A DAUGHTER’S LOVE – PART 4

Posted on July 24, 2010 by Judy

My mom helped me cope with the challenges of my cardiac child, Jason. Her positive energy and love buoyed me.

In December of last year, my mom was on a respirator for two months. During that time, I wrote frequent, email updates regarding my mom’s condition. I received back so much love and support that continued writing to my friends after she recovered. This is what inspired me to begin my blog! My mother’s birthday is approaching. I have written a lot of stories, but very little about the ordeal with my mother. I cannot yet write about the experience, but my email messages can tell part of the story.December 17, 2009

It’s probably the hardest thing to love someone, and bear their illness. I can hardly imagine how it is done over a longer period of time. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to fall apart, and I can’t afford to.

It does help to reach out. Email is definitely helpful for me to stay connected.

I am so exhausted from everything going on. I feel so vulnerable, even sharing with you how hard this has been and the mistakes I’ve made.

I want to go and visit my mom again, but I know I have to conserve my energy. Her disposition has been so sweet, but it is obvious that she is uncomfortable. She keeps trying to mouth and talk to me, but I can’t figure out most of what she is saying. It is very, very hard.

All day long she just looks at the ceiling; she cannot see or hear the TV at all. I am going to try and bring her some headphones and music, but when I’m not there, I don’t know if the nurses will play it for her.

December 18, 2009

I just spoke with mom’s night nurse. My mom was very, very feisty last night. She wants to be done already with all the tubes and all the discomfort!

Mom chewed off her mitten three times. Aside from pulling out the urinary catheter yesterday, she pulled out the NG tube in her nose for a second time. It is a serious problem getting it back in.

Mom almost pulled out the trachea tube also. I feel so helpless. I know when I’ve been visiting her, she’s been all smiles – I can’t bear the thought as this goes on, of seeing her depressed and unhappy.

I asked about the vent settings, and the nurse said they were at the lowest possible setting. I wonder at what point she will be taken off? I sure wish it could be soon.

Today was rough. My mom’s teeth were clenched in a grimace, and her eyes had a far-away look. I am really trying to prepare myself.

December 19, 2009

Thanks for your warm message. I know how it is with “the hole.” I still miss my five-year-old son that died 17 years ago. I am going through such a rough time with my mom right now. It’s hard to be positive. She’s 84, and has a long climb just to get off a ventilator and eat again.

The last two days she has not been comfortable, and her progress has slowed.

The doctors have no answers as to when my mom will be able to get off the ventilator. This morning when she was weaned, she lasted until about noon. I visited her, and she was visibly exhausted. She nodded to indicate she could hear me, but would not open her eyes.

In the evening, I went back a second time to visit with my father. My mom was in terrible pain, she can’t moan – but she was grimacing and pointing to her stomach (which is hugely bloated for some reason).

I ended up going to the charge nurse, the doctor was paged, and my mom was able to get some morphine. I didn’t leave until I saw her brows relax. My dad tried to rush me to leave and he told me not to bother the nurses. That made me crazy! My dad has become difficult, and is very critical and irritable with me. He is having a lot of trouble coping.

I have let her know how her friends and family are all thinking and praying for her.

December 20, 2009

My mom was very uncomfortable this morning; I think her back has been hurting her. She was literally sliding off her bed all morning. Because of this, her blood pressure was up. It was disappointing to hear that she was not well enough to be weaned at all from the ventilator today.

Although she wasn’t able to make breathing progress today, I was there when a physical therapist came to work with her. My mom still has a lot of motivation and will to get better. Gritting her teeth, and bearing the pain – she was raised to sitting position, lifted to stand, and then placed in a chair. She was able to sit for about ten minutes, and smiled through her pain

She’s still not getting any “formula” (food), until her stomach issue is resolved. A gastro doctor ordered some medication for her, to see if it improves her stomach situation. Some new antibiotics were ordered today also.

I’m going back to the hospital to bring my dad tonight.

December 21, 2009

I took dad with me to see mom, tonight. It was a tough visit. She had been given morphine; she didn’t open her eyes. However, she was visibly in pain still – just unable to move much. I untied her hand, and she showed me that her back was hurting, and also the back of her head. I think the trach was too tight.

I asked the nurse if a cold pack could be put on her back. The nurse was not helpful, and was too busy to talk to me. I went to the supervisor, and I was told the doctor would have to be called in order to have anything cold put on her. I told them to make the call!

Finally, mom looked slightly more comfortable when I left – she was enjoying listening to the music.

I am glad I helped her tonight – I can only imagine what goes on when I’m not there. The day nurse mentioned my mom’s agitation is sometimes about her not realizing where she is and having a panic attack. I hope the morphine isn’t messing with her mind.

I wish it weren’t so up and down.

This was taken ten years ago, on my 40th birthday. I am much happier today, than I was when this picture was taken.

December 22, 2009

It was a very, very difficult morning. I held her hand, and she was shaking.  It was and still is hard for me not to cry.  The pulmonologist came by, and he wasn’t happy with her heart rate – a lot of irregularity going on. I was scared. My mom was shaking a bit, still aware, but obviously discouraged and in pain – she kept touching her chest; I could feel her heart beating strangely. I was able to talk to her for a couple of hours, and when I left she gave me a slight smile.

Perhaps she is weak from not having nutrition through the tube for three days. Supposedly, the stomach doctor will check her again today – she is getting some stomach meds. Maybe her electrolytes are off, and that is what is affecting her heart.

She knows exactly what is happening, and can hear me speak to her. I get very sad and frustrated that she can’t talk to me; often she tries, and I don’t know what she’s trying to tell me.

I remember seeing the movie, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.” I just always let her know that she’ll be able to talk soon, once she’s strong enough to breathe on her on. Part of me thinks that she is losing this battle, and it may be soon.

The nurse told me that some patients never get of the ventilator. They go back to the nursing home on a vent and with the feeding tube. They can never go anywhere. I hate to think of that scenario for my mom!

December 23, 2009

This morning was a mixed bag. To be honest, it didn’t feel too great when I saw mom this morning. She was totally drugged; unable to talk or open her eyes. I was very upset, because yesterday she was smiling and aware.

I sought out the nurse, and charge nurse. They told me it was necessary to give mom morphine because she was writhing in the bed and “very uncomfortable.”

So during my two-hour visit, my mom was expressionless and miserable and unable to open her eyes. I think her back was really bothering her. Her stomach was bloated, but the feeding is continuing. So far, she seems to be tolerating it, as far as they are concerned.

December 25, 2009

I’m very exhausted – it’s about 1:30. I’m not sure if I’ll go back later in the afternoon or evening. I know my mom really needs me there.

I was there all morning – my friend, Janis, visited with me most of the time. It is remarkably sad, but in the room across from us – the woman is dying very slowly. Janis is a friend of the woman’s daughter, so she actually could visit both of us at the same time! Each day I am hoping it will be over for the other daughter, but it’s been continuing. I am so lucky that my mom is aware of my presence.

She is still on the partial ventilator setting, which is good. Janis was there, and my mom did try to muster a smile. She got her hair shampooed, some ice was put on her back, but even that didn’t help much. She cannot get comfortable, and is gagging a lot.

I left her with music on, but noticed a bedsore on her ankle that was bleeding. That was the first time I had ever seen one. It was hard to even find her nurse, because during holidays the staff is minimal. Her gastro doctor came, and I signed the consent forms for the gastric tube procedure, which will be scheduled sometime on Monday or Tuesday.

Being in the hospital so much is like a different world; I’ve been there before, and I wish I could escape.

My mother, my best friend.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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BORDERING ON BREAKING OUT

Posted on July 22, 2010 by Judy

I wore jeans to my performance on Friday, 7/23. It was much easier than playing guitar in a dress like I did last week!

“Saturday morning”

Last night was my second “hourly” performance at Border’s in Simi Valley.

As the day wore on, I could feel the aura of nervousness creeping through me. I practiced all day. Each time I forgot a chord I imagined how that would sound in front of a crowd of people! When would I have an hour’s worth of music memorized without any mistakes?

I rarely forget chords to my own songs, however, now I am playing “cover” songs that I have not played in thirty years. If I did, I played them too high and now I had to transpose them into lower keys!

My nervousness also reflected that I needed a lesson as to how to set up the equipment. My husband and I left plenty of time to get there so he could show me. He was patient, and I was pleased to see him involved in my musical journey. After months of my playing guitar in the bathroom thinking he wasn’t listening, yesterday I heard him say, “You’d better play more cover songs! People like to hear familiar music.”

I did mic checks and adjusted the amplifier. Now it was time for me to play. There was no announcement over the loudspeaker – the manager was on a break. I announced myself. I looked around. There were lots of people, but everyone was either reading, or on a laptop. How interesting! No one was looking at me.

This was different than playing an “open mic,” where everyone’s eyes are on you. I could play as if I were in my bathroom!

So I played and played.

On one of my lower songs, I croaked – I forgot that after singing a lot, my lower register disappears if I’m not careful. I took a drink of water after that. My back started to hurt and it was hard work! My own music was unknown to this crowd. I remembered my husband’s advice to play more of the familiar songs, however, my heart was not in the “cover songs” at all.

However, to be a good singer I knew that every word I sang counted. Halfway into the show, some friends of mine appeared. Seeing them invigorated me, and really helped get my singing back on track.

I began to play my original songs again, which I enjoyed infinitely better. I ended my performance with one of my favorite songs, You Are My Wings.

Afterwards, I visited with my friends. Linda and Bernie had brought their daughter, who was also an aspiring singer. I told Linda to check out what I’d recently written, because her picture was there, too.

“Do you think this audience liked my music?” I asked her.

Linda smiled and said, “Oh, it went over really well. You’re on your way. I just know your songs will be out there and you will be famous.”

I chuckled. I love my friends!

Message to a friend who asked how my first show last Friday, 7/16 went:

It was fantastic!

It was exactly where my journey has led me, and what I feel like I’m supposed to be doing.

I need practice, practice, and more practice, though. This is a perfect venue to get it. No stage, no pressure, no hurry. There are lot’s of people. Some are reading or in the store. However, there are lots of places for them to sit and watch. My show can be promoted on their website, and my plan is to build a “following” by doing a weekly show.

I was able to play as relaxed as I do in my bathroom. Sure, I made a few mistakes – but I even allowed myself to try out new songs. I sang about 15 songs and five were 70′s standards.

Okay, the other good stuff: Four friends came and Norm and Jo showed up to surprise me. My loving friends and family made all the difference. I think if I were only playing for strangers, it wouldn’t have been the same. I’d better get used to that, because friends aren’t always going to be there.

One hour was exhilarating and exhausting. I know it will be a piece a cake after I do it more and more.

Once again friendship propels me. I have moved so far from where I began in February. When I get a message on my answering machine like this one, I want to cry.

Click the blue link to play audio:

7/16/10 SUSAN’S MESSAGE ON MY ANSWERING MACHINE

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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WHAT YOU’VE MEANT TO ME – PART 1

Posted on July 21, 2010 by Judy

Clicking the blue links below will play audio:

MEANT TO ME #2-6/5/15 Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

MEANT TO ME INSTRUMENTAL #1 Copyright 2014 by Unger

Song Garden

#1 LESSON WITH PEACHES – 7-20

#2 LESSON WITH PEACHES – 7-20

#3 LESSON WITH PEACHES – 7-20

My post below is prefaced with some audio clips from my voice lesson yesterday with Peaches. I realize I have become more and more focused now on finishing the endeavor I have started, which is recording all of my original songs. My musical passion has taken up all of my energy, and writing for two blogs has become challenging.

I realize also that my audio clips probably sum up exactly where I am. Be aware, that these clips are approximately 8 minutes each. I think I probably should spend more time singing with Peaches and less time talking! However, I’ve been eliminating the “shoulds” in my life, one by one. Talking with Peaches is great fun, and I actually had to cut out at least ten minutes of raucous laughter. Sometimes we’re both lying on the floor in hysterics!

–

WHAT YOU’VE MEANT TO ME

Copyright 2010 by Judy Unger

You live within my love songs, and the music from my heart

I always sang love to you, right from the very start

Right from the very start

I’ve written a song to tell you I love you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

How special you were in my life, in my music

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

So, I wrote you this song to tell you I need you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

That I loved you more than I ever told you

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me


I care for you so tenderly, but you know I am unsure

And afraid to comprehend; any love that might endure

Any love that might endure


I’ve written a song to tell you I love you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

How special you were in my life, in my music

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

So, I wrote you this song to tell you I need you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

That I loved you more than I ever told you

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

What you’ve meant to me, what you’ve meant to me

What you’ve meant to, to me

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

After sharing so much about pain and friendship, I will move on to love. I have finally recorded one of the three songs that I wrote for my husband.

Before I ever had children, I certainly matured regarding the differences between love and infatuation. It seems like a lifetime ago where it was just my husband and I, without pets. My children would certainly squirm if they read this, however, they don’t read my blog!

Once again, when I look at my diary I laugh at my shallowness of how I viewed romantic love. I have been married close to thirty years, and it is fascinating for me to think of how I came to make such a huge decision to get married. My diary entries were focused on how exciting it was, without any thought to the implications. It was interesting for me to read how I shared the excitement of my engagement first with Cheryl, and later on my parents!

I was definitely very young and immature.

Prior to my engagement, Michael and I went on hiking and motorcycle adventures. My parents would have been horrified had they known that I was on the back of his motorcycle. It was a huge secret that they are still not aware of. Michael used to park far down the block, and I would hide my head on his shoulder with the terror that someone might tell my parents!

Michael and I hiked a lot on our “motorcycle adventures.”

The three songs that I wrote for him were:

What You’ve Meant to Me

Saying Goodbye

Song of Joy

When I play those old love songs I can get very nostalgic.

“What You’ve Meant to Me,” reflected my uncertainty. I was young, fickle, and not ready to be serious with Michael. Not long after I wrote that song, I broke up with him.

After that, I wrote “Saying Goodbye.” I missed him, and channeled my emotion into that song. After being separated for six months, we reunited.

“Song of Joy,” was written for our wedding. It was the last song that I wrote. My wedding song was very complex musically and extremely personal. I don’t feel I could record it the way I wrote it for my wedding. Michael’s name is in the song, so it’s a little embarrassing for me to perform it.

I am planning to rewrite the lyrics of “Song of Joy” to create a more generic wedding song with commercial potential.

As I record my songs over the next few weeks, I will post them to the music page of my blog as well as specific posts to their content.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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HOW I DID CARE

Posted on July 18, 2010 by Judy

The epitome of friendship – Janet, Linda, and Cheryl.

When I sing my songs, I don’t necessarily have the same feelings that prompted me to write them. I think my “themes” are fairly universal. “Beside Me Always” started out as a break-up song. I associate it more with Jason and his presence now.

I am not sure if my readers are as fascinated by the saga of my songwriting as I am. Up until now, I have shared some brief stories about what inspired some of my songs.

Reading my diary to learn about my songwriting has been very insightful for me. Although I’ve felt younger lately, I’ve realized that I am quite a different person than when I wrote those songs. I think I’ve confused joy and “lightness” with youth. That’s fine perhaps. However, it was delving into what prompted me to write songs that brought me to that realization.

I was a sensitive soul and I still am. I spent a lot of my youth chasing friendship and suffering because of it. I have the insight that it wasn’t until I experienced Jason’s death that I learned how unimportant all that was. The pain of loss and bereavement set my course for many years after that. Maturity finally came to me, when I learned what true pain was.

I know my “friendship issues” were painful at the time. However, I was amazed at how much energy I expended. I have no embarrassment because I am not that way anymore.

I loved my friend, Cheryl. She inspired me to write at least five or six songs. I miss her very much, as does her family and other friends. I feel a lot of sadness that she is not alive to share my musical journey with me. Although I reconnected with her (Post #93 I’ll Never Find Another You), we never discussed our rift.

If she were alive now, I think I would have wanted to. There was so much that we both could have learned from it.

Since her family and friends might read what I’ve written, I must make something very clear. Cheryl and I were both human, and she did nothing wrong. My disappointment was about my own insecurities, and not about her failures.

I am sharing these diary pages to illustrate that perhaps friendship is where we learn our first lessons about hurt and disappointment. I still am a sensitive person, however, I finally did find my best friend. It wasn’t my husband.

It was myself.

I haven’t read music in thirty years, and I’m amazed at what I did transcribe. I don’t think it’s 100% correct, though.

Since I am avidly pursuing my music I have decided to take things to another level by sharing my diary and audio from Marge’s tape.

I entitled this post, “How I Did Care.” The following attachments tell the story of my song, “How I Don’t Care.”

And by the way, I still record many songs in my bathroom!

Click the blue links to play audio:

1980 CASSETTE AUDIO DISCUSSING MY SONG “HOW WE DON’T CARE”

HOW WE DON’T CARE-6/12/12 Copyright 2010 by Judy Unger

I wish I had a written copy of the speech I gave about songwriting and how I came to write my song “How We Don’t Care.” Maybe I will find it someday.

One of the last pictures I have with Cheryl before a long period where we didn’t speak. This picture was taken at Cheryl’s bridal shower in my backyard

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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