For lyrics and other recordings of my song: MISUNDERSTOOD
Since I left my marriage six years ago, my focus has been my children first, and then my music. That has continued.
Music makes my world magical. It lifts me over my stress and worries. It opens up my heart. Feelings buried in the depths of my mind erupt when I hear gorgeous melodies.
For almost a year now, I haven’t felt as connected to my blog. I’ve continued to wait for inspiration to write something profound and touching. Sharing my heart has helped me in the past but I cannot share my heart completely now because so much of what I go through involves other people and their lives.
So I have been quietly writing about other things.
I’m currently creating a workshop for the app Insight Timer on the topic of grief, music and healing. There are ten lessons and for each one I discuss the lyrics to one of my grief-related songs.
I have created three new meditation songs so far this year, and am currently working on my fourth one. I continue to record guitar and vocals for my “deck” of 52 acoustic songs. Currently, I am on number 32.
A few weeks ago I began recording my song “Misunderstood.”
Every acoustic song of mine has two or more tracks of guitar parts. For “Misunderstood” I decided to add some strumming, which is very new. I like trying new things!
My current arranger, Robert, played a lovely piano addition to my guitar tracks. It is quite beautiful and hearing my song this way is very uplifting. The process of creating piano is something I’m very much a part of because I edit and chose the notes from many different takes. I enjoy doing that a lot. I’m planning to create a medley of my latest guitar and piano songs to put on Insight Timer in the near future.
The lyrics to my songs speak to me. I have found great wisdom through my own lyrics. Even though I wrote them, I often discover subtle new meanings that I never intended. It’s fascinating when that happens.
It was no coincidence that I chose to record “Misunderstood.” I was feeling very emotional because my child had disclosed something to me that was terribly upsetting. I cannot write about it, but for several weeks I found myself crying and attempting to hold myself together.
Worry and fear are very contracted energies. In an attempt to dispel my anguish I spun different ways to look at the situation. My biggest method of coping has been love. I love my child deeply and I also try to extend a lot of love and compassion to myself.
I was recording vocals for “Misunderstood” last week and Robert stopped me. He felt my emotional vibe for the song wasn’t working well, but he wasn’t sure why. This song was so different from my other songs. Regret was such a hopeless emotion.
I wondered if perhaps I sounded too angry or forlorn. I took a deep breath and remembered how important self-compassion was for healing and coping. I thought of my parents and how much I missed them. I wondered what they would have thought about the upsetting information my child shared with me.
I began singing again and then the revelation shook me. I wasn’t singing this song to my child. It was a song to me.
“The walls you’ve build protect you now, I want to tear them down somehow”
I remembered four years earlier when I composed “Misunderstood” that I related to that line in an interesting way. I was very heavy and needed to lose a lot of weight. Overeating was a wall of protection. It was a way to numb my feelings and distract myself from the truth.
Now three years later, I felt stressed and had started gaining weight again. I maintained most of my weight loss overall, but I hated this recent feeling of heaviness.
With a more gentle mindset, I adjusted my headphones and closed my eyes. I felt the emotion and vulnerability pour from me as I sang.
“You won’t forgive me for that argument. Those words you heard – I never meant.”
“Misunderstood, left with regret. Painful words you can’t forget”
As I sang my song to myself, I realized I hadn’t forgiven myself for those painful words spoken to my child 4 years earlier. I was the one with the inability to let go.
There was no misunderstanding now.