I wrote “In Every Smile” for my children in 2015. I wanted them to know that when I was gone – it was okay to cry and grieve. I hoped they would cherish smiles and laughter, and that  my love would continue to comfort them.

I simply loved creating my new arrangement for “In Every Smile.” I have a wonderful piano arranger named Devin, whom I work with remotely. His ideas for instrumentation are gorgeous and I put all the parts and sounds together. Prior to our session, I record hours of guitar and vocals, which are tightly edited and ready to work with.

The beauty of this song was a spiritual gift to my life during a very stressful period. However, I didn’t want this post to be my laundry list of challenges. Instead, I prefer to focus on the beautiful ways my song soothed me.

My first trial began during my Tuesday doubles tennis game. I lost balance while stepping backwards and landed on my butt. But then, I tipped backwards to the pavement and my head thumped against the concrete.

My terrified friends ran over to where I lay spreadeagled on the ground. As they pulled me up, I talked the whole time to reassure them I was okay.

I had a few aches and pains, but my mind was clear. After about twenty minutes, I drove home with a big bag of ice behind my head. I waited to see if I had any concussion symptoms like headache or nausea – but there were none. I was extremely lucky!

 Unfortunately, my luck did not continue.

A week earlier, I had gotten a new crown. The temporary really bothered me and I had hoped the final crown would alleviate that. But two days after my tennis court tumble, a horrible throbbing pain traveled through my tooth. It pierced my jaw and traveled up to my ear. I couldn’t sleep and went to my dentist for an emergency visit the next day.

I was put on an antibiotic and five days later my tooth still was aching. It was slightly better, but I went to the dentist again and a different antibiotic was prescribed. After only two doses a strange rash began on my thigh. I called the dentist and was told to stop the medicine.

I was so excited to work with Devin that morning. I noticed after our Zoom session that my head felt terribly itchy. I nonchalantly scratched my scalp over and over. I reached for a back scratcher, which was always handy to have. I stayed up very late to create a first mix of my new arrangement, and then I saved it to my phone.

I couldn’t sleep that night as an intense allergic reaction took hold. Red bumps appeared all over my body. First thing in the morning, I drove to Urgent Care.

They had just opened, and there were already 20 people in line. I did not feel well at all and wondered how long I would be able to stand. As a nurse walked by, I asked if it were possible to put a chair in the hallway where I was waiting. She said it would be a fire hazard and wasn’t allowed.

And then an older man in front of me turned and told me to go sit in the waiting area. He said he would hold my spot and let me know when it was my turn. I thanked him and gratefully sat down and put my head in my hands.

Finally, this kind man signaled me. With a smile, he even motioned for me to go ahead of him. I was so grateful!

Now that I was officially checked in, I had to wait to be called for triage. The minutes ticked by and I began to worry about whether I might be having anaphylactic shock. My throat suddenly started to tighten and I had a gagging sensation. Was this real or panic?

I had already asked two nurses walking by to check on when I might be called. Maybe they had called me and I didn’t hear it. I stood up and went to the front desk. When I told the receptionist that I was in distress, she recommended I go to the ER.

I practically ran out of the building. Once I arrived at the ER, I was quickly checked and told my oxygen was adequate. I was sent back to the waiting room. I still felt like the back of my tongue was thick and I worked on staying calm until I was called

I was monitored in the ER for about five hours. I tried to tune out the yelling in the room next door. They gave me a steroid and told me I’d feel better in a few hours.

I had a wonderful nurse. She felt badly that she couldn’t bring me a snack when I told her I was hungry. The vending machine was empty. It was 2 pm. and she said they were discharging me soon.

When it was time to leave, the nurse went over the medication instructions and asked if I needed anything else.

I grinned and said, “Oh, I’d love to have my back scratched!”

I was so surprised when she smiled and said, “Sure, I can do that!”

With her gloved hand, she gently rubbed my back for a few minutes. It was heavenly and my eyes filled with tears.

It was a beautiful sunny day and I felt grateful to be outside. On my way to the pharmacy, I stopped at my favorite coffee booth to treat myself after such a tough morning. The man at the counter remembered me. This was the result of many recent doctor appointments, for sure.

He smiled broadly and asked me how my day was going. I smiled back and felt better, even though my face was quite red and blotchy.

Finally, I was in my car and ready to drive home. I was eager to listen to my newest arrangement mix from the night before. While driving, I would make a mental note of adjustments I planned to make.

It was now rush hour with a lot of traffic. I still felt so itchy, but eventually I’d be home where I could curl up and hide.

Many times, I picture a wall that my emotions run into. I feel them, but they cannot penetrate that barrier. And then there are those other times, when the feelings spill over – and they’re unstoppable.

As I listened to my beautiful song, I felt powerfully moved and began to cry. I could feel pressure in my eyes as the tears spilled forth.

It was then at that moment, when I felt my parents right there with me. With every tear that splashed down my cheeks, I could sense their presence.

“See me in every smile . . .”

There were so many smiles during my day that proved this. Their love was all around me!

It was there when that older man smiled and told me he would save my spot in line.

It happened when the nurse chuckled and gently rubbed my back.

I even felt cared about by the man at the coffee booth – when he smiled and asked me how my day was going.

And throughout the day, so many dear friends wrote me concerned messages. My younger son even offered to drive 30 minutes to bring me lunch. I was surrounded by love!

My revelation continued when I heard Jason speaking to me with these lyrics:

“Remember the warmth – your heart next to mine. I’ll still be hugging you in warm sunshine.”

I wrote my book “Beside Me Always” shortly before I rediscovered my music in 2010. Jason died of a congenital heart defect at the age of 5 in 1992. In my book, I wrote a distinct passage that addressed his “heart next to mine.”

“The anticipation of Jason’s surgery weighed heavily upon me. I swallowed my fear as I helped my little boy go to sleep every night. He was small and would lie across my chest. I could feel his heart beating next to mine, and I would marvel at his survival. I tenderly examined each freckle on his lovely face. He was my existence and I treasured our time together. But deep down, I knew it could not last.”

I allowed my tears to flow and my beautiful music filled me up completely. Every word resonated. It was such a spiritual moment.

My trials would continue. The allergic rash was miserable. I had to go back for a root canal and possibly a tooth extraction.

But I was surrounded by love and music was my true medicine.

Link to more about this song: IN EVERY SMILE

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IN EVERY SMILE

Copyright 2017 by Judy Unger

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One day I’ll be gone, but love cannot leave

I’ll be right there beside you, can you believe?

if you’re crying ‘cause you miss me

and feel you’ve lost your way

You know what I’d say . . .

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See me in every smile; it’s okay to cry awhile

But smiling can lift you up

Feel me with love you share; in your heart I’m there

I’m not really gone when my love lives on

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Remember the warmth, your heart next to mine

I’ll still be hugging you in warm sunshine

When storm clouds overtake you

and everything seems gray

You know what I’d say . . .

–

See me in every smile; it’s okay to cry awhile

But laughter can lift you up

Feel me with every touch; I loved you so much

I’m not really gone when my love lives on

–

You might be scared and think you’re alone

Let my light surround you, the love you’ve known

From the moment I first held you until I had to go,

I hope you know

–

See me in every smile; it’s okay to cry awhile

But my love can lift you up

Feel me with love you share; in your heart I’m there

I’m not really gone when my love lives on

When my love lives on

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