IT FEELS SO DARK; THE SKY IS GRAY – PART 1

I’m amazed that it was so easy to recreate what it looked like seeing through my eye as it was operated on during cataract surgery. I was wide awake with my eyelid clamped open.

I always liked to use lines of my own lyrics for post titles. Usually, I took them from songs that were playing in my life at that time. It was often fun for me to try to find just the right words to choose.

 

For this particular post, it was interesting for me to decide upon a title. One choice I started with was, “I’ll search the shrouded darkness.” That line was from my song “Beside Me Always” and somewhat described how I felt with my current vision. But honestly, shrouded daylight would have been more accurate.

 

I searched for some other choices. One was, “I’m hanging in there.” That line was from “Saying Goodbye.“ I wrote that song when I was 18 after I had broken up with my future husband – so it was a good choice. Because I instigated our divorce, many of my feelings were similar to when I wrote that song. “Hanging in there” was also one way that I have certainly managed to cope, and was fitting for my present situation.

 

Of course, with “hanging in there,” I was reminded of my song “Hang On.” That led me to the best lyric line of: “It feels so dark; the sky is gray.” My title also had additional meaning for me, because yesterday when I went for my post op appointment with an eye surgeon – it was pouring rain.

 

I was reaching the end of my tunnel, but I was slightly discouraged. I had good vision, even if it was dark and pulsating with lots of shadows. I wished I hadn’t had a cortical chip as a complication, but I hoped it would go away.

 

Because I had time on my hands (I was supposed to take it easy), I had the opportunity to update my blog. I decided to be creative and present a few images of the world as seen through my eyes.

This photo is looking at the window of my big house that I am leaving. My left eye is in focus, but everything is dark. I feel a pulsating sensation and see something dark in the corner. There are tons of floaters. It will pass soon (I hope).

Email messages following my eye surgery this past week:

 

October 10, 2012

 

Hi dear friends and family,

 

I had my other cataract surgery today and I’m not feeling so great. I’m queasy, dizzy and weak; I think it’s a migraine.

 

I opted to go through the surgery with zero medication other than numbing the eye. It was far more uncomfortable than I anticipated. I learned my lesson.

 

I’ll write again tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll be feeling better by then.

 

Love, Judy

 

October 11, 2012

 

I just wanted to update you on my eye. I went for my post-op appointment today. I feel a teeny bit better, but not nearly as well as I did after my first cataract surgery. I am still feeling very weak. Not sure why.

 

The good news is that I was able to see the eye chart really well with my operated eye – and I was pronounced as having 20/20. I was amazed because everything looks brown from that eye and there is a large blurry area that moves around.

 

The bad news is that the doctor told me that in one in 200 cases there is a complication called a “cortical chip,” which is a tiny piece of cataract material that was left behind. He said that he only has 7 cases of it a year and only once did he go back in to surgically fix the problem. Hopefully, the chip will be reabsorbed into my eye.

 

I have been used to not seeing from that eye, so I’m trying to celebrate the vision. I hope my weakness will subside soon. Just typing this message has me needing to go rest now.

 

Love, Judy

Yesterday, my oldest son insisted that he take a picture of my eyes. He said, “Mom, it is so weird – you have to see how your eyes look so different. Your pupils are of different sizes!”

Message from a dear friend:

 

My dear Judy, I am giving you a huge hug, because this must be very difficult. I love you.

 

Frankie

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said – about whether I trusted this doctor.

 

I still do. When I came for my surgery, he was in scrubs and took me by the hand across the hall to his office. He said, “I woke up in the middle of the night and had the idea of taking one more measurement of your eye before the surgery.”

 

I told him that I was honored that he had thought of me, his patient, in the middle of the night.

 

I’m going to try to stay positive. I feel your hug!

 

Love, Judy

 

I’m glad you told this as I, too, was wondering about your doctor. I now feel better about him.

Love, Marilyn

 

I heard of this happening to someone before and it was absorbed…. POSITIVE THOUGHTS….

 

Thanks, Janis. I usually think more positive and reminders are always good!!! 

Love, Judy

 

Well you’re entitled to not think positive for once! I hope you feel better soon…. 

Love, Janis

This is where I compose my songs and practice my guitar – in my bathroom. I created an artistic version of my photo. In my new apartment, I will be playing my guitar next to my bed.

“It feels so dark”

 

I had covered such a distance, but reaching the end of my tunnel didn’t seem real. The preparation/packing I had done wasn’t as difficult as I had anticipated. Leaving my large house behind did not hold any sadness for me. Lately, most things didn’t cause me any emotion. I realized that I had not shed a single tear over the end of my marriage.

 

As I neared the end of my tunnel, I lightened my load by beginning to watch what I ate. I felt hungry again, and that gave me a lighter feeling; I was relieved to have some semblance of control.

 

The beautiful light at the end was visible and washed over me. It would only be another week or two and I would be exploring a world filled with different scenery and circumstances. I stopped to rest and gather strength for my last hurdle. Soon, I would see my new world with new eyes after my cataract surgery.

 

I thought I could simply leap over my last hurdle, but instead I found myself flat on the ground.

 

The light at the end of the tunnel began to blind me now. It hurt so much to look at it, physically and emotionally. I cried and cried because I could not move at all – not even crawl.

 

The music stopped.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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One Response to IT FEELS SO DARK; THE SKY IS GRAY – PART 1

  1. Joni Lautman says:

    Dear Judy, Prayers are sent your way!! I hope you’re recovering well. I miss you, are you taking visitors? Love, Joni

    Like

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