I was ten in this picture. I have learned so much about friendship since then!

Story behind HOW WE DON’T CARE-PART 2

Friendship and relationships are complicated!

I have often wondered why it was that certain songs felt so much a part of me.

One of my favorite songs was entitled, “How We Don’t Care.” It actually wasn’t written about my high school friend, Elena – but it could have been. It was written a few years later. I was struggling with the same feelings of being hurt with a later “best friend” named Cheryl.

When my session with Connie began, I told her there was a lot going on in my life for me to talk about. I really wanted to discuss my revelation about past hurt in my life.

I had noticed that I had moved beyond my childrens’ issues and the stress of caregiving for my parents. My recovery now included my own, personal realizations, which I’d shoved to my psychic “back burner” for the last thirty years.

I mentioned that I felt like my writing had become my reality and my daily household tasks were rather unreal.

I explained to Connie that since my family wasn’t really aware of what I had written, that I felt remote from them in a way. Writing my feelings on the Internet felt like disrobing.

There were two ways that I viewed people I ran into. There were those that had read my writing, and those that had not.

Those that had read what I’d written could really see me. When they said hello and hugged me, I felt totally comfortable and open. I’d never felt that way before, and it was very different from how I used to feel.

I always appreciate any readers, and the time they devote to reading what I’ve written.

The other people had no idea what “lurked within.”

The young girl in my diary was a version of me that seemed familiar. I was hurt and carried it for a very, long time. I spent a lot of energy trying to deny my hurt, and I pretended I didn’t care as much as I really did. How sad it was that my friend and I both suffered from pride and such a severe lack of communication!

This pattern repeated itself many more times in my life.

For so many years, I’d felt emotionally deadened. I remembered the excitement of my deep friendships and especially of first love! I’d just thought that was part of growing up, and accepted that it was over.

The sadness was that with the “smoothness” or lack of highs and lows, there was numbness. Without pain, there could be no joy. The period of bereavement actually allowed for me to appreciate joy again in my life – when I accepted every tear as my penance. Holding those tears in was what caused me to feel like a zombie.

Perhaps with maturity I had far less lows and highs with all the challenges I had faced. Instead of creating my own emotional tumult, I was thrown onto the tumult of trying to stay afloat amid responsibilities and circumstances!

After I shared many of those insights with Connie I was drained. It was interesting for me that I could verbalize so much. Lately, I’d felt I could only write my feelings, not articulate them.

Her response was, “How do you want me to help you?”

I told her, “I have no idea. I guess I understand that I’ve been married a long time. I am not really looking to have a joyous friendship like I had with Elena so long ago. Right now, I barely have time for friends in my life!”

While I was under hypnosis, Connie asked me, “Do you have some area of your body that is hurting – where you feel your stress?”

I did. I felt my stomach was churning. It seemed that area was my weak link with stress. I developed colitis when my mother first became ill several years ago. It resolved when my stress diminished. I could feel the calmness radiating throughout my body. I didn’t want to think too much, but I was searching to understand what my hurt was actually about.

I decided to see if I could find any word to describe it. The word that came to my mind was “lonely.”

“Life is basically lonely,” I explained. “Even sharing through my writing is a solitary venture. Perhaps I am so passionate about it because I’ve finally found a way to connect with people!”

Suddenly, a realization came to me.

When I left her guesthouse, I felt lighter again. It had finally dawned on me.

I had found my new best friend.

I had found myself.

HOW WE DON’T CARE

Copyright 2018 by Judy Unger

What’s new with you?

It’s been awhile since you’ve told me

I have nothing left to say

It might be too late to give it a try

For now you can’t look me in the eye

I’m doing fine

Although I’m smiling

Inside it isn’t quite the same

I can’t take much more of fighting these tears

it seems my disguise is not what it appears

We try to show how we don’t care

How we don’t feel, how we don’t share

And it’s really nothing new

It just gets harder every time

to say I love you

Sometimes I feel

like this time it’s over

Will this be just a passing storm?

Somehow I wonder if after the rain

can our love survive this pain?

So what’s on your mind?

Will you cry when you leave me?

Or is it that I’m just crying alone?

I thought that our love I could always count on

Did we wake up to find that love has gone?

We try to show how we don’t care

How we don’t feel, how we’re not there

And it’s really nothing new

It just gets harder every time

to say I love you

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.