I’VE BURIED MY SADNESS

I’m no phony!

It has been a busy week. In my dreams I have a secretary. I am only one person. I am passionately energetic about all the pursuits I have at this moment. I am making up for lost time!

I’ve been very involved in creating another blog. My new art blog is up and running!

It is at:

http://foodartist.wordpress.com/

I have been working on creating a songwriting blog. Unfortunately, I don’t have any recordings I want to share yet!

I have some video that was shot at one of my voice lessons. I don’t know how to work with video yet. But I’m excited to learn. Unfortunately, I can see how the video camera isn’t very flattering for me. However, ask me if I care – I don’t!

As far as recording my voice goes, I’m just not there yet. I haven’t sung for thirty years and the voice lessons are definitely helping me. But I’m just not confident enough yet to put my singing voice out there.

I’m so open these days.

I am human and I am a real person.

I like sharing that part on my blog.

I’ve agonized about what I’ve shared on my blog, musically. Sometimes, I want to remove my 30-year-old audio recordings. But those recordings are definitely part of my story!

However, when I’m ready I plan to record all of my songs.

Maybe someone else will sing some of them. I don’t know. However, I love my music and I’m having a “fairytale life” these days.

“My optimism”

I want to stress my optimism regarding my circumstances.

I write about grief and I write about the continuing challenges I face as a caregiver to both my parents and my teenage children.

I may still be a caregiver. However, now I’m taking care of myself, too!

I hired a part-time, private caregiver to spend some time with my mother at her nursing facility. She will begin working with my mom next week. I think that will significantly improve life for my mother and for myself, as well.

It just occurred to me that when I wrote about bereavement, I wrote, “There was no color in the world – only shades of gray.”

I realized that at this point in my life, I have been appreciating color once again!

I dislike those “floaters” in my vision, and I hate the fact that I have to keep asking people to repeat things when I don’t hear them. Getting older has significant drawbacks.

But I am enjoying my life! I used to think my best times were behind me. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am able to express through my writing and music all of my feelings, even painful ones. At the same time, I am joyful because my life is wonderful again.

The reason I want to express this is because I am aware that other people who are reading my blog might be facing some of the challenges I have faced.

I truly went through all of the stages of grief. I have been very angry, and I have been very sad. I have been very detached, and I have felt very discouraged.

My clarity now is that part of the reason that I am writing is to share my optimism and hope. That purpose has come to me in “glimmers,” and it is now going to fuel me.

Sharing hope with other people feels great!

Yesterday, I realized that I have no desire to do anything other than what I am currently doing. I want to write for my own therapy. I’m not looking to make any money, because I have a sense that everything will work out for me in time. I have been published before, and I know what kind of fortitude and persistence is required to be successful.

I am enjoying my life. I feel I deserve this opportunity to pursue whatever I want. Or even – not pursue anything at all!

I am writing this morning before going to a funeral. My youngest son and I are going to stop and see Jason’s grave for a little while. I don’t remember when I went there last, and my youngest son has never gone there with me.

My older children went with me a long time ago.

I have thought about how I made a “eulogy tape” the day before my son’s funeral. I have not heard it since that day. I did see a handwritten version in Jason’s memory box. It was very similar to my story written from memory about his life and death.

Music must have played a part in my life years ago, even when I hardly ever played my guitar. I found a tape that I played at the gravestone unveiling one year after my son was buried.

At that time, I rewrote the lyrics to several of my original songs.

Even though death is not unexpected for someone who has lived a full life, there can still be sadness. The funeral today is for the husband of a beloved, religious schoolteacher and friend named Sonia. Sonia has been very close to my younger son. However, she was very much a part of my older children’s lives, as well.

It was difficult for me to “reach out” last night and call Sonia. I started to make excuses. I thought family members (from out of town) might be with her and her time with them was precious indeed. I thought she might be tired. I called anyway.

She softly answered the phone and sounded happy to hear from me. I told her how I understood that tomorrow would be a very sad day in her life. However, she has had so much loss in her life after living through the Holocaust.

She said, “I’m scared.” She was so honest.

With me, she could express those things. She expressed the confusion of no longer being a caregiver. When you worry about every little detail of your loved one’s existence – how can you possibly stop in an instant?

She told me, “I hear him calling me from the other room! My family said to me – why are you rushing over to the room? I told them that I could hear him calling me! Is that not crazy?

It didn’t sound crazy to me. She experienced a lot of trauma. She also told me how people around her had no idea what she has been going through since November. That was because she carried on – she was a dedicated teacher.

For me, her eyes told the true story.

She told me how she planned to continue teaching, and that she wasn’t going to take any time off.

I remember going to play tennis the day after my son’s funeral. What else was I supposed to do?

A beautiful sympathy card I received from someone I don’t know.

“Life and Death”

I attended the funeral for Sonia’s husband. My son had an excellent learning experience about life and death. We visited Jason’s grave together. I went to see Sonia and her family in the evening after the funeral. 

I found out from Sonia, that her husband wrote stories during his retirement. I might share one of his stories on my blog, someday. She mentioned one story about how her husband, Sam, was separated from his brother during the Holocaust. Sam had amazingly escaped from camps on several occasions.

She said one of his stories was about when he was walking near the Russian border along a road. While on that road, he walked into his brother whom he hadn’t seen for seven years. When they reunited, someone even took their picture. I would love to see that picture. Now that was an amazing coincidence! 

I was very welcomed that night. Everyone told me how the Sabbath candles, Challah bread, and juice I had brought made for an amazing memory. It was Sam’s last, lucid Sabbath. Sonia told me he was actually practicing Israeli dance steps while in his hospital bed. 

I felt very happy to hear that.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s