“And crimson oak trees”
I didn’t drive down that particular street for many years. It was easier to avoid it. The memory of my dead child was too vivid whenever I saw those trees again. Even if they weren’t oak trees like my song’s lyrics, it didn’t matter. The memory had returned.
There was an autumn day when Jason wanted to see a red leaf up close. He didn’t believe they were so red and still alive.
We drove down a few side streets and together we searched for trees with red leaves. Then I saw some trees with crimson leaves within reach, dangling from branches. While he waited in the car, I carefully picked several.
He examined the leaves carefully. His voice chirped with delight as he said, “Mommy, I love these leaves. Can I keep them forever?”
I told him leaves could not last forever, that everything became old.
I thought I was teaching him about life. However, my greatest lesson was that he ended up teaching me.
“Life and Death is a Mystery”
She had a dream.
The voice was speaking to her. She wondered whose voice it was. It was hard for her to imagine it was “god.” She always envied people who had faith that sustained them through their grief, because she always had doubt.
The voice was asking her a question. It was a thoughtful question, but one that she knew immediately would be very easy for her to answer. She wanted to write about it.
The question was: “If she could go back in time again and relive her life, would she?”
The first image that came into her mind was a photo taken when she was twenty. Her gaze in that picture was bright with promise. She looked toward the sky with love, innocence, and optimism. In that picture, it was clear that she had never suffered.
She knew that if she went back she might not experience the challenges or tragedies that occurred later in her life. But her answer was confident and assured. She said:
I used to want to live forever; I was afraid of death. But that was when I was young.
There is so much purpose for me at this time in my life. I would not trade that to ever be young again. I understand now that my time on this earth is finite, and that makes my life even more meaningful.
I love who I am. I love what I am doing. That is true happiness. I appreciate my life, my husband, my children and my parents.
The music from my heart is a blessing that fills me with amazement and joy.”
Responses to my song: EVERY SEASON YOU COME BACK TO ME
Very, very beautiful…very touching …I can “feel” the melody of your heart, I can “hear” it drifting though the morning skies across the world, lightly hovering above each parent’s heart who has lost a child… Thank you very much for sharing your beautiful song.
Thank you Judy!! That is such a beautiful and true song!! I am so very sorry for your loss, yes, it may have been some time ago but, to a Mother’s wounded heart, what is time?
Judy, thank you for sharing your song. I have to admit that it’s kind of hard to think of 19 years of grief. I’m really sorry. At first it kind of scared me, but then I realized that I, most likely, will not be alive in another 19 years, but I know that whatever remaining years I do have I will not be forgetting my son. Oh what a mystery life is. Who is wise enough to explain it? I only live in today now.
Hi Judy! Thank you for the music! It was a little more than 3 1/2 years before I started to play my piano again. I had tried to commit suicide and had a small stroke, which impaired my left hand a bit, even to this day some of it is numb, so I am having trouble playing well but I am playing and I can really relate with you how music is such a great healer. I am so happy to hear that you are exploring your loss and grief with a musical venue. Music is such a blessing, such a gift. I have learned so much about my pain and loss through music.
Thank you. My youngest daughter died 2/17/11 and this just touched me deeply. I put it on her memorial page – I do not know if you can access it.
Oh, Rose! I am crying! Your daughter was beautiful and my heart breaks for you! To see my song on your Facebook page means so much to me if it can bring even a touch of comfort.
There truly is no way to describe that pain. Thank you for sharing my song and letting me know. You have lifted me very much.
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