiar, gnawing pain inside me. I wondered why I wasn’t more joyful that my mother had beaten the odds and survived her hip fracture without having surgery!

I decided that although I had a lot of things to do at home, I would stop and treat myself to a manicure. Since I bit my nails almost all my life, I marvel at the nails I started growing last July. Having a manicure is a way to reward myself and appreciate their beauty.

I realized with the difficult economy, the nail salon was certainly suffering since many people would consider a manicure a luxury to do without. It was one reason I had put it off.

I wrote a story a few months ago about a certain manicurist at the salon near my home. Her name was Thao, and she was Vietnamese. WHAT IS LEFT SINCE YOU DIED

Sure enough, the salon was empty when I went inside. Thao raced over to me, and I was glad to see her. She told me she had listened to the CD I had given her, but her player was now broken.

She was still very sad. Her eyes were large and despair was deep within. I could feel her grief.

As she worked on my nails, I asked her to tell me about the brother she loved so much who had died. She told me how he used to sing and play guitar. I asked her if she liked to sing too, but she said she couldn’t because it was too painful for her.

It turned out the date of his death was in a few weeks and that had certainly intensified her sadness. She said it would be two years since he died.

I asked her what she planned to do on that day. She said she would cook his favorite meal; she missed cooking for him. Then she told me in her halting English, “I want to cry all the time, but I don’t.”

I told her that those tears were important to release. I remembered that well. I said to her softly, “You know, letting those tears out allows for joy to come in. Not allowing pain, does not allow for pleasure either. Plus, it takes so much energy to hold tears in!”

Before I left, she ran to the back of the salon and brought out a picture to show me of her and her brother. Then, she insisted I take something home for lunch; it was a container of fried rice. I didn’t know what to do, because even though I don’t usually eat rice – I didn’t want to say no.

I also realized she had probably given away her own lunch. But she said to me, “Judy, you’ve done so much for me and I want to do something for you!”

I came home and tasted the rice. Steam started coming out of my ears, but I was grinning.

I could taste her appreciation.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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IN QUIET SHADE OF SYCAMORES

Posted on March 11, 2011 by Judy

A beautiful closeup of an incredible medley of salad greens. I ate this!
 

On a whim, I decided to play a medley of John Denver songs to celebrate playing my guitar outdoors. My voice lesson clips are only for anyone who wants to share my passion for music and songwriting!

J. D. MEDLEY #1 BY JUDY

J. D. MEDLEY #2 BY JUDY

PEACHES LESSON 3-11-11 #1

PEACHES LESSON 3-11-11 #2

PEACHES LESSON 3-11-11 #3

When I was little I used to wish my friend and neighbor, Joni, were able to play with me. Joni’s parents owned a dry cleaning store and unfortunately she had to work there every day after school until nighttime. This began from the time she was very little.

She did not attend the same school as I until high school because her school needed to be the one closest to the dry cleaning shop. By the time we were in high school, we were not as close. But we always remained friends, since we were toddlers. A beautiful exchange about this is at: #213 THE BEAUTY REMAINS

Over the last thirty years, Joni and I seldom saw each other. Certainly, we didn’t do anything as adventurous as hiking.

I used to imagine Joni and I might be playing monopoly again when we were old! I figured we’d be old before we had the time to do that!

Carol and Joni before we left on our hike.

Yesterday, Joni and I met up with Carol to go on a “foraging expedition.” This “adventure” would be our second outing as a threesome. A month ago we collected Chanterelle mushrooms with Carol’s expertise. We cooked them at the picnic area and they were absolutely delicious. Being that Carol was an avid forager made it easy for me to trust her knowledge. Carol shared that when she lived in Iowa, she was involved with educating people about locally produced foods and sustainable agriculture.

Carol and I were good friends while I was in college. We lost touch after she was briefly engaged to Sam, who was my boyfriend on and off through high school. Sam found my blog and reconnected with me last October. (My song, “You’re Not the One” was written for him!) In October, Sam told me how to find Carol. Sam and Carol were not in touch, but I have been in touch with both of them since then.

This has all been very interesting!

Yesterday, as Joni and I rode together to Carol’s home near Pasadena, I marveled how I felt like a young girl again.

We quickly arrived at Carol’s house. Carol gave us a tour; her home was warm and very quaint. Her garden displayed pure joy. It was obvious to see she had an eye for color, texture, and certainly taste!

Carol had just celebrated her birthday. Her husband had made her a beautiful book that displayed a lot of the beautiful food they enjoyed together. I took a picture of the front and back covers – the experience of tasting those Chanterelles with Carol was something I certainly wouldn’t forget.

Our “foraging adventure” was in the Angeles National Forest near Chantry Flats. It wasn’t far from Carol’s house.

Foraging was definitely a slower pace than simply hiking. Carol shared with Joni and I a lot of her knowledge. There were many kinds of “greens,” they became bitter if they were “older,” even if they were edible. With Fennel leaves, the tender, young shoots resembled caterpillars unlike the tough, outer ferns.

Carol gathering Miner’s lettuce.

It was fascinating to learn about the edible plants and what to look for. I had actually illustrated many herbs before, but seldom had the opportunity to actually see the living plant.

Unfortunately, by the time I recognized “stinging nettle,” which I had illustrated – I already felt my hand tingling and burning!

This is a good example of what we looked at before picking them. It was best to use a scissor, and not pull the plant out by the roots (that way it could grow back).

I photographed a periwinkle flower, and put my painting done years before next to it for comparison.

A periwinkle flower I photographed with a painting of one that I did for a Kirkland (Costco) vitamin supplement label several years ago.

I should have known not to get near this plant – this is an illustration of “stinging nettle” that I did a long time ago!

Now I can look at my painting and know I’ve eaten this plant!

Here were the plants that we gathered to create the most unbelievably, delicious salad: Miner’s Lettuce, Chickweed, Sow Thistle, Dandelion, Mustard, and Fennel.

Carol picked leaves and chewed them slowly. I grinned and told her it was a little “too naked” for me – I would wait for the salad dressing! I was especially excited because Carol had created and brought along a miso/ginger masterpiece for me to taste.

I love streams and running water. I have always wanted to create paintings with rocks and water.

Our hike was downhill going and uphill on the return. As we trudged back, I was looking forward to lunch. Hiking always made everything taste great. Certainly, I knew it would be heavenly to have a picnic. But I have to be honest; I was wary at first. Would the fennel impart a taste strong enough to make the salad taste like licorice? Would mustard greens be bitter?

Carol tossing the salad.

Joni and I – friends for almost fifty years!

A picture for comparison!

My wariness melted away with each bite. The greens were juicy, sweet, and flavorful. I was pleasantly surprised. I never expected weeds to taste so delicious! Of course, adding pine nuts, cheese, avocado, and a few other additions certainly contributed! Sure enough, Carol’s mysterious salad dressing was “out of this world!”

I didn’t want any pictures with green stuff stuck in my teeth!

It was a beautiful thing indeed to reconnect with my friends again. The memory of our outing would always stay with me.

I pulled out my guitar while my two friends finished their salads. I closed my eyes and loved hearing the sound of my guitar tinkling in the breeze. Carol sang along with me on the last two songs.

I shared my newest song with my friends. Lately, it has been echoing in my mind. It isn’t completely formed, but each week my song has progressed a little further. It now has almost all of the chords and melody, but it doesn’t have words or even a name yet.

However, the melody is so upbeat – it speaks without words to me.

When my mood is ready, the lyrics will appear. This process can’t be rushed, and I am hopeful it will happen soon.

Joni took only this one picture of me playing my guitar. It was perfect for me because it captured how happy I felt.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT AWARE

Posted on March 10, 2011 by Judy

A card I received from my mom when things were different – I’ve saved so many!

“I was discouraged”

The nursing facility told me my mom would not be allowed physical therapy. My father was broken down about how the caregivers he paid for would not be allowed to assist my mother at mealtime.

My frustration was obvious when I sent out an email update to my friends and family. I received this message back from my friend, Sam, who is a physician.

On Mar 8, 2011, Sam wrote:

Judy, OK, let’s just all take a step back….

With regard to physical therapy, your mom’s dementia could make this very difficult…we certainly do not want her to be in pain, and it might be hard for her to follow a program that would eventually enable her to walk…furthermore, she could be at even greater risk if she did walk… for falls, confusion as to where she is, etc.

As far as eating, I’m not aware of any evidence showing that her condition will be improved if she eats more…most patients with dementia eventually lose interest in food, whether or not someone helps feed them.  What will change is how quickly you and your family are faced with the decision of whether or not to put in a G-tube for nutrition and hydration.  As you have told me, if your mom is happy and comfortable, that is the key thing.

I don’t want to see you, your brothers, and particularly your Dad, be upset, depressed or angry over your mom’s condition…your mom is doing the best that she possibly can…and all of you are doing the best that you can.  Even the facility is probably doing the best that a home facility can (though it may not seem like it).

Do the best that you can for your Mom, but primarily spend time with her and try to enjoy the awareness that she still does have.  Keep her comfortable and happy…but please don’t tear yourselves up over this.  Professional advocacy, or adversarial relations probably won’t change much for your mom in the long run, but will significantly increase your own stress and discomfort.

I know it’s a very difficult situation, and continue to wish you all the best!…Sam

Hi Sam,

Thanks so much for writing this! It is very, very helpful for me.I’m really glad I’m going hiking today. I think being outdoors and “taking a break” from all of this is what I need to feel more centered again. I was actually looking into advocacy and you’re right – it won’t make a difference and could make things worse.

The sad part for me is that my mom does look forward to meals and despite her weight loss; she enjoys eating (though, briefly). It’s like they’re taking away one of the few things she has!

The physical therapy represented another thing that she was hopeful about. She wanted so badly to do those exercises!

Thanks for putting this in perspective. I hope we’re not faced with the G-tube possibility; I don’t want to think about that because we don’t plan to ever go that route with her again.

I think it’s so wonderful how I’ve been able to share my journey with you, which includes hearing about my friends’ ailments and my reconnecting with Carol. Maybe your ears will be burning today!

Everyone enjoys your messages, too. Thank you and have a great day!

Judy

Dear Judy,

I must say, Sam has hit the nail on the head and has articulated, beautifully, the important things here. You are lucky to have his insight as a physician who is also a friend.

I sure look forward to today with you and Joni; it is stunning outside! See you very soon!

Love, Carol

Hi Carol,

I feel much better about everything. I know our hike today will put things in perspective for me!

Tomorrow, I have a meeting. I’m going to see my mom earlier and enjoy the time with her. I don’t feel like I will allow the meeting to “get me down.”

It is “what it is” and my attitude is very important to everyone around me.

Love, Jude

Ps. Watch out – I might be singing as we gather lettuce today!

On Mar 9, Carol wrote:

Let’s see, what songs could you sing? Lettuce Entertain You…Greensleeves…I’m Looking Over A Four-Leaf Clover…Where Have All The Flowers Gone…Oh What a Beautiful Morning…oh, yeah, I could go on and on until you puke!

On Mar 9, Susan wrote:

…..Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, a kid will eat ivy, too, wouldn’t you? Coming through the Rye, The Wind That Shakes the Barley, The Autumn Leaves, I heard it through the Grapevine, You say Tomato, and I Say Tomahto…

I can’t keep up with such good puns – I conseed!

Actually, I have a voice lesson with Peaches on Friday. I’ll call my lesson – Peaches and HERB.

Love, Judy

A coffee table book Carol received from her husband last week for her birthday. It was full of their photos of favorite foods. I love the book jacket with the Chanterelle mushrooms on the back!

A photo I took yesterday of a portion of Carol’s exquisite gardens.

“She is the one who has kept me alive!”

My father was too depressed to attend the meeting this time.

It was a smaller group of people from her facility than the last time; there were six other people. Everyone was friendly and smiling.

The same familiar issues about my mom were discussed. It still seemed unimaginable to everyone there that my mother did not take pain medication for her “unrepaired,” fractured hip.

A physical therapist told me she had never worked with someone who had a fracture without a surgical repair – she was not comfortable when she saw my mother “grimace.” This was despite my mom verbally expressing that she did not have pain. My mother would not receive any physical therapy. An appointment was made for her to see the orthopedic doctor again.

My mom’s grimace didn’t seem a clear indication of pain to me; it seemed to me that this was more about the therapist’s discomfort of working with someone who did not have hip surgery. I decided patience was warranted, since my mother had an appointment next week with the orthopedic doctor. His decision would over-ride this.

It was very uplifting to hear my mother’s doctor speak. He looked me right in the eye and said, “I have to say your mother has defied the odds. She has done better than I expected. She may actually recover much of her prior function.”

I expressed myself articulately, without emotion. I had many questions. I asked whether my mom could be taken out of the facility as she had been allowed to in the past.

I was told she could leave the facility once she was “signed out.” I asked if her caregiver/companion, Miriam, would be allowed to take her out. That caused some confusion and a discussion followed about who would help put my mom into the car. Then it occurred to everyone that no one from the facility would be there at the other end to take her out of the car!

Finally, I was told it was allowed and I felt relieved. Certainly, it was important to see if my mom was even up for it.

However, it would be very exciting and uplifting for her to look forward to such an outing.

My father told me, “I don’t want her going anywhere – it’s too hard!”

Miriam told me, “I can’t wait to take her to the places she loved before. It’s no trouble for me at all!”

Miriam and I both decided – we wouldn’t worry my father, so instead we would tell him after any outing how it went.

Before I left the meeting, I spoke with a nurse practitioner about my mom’s dementia. She gave me a lot of advice about how to approach my mother’s “confusion.” My term “dance” of dementia fit her philosophy perfectly; dancing was a “lighter” approach versus “correcting.” So I was definitely doing something positive all along by dancing with my mom, in that regard!

Miriam and my mother were waiting for me. I had bought lunch for the three of us. The weather was beautiful and we sat at a shady table outside the dining room. I told Miriam, “You are allowed to feed my mom whenever a family member is there; when you are with me or my dad it’s no problem.”

Prior to that, Miriam told me she did not think it was allowed.

I noticed my visit had lifted not only my mother’s spirits, but Miriam’s as well. I had played my guitar for both her and my mother in the garden earlier in the morning. Miriam was humming along to my songs and it was obvious that she knew my songs by heart. How wonderful that was for me!

When I first arrived, Miriam’s eyes were downcast. Now her eyes were bright and she looked happy. She said, “When you are here I feel like I am not alone. I want to do so much for your mom! But there’s less and less that I can do!”

I reminded her to focus on what she could do rather than what she could not.

My mom ate her lunch with relish – I couldn’t help but throw in a pun; I had brought her a hot dog for lunch! She did not need anyone to help her eat the hot dog or the French fries. It was great to see her eating.

During most of my visit, my mom didn’t make much sense. But her happiness was very apparent and I held onto that instead.

It was time for me to leave; my mom began to fumble with her purse. I knew she was looking for money. I told her how appreciative I was, that I had used her credit card to pay for our lunch. Hearing that made her beam.

Suddenly she turned to Miriam and said, “Where did I ever find my daughter? How did I find such a daughter? She is the one who has kept me alive!”

Miriam’s eyes were shining as she listened. “Judy, please put that in your blog – promise me!”

I hugged my mom and reminded her that god has been looking after her and has kept her alive. Her will to live was remarkable and my goal was simply to keep her as comfortable as possible.

I left and immediately listened to music. I realized I had eaten far too much lunch, but decided to be gentle with myself.

Clicking on this makes it larger.

This sign really spoke to me. It was at the trailhead where I hiked, yesterday.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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SOMEHOW I’M STILL PLAYING

Posted on March 5, 2011 by Judy

When she was young, she had a vision of playing her music for a lot of people on a large stage.

Though she loved to sing, she disliked her own voice. But it was completely different for her to hear the voice of her guitar. It spoke loudly and its beauty captivated her.

She carried her first guitar everywhere until it became sandy and worn. As she “matured” her music began to fade away. Her creativity was now focused upon her art career.

She thought the music might stay if she had a more beautiful guitar. Her devotion to art, which had stolen her musical passion, allowed for the money to buy a special treasure.

When she bought it, she knew that it was special. First of all, the guitar was perfumed with a sweet, odor of rosewood. Its delicate tone resonated with every note. It was her jewel and she considered it the only true treasure she had ever owned.

When she went to play her beautiful instrument she found it very painful. Her fingers were tender and sore. If her new guitar could speak it would have told her a simple fact. It only accepted a passionate musician; nothing less was acceptable. There was no way to fool it.

Only with practice and time would she be allowed to play without pain. Sadly, it was not possible for her to do that.

The years passed and the guitar became dusty and forgotten.

Her exquisite guitar waited for her. It never spoke or called out. Many years later, she opened the case and dusted it off. She wasn’t even sure if she was ready to play it, but this time she played despite the pain.

And then one day, the pain stopped and was replaced with ecstasy.

Some correspondence with my childhood friend, Steve:

On Mar 3, 2011, Steve wrote:

It’s funny; when I read interviews with musicians they invariably say they never listen to their own recordings once they’ve completed them. But you play your own to death. I have to admit I have always wondered if musicians DO listen to their recordings a lot and just feel self-conscious or vain to say so in interviews. Steve

Hi Steve,

That’s interesting about other musicians. I find though, that I don’t listen to my old songs much, only new ones. I pick them apart. However, as I’ve improved, I’ve enjoyed listening more and more because there is less that I pick apart.

I think what has helped my new songs come out better is that I do a lot of preliminary recording to hear how the song structure and vocal sounds. That translates to a better arrangement and vocal with George.

Lately, I’ve enjoyed listening to simple, acoustic recordings to see how my voice is improving. I also want to be a better live performer and that helps me.

Thanks so much for your insight, Steve!

I thought about this exchange. It occurred to me that for most of my life I always hated to hear my recorded voice. When I began playing my guitar again, I had to listen to an old cassette from thirty years ago in order to relearn my songs.

It was painful!

Here is the truth of how I feel about my music and my recordings:

I love most of George’s instrumentation on my songs.

I marvel at my improved voice.

I am filled with amazement at the melodies to my songs.

I feel moved by my lyrics, which connect to my heart.

I believe I am listening to songs that are not my own. I believe these songs were only channeled through me.

The voice I hear singing is not my voice either. It is someone else that I could only have dreamed of being.

I recently wrote about how humor has helped me. Yesterday, nothing felt funny as I struggled with tremendous stress regarding my parents at their nursing facility.

It was helpful for me to write about my stress, for sure. Rather than be impulsive, I did not send my emotional writing to the facility. I decided to wait and see what would happen with the “feeding program” the facility promised to implement.

I began to see alternatives that were beyond fighting “policies.” I did not have a grasp of the law as I had when I advocated for my children. so I decided I might have to find other ways to manage with the situation. This morning, my mother did not eat any breakfast.

A nurse offered to feed her and my mother said, “No thank you.” That was it.

Her caregiver, Miriam, went and bought her something and gave it to her afterwards. It might have been inconvenient, but at least my mother wasn’t hungry.

Last night, I visited my parents and joined them for dinner. The progression of my mother’s dementia left me with an interesting observation.

In the beginning, when my mother didn’t make sense it happened occasionally. Now it was the other way around. That was because most of the time my mother made no sense. Whenever she had a lucid moment, I found myself desperately grabbing onto it!

I held onto the simple fact that despite her confusion my mother was able to still appreciate my presence and express how much she loved me!

I left the facility to perform at Border’s. I was playing an extra night, because my usual schedule was every Sunday with an occasional Friday or Saturday.

One of the benefits of performing regularly was that I no longer became nervous. I was familiar with setting up everything now, and extremely comfortable with my audience.

I carried my gear bag and guitar past two tables that were close to where I would be singing. The people at those two tables were conversing loudly. I had great difficulty singing my songs.

Even though I didn’t want to alienate my audience, I politely asked the noisy people if they could move back in order for me to be able to concentrate on my singing. It was so difficult for me to sing over their loud laughter that I was thinking of stopping and waiting! I decided this was good practice, and part of the challenge of being a performer. I tried to be patient.

Finally, the noisy people left and I was able to sing in a peaceful state. I didn’t have my usual, big smile, but I still felt joyful and intensely appreciative that I could share the music I loved.

I allowed my songs to speak for me. My hour was soon up and I thanked my audience for listening. I was actually surprised when several people clapped enthusiastically and one man commented loudly to me, “You are awesome!”

I packed up my equipment and waited for my “free smoothie.”

While I was waiting, a woman came over to me with tears in her eyes. She shared that her grandmother had dementia. She said my song moved her so much she had to get up and walk around.

Another man shared that he had heard me several times and would certainly be back to hear me again.

There was certain, young man who I noticed had definitely connected with my songs. I could tell he wanted to speak to me, and sure enough he smiled and walked over to where I was waiting. I said to him, “I think I’m kind of old to sing songs for someone your age.”

He said, “You might have reached millions of people with your beautiful songs when you were younger, but it wouldn’t have been the same. Your life experience is what makes your songs so touching. Instead of reaching a million people, you could have a great impact on a few and change lives.”

I thanked him and told him that the few people I’ve touched have already made my life so meaningful.

I sipped my “free smoothie” as I left Border’s. I was smiling again.

I stepped into the night air, and a vision came over me. I was playing my music for a lot of people on a large stage.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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