I am on a journey right now.
That seems unusual, since I have led a very sheltered life.
The reality is that I’ve hardly traveled at all. My own mother went on her first plane ride when she was in her forties. I was twenty when I went on my first airplane.
There is a place where I store all the sadness about the things I feel I’ve missed. I try not to visit that place very often. It isn’t helpful. One of the things I’ve felt I’ve missed was the opportunity to travel.
However, I have another place where I store all the joy about what I have uniquely experienced in my life. That place is so much more full!
I also realize that there is still much in my life that I can look forward to. I didn’t used to feel that way.
My writing journey is about opening up my life again. I have no idea where I’m going. However, I am enjoying “the ride.” My writing is maturing along with my insights. I know my words have value; I can feel it! I’ve been getting some remarkable feedback.
“Tearing down the barriers in my life”
I am still an ordinary person. I am going shopping, juggling responsibilities, dealing with financial headaches, and stressing out about things with my husband, parents, and teenagers.
I have suffered through traumatic experiences, which many other people have had in their lives.
I told Connie on Saturday, that I often don’t feel “qualified” to share about pain, when there is so much of it in the world! I am a fortunate human that might have triumphed in numerous ways due to my fortitude; however, I don’t want to speak for anyone else, except to share what has worked for me.
But I keep coming back to the image of a journey. This journey is so personal, that it has become painful that I am sharing it so publicly!
I share because I like the idea that if there was hope for me, there can be hope for others – no matter how difficult the circumstances.
I have great joy in tearing down the barriers that I’ve always had in my life. My journey is taking me to places that are completely new for me! Sharing it this way has been liberating and helpful, because I want other people to experience it, too.
It’s about opening up. It’s about becoming “unstuck” and freeing yourself from disappointment, and unresolved grief. I am still going to be a caregiver, and I’m most certainly going to face more loss and grief in my life. I’m certain about that.
But my attitude about everything has changed.
“I am a woman of the twenty-first century!”
I know my writing has unfolded, and there was a purpose to how I have become a “blogger.” I have never read anyone else’s blog, and don’t even know what constraints I should have followed for writing success.
This has been what I’ve found so exciting about the blogging process. Everything has been raw, and insightful for me. I’ve noticed that I am drawn to trauma, and not only within my own life. I realize that I’ve collected stories from people I’ve met, and the traumatic parts are what I remember so well.
I’m not sure that I have passion to craft any of my writing into a book anymore. Perhaps I will be fortunate to find a consummate editor that will do that for me.
I feel no constraints about making an income or making money from what I am doing. The amount of time I could spend on what I’m doing is totally joyous and passionately fun.
I’ve decided that just as I’ve expanded from a painting to using the computer, so it can be for writing. I am a woman of the twenty-first century! This format is perfect way for me to express myself.
“I never expected to feel better”
I have discovered my ability to listen carefully to the “pipeline of my heart!”
That pipeline has been getting louder and louder as I have been writing. It has actually become quite painful!
Yesterday, I didn’t listen to it, and my stomach was filled with butterflies and “flip-flops!” I made an interesting connection. When I start feeling that kind of anxiety, it is a sign to me that I am not paying attention to my pipeline.
What is this anxiousness in my gut all about? I am going to explore that.
I had a glorious childhood. I had passionate friendships, and I fell in love. I may not have gone to exotic locations in my life, but in my life’s journey I have experienced intense emotions along the way.
I’ve made the connection, that my writing is a lot about growth and maturity. In writing about my childhood recently, I’ve noticed that I suffered a lot from the disappointments of my romantic ideals.
I never expected to feel better, or thought my disappointment would vanish.
My feelings of disappointment were very intense! When I was in my twenties, I grappled with letting go of the façade that romantic love held for me. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
I matured. Maturity happens with life experience. I can never become that untarnished, young girl that I was. I accept that, and I’m content to be exactly who I am today.
It is this journey that I am writing about!
Part of my journey is to continue to find insight. The anxiousness in my gut is about my familiar pattern of disconnecting myself from something that is hurting me.
Yesterday, I felt a lot of irritation with my husband. I know that a lot of it was also that he was irritated with me, as well! However, neither of us spoke about it at all. Lately, I express my irritation far more easily since I’ve been more open. But that doesn’t mean that it makes everything perfect.
My familiar pattern has always been, to close up my heart when I am hurt. I never share what I’m really feeling.
One of the most interesting things for me is how hard it is to be close to anyone, unless you are able to share how you really feel. I haven’t had that very often in my life. I believe that is the part that I’ve missed the most.
The maturity for me has become, that I live with someone on a daily basis that really knows and understands me – we’ve been married a long time. However, a lot of the time we don’t really enjoy spending much time together, because of those old, familiar patterns.
There is so much stress in our lives.
Because my prior life was all about stuffing my feelings, I can see that my change has made my family uncomfortable. Change is especially hard for them.
It’s also about the fact that patterns become established, where there are so many defensive tactics, and simmering anger from past resentments!
I am writing about how it feels to make this important change in my life.
I’m not looking to write anything so personal as to embarrass myself at all. I’m just excited to share what I’ve discovered about this whole process of opening up myself. I am in touch with all of the growth from all of my heartache.
At the same time, I am enjoying marveling at my achievements at maintaining my sanity, smile, and ability to write about everything!
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I like the photo caption, “During childhood, I was a princess. Here I am surrounded by my father’s junk.” For some reason it made me laugh out loud. Maybe the juxtaposition of you, all dressed up like a princess, amidst the “junk”. 🙂
Judy, I’m so glad that your blog is helping you. I was worried about you when I saw you. You were so sad and just overwhelmed. I’m glad that your looking to your creative side to find yourself and more contentment in life. I so glad you found your outlet.
P.S. I loved Mike’s Trans Am, also. It didn’t quite fit his quiet demeanor, but it was great!