THE FUTURE WAS SCARY

I can clearly remember how it felt to be this age.

8/24/10 MY LESSON WITH PEACHES

8/24/10 PEACHES LESSON – SAYING GOODBYE 1

8/24/10 PEACHES LESSON – SAYING GOODBYE 2

This Saturday is Peaches’ 50th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PEACHES! I am definitely planning to do something for her!

Excerpt of a message to a friend today:

My blog is still up and growing – and I’ve kind of changed direction from pursuing being a writer.

Well, I am doing simply great. My therapy from writing has transferred over into my rediscovery of guitar and my love of music, especially my songwriting that I did before I got married. I started out in March with voice lessons at a public park (with the same voice teacher my youngest son had). From there, I began going to a recording studio/arranger and have been getting a lot of pleasure recording my songs. I decided to really help myself improve by performing. I now have two weekly “gigs” and I play for Borders Bookstores; I also do an open mic thing on the Internet once a week!

So instead of being an illustrator, I’m working on revising my songs, and playing my guitar. I share a lot of this on my blog, including portions of my voice lessons. It has been a lot of fun for me. I have no idea where it is going. I am inspired, however, that I’ve received beautiful feedback from people sharing that my music has moved them.

What more could I possibly want?

On top of this, I am also enjoying my other blog – the one all about my illustration career. I update this blog about once a week. I scan files from many of my old jobs and categorize them. It has been a lot of fun, and perhaps it might end up being my book after all.

“My exciting life”

Yesterday, I was driving with my two sons home. While making a left turn, I pulled up next to this huge, pickup truck with enormous tires. I looked up and noticed that the two men in the front seat were grinning and leering at me. I smiled to my sons and said, “Wow, I’m fifty and I’m not used to seeing men look at me that way. Did I do something?” I was very embarrassed a moment later.

Because, just as I was saying that, one of the men leaned way out of his window – there was a noise and I jumped. My oldest son said, “Mom, that man just spit on our car window. Sure enough, the window was wet and my stomach started churning.

My life is getting way too exciting for me!

Here was a comment by one of the players in my tennis game today:

“Judy, is working on writing a song over there in the shade while we’re all talking!”

She was right!

A picture to remind me of a wonderful family vacation. The future wasn't scary when my parents took care of me.

A picture to remind me of a wonderful family vacation. The future wasn’t scary when my parents took care of me.

In my song, Only Tears I mention the words, “uncertain careers” and “the future was scary.” Well, my career is still uncertain!

I’m not sure how I’d even describe what I’m doing now. I could say, “I’m currently not working and only playing.”

That is accurate, because I spend long hours devoted to my fun and passionate endeavors without any kind of income.

At times, I do have financial concerns; however the guilt I formerly had about whether I am a productive person without an income seems to be gone. I feel like I am far more valuable now than I ever did when I made money.

When I was young, the future did seem scary. I wonder if I’ve faced some of those things that I thought were so scary. Cancer certainly seems scary, and I haven’t had to deal with that. However, I’ve faced many things that weren’t easy.

I’ve decided the future is simply unknown, and will be revealed to me. That whole process isn’t scary anymore; it is what makes my life meaningful.

I have too much energy for my present life, and none to waste about what might happen in the future.

Right now, my heart is light. But the “seasonal march” began today for me.

Summer has finally hit with unbearable heat. My thoughts began to linger about how long it will be until the weather starts to cool down.

Thus began the imperceptible march toward my next “anniversary of the heart,” which is in early October. That is the date of Jason’s death. It will be 18 years since he died at the age of five on October 6, 1992.

With bereavement that has forever changed me, always comes the memory of loss. The exquisite pain is always remembered, but with less intense heartache. I am human, and my joy is tempered by my appreciation for how fortunate I am despite losses in my life. To be human is to experience loss.

This morning, I was checking my phone messages and received an urgent one from my mom. She said she was ill with a persistent cough, and that she was up all night choking. I immediately called the nursing station at her facility and I explained that my mom is susceptible to infections, and that she was intubated due to respiratory failure. The response to my phone call was that she would be closely monitored at night and a doctor would see her tomorrow.

I am still an advocate when needed.

I have not yet finished writing about the experience of my mom being on a respirator earlier this year. That was the catalyst for the amazing changes in my life. The urge to write again has come; I must revisit that story soon.

I used to say, “I can never relax! Something bad will happen!”

Now I say, “I appreciate my joy, and will cope with whatever challenges come my way.”

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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