It was late and I was tired. Next to my bed was a bag full of old cassette tapes. I was hoping somewhere on one of those cassettes I might have recorded some of my music. I have been looking over the lyric sheets to ten songs that I no longer remember the melodies for. I was hoping that perhaps I might have a recording of one of them somewhere.

I had no success so far. I did listen to some humorous speeches that I’d recorded while on the CSUN speech team. There was a tape of me singing at my own Bat Mitzvah; however, it broke as I went to play it.

There was a tape that listed my children on it. I put it on. My younger son came in – I took off my headphones and said, “Would you like to hear yourself giggling as a baby?”

His face glowed as he listened. I asked him if he remembered being that way. He nodded a yes. Together we enjoyed listening to the banter of young childrens’ voices that have since changed completely!

There was another tape still left – it was from Jason’s funeral. When Jason died, the funeral was scheduled two days later. I wanted to say something, but decided it would be far too difficult to speak at my child’s funeral. Instead, I made a speech on a cassette, which was played to a hushed audience in a crowded chapel.

My younger son asked me if we could listen to it. I told him that I wasn’t up for it. He asked me why.

I told him that it was very sad, and it would probably upset his father who had left the room for a moment. He pestered me some more, so I told him I’d put it on, but turn it off immediately when his dad came back in the room.

We listened only to the introduction, before I quickly turned it off as Michael returned into the bedroom.

It was enough.

I was blown over by the fact that my funeral tape began with me reading my song lyrics. I didn’t remember that at all. However, it wasn’t the song I thought – it wasn’t “Beside Me Always.” It was my song “Saying Goodbye,” which I just recorded.

I found that very interesting. Perhaps that was why I recorded it the way I did recently. It was a revelation for me; I had actually revised my songs for Jason’s funeral.

Of course, there’s a lot of amnesia related to bereavement. For a year after his death, I have no memory.

I clipped off those words for an audio to post here, and I went no further than my first sentence. It was very wrenching to hear my voice knowing I was in excruciating pain when I recorded that cassette. The very first line gripped me:

“All my life, never prepared me for this moment. I am an artist, and I love music. And Jason shared his little soul with me in every area.”

I followed this recitation with reading the lyrics to my songs Saying Goodbye and Beside Me Always. That was all that I have listened to since the funeral, which was 19 years ago.

AUDIO – JUDY’S INTRODUCTION AT JASON’S FUNERAL 10/8/92

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