A month ago, I recorded one of my favorite songs “Angel in the Sky.” My 5-year-old son, Jason, died in 1992 and today was the anniversary of his death. I decided to honor him by sharing my song on social media. It was overwhelming to receive so many caring and sympathetic comments. I appreciated the kindness and replied to every single person.
But something didn’t feel right. I hadn’t wanted to be pitied. People were genuinely sorry for my pain and wanted to console me. The problem was that I was not suffering.
The grief that burdened me for so long had lifted years ago. In fact, the message I most often want to convey is that healing from horrific grief is possible. I never believed it when I was suffering, but it happened.
When I shared my song, I was joyful at the beauty of my creation. I also wanted to express deep love for my son.
The fact that I mentioned tears while recording “Angel in the Sky,” certainly implied grief. So my audience had every reason to imagine I was still sad.
I mentioned those tears because I treasured them.
It was amazing to see this in an alleyway. Plus, it was the perfect message for me!
When I began this blog in 2010, I considered it the beginning of my healing.
I was giddy and joyful, as I opened up my heart that had been closed for decades. Initially, I did not address my grief. But six months later, I was finally able to write the hardest story, when I described how it felt to lose my 5-year-old son, Jason.
Not long after writing that story, I fully embraced playing my guitar again.
My life encompasses my passion, and I have been recording all 52 of my songs. I have done this before. I began to sing and play guitar again after a long break of 30 years. In the beginning, I hired other musicians and worked in their studios
You can hear many other versions of “Angel in the Sky” with the medley below:
Nine years ago, I began recording my songs at home. For two years, I recorded my songs freestyle with a digital recorder, and then spent two more years recording two tracks of high and low guitar to go with my vocals.
But three years ago, I started recording all my songs again in a new way. Each song took me almost a month. I had four different guitar parts now, and taught myself how to play lead melodies on my old nylon guitar. It was a fantastic process, and with each song I discovered more and more magical moments.
Once the guitar arrangement was finished, I worked remotely with a talented pianist. He would record a dozen instrument tracks for me to edit. I loved the process of creating a fuller arrangement for each song.
After hours of guitar recording, I have grooves in my fingers that almost seem permanent!
I am finally coming to the end of my long list. I’m not sure exactly what my next project will be when I am finished. I do plan to go back to some of the earlier recordings and add some new guitar elements (such as faster strumming) that worked really well on more recent songs.
Last month, it came time to record one of my favorite songs “Angel in the Sky.” I took extra special care with the guitar parts. I composed new chords for the introduction. I even recorded additional nylon guitar, because my first attempts weren’t touching enough for me. In between recording and editing guitar, I sang many vocal takes.
One afternoon, I set up my mic and began singing vocals. I concentrated on my lyrics and allowed my heart to open up.
With my eyes closed, I pictured long ago memories of Jason. Suddenly, the line I was singing completely fell apart. My voice disappeared and tears slid down my cheeks.
I stopped and allowed the emotion to settle. I continued on to finish that vocal take. And then, I began another one.
But at exactly the same spot, it happened again. My voice cracked on the word “die.” The entire line went “my love just didn’t die.”
It had been so many years since I had cried about Jason! This was so unexpected!
I still swim in the same pool where Jason once swam.
Grief had been my companion for so long and those tears were familiar. I was sad for the young woman I once was, who lost her innocence and was tormented for at least 18 years.
I realized that my tears erupted because I was speaking to Jason. It was a very emphatic line that carried indescribable feelings.
Just because he had died – my love hadn’t died!
My insight was that my tears were not about sadness – they were about love. When I finished singing my vocal, I was peaceful once again and grateful for the beautiful music I was creating.
“Gone for years and I still cry,” were such honest lyrics. There I was crying after 33 years. And as the years march on, I may still occasionally cry remembering Jason.
But every day, I am thankful I have healed from my grief.
I will continue to share my heart and my music. And Jason will always be my “lovely light, just not in sight.”
myjourneysinsight 
Judy, what a beautiful post. I can’t think of much to say except I treasure being your friend–even if we’ve never met! You shed a great light on the grieving process. What a journey you’ve taken. Thank you for sharing it with us in all the ways you do share…your blog, your music, even your art.
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Oh Belinda, I am very touched by what you wrote! It truly is amazing that as fellow bloggers we feel such kinship and connection! I am so thankful I could share my insights on this journey I’ve taken, and blessed that I can do that through writing, music and art. Your appreciation has simply made my day – so I thank you!
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Sending you all of the energetic love on this anniversary. Your singing is beautiful, as always, and the lessons you’ve learned along the way are universal, especially the one about crying/tears.
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Thank you so much, Katherin. I don’t post very often anymore, but I always look forward to hearing your words when I do. It was actually a very peaceful anniversary. And it felt good to write for my blog again!
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I love you and our friendship and all that your son and my son have done to bring our lives together.. they have given us a special gift. lol you just text me right when I’m writing this lol.. hugs galore!!!
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I love our friendship and the image of our sons watching over us both. It has been such a joy connecting with you, Kerri. You are such a gifted writer and amazing woman! ❤️❤️❤️
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Awe your sweet dear friend and I love it all too.
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Thanks for sharing this, Judy! Not just your beautiful music, but also the fact that you suffered from a tremendous loss and still managed to heal and more forward. I have a good friend who lost her daughter a year ago yesterday, and she is still in the stage where the grief is just overwhelming. Knowing that it won’t always hurt this bad is a help to all those who are dealing with sorrow! As you say, love lives on…..
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Thank you for your beautiful comment, Ann. Your friend’s grief is so raw and I am very sad for her. I remember the beginning of grief so well, which only makes me appreciate how fortunate I am to have found healing.
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Hi Judy. I’ve just found my way here after reading a comment of yours on Lorrie’s post. And what a beautiful, poignant, heartfelt post this is. My heart feels so full after reading of the love for your beautiful son Jason and the journey of your healing. Music is such a powerful form of expression, of art and healing and your voice, lyrics and acoustic guitar playing is really beautiful. How special that you’ve once again embraced your passion. He would be so proud. Sending love and all good wishes to you from Australia. ❤️
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Miriam, thank you so much for your beautiful comment. I am teary reading your words – it means so much to me that you mentioned Jason the way you did. You’ve really touched my heart more than you can imagine.
I am on the free app Insight Timer – if you ever would like to hear me playing live, I do that weekly on the app. I also have a dear friend on Insight Timer who is such a talented pianist. She also lives in Australia and rediscovered music again after many years. Her name is Blossom Piano.
Please know you made my day and I am sending you my love from Los Angeles to Australia!
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Goosebumps! Happy to know my comment touched you Judy as it really was from my heart. As a fellow musician, singer and guitarist (though I’m VERY rusty) I can really appreciate your journey. Thanks for letting me know about Timer. I’ll have to look into it. Much love. xx
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Aw, thank you again, Miriam. For links to Insight Timer and my live performance schedule, they are right there on my blog page widgets!
Best of luck to you, my new friend!
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