“HALF A CENTURY”
Perhaps this change came about because I turned fifty this past October. I’m not exactly sure. But it was definitely the beginning of me making some changes in my life.
I think I was fully “shell shocked” this past December. Of course, my numerous lists of challenges over the past two decades sound more like a Hallmark drama than something I’ve lived. But between November and January, I found out how depleted I really was. This has turned into a journey of “opening up,” because I’ve realized that I have been moving through my life like a zombie. It’s one thing to feel devoid of connections, it’s another to realize how lonely it is all of a sudden. I was super caregiver; I was taking care of so many people. The question was, who was taking care of me? It guess that’s also my job, but I didn’t have much left over for that part!
Recently, I found out that writing is a wonderful, creative outlet and that it is extremely helpful for me. I am finding out that I have a lot of things to write about and share. The responses I’ve received have been so uplifting and empowering, that I am feeling invigorated and excited to continue this writing journey.
“RECENTLY, IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH”
My challenges accelerated last November. My mother-in-law died, and a week after that my mother fell and broke her shoulder. I still had it in me to continue the brave fight; to take care of whatever illustration business might infrequently come my way and to keep up our household. I still made sure to go out and slug some tennis balls whenever possible. However, day after day of going to the hospital to see my mom started to take a toll. It wasn’t like my own children didn’t need me; thankfully, they were much better than before. My three kids have consumed my energy for a very long time. I started to try and count the years, but since it began with my first child, Jason, that would go back to 1987.
Making medical decisions, alleviating my father’s depression and anxiety and constantly visiting my mom was now added into my existence. Always my mantra has been, that this is what my mother would have done for me – and certainly would have if she were younger and stronger. However, as time wore on it became plain to see that I am only human and this was all a bit much. It really did seem like it was time for me to let go of imagining my mom would live forever, and to accept the situation as “the time has come.” The fact that she actually recovered was somewhat of a surprise, considering that my intuition has usually told me to expect the worst (based on past experiences, for sure).
Anyway, I actually wanted this blog to be more about the new outlook and excitement that I have about pursuing the music I used to play when I was in high school and college. It is amazing to me that I can even pick up my guitar and play again after thirty years. The last song I wrote was for my wedding in 1981.
Now that thirty years have passed, I’m certain that all my life experiences have allowed me to be a more sensitive person. I am finding it “transporting” to play songs I wrote years ago, and feel many of the same feelings that I had when I was younger. I can’t even begin to know how I could have written songs then that easily speak to me now! Perhaps when we are younger, the heart is so unblemished that it is easier to write about those early disappointments, heartbreaks and love. I believe I had insight then to touch upon many of the things that I would face later on. Songs about death, lack of communication and love all resonate so much for me.
“MY AUDITION IS APPROACHING”
This Thursday, I will be performing some of my songs for a connection in the music business (a successful producer) that my childhood friend, Joni offered to set up a meeting with. Because of my sharing during my mother’s illness, somehow this has come about. This is really a great opportunity to get some excellent feedback. After not performing or playing much for thirty years, what could I possibly expect? I am trying not to expect much. I am certainly enjoying the dreaming, and hope that my newfound rediscovery of music will continue. Imagine what kind of new songs I could write? Of course, I am so behind in many basic things, like doing my taxes. It is going to take awhile before I get to that place!
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