When I sing my songs, I don’t necessarily have the same feelings that prompted me to write them. I think my “themes” are fairly universal. “Beside Me Always” started out as a break-up song. I associate it more with Jason and his presence now.
I am not sure if my readers are as fascinated by the saga of my songwriting as I am. Up until now, I have shared some brief stories about what inspired some of my songs.
Reading my diary to learn about my songwriting has been very insightful for me. Although I’ve felt younger lately, I’ve realized that I am quite a different person than when I wrote those songs. I think I’ve confused joy and “lightness” with youth. That’s fine perhaps. However, it was delving into what prompted me to write songs that brought me to that realization.
I was a sensitive soul and I still am. I spent a lot of my youth chasing friendship and suffering because of it. I have the insight that it wasn’t until I experienced Jason’s death that I learned how unimportant all that was. The pain of loss and bereavement set my course for many years after that. Maturity finally came to me, when I learned what true pain was.
I know my “friendship issues” were painful at the time. However, I was amazed at how much energy I expended. I have no embarrassment because I am not that way anymore.
I loved my friend, Cheryl. She inspired me to write at least five or six songs. I miss her very much, as does her family and other friends. I feel a lot of sadness that she is not alive to share my musical journey with me. Although I reconnected with her (Post #93 I’ll Never Find Another You), we never discussed our rift.
If she were alive now, I think I would have wanted to. There was so much that we both could have learned from it.
Since her family and friends might read what I’ve written, I must make something very clear. Cheryl and I were both human, and she did nothing wrong. My disappointment was about my own insecurities, and not about her failures.
I am sharing these diary pages to illustrate that perhaps friendship is where we learn our first lessons about hurt and disappointment. I still am a sensitive person, however, I finally did find my best friend. It wasn’t my husband.
It was myself.
Since I am avidly pursuing my music I have decided to take things to another level by sharing my diary and audio from Marge’s tape.
I entitled this post, “How I Did Care.” The following attachments tell the story of my song, “How I Don’t Care.”
And by the way, I still record many songs in my bathroom!
Click the blue links to play audio:
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