lyric writing | MY JOURNEY'S INSIGHT

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WITH ME – PART 2

May 21, 2013

This post is dedicated to my father. Today would have been his eighty-ninth birthday. One year ago today, he went into a coma and died five days later. My song “With Me” was written a month after his death.

Clicking the blue link below plays audio for my song, for which I’ve recorded a new vocal:

I look at the clouds and see your face

You’re watching me; smiling from space

Not sure where I’m going or when I’ll get there

But you are with me; you’re everywhere

When I’m discouraged, sometimes I crawl

You hold me up so I won’t fall

Not sure of my life now or where I will go

But you are with me; that much I know

With me, when I was born

With me as I mourn

With me in every song

You’re with me to keep me strong

With me every day

With me in every way

With me and always near

You take away all of my fear

Not sure of my future, but I’ve always known

That you are with me; I’m not alone

Though I can’t see you; you’re not in sight

Through the darkness you are my light

Not sure what will happen or how things will be

Yet I am certain, you are with me

With me, when I was born

With me as I mourn

With me in every song

You’re with me to keep me strong

With me every day

With me in every way

With me and always near

You take away the fear

With me when I cry

With me when I die

Watching my life unfold

You’re with me, as I grow old

You’re with me . . . as I grow old

My parents’ wedding portrait from 1950.

Oh dad, how quickly this year has gone by since your death. I can easily picture that moment when you died. You opened your eyes and I watched as your soul was lifted to god.

I was so blessed to have such a loving father as you. With mom’s dementia, we became close and were a comfort to each other.

I hated that you suffered so much. Even though you were in terrible pain, you were always worried about me. I miss having you there to worry about me. But on the other hand, I am very relieved that you are not here worrying about me!

I waited until you were gone to end my marriage; we talked about it and you completely supported me. But it was best that you did not witness my transition; it would have caused you great distress.

I loved sharing all of my excitement with you about my journey. At first you were skeptical, but later on you really had so much faith in me. You even listened to many of my audio stories and gave me feedback. I’m sorry that it was painful for you to listen to some of my stories. You said you could not bear hearing about my grief and suffering.

Dad, I still feel blanketed by your love. I look at clouds and imagine you watching me. If I close my eyes, I can hear your voice. When I cry, I feel your tears raining upon me from above.

I stay positive because I prefer for you to beam from heaven instead of crying.

You are with me always.

My parents gave me so much love and I still can feel it.

Things I wish I could tell my father:

Dad, I have been very careful not to let eggshells fall into the sink. You always told me not to put them in the garbage disposal because they turn into sand and cause problems.

I’ve tried hard to continue to grow my fingernails. You were so thrilled about that. Recently, I have had a few lapses where I’ve bitten them, but I’m certain I will overcome this.

I’m sorry we didn’t eat at IHOP (Pancake House) the week before you died. When you started to cry about it, I told you that it was easier to go to a different restaurant that day. I know you wanted me to find ways to make my life easier and I hoped you’d get over it. Now I regret it very much, especially because you went into a coma on your birthday.

Dad, you always raved about the eye surgeon who did cataract surgery on both you and mom. I knew you would have been happy knowing he did my cataract surgery, too. Only a few months after you died, I had my surgery.

I told this doctor how much you worshipped him before he operated on me. Even though he was an excellent surgeon, I know that if you were alive you would be very aggravated about my current situation.

Dad, I still carry your favorite “sand pillow” in my car. You wanted me to have it for you when you went to the dentist. Yesterday, I had an appointment and memories came back to me of us going together to that dentist shortly before you died.

You were in so much pain that day and still grateful that I took you to that appointment. You were elated just to be with me, even if it was going to the dentist!

I try not to correct other people by telling them to say “well” instead of “good.” I wish I felt well, and I try hard to stay positive because you loved me so much.

You would be proud that I am working on an illustration assignment.

And when I spent an hour dealing with Medi-Cal issues for mom yesterday, I could feel your sympathy. I heard you say, “Don’t deal with it, cut back!”

Unfortunately, I must deal with many things related to mom’s care. It is amazing the way she clings to life and I am blessed that she is comfortable and not in pain.

Thank you for leaving enough money to pay for her companion, Miriam.

The sale on my former house is going through. Thankfully, it came just in time so that there will be money for me to buy the coop and have funds to pay Miriam.

Your grandson misses you so much. He treasures the coin collection you gave to him and talks about it all the time. He tells me that he tries not to chew on ice and stands up straighter because he hears your voice. I hear those things, too.

His college graduation is tomorrow. You were trying hard to stay alive to see that day. I know you’ll be sitting right there with us. It is because of you that my son is who he is today. He has grieved you deeply and I remind him that you wouldn’t want him to be sad.

I wish there was some way that my brothers could reunite. I wish I could do more, but honestly I’m incapable right now. If you were still alive, you could not bear this – I know.

I realize now that you planned for me to live at your coop. Thank you, dad. You continue to take care of me from heaven.

© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, comfort while grieving, composing, dad died, death of a father, father's death, father's illness, grief, GRIEF RELATED, grieving a dad, grieving a father, grieving my dad, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, with me, writing
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YOU WERE THERE – PART 3

May 10, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the blue link below to hear my song:

These blue links are to other stories about this song:

YOU WERE THERE – PART 1

YOU WERE THERE – PART 2

YOU WERE THERE

All my life, every day; you were there when I’d need you

all the time, I just knew; you’d be there

and you’d see me through

I’ve always known, I’m not alone . . .

You were so strong; you’d pick me up when I’d fall down

so I can see all the strength you gave me

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

Everything that I did you’d applaud; you were right there watching me

as I grew, sharing joy and my heartache, too

I always knew, that I had you . . .

Now I’m so strong; I picked you up when you fell down

I’ve learned to see just how strong I could be

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

When you are gone, I’ll say a prayer

and I’ll remember how you were there

This picture of my mother and I was taken outside the coop where I am now living.

This picture of my mother and I was taken in the patio of the coop where I am now living. I see my old bicycle in the background.

My father saved a lot of my childhood artwork. I remembered drawing many of these pictures.

This picture is of my mother when she was young. It looks a little strange due to a photographer’s poor retouching. But my mother still looks very beautiful.

I took many pictures of my mother and I holding hands two years ago. I wanted them so I could create a song cover for “You Were There.” Sadly, my mother has had a terrible nail fungus for two years and her hands do not look like this any more.

For several months I was having more and more problems with my eyes. My eyesight consisted of dancing and annoying areas of shadows, fog and blurriness. I was still able to read, work and drive; I was grateful for that. But then I experienced pain; I felt like there were feathers and webs moving inside both my eyes. It became hard for me to keep them open. I played tennis once a week, but was frustrated and felt a lump in my throat as I kept missing easy shots. Perhaps I would take a break from it; I hated the feeling of wanting to cry and smiling for friends.

Because my eyes bothered me so much, going outside in the sunlight and being with people was hard for me. It was usually easier in those situations to close my eyes. I felt best when I was alone in my apartment; I retreated into my own world. I heard music and it took me to beautiful places instead.

Over the past week, I had followed an eye drop regimen to treat what an optometrist labeled “dryness and inflammation.” In one more week, I had the “first available” appointment with my ophthalmologist. I was not optimistic that my problem would improve.

I was angry at my circumstances, while at the same time having extreme determination to accept my fate. But it was quite difficult.

I had a lot of illustrations to create. As I worked, I concentrated and wore powerful glasses to help me see details. I was relieved that I could still illustrate.

Late at night, I allowed myself to edit the vocals that I continued to record. Mother’s Day was right around the corner and I was facing the one-year anniversary of my father’s death. For those reasons, I concentrated on two songs; one was for my mother and the other for my father.

Memories of their love had me very connected to both songs. I found it beautiful how I was able to channel my emotions into singing.

Ever since my father died, I became closer to my two older brothers. Both of them lived nearby. It was comforting knowing that they cared about me.

But sadly, my two brothers were not communicating with each other. I was grateful to have both of them, but sad about their rift and my fractured family.

Every Thursday, I had lunch with my middle brother, my mother, my nephew and my mother’s companion, Miriam.

On Saturdays, I met my older brother and sister-in-law for lunch with Miriam and my mother. Sometimes, a grandchild joined us.

My brother, Howard, is on my left and Norman is on my right. This was taken 13 years ago at my 40th birthday party.

It was Thursday, and I dashed out the door to pick up Miriam and my mother at the nursing home. As I drove, I enjoyed listening to the new vocals that I had been concentrating on all week. I had only finished assembling revised vocal lines at 1 a.m. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t made any mistakes putting them together when it was so late at night.

But everything sounded great. I always heard things that I wanted to fix, but had to let go of it. I didn’t have time now to fiddle with every song when I had so many to work on. Editing a vocal line probably required at least ten hours for me.

As I listened to my songs on the freeway, my heart was dancing. A few tears escaped and lightly streamed down my cheeks.

I realized that I was glad to be seeing my mother. I couldn’t believe that she was still on this earth. How lucky I was to be able to have lunch with her! I had looked for a Mother’s Day card to give her and my heart ached searching for a card that I knew she couldn’t read. But Miriam would read it aloud to her and display it on her nightstand at the nursing home.

Sadly, my mother’s dementia continued to advance. She became thinner because her memory of chewing and swallowing had faded. Pureed food became necessary, and gelatin had to be added to any liquids.

But she clearly lived for these lunch outings. On good days, she smiled broadly. However, most of time now she was very quiet. When she did try to talk, her words made no sense. Often during these lunches, everyone simply talked as if she wasn’t there. I wondered what she could process and if she was aware of what was going on around her.

Something was definitely keeping her going.

Miriam was waiting for me in the parking lot of the nursing home as I drove up. She pushed my mother’s wheelchair next to my car. I noticed how my mother’s body was in a contorted position and she looked skeletal. In order to get into my car, my mother needed to stand; it was a herculean effort for her.

After Miriam strapped her in, I leaned across my car so I could kiss my mother. There was no doubt that she knew it was me. Whenever I drew close, her eyes beamed with love.

It was clear that my mother was quite exhausted from getting into my car. She began to cough and her spasms were deep; she was rattling with congestion. I reminded myself to call the charge nurse later and check to see if she was receiving breathing treatments.

We arrived at our usual restaurant, and I took a seat. My brother and nephew were waiting for us. I glanced around to look for a certain waitress. In my purse, I had a CD for her. A few weeks earlier, I had told her about my music on my blog. The following week, she warmly hugged me and told me that she had enjoyed reading my stories and listening to my songs. I was touched.

It was always helpful for me to connect with other people by sharing. It gave me a sense of purpose and fueled my journey.

It was interesting though that my middle brother had never heard any of my music. I was hesitant to share a CD with him – I decided it was probably because I didn’t want to impose upon his time. I knew he considered my music and writing a “hobby.”

As I sat looking at my mother across from me, my thoughts drifted. I decided that this was probably my last Mother’s Day with her. It just didn’t seem possible for her to continue this way.

Our lunch went by quickly. My eyes hurt and I closed them whenever possible. I sang in my mind and it relaxed me. I was also preparing myself for the recording session I had in two hours.

Whenever I sang, I was uplifted. I loved connecting with my vocal cords; the sensation was amazing and completely new for me. Singing brought me joy; I even connected with god. Life was great because I had music.

My mother’s cough seemed worse than usual, and it was time to go. I said goodbye to the wonderful people working at the restaurant and hugged my brother and nephew.

Because of my mother’s fatigue, she was unable to stand up in order to get into my car. Miriam ended up lifting her out of her wheelchair like a rag doll. My mother grunted as she collapsed into the front seat.

On a whim, I asked Miriam to take a few pictures of my mother sitting next to me in my car. It didn’t concern me that I had not spent one iota of time on my appearance. I only wished I had thought of it earlier, before my mother became so tired.

As I drove back to the nursing home, I was excited to share my new vocal for “You Were There” with my mother and Miriam. I plugged my iPod into my car’s audio system. For over ten years, my old mini-van did not have a working radio. Now that I was leasing a new car, I loved listening to music and as a result, I really enjoyed driving.

The notes of “You Were There” began to fill my car and all of my sadness dissipated. My heart was bursting with joy.

I looked over at my mother and her eyes were closed. Then I turned around to look at Miriam in the backseat. Miriam was mouthing the words to my song. I could see her eyes were glistening in the sunlight.

We were at a stoplight and I felt compelled to lean close to my mother so I could whisper in her ear. I said, “This song is for you mom. Every word is absolutely true!” I was surprised when she lightly nodded.

A moment later, we arrived at the nursing home. Miriam jumped out and I popped the trunk so she could take out my mother’s portable wheelchair.

My song was almost over. It softly ended with violin strings playing the last note. I gently unbuckled my mother’s seatbelt and she opened her eyes.

“I loved seeing you for lunch, mom.” Then I asked her, “Did you like my song?”

Her lips softly moved. Her words were clear and soft. I was stunned. I felt waves of emotion sweep through me.

Miriam pushed my mother’s wheelchair through the gate and they disappeared.

Like sweet notes of wind chimes, what my mother had clearly spoken aloud continued to reverberate through my mind.

Over and over, I heard her whispered words.

“I like it. It’s beautiful.”

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Caregiving, composing, creativity, dementia, guitar, I picked you up, inspiration, loss, love for a mother, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, Mother's Day tribute, mother's illness, Mother's love, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, tribute to my mother, You Were There
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MY DREAM STILL GLOWS

May 2, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Below I share a new vocal for my song “My Dream.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Below is a blue link to my story about this song.

Story behind MY DREAM

Currently, I am creating many fruit illustrations for a line of yogurt labels.

It felt strange not to check the box that said “married” when I filled out this form a few weeks ago.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FOG

As the Princess continued her journey, she sometimes wondered how she stayed so strong. She didn’t rely on anyone; she marveled at her strength and determination. What she loved most was that she had not an iota of regret for choosing to follow her heart.

A few months earlier, the Princess emerged from a tunnel into blinding sunlight. But the brilliance quickly faded into darkness. The Princess was able to avoid the holes in her landscape and stayed positive because love continued to light her way. Gradually the inky blackness turned to gray and then the sky became white.

It was then that she noticed a fog had rolled in . . .

The fog was wispy at first, but soon it surrounded her in every direction.

The Princess hated to complain. Despite her awareness that worrying sucked away her energy, she began to wonder if the fog would ever lift. It was extremely annoying. She reminded herself that there was no hurry for her to get to any destination, because she loved where she was going. In her heart, she knew how valuable she was. She loved her journey.

Despite the fog, it was easy for the princess to have faith. When many gold coins suddenly fell in front of her path, it was something she never expected. Material items were unimportant for her, and yet this came at a time when her debt was overwhelming her. She believed there was definitely a message to find with those coins.

But then the fog began to hurt her eyes; and it wasn’t just annoying anymore. The Princess realized she was truly alone, as the fog separated her from a familiar world.

It wasn’t hard for her to be alone, she was just so discouraged by the pain. So she looked at her journey in the fog as an opportunity to find even more clarity.

Her eyes were half closed and she did not have much energy as she gritted her teeth and continued to move forward. Tears spilled down her cheeks easily.

Then the fog began to dance and she felt extreme heaviness. Spider webs appeared in her eyes and she felt her body slowing down. It was exhausting. Now there were silken webs tightening around her feet and pulling with each step. She tried to move, but instead she softly fell to the ground.

Her painful eyes were like slits. She heard a voice and through her half-closed eyes she saw a white spider grinning and cackling at her. The spider was speaking. It’s voice was very familiar and sounded like an old woman.

The Princess asked the spider, “Why are you here?”

The spider answered, “My dear, I am joining you and I know you remember me. There was a time when we spent all of our time together for many, many years.”

The Princess was weak and did not want to answer. But she asked the white spider, “What is your name?”

The spider tiptoed and whispered into the princess’s ear while she was still lying prone on the ground.

“My name is Sadness. Let’s travel together. While I am with you, we can even find many of those old memories that I am a part of.”

The princess felt her eyes glaze over. She was tired of crying and pulling at the webs. It was nice not to be alone anymore. She rested with Sadness and did not move for a long time.

But then the princess began to miss her musical elixir. She softly sang to herself and could feel her soul glowing with pleasure.

Magically, the webs surrounding her body began to melt away.

She ignored the spider on the ground as she stood up.

The white spider began to shriek, “You cannot do that – I am here to stay with you. You have no reason to push me away. I want to keep you company!”

The Princess smiled. She was relieved that she had not lost her ability to smile or sing. She ripped off the remaining webs that bound her and watched them float away. The magical elixir of music continued to fill her heart.

Now that she had vanquished the spider, she was even more certain of her strength. She sang loudly and freely and beamed with an inner glow.

Although her exterior felt ravaged by circumstances, inside she felt quite beautiful. Her appearance might not be sparkling, but that was unimportant for her because she knew it was temporary.

She remained thankful for so many things, but especially to God for giving her the musical elixir to help her. God even blessed her with gold coins to make her journey easier.

There was no reason to stop in the fog. It would lift someday. Until then, sadness would never be her companion again.

And with her music, she was never alone.

Recent email update to my family and friends:

This has been a most difficult time in my life. My eye problems have continued. A month ago I had a laser treatment called a capsulotomy, which treats a common cataract complication. It caused my vision to become clearer, but also left me with more noticeable floaters. I was told that was temporary.

After the procedure, my eyes continued bothering me. I could not shake the feeling that something was inside my eyes; it worsened and became painful. It was like I had spider webs in my eyes! I called my surgeon’s office. The receptionist from the ophthalmology department told me over the phone that it sounded like dryness and I needed to simply use artificial tears. I have been disappointed with the treatment I’ve received since my cataract surgery. When I was told that there were no appointments available, I found myself crying on the phone. Due to my insistence, I was given an appointment to see an optometrist instead.

At that appointment, I was told that my eyelids and tear ducts were inflamed. Steroid eye drops were prescribed and I was told to see my eye surgeon in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I continue to work on a wonderful illustration project. I am thankful that I can easily see my large computer screen, however, working has certainly made the dryness in my eyes much worse.

My project is going well and is a godsend to my life. So far, my layouts have been well received. I am illustrating fruit, which is my specialty.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for. My daughter found a job, my oldest son is graduating college and my youngest son did an amazing job performing in a play at his new school.

The sale of my former home fell through and now a second buyer is having difficulty getting a loan. It will be two weeks before we will know if this sale will go through. I am not terribly affected by this, but I am concerned about the effect on my son and former husband. I trust that things will work out. If this sale does not go through, our home might sell for even more because the marketplace is excellent at the moment.

Music is still an IV for my soul. Even though I work long hours illustrating, I take breaks to sing and record several times a week. I have already recorded vocals for 24 songs and have 14 left. My voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes, continues to help me sing freely with a great connection to my vocal chords. Also, once a week I work on song arrangements with my arranger George.

My divorce will probably become final around the end of the year. I hope you are well and appreciate all of the support you have given me.

Love, Judy

I am so thankful for my mother’s companion, Miriam, who keeps my mother smiling. I feel very close to her, because she has made such a difference to our family with her devotion to my mother.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cryed with joy as we celebrated it.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cried with joy when we celebrated it.

Guess which is the most important tool I use while illustrating? My iPod!

Tags:acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, beautiful music, Caregiving, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, escape through music, guitar, hopefulness, humor daily life, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, metaphors, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, musical comfort, musical inspiration, my dream, optimism, original songs, princess metaphor, singing, songwriting, writing
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MY DREAM HAS ME BLESSED

April 8, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This picture was taken on a camping trip when I was in college. Playing my guitar around a campfire was so beautiful for me!

To lift my spirits, I have begun recording some of my love songs. I realize I sing many sad songs, but I also have upbeat ones. Here is a new “vocal in progress” for my song “Crystal Oceans.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

–

In February of 2009, my 84-year-old mother was released from a hospital and into a nursing facility. She had been on a respirator for two months and it was a miracle she recovered.

I started writing my blog a week after that and my journey of insight began. For my very first entry, I shared how giddy I was that I would soon be meeting a producer in the music business. My childhood friend, Joni, had arranged this appointment with Jud Friedman. Here is a paragraph from his website:

6-Time Oscar, Grammy and Golden Globe Nominated Hit Songwriter

I have had multiple nominations for Oscars, Grammies and Golden Globes and hits with songs such as “Run To You” by Whitney Houston, “I Don’t Have The Heart” by James Ingram and “For The First Time” by Kenny Loggins. I’ve written for and worked with artists ranging from Barbra Streisand to Rod Stewart to Ray Charles to, most recently, Charice and Toni Braxton.

I really had no idea where it would lead. I definitely thought the experience would be fun to write about on my new blog.

So I began practicing my guitar again, and I tried to remember some of the original songs I had written as a teenager. It certainly seemed like such a strange thing for me to be doing at the age of 50!

Prior to my wedding in 1981, I was dancing the can-can in the dressing room with all of my bridesmaids. My childhood friend, Joni, was the most glamorous bridesmaid and everyone mentioned how absolutely gorgeous she looked on that day.

I decided to go back to find my emails with Joni about this appointment. Here they are!

February 7, 2010

Judy, I spoke with Jud and he can see you for an hour this coming Friday in the morning at his home. Can you make it? If so, you can meet me at my home and we can both go over together. Or if you would prefer, you can meet him solo. Bring your demo, or guitar or both, whichever you would like. Looking forward to your reply!

Love, Joni

Dear Joni,

I feel my heart palpitating already – OMG. Okay, I’m taking deep breaths. A whole hour? Wow! I think I have about ten songs I could play. That much time is very, very generous of him. Thank you so much for putting this together, Joni! It has added so much excitement to my world!

Is he really hard to get in to see? Because I wouldn’t mind if we met instead the following week, so that I could be more “practiced.” My fingers are so sore, and I hope I’ll be up to speed by Thursday – oh whatever, it’s just exciting to dream.

Love, Judy

P.s. My heart is pounding, I’ve got to try to be calm about all this!

I wrote about the experience on these posts:

#3 CAPABLE SONGWRITER, JUST NOT CONTEMPORARY

#4 REDISCOVERING WHAT I LOVE TO DO – PART 1

Joni and I grew up as playmates. We lived in a coop in North Hollywood from infancy until college. I moved back to that same coop six months ago. My father had died and I needed to sell it. But then, I realized it was an affordable place for me to live when I ended my marriage.

Joni still lived in the same neighborhood with her husband and four children, less than half a mile away. I was always amazed at how many memories both of us carried from our childhood; it was such a beautiful thing to have her as my friend.

After meeting Jud, I was completely inspired. Suddenly, I found myself drawn to playing my guitar again and my journey began!

This blog is a fabulous record of the fairytale my life became as a result of my musical rediscovery.

Currently, two of my children live with me in my coop. One of the biggest reasons that I decided to move back to it was because my 16-year-old son would be attending a new high school that was two blocks away. His school represented a new beginning for him. He would still see his father and older brother on the weekends.

Once again, this all led to another amazing coincidence in my life.

I actually ran into Jud, the music producer while at a school meeting for my son. There he was sitting near me! Jud certainly remembered me because only a few months earlier, I met with him for a second time to share my musical progress. He was very impressed to see what I had accomplished two years later and once again, he was very generous with his time and knowledge.

Now all of this ended up becoming even more interesting!

Last week, my teenage son called me to pick him up after socializing with some friends. They had walked from a bowling alley to a nearby coffee shop.

When I arrived to pick him up, he came out with another boy. Then he asked me if I could give his friend a ride home.

It turned out it was Jud’s son!

For twenty minutes, the two of us had an animated conversation. I told him how wonderful Jud was and how his father had inspired me to begin writing songs again. Jud’s son was beaming and enthusiastic as he spoke about his father and the amazing experience he had attending the Academy Awards as his dad’s guest. It was beautiful to hear about it.

Until I reached his home, we both chattered on about music while I drove. After his friend exited my car, my own son joined me in the front seat. His face was dour. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset that I had discussed my music with his friend. I accepted it because it seemed to be typical teenager behavior.

But then my son told me it bothered him most that I had mentioned Jason and the songs I wrote about him.

He said he did not want me mentioning his dead brother in his presence ever again.

I tried to be calm, but inside my stomach was churning. I explained to my son about grief and memories. Our discussion began to escalate and it was hard for me to contain my sadness. I whispered to my son I was sorry, and then I turned away so he wouldn’t see my tears.

Later on, I found a moment to allow myself to truly cry.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children. This picture was taken at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

My journey began with Joni’s suggestion. Joni knew Jud because her son was dating his daughter at that time.

My journey went in a new and wonderful direction with another one of her suggestions!

Three months ago, she said to me, “Jude, my daughter has a boyfriend and he’s a musical genius. If you are looking for someone who knows a lot about music, I’m certain he could help you.”

I had mentioned to her that I wanted to learn more about music programming and mixing. She texted me his phone number.

Who would have thought my good friend’s children and their dating partners could lead to such amazing things?

I spoke to her daughter’s boyfriend; his name was Darrin Kohavi.

Darrin was an avid songwriter, composer and singer. He played classical piano and worked in the music industry. He came from a musical family and certainly knew a great deal about recording music.

I introduced myself to him and he was very friendly on the phone. I found out later that Joni had already shared my blog with him.

I told Darrin I was having difficulty recording in my coop. It was complicated and noisy. Also, my teenagers hated my singing and I was inhibited.

Darrin gave me a perfect solution. He said there was recording studio less than half a mile from my coop. He explained that it was at his parents’ home. He didn’t live there, but he could meet me there to record vocals. We set up an appointment that week.

Right away, I was elated. Darrin’s recording area was almost sound proof, and he had an excellent pre-amp. We did some test recordings and they were beautiful. He was willing to accommodate me for half hour sessions at a reasonable price.

I was delighted and ready to start recording vocals. We began working together.

Darrin was a soft-spoken and relaxed young man. He had long locks of curly black hair and a sweet smile. Whenever I sang, he always gave me gentle encouragement. It turned out, he was quite experienced from recording his own vocals; he understood so much about what I was doing.

Here are examples of our exchanges:

Judy: (After singing a song five times) I sound raspy, don’t I?

Darrin: Yes, but the vibe is great.

Judy: Have you ever had your voice get raspy like that?

Darrin: Oh, sure!

Judy: Those mouth clicks are driving me crazy! Do you get those, too?

Darrin: All the time!

Judy: Everything was sounding great until my foot squeaked. Has that happened to you?

Darrin: It sure has and you have to watch those things!

Judy: It’s hard to sing when I cry – sorry!

Darrin: Don’t worry; you have lots of other takes to work with.

Judy: Not bad for my first take?

Darrin: Warm up!

Judy: How did that one sound?

Darrin: I liked that one a lot.

Below is one of Darrin’s songs. My daughter tells me his song reminds her of The Beatles. I share it on my blog with his permission. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Love Is All Around – Darrin Kohavi

I realize that going through a divorce, having eyesight issues and living in close quarters with two teenagers has been challenging. My mother’s continued decline is also quite difficult.

But the joy that I receive from singing is my blessing!

Today, I brought a camera along to my recording session to add pictures to my story.

Darrin’s parents are wonderful and if his mother or father had been home, they would have taken a picture of us together. Instead, I captured him at his computer with his dog and he snapped pictures of me at the microphone.

Tags:acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, Darrin Kohavi, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Jud Friedman, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Music and recording, musical rediscovery, original songs, recording, recording studio, singing, songwriting, vocal concepts, vocals, vocals and recording
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I OPENED MY EYES AND I CLOSED THEM AGAIN

April 7, 2013

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This image of me resting was taken when I was 19. This rendition is for my audio book story surrounding my song “So Real.” My post title is a line of lyrics from that song.

This image of me resting was taken when I was 19. This rendition is for my audio book story surrounding my song “So Real.” This post is a line of lyrics from that song.

I have been feverishly recording new vocals for many of my arrangements. I share below some of my new emotional renditions. Clicking the blue links plays audio:

I share some lesson clips below with my voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes. Last week we worked on my song “With Me.” What stands out for me the most is my laughter and joy while I am with Kimberly.

BLOG EXCERPT KIMBERLY LESSON A 3-31-13

BLOG EXCERPT KIMBERLY LESSON B 3-31-13

This image is for my audio book story about my song “No Words.” The baby is actually my daughter, who was born 11 months after Jason died.

An email update I sent out a week ago:

Hi friends and family,

I just wanted to update everyone about my eyes etc. On Tuesday, I had laser treatment on both of my eyes to clear the remaining cataract that intruded upon my vision. The complication I had was very common and almost immediately I could see that everything was brighter. But once the dilation wore off I saw numerous dark floaters, which was something the eye doctor told me I would have for a few days.

Unfortunately, the problem in my left eye is still quite pronounced for me. When the gel in my eye separated from the eye wall, there was some blood inside my gel. That is causing the blurriness. The doctors have told me it will improve, but it will take time – possibly even a year until it is absorbed.

All of this has been very hard for me to deal with. I try to stay positive, even though I often have a sensation like I have cobwebs in both my eyes. I was told there is no reason for this.

In the meantime, I am thankful that working on the computer is not a problem for me. It is when I’m not working, that my eyes bother me. Although this is challenging, I celebrate the many beautiful things that are happening in my new life.

I am thrilled to be working on a wonderful illustration assignment, which is going quite well. The income will allow me to continue singing and moving forward.

Love, Judy

This image is for my audio story named “The Amputation of My Soul.”

The princess had fallen on the ground many times before. Each and every time she found a way to rise up again. It was familiar for her.

The difference was that now she was older and she no longer had parents to envelop her with support and love. So she found love elsewhere, and continued to marvel at her strength.

She was far away from the dragon now and glad that he was finally moving forward in a new direction. She cared about him even though she disliked his presence.

Although she had tremendous energy, the princess was sad and cried easily. Not long ago, she had imagined she could choose either a rock or a gold coin to represent each day. She realized that her days were not precious anymore and she only carried rocks. Music lightened her load, but it was still heavy. With every tear she shed, a new pebble was added to the quarry upon her back.

Her greatest burden was that her eyes continuously bothered her. It wasn’t something anyone could see, but it affected her deeply into the core of her being. Whenever she opened her eyes she felt silken strands resting upon the surface of her eyeball. The wispiness in her vision made her imagine she was in a cocoon. Her vision felt wobbly and she often closed her eyes.

She lived within her dreams, and imagined herself to be a butterfly. Her wispy world represented her cocoon, and she preferred instead to wrap herself in music.

To everyone else, she was a capable and functioning woman. She felt less than capable, and was not compassionate with herself. There were many careless mistakes she made, and she saw it as a sign that her attention was elsewhere. It was hard for her to be forgiving because her errors were foolish and expensive. More than a few bills went unpaid, but she tried not to cry over anything related to money.

The princess was determined not to wallow in self-pity. Her courage was something she continued to take pride in. Although she had no regrets, sometimes she had deep sadness over all the years lost living as a zombie.

The doctors told her that eventually her eyesight would improve. But for now, she was suffering so much and living in discomfort.

She was determined to accept it. By allowing for pain, she knew that pleasure would return again for her someday.

The princess never gave up hope. Hope was always her true message. She would emerge from her cocoon and take flight with beautiful wings into the sky.

In her past, she had suffered losses that were much more difficult. When she grieved, her world was silent and sad. Music continued to bless her life and she drank in her magical elixir. Even without the eyesight of her youth, her music transported her to beautiful places.

And so it was, that at her lowest point her faith was rewarded.

With her eyes were closed, she suddenly felt herself immersed in a shower of gold coins. The very thing she hadn’t expected began to lightly tap upon her. She looked up into the sky and all the rocks that she was carrying dropped aside as the gold coins sprinkled around her.

The coins sparkled and would light the way now to make her path easier.

It was clear. She would continue following her heart. This was such a beautiful sign. The timing was amazing and reminded her again how she was blessed.

She thanked god.

Tags:cataract surgery complications, challenges, composing, creativity, eyesight issues, GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, No Words, original songs, So Real, Songs about bereavement, songs about grief, songs about loss, songwriting, voice lessons, writing
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IT’S NO SECRET ANYMORE

March 20, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

I share here a recent new vocal for my song “Set You Free.” In the latter half of my song, I cry while singing because I deeply miss my father who died 9 months ago. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

I also share here a brief recent audio clip from my voice lesson last week with Kimberly Haynes:

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/17/13 BLOG EXCERPT

“Setting myself free”

I had planned to release my first audio book early this year, but now I’ve decided to record new vocals for the songs that accompany my book’s stories. Much of my current writing and new songs are material for a second audio book that I plan to create.

For such a long time, my children and husband were skeptical and annoyed with my confidence about the new direction in my life. I stopped sharing anything about it with them and kept everything to myself. The joy that came from my music and writing was tempered by the fact that my family saw no monetary value in it.

Although my income as an illustrator had considerably shrunk from what it was a decade earlier, I still had a steady revenue from my stock illustrations. I always held out faith that there would be a custom assignment; occasionally they came along to fuel my faith just when my self-esteem was at a low point.

Once again, this happened for me! It might be awhile before I post again because I received a large project this week. I will be painting many fruit illustrations that will be used on yogurt labels for a national brand.

A quick photo taken with my cell phone, I sit in that chair and sing vocals for my songs.

“I go to places that heal me”

I could not have passionately pursued my love for writing and music without separating from my husband. There are arranging and recording costs that I now bear – and gladly. Although my soon-to-be ex thought he was supportive, I felt uncomfortable continuing to spend our money on something he felt was a drain. It was as if I was keeping a secret from him. Initially, I didn’t feel that way. But one day I woke up to the fact that I was only able to truly express myself through my song lyrics. The sadness of that overwhelmed me. People who read my blog and heard my songs understood me better than my own family!

With my separation, I heard this line from my husband of: “You probably need to go out and get a job.” Initially I thought that might be true, especially since I wouldn’t have health insurance.

But life is all about choices. Certainly, when I went to buy my first car in 20 years – I didn’t splurge on a sports car! (I leased a Honda Civic, which I am enjoying). I’ve chosen a frugal lifestyle in order to pursue my passions. With my father’s death, living in the coop where I grew up was a wonderful opportunity for me. I am also thankful to have both of my brothers supporting me in this decision; they have really been there for me. I plan to pay them for their interest in the coop once my former home sells and I receive money from it.

I see great value in what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I am unapologetic. I believe I am the richest woman in the world!

There is a wonderful line in my song “The Unknown.” It is: “I go to places that heal me.” That is what my life is about; I heal myself and hope to heal other people, too.

Below are some words I wrote two months ago. With my divorce agreement pending, it was not in my best interest to talk about how devoted I am to my music.

Prior to rediscovering my love for music and writing at the age of fifty, my career was one as a commercial artist. Throughout the time I was an illustrator, my children were my highest priority.

My firstborn child, Jason died at the age of five. Because he had a congenital heart defect, I needed to by very involved with his care. I was fortunate I worked at home and was able to be alert to his needs.

For many years, I also advocated for my three living children in order to obtain whatever services they needed in school. When I began my blog, I wrote a lot about them and what being an advocate entailed. My motive was to help others who were also struggling with similar issues. I also wrote to release trauma I carried due to many tough situations involving my children.

Six months after writing about those experiences, I deleted most everything that related to my family. In the beginning, they gave me permission to write and share things about them. But many things changed after I suddenly “woke up” and was not the same person I was before I found my joy.

My family did not want anything to change, especially the doting mother that I was before.

When I started writing my blog and singing again I never imagined that I’d find something completely separate from my children to write about!

I was illustrating fruit when I was seven.

My professional fruit illustrations-

I might never have discovered my love for writing and music if my career as an illustrator had continued to keep me busy. When I was receiving a lot of work, I managed to juggle all the things I dealt with related to my children, parents and household responsibilities.

But gradually my workload diminished and custom assignments were rare.

Many of the people whom I worked with in that industry were also left without jobs – art directors, designers and agents; there were so many people who needed to reinvent their careers. I bemoaned how computers decimated artistry and eliminated so much of the human creative process. I complained how digital paintings were nothing compared to my original watercolor paintings. But then I completely readjusted my thinking!

A close-up of one of my watercolor paintings.
I love the fuzz on the stem, which I created with colored pencil.

Music, writing and art combined with my computer have made my world richer than any palace on earth!

I believe that this time period was the perfect one for me to be born into. The computer has allowed me to create things that I never believed were possible. I love how I can type fast and furiously to capture the words I hear in my mind.

But I do not use my computer for composing my songs. They are done with a pen and paper and my beloved acoustic guitar. Writing song lyrics is a process that I find quite mysterious. I do not choose to write them. I hear a song and when I sing, the words are there.

I have composed and recorded unique guitar arrangements for many of my songs. I transfer my recordings to a computer where I can edit them. Then with the help of my arranger, George, instrumentation is added until my song becomes a magical symphony. The process of editing vocals was something I taught myself. I compile a vocal line using the best parts of numerous takes.

Creating unique images for my blog also gives me the opportunity to utilize my artistic abilities on the computer. I’m adept at Photoshop and love using my own artwork and photographs.

Overall, the computer has made writing, music and illustrating fantastic for me. I believe there are no limits to what I can do creatively. And there is one simple reason for it.

It is because I have given myself permission.

At the age of 53, I’ve decided this time is my renaissance. I embrace it and I love it!

My statement of giving myself permission to allow for creativity is a huge one. On so many levels, it is about believing in myself.

I really do feel that I have a lot to offer the world. Allowing myself full creative expression after decades of stuffing everything inside, has allowed me to heal. The musical of my life is exploding from my heart and I cannot hold it back anymore.

Plus, I’ve decided that this is my life and the way I want to live it. Even without a “real job,” I am determined to find ways to continue my renaissance. I have dedicated my life to creating music, songs and stories, which I hope will inspire and heal many people.-

A Recent update:

Dear Family and Friends,

I have a few things I can share – a lot has been going on for me! First of all, my children are doing well. They are adjusting and I am proud of all three of them.

For two months, I have had some continuing eye issues. I followed my good friend, Dr. Sam’s suggestion and saw a retinal specialist outside of my HMO for another opinion. It turns out that the fogginess in my left (and right eye, too) is a separate issue from my floater episode. There is a remaining edge to a cataract, which sometimes intrudes and is cloudy – a simple laser procedure can eliminate the cloudiness and solve my problem.

The procedure is scheduled in two weeks. I am trying hard to find out if it could happen sooner.

My divorce is proceeding. There are many issues left regarding back support and money related to our homes that our lawyers are working on resolving. But child and spousal support has begun for me! The agreement was signed at the end of February.

Our home went on the market a week ago. It sold for well over the list price – we had 8 offers! The housing market is definitely cooking. Escrow opens on Monday and our broker said it would take 17 days to be sure if our sale will go through or not. So I am crossing my fingers. My husband and oldest son do not yet know where they are moving.

My mother continues to hang in there. She cannot communicate much – but she still recognizes family and she can say, “I love you.” I go out with her to lunch in a restaurant two times a week. Miriam (my mom’s companion) dotes on her and my mom adores her.

I am living in a small coop/apartment with two of my children in North Hollywood. I have been devoting myself to my music. I found a wonderful recording studio near my apartment where I am recording vocals for the music CD that will accompany my book. The musician helping me is named Darrin, he is extremely talented and his parents have become wonderful new friends of mine.

But my music must pause briefly because I was awarded a large illustration assignment this week. It will keep me very busy for a while. Things are definitely looking up for me!

Love, Judy

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Door.” I have not yet publicly shared two of my songs. I plan to share my song “The Door” very soon.

Below are clips from a discussion about it with my former vocal coach Peaches in July of 2012. Clicking the blue links play audio:

PEACHES LESSON A – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

PEACHES LESSON B – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

These are my lyrics for “The Door” in progress. These are lyrics that I didn’t use.

Lyrics for “The Door” in progress; I didn’t use these particular ones.

Tags:acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Art and Illustration, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, digital illustration, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, floral painting, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing and grief, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, watercolor painting, watercolors, writing
Posted in Healing and Hope | 6 Comments »

ONLY TEARS – PART 2

February 7, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the blue link below to play audio:

–

ONLY TEARS INSTRUMENTAL

ONLY TEARS

We were children; we grew up so fast

We were confused; our plans were so vast

With uncertain careers

I want to touch you

But I only feel tears

We were concerned; our future was scary

We were so close; soon I will marry

Childhood disappears . . .

I want to touch you, but I only feel tears

Oh, my friend, it won’t be long

Before our touch is a memory

One day we’ll be older; we’ll know where we are

We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far

We were so crazy and I love you today

Will we stay close?

You might move away

With the passage of years . . .

I want to touch you, but I only feel tears

Oh, my friend, it won’t be long

Before our touch is a memory

One day when we’re older; we’ll know where we are

We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far

Now that we’re older, our stories are clear

I’ll feel you with me; you may not be near

Our love perseveres

I want to touch you

But I only feel tears

Music and memories intertwine for me. I can clearly remember when I was twenty.

I lived a lifetime during a single day back then. At the beach with my friends, playing my guitar – I was complete. All of us knew those days were made in heaven.

There was a favorite 70’s song that I always played during that time. It fit in perfectly with the words: “Please, don’t let this feeling end – it’s everything I am, everything I want to be . . .”

Those lyrics were from the theme song “Ice Castles,” also called “Through the Eyes of Love.” My friends would take turns warbling through the verses and together we would all sail along on the chorus. We sang our hearts out and certainly wished those beautiful feelings would never end.

In 1980 six months before my wedding, I composed my song “Only Tears.”

I have so many beautiful memories of singing my song. It was dedicated to all my friends – but I felt it was especially for my friend, Cheryl. She loved this song and I remember when I first composed and shared it with her. Her doe eyes sparkled back at me and I am emotional just remembering that moment.

I even sang my song aloud in the dressing room before my wedding took place.

Then not long after I was married in 1981, my music ended . . .

Until almost 30 years later when I picked up my guitar again in 2010.

At the same time I was finalizing my first audio book, I began to select songs for my second book. My most recent song, Angel in the Sky, especially gripped my heart. But I forced myself to continue onward because in addition to writing new songs, I wanted to redo some of the arrangements for my older songs.

I arranged my song “Only Tears” in 2010. I enjoyed experimenting when I first began arranging songs with George. My first arrangement had a country feel, complete with drums and electric guitar, but didn’t touch me.

I decided I wanted a new arrangement for “Only Tears” that would fulfill my sentimental vision for this song.

“Only Tears” was written during a golden time in my life, shortly before I was married. I sang my song whenever I was with my girlfriends, but my song was a special gift to Cheryl, who was my closest friend at that time. She loved my song and I even made her a painting that incorporated calligraphy of the lyrics. Many years later, Cheryl told me how she often looked at my painting and would always treasure it.

I was graduating college when I wrote “Only Tears,” and my lyrics expressed uncertainty about the future. Because I was getting married, I had some doubts over whether my friendships would endure, and that was the reason for my tears.

Four years after I wrote my song, Cheryl married and moved away. So my song actually was a prophecy, because ultimately I lost touch with almost all of my friends. Yet it was beautiful how later in my life, I reconnected with many of them, including Cheryl.

Cheryl died from breast cancer in 2008.

I found it interesting that I finished my new arrangement for “Only Tears” only a few days before the five-year anniversary of her death. A week ago, on the night of Cheryl’s death anniversary, I decided to revisit her breast cancer website (Caring Bridge).

The last entry on that website was one I had written; it was from 2009. When I wrote that message four years earlier, I expressed how sad I was that Cheryl would not see her fiftieth birthday. At that time, I had not yet begun to play my guitar again.

On February 1, 2013, I wrote a new message on the Caring Bridge website. And that same evening, I began to sing vocals for my new arrangement.

I also called Cheryl’s 91-year-old mother.

I had hoped I could give her mother comfort by sharing how Cheryl would always live on in my heart. Sadly, the last time I we had spoken, her mother had deeply withdrawn into her grief.

When Cheryl’s mother, Blanch, answered the phone that night, I was perturbed when she did not remember who I was. She said she didn’t feel well and hung up on me; it sounded like I had woken her up.

After that, I decided to call Cheryl’s brother. He didn’t answer, and I left a message. As I hung up the phone, I was sad.

The loss of my close friend was something I was alone with.

There was another reason that my grief for her had surfaced.

A few weeks before, I saw on Facebook that Cheryl’s daughter had gotten married. I felt both joy and sorrow, because I remembered how excited Cheryl was over my wedding, she loved being involved with all the planning – and even cared more about it than I did!

I just knew Cheryl was terribly missed at her eldest daughter’s wedding. I was glad her children were moving forward in their lives. I was happy for her husband who had remarried.

When I worked with George on the new arrangement, my eyes were bothering me. I tried not to focus on it and allowed my music to heal me.

So it was on the night of Cheryl’s five-year death anniversary, that I began to sing vocals for my new arrangement. It definitely helped me feel better.

Singing “Only Tears” soothed my sadness because I could hear Cheryl softly whispering in my ear. I imagined that somewhere in a distant sky she was hearing my voice.

My grief was not lonely anymore. I was filled with love for her.

My original song sheet from 1980.

Once again, I share my passion as a singer/songwriter with two recording clips from my voice lessons with Kimberly Haynes. When I am sharing music, I am filled with laughter and joy. Kimberly is completely inspiring for me. Clicking the blue links plays audio:

LESSON KIMBERLY A – 2/3/13 BLOG EXCERPT

LESSON KIMBERLY B – 2/3/13 BLOG EXCERPT

I had almost finished writing my post about my song. It was hard for me to believe that five years had flown by since Cheryl’s death.

My phone rang and I saw on the caller ID that it was Cheryl’s brother. I eagerly answered the phone – there was a lot of catching up for us to do.

When our phone call ended, I had to catch my breath.

It turned out that only a few days before I had called Cheryl’s mother, she had received a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

LINKS TO STORIES ABOUT CHERYL:

#57 AN ATTACHMENT FOREVER

#58 I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER YOU

#59 THE PLACE INSIDE MY HEART

#60 I CAN FEEL LOVE AGAIN

#62 ONLY TEARS – PART 1

#268 ANOTHER YOU – PART 2

#290 ANOTHER YOU – PART 3

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cherylkessler

Feb 1, 2013

Dearest Cheryl,  I know you cannot read this, but on this five-year anniversary of your death I feel the need to write to you.  You are still alive in my heart. I think about you often and feel your presence. I hear your voice and your laughter. Sometimes, it’s so easy for me to picture us together. A smile spreads upon my face as I recall some of the most wonderful memories of my life.  A few weeks ago, I saw on Facebook that your oldest daughter got married. A pang stabbed my heart. I was so sad that you weren’t there. I know that your absence was certainly felt, how I wish things were different. But life and death are mysterious and there are many things I do not understand.  I remember how we used to dream about what the future held for us, as we wondered where our lives would go. Cheryl, I’m grateful for our memories. My tears are sweet and filled with love.

© 2013 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:breast cancer loss, Cheryl Kessler, childhood friendship, college memories, composing, creativity, death, death from breast cancer, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, loss, loss of a close friend, loss of a friend, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage and friendship, Music, oh my friend, Only Tears, original songs, playing my guitar, singing, songwriting, voice lessons
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

NEVER GONE AWAY

January 28, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Clicking the blue links below will play my song:

NEVER GONE AWAY INSTRUMENTAL

-NEVER GONE AWAY

I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

and when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

It always seems to me, that whenever I was down

your hand was the one holding mine

but your fingers I’ll let go of now; how I long to hold on

you’ll touch so many others when you’re gone

I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

Sometimes I will stop and wonder

you’ll know what I am feeling

I’ll hear your laughter in my mind

I’ll remember all our special moments

They’ll run by with a tear

You’ll leave, but in my heart, you’re still here

And I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

Jan. 20, 2013

Hi Tersia,

I am going to just send you messages of comfort. You do not need to reply unless you have the energy. I feel sure you will get these messages. Just read them and don’t feel you must respond to me.

I love to work with photos in Photoshop – I am sharing with you some creations I’ve made.

Just know that at this moment I am contemplating that you are numb. That is a form of protection – it is too impossible to come to grips that Vicky is gone. There is no right or wrong way to do things. I know everything feels bizarre and unreal. I remember I couldn’t understand why I was still alive – it was so very awful.

I know that Vic’s memorial service will be beautiful. Not sure if you’ve had it yet, but perhaps you can record it. It might bring you comfort later on.

Hang in there, Tersia.

Love, Judy

Jan 22, 2013

Hi Tersia,

I am continuing to write to you. You have entered the awful hole. You are now a member of the bereaved mother’s club. No one wants to join this club.

I read your post. The numbness is very bizarre. What purpose is there left to living – where did she go? I remember it all.

I continue to compose and sing. I was stunned when I wrote and recorded my new song “Angel in the Sky” just two weeks ago. Never has such a beautiful song come out of the sky to bless me. It is many years along for me – so I can sing about my angel with sweetness and without pain. I dream of when that time will come for you. For now, close your eyes and think of Angelic Vicky holding you tight.

Jan. 23, 2013

Hi Tersia,

Tersia, what can I say? I read your post. It is unbearable. There are no words. I think every bereaved parent suffers the helplessness of being unable to save his or her baby. Vic is your baby. The horror of her ending will eventually fade, but your opera has begun.

The amputation of a soul – there are no words for it. You will emerge from the fog, you will get through this – and you have already been through so much already. You had goodbyes – something that many bereaved parents long for. But with the goodbyes came god-awful suffering and trauma. How can you let go of that?

I think of the lyrics from my “Angel” song – “My lovely light – just not in sight.” Vic will always light your way now. She is not in sight – but that doesn’t mean she isn’t with you.

Jan. 24th

Dearest, dearest Tersia,

My song is completely for you now – please let me know of any feeling about Vic that I might add to these lyrics. I heard your wail before you even released it. It goes on and one . . . I KNOW!!!!!!

You’ve held your wail back for sooooo long. Such a dear stoic woman have been. Please know that tears are important – you are filling your own ocean now.

With love and understanding, Judy

Link to Tersia’s blog: Never Gone Away

Link to more information about Tersia and her blog: TERSIA BURGER

On Jan 28, 2013, Tersia wrote:

Dear Judy

I am numb and today I just wanted to die.

But then I read this email and saw the great picture you had Photo-shopped and I was filled with gratitude…It is my favorite photo of the two of us!

Thank you for your love, understanding, patience and support! You are an amazing person! I hope we will meet one day! Vic had a thing for butterflies, so I truly could relate to this beautiful song! Thank you for sharing it with me.

I will repost this on my blog with credit to you. Thank you dear friend.

with love and gratitude, Tersia

Dear Tersia,

I just came home from the ophthalmologist to see your message. I am having a tough time with my eyesight in one eye – it’s blurry. He said that there is blood that will reabsorb eventually and my eyesight will improve. But it could take a year!

I have been crying easily, lately. My music still helps me, but I am discouraged. I get headaches looking at my computer so much.

But then I remind myself that I have overcome many challenges before in my life. I’ve survived the death of a child. I will get through this.

Being in touch with you reminds me to have deep appreciation for life. Look at what Vicky (and you) went through – she would have given anything to live – even if she were blind!

Glad to hear you liked that image. I will make it into a painting and ship it to you soon. I do believe I will meet you someday.

Love, Judy

© 2013 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Tersia Burger and http://www.tersiaburger.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:Caregiving, child's death, death, death of a child, dying, end of life, farewell, Friendship, going away song, goodbye song, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, Hospice, impending death, inspiration, instrumental music, loss, lovesong, lyric writing, lyrics, mother daughter relationship, motherhood, Music, music therapy, musical comfort, musical inspiration, original songs, palliative Care, saying goodbye, separation, terminal illness, terminally ill, Tersia Burger, writing
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I’LL TRY HARD NOT TO CRY

January 24, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

When I listen to my most recent musical creation, I am taken straight to heaven!

Clicking the blue link, will play my song:

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “Never Gone Away.” Many of my songs have evolved and changed. I was amazed how at the same time I decided to do a new arrangement for “Never Gone Away,” I befriended a mother and her dying daughter.

My song turned into something completely different from where it started!

I have tried and tried to find a replacement line for “I’ll try hard not to cry.” Those words are not really positive, but they are honest.

Denying tears is very common. Since the feeling behind my song was about a mother saying goodbye to her dying daughter – I channeled what I imagined was the mother’s tremendous stoicism.

After my son died, I released my stoicism and constantly cried when I was alone. My favorite places to cry were in the shower or when I was driving. I wrote that during my bereavement, I cried enough tears to fill an ocean.

I believe in tears. I think crying is a healthy outlet. Tears lead to healing and releasing them are very important. But somehow, as the years went by – I stopped expressing myself in many ways. I preferred to deny tears, and soon ended up feeling nothing at all.

I appreciate my life now so much because I can express my emotions after decades of a zombie-like existence.

Although I do wish I were more joyful; I have no doubt that I will be again. Currently, I have extremely stressful circumstances in my life. I feel confident that I am coping as I continue to compose, write, edit my book, as well as support two teenagers.

Recently, some of my friends have remarked to me that my blog has been too sad. I even heard this: “There are plenty of suffering people in the world; reaching out to them is unhealthy and is bringing you down.”

I do realize that my friends are concerned about me; their intentions were caring. However, I feel I must disagree.

I feel a kinship with bereaved people.

For people who have not truly suffered, that might be difficult to understand. It is unimaginable unless you’ve experienced the torture of trying to get through every second of your day while your mind screams out in pain.

I have written about ways to help and connect to grieving people. But sadly, many people prefer to run the other way. Connecting is the last thing they want to do.

The irony is that grief is random and can strike anyone. No one knows when he or she might join those awful ranks.

My kinship with bereaved people is all related to my healing. I reached out to other bereaved people even when I was in terrible pain. That is why I often recommend that grieving people hold the hands of others who are grieving so they can crawl forward together. I know that it was very helpful for me.

And now that I am much father along on my grief journey, I can offer so much more and receive back even more.

I have a wonderful way of looking at what I can do to help people grieving.

I am a butterfly.

My wish is to help those who are suffering understand that the darkness of grief could be a cocoon from which some day they will emerge. There are no guarantees, but I offer that possibility.

I am sincere when I say that I am not suffering anymore over my child’s death. I feel peaceful on his birthday and death anniversary. I have reached a place of acceptance!

I still cry when certain memories surface and even while singing. I allow it because I treasure those beautiful emotions. When I think of my dead child, I am uplifted into peacefulness and spirituality.

When I wrote the lyric line “my lovely light, just not in sight,” I allowed my subconscious to channel those feelings.

Helping grieving people reminds me of my blessings.

Instead of bringing me down, nothing has ever lifted me up more than knowing I have made a difference for someone who is in terrible pain.

Sometimes, life holds challenges at every turn. There are many forms of grief and pain. It is appropriate that I am hurting as I wade through a divorce, watch my mother deteriorate with dementia and cope with eyesight issues.

At this moment, I am grieving other things in my life. That is why I have announced that I am still healing. I achieved clarity with my friends’ concerns. It was understandable for them to feel that way, because I even wrote on my blog that: “I absorbed their pain.”

But I realize that I carry only my own pain dealing with current challenges, which has been lightened as I help others.

The process of healing accelerates for me with the knowledge that I am capable of healing!

I celebrate that I’m no longer anguished over my son’s death anymore. I allow for tears and celebrate my ability to inspire others to heal.

For me, nothing could be healthier!

This is a picture from Jason’s last birthday, 4 months before he died.

I love seeing my big smile (this is from when I was 18), which I plan to never lose.

I continue to share my recent musical creations. Recently, I expanded upon one of the songs that will be part of my audio book. It is an arrangement of a guitar instrumental piece, which I named Farewell. It was recorded in 2010 and my story about it was named MY FAREWELL TO MUSIC.

The word “farewell” stirs up memories of a poignant goodbye. I’ve said before that I believe life is all about arrivals and departures.

A big thank you is due to my childhood friend, Steve de Mena, who is responsible for creating fabulous mixes of my songs on Protools, in addition to sharing and teaching me the program.

Click the blue link below to play my song:

FAREWELL-1/20/13 Guitar Instrumental

I enjoy reading other people’s blogs. One special blog that has been especially helpful for me is: Daily Divorce Meditations. The author, Dee Dee Wood recently commented on my blog, which really touched me. She wrote:

Judy… every time I re-read this story about the loss of your son… I just want to reach through the computer and hug you as hard as I can… D.

Today, when I was writing this post, I stopped for a moment to read her blog. It knocked me over because her words related perfectly to what I was writing! Here is a portion of what she wrote:

Being of service, being the light in someone else’s day, putting my own problems aside to share my strength, hope, experience with others, reminds me to be grateful for the day, and how much I have to give to those in need.

Sometimes I can be oblivious to what is really going on inside of me, until I have some type of revelation. Overwhelmed by too many commitments, struggling with issues regarding my self-esteem, worn, tired, straying from my spiritual path, it is as if my Higher Power suddenly throws someone directly in my way, who says the exact words I need to hear, or gives me exactly what I need in my life, to have a moment of clarity that brings my true world back into focus.

january-22nd

On my last post, I had a Facebook exchange with a woman named Carol. Our on-line conversation continued the next day. I share her words now (in brown).

Hi Carol, It was nice to hear from you. By the way, yesterday I mailed you a CD.

    OMG, YOU MAILED IT YESTERDAY? I AM LOOKING FOR IT, GIRL!     I am so excited about getting your CD.     My husband listened to some of your songs and he loved what he heard and wants more! LOL

That’s beautiful that your husband listened!

I love all your songs, but I need to understand how to read a blog. I don’t have much experience there, but I will learn. I love you, Judy. You will never know what you have opened my eyes up to. I have written songs since the age of 13. I stopped writing, since my son died. No, even before. I have tons of stuff I have written, just scared to show anybody. But you lit a fire underneath me.    

Don’t overwhelm yourself. Just remember, writing can start with a simple memory. I started my blog by reconnecting with a woman whom I helped with grief only two years after my son died. She continues to be very supportive of my writing.

You know, I have won awards for some of the writing…nothing that means anything. Just little things .

No award is a little thing! You have talent and it has been latent. Now those seeds can grow. I  lived for 30 years without my songs. I did rewrite lyrics for my son’s funeral to help myself get through it. But in 2010, I picked up my guitar at a very low point. My mom was ill and I felt completely alone in the world. Music healed all of my pain. I rediscovered my songs and then started writing new ones. I progressed so much in such a short time. But most of all, I discovered joy again. My songs erupted and I wrote a song named “The Unknown.” It expressed how unhappy I was with my marriage. Then I wrote a song to help me find my courage.

I never believed much in God, but decided that I was blessed by this gift. I am going to get through any challenge because music helps me! If I can help you, then God is allowing me to spread my blessing. I share to help others feel better and inspire hope. Carol, please know that your gift is waiting to be reopened and to shine. It never left and will blossom as you express and free yourself from pain!

I don’t know where to start…

Why don’t you start a blog? Just write and write – it’s kind of like a journal. You might also find other people reading your words and responding – it grows and grows!

Wow, this sounds like a great idea… but you’re going have to walk me through it.   I love you, Judy.

I love you too, Carol. I will gladly help you. There’s no way you can fail! I was just writing a story about why I am so involved with grieving people. I am perfectly fine with what I’m doing and if people find it sad, they can read something else!

All your stuff, is absolutely amazing.       I am divorced and am remarried.  I cheer you on to share the beauty that is in your heart with others.  You are a beautiful thing.

Thank you for believing in me. I actually believe someday I will reach a lot of people. For me, the destination is not as important as the journey. I am staying positive despite unbelievable challenges. I wasn’t meant to be exposed or find fame until the time is right. God continues to bless me with more knowledge and my voice has also improved since I didn’t sing for 30 years.

Leaving my husband was the only way I could do this; to have the courage. I believe I will even touch more people than just those who have experienced grief. There are a lot of divorced women who will be cheering me on!

You have had to overcome challenges that even I don’t know I could have done.

Thanks, Carol. I go back and forth between writing to you and writing my story. Writing to you is part of my story and crystallizes everything. It doesn’t bring me down when I can inspire you to rise up. That was what I was writing about!

Tonight, I had a friend help me in my new digs set up a microphone for recording. I have a lot of songs that need new vocals. Once I get my book done, I’ll be starting a second one with lots more songs!

Judy, I will never judge you, just encourage you, edify you and pray for you, because I know you would do the same for me. I have not scrolled through all my poems, all my songs, until I met you. You have actually inspired me to write again. My husband can’t believe it.

Then I thank you for adding to my beautiful story about why I love what I am doing. It’s all about love. I healed from my grief because of my love for my son and what he wanted for me. You will heal, Carol. It is so hard – but I see it!! I am going to go to bed now – but I have a smile on my face.

The best part about writing is that it is so healing. I waited 18 years, but if you can do it after six years – you can inspire even more people about healing!

Recent email message to a friend:

Sunday, January 22^nd

It was so nice of you to be concerned about me. I have not been emailing my friends as much, but I have been writing a lot for my blog. I am still in limbo as far as signing a divorce agreement.

Lately, I’ve been reaching out to other grieving people to offer comfort. A friend told me that it probably wasn’t good for me to do this because it was “bringing me down.” But the truth is that I am down and helping people gives me a lot of satisfaction.

I have not felt great physically. Today, I had a bad experience. I saw something black go into my vision – then it dissipated into threads and my vision was foggy in that eye. I went to Urgent Care and the ophthalmologist who examined me said it was a large new floater and there was retinal blood in the back of my eye. But my retinas were intact and eventually I would get used to this new floater, which I’ll add to my collection. Ironically, it looks like a music note!

My vision is so annoying and looks worse than before my cataract surgery. 50% of the vision in my left eye looks brown. I’m trying not to let it make me miserable, but it hasn’t been easy.

I can share that I have been doing wonderful things musically. I’ve created about five new arrangements in the last few months. Last week, I wrote a beautiful new song and I love it. I’ve also started taking voice lessons with a new teacher. She is wonderful and I hear so much improvement already!

So that is my life in a nutshell. I hope you are doing well. You know I often think of you and care about you very much.

Love, Judy

Ps. My mother continues to hang in there, but when I saw her yesterday, she did not look well. She had mild pneumonia and a urinary tract infection last week. On Saturday, I visited her but she would not open her eyes to look at me. I have done well accepting that she has left my life.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Caregiving, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, dementia, floaters, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing and grief, healing from grief, helping others, hopefulness, inspiration, instrumental music, instrumentals, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mental-health, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, musical arrangements, musical inspiration, optimism and grief, original songs, songwriting, spirituality, uplifting music, writing
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YOU’RE MY ANGEL

January 19, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

My newest song emerged one week ago. I have never written, nor arranged a song this quickly. It gives me chills!

I finished the arrangement today and sang a vocal with my old mic. I could hear cars rumbling in the background! But because I feel so inspired, I don’t care about revealing something that isn’t a “final product.” I am also sharing an acoustic version of my song, where I simply sing and play my guitar.

Clicking the blue links plays audio:

ANGEL IN THE SKY ACOUSTIC

ANGEL IN THE SKY INSTRUMENTAL

LINK TO VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE

ANGEL IN THE SKY

My love for you grows over time

with every song and every rhyme

I dream about your sweet embrace

your sparkling eyes; your beautiful face

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

love can never die

so you must know I miss you so

my angel in the sky

Your precious smile glows in my mind

you uplift; and are my gift

When I die; you’ll take my hand

my lovely light, just not in sight

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

love can never die

so you must know I miss you so

my angel in the sky

My energy lately has been directed toward reaching out to comfort grieving mothers. I joined a Facebook group and have been writing messages of hope. I am certain that reading about all of the children who were “Angels,” inspired me to write my song.

Last night, I noticed that one mother was sharing songs and inspirational videos. I wrote a message to her that I had songs I could also share; I figured she was someone who could appreciate what I had to offer.

How beautiful that by offering her comfort, I was blessed with a response that lifted me up. Her words were like a soothing balm that eased my doubt and gave me back my dream.

My dialog with Carol started when I shared my song “Beside Me Always.” She announced to the group that she had listened to my song and her words are in brown.

A woman named Judy just gave me a link to her beautiful songs. I just listened to one and it was beautiful.   

Thank you, Carol! I find that music is something that has comforted me. My son died 20 years ago and I started to sing again in 2010. I compose music and it has helped me to heal from my grief. Your words mean a lot. I just wrote a new song this weekend and I am thinking you would like it. I named it Angel in the Sky. If you have an email, I’ll send it to you.

Thank you! I just listened to one of your songs on your blog. But there was no way I could share it. How come? It is beautiful. Do you have a link to YouTube?

I do have one live performance on YouTube, but I haven’t gotten around to putting anything else there.

I already found it and left a comment for you. I truly love your music. Oh my god, you are gifted. Your songs are so comforting. Can you send me the song you were talking about? Angel in the Sky?

It’s unfinished, but I already sent it to your email. I am not selling my music yet. I’ve concentrated on creating an audio book to tell my amazing story. I healed from grief when I allowed myself to sing again after 18 years. All of my music is from my heart and Jason (my angel) inspired many of my songs. Thank you for appreciating my music. If you have an address – I’ll mail you a CD! (Free, of course) 

It’s funny, but just last week both my sons insisted that I would become successful if I put videos on YouTube. I’m a bit shy about how I look performing, but I do love sharing my music.

My total focus is to help others heal as I have!

GIRL, PARDON THE CAPS, BUT YOUR SONS ARE RIGHT! I am going to check out my email. Love you, girl. Be back after I listen. Hope you’re still on here.

I am smiling because it is wonderful to offer hope and inspiration. I understand the hell of grief. It is an amputation of the soul and there are few words to describe it.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I can make ends meet by doing my music and writing. But I feel certain that I have been blessed with a gift to help others and I plan to continue doing it as long as I can. Feel free to share my music and words.

My music and book will be available in a few months. And then, I’ll plan on doing more promotion and YouTube stuff. Thank you again, Carol! 

Oh my god! I have tears running down my face. I just wish I could share it. My little sister needs to hear Angel in the Sky. She lost her son last year to Leukemia.

Also Judy, your vocals are fine!

Please post this song to my Facebook. I would buy your CD in a minute. Without the blink of an eye. My nose is all stopped up. But in a good way. Your voice is totally unique. You know how Adele’s voice is unique? Yours is the same way.

Now I am crying. I am so insecure about my singing voice. Thank you!

Judy, I have lost 9 people in the last six years: My son, my dad (four months after my son died), two friends, my mom, my aunt, grand mom and my nephew. God and music have saved my life.

Carol, you have had a lot to deal with. I am sorry. All of those losses are hard and that is a lot in 6 years. Your father dying 4 months after your son is heartbreaking!

I wasn’t religious, but when music came to me my life was filled with joy. I’ve decided that god blessed me and I am very spiritual now. I don’t care if I die tomorrow. I believe my writing and songs will live on.

Let me listen to all of it….it soothes my soul.

I usually write a new song every other month. My passion is having my songs arranged, but I am certain that what I spend on my music will come back to me. It makes me happy and after living with sadness for so many years, I feel I deserve it!

My 16-year-old son tells me to be realistic; that I won’t be able to support myself with music and writing. I just keep telling him that I will succeed. For me, success is about just touching one person; that is enough for me. You made my night, Carol.

Judy, if I wanted to sponsor you, or help you, how would I do it?  I am just a middle class person, living paycheck to paycheck, but I believe in you.  I believe in your music and your heart. How could I help?  I would love to send at least $20 a month to just help. I want to see your music on the store shelves.   

Oh, Carol, thank you for your kindness. Your words are all I need to help me continue.

I have faith and what you’ve said is worth more than money. I’m inspired to keep going knowing I’ve touched you.

This picture was taken when I was visiting my parents. I could not have imagined then that 25 years later I would be living in my childhood home, which is on the right side of this walkway.

Tags:acoustic guitar, angel in the sky, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, performing, precious smile, singing, songwriting, sweet embrace
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YOU FLEW AWAY

January 14, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This past weekend I wrote a new song. It will be named “Angel in the Sky.”

My new song has caused me to be quite weepy. Lately, I cry easily and my emotional state has been affected by thinking of Tersia, my new friend in the blogosphere and her dying daughter.

I have no judgment about the tears that birthed this special creation. The process of composing a song is like nothing else and I look forward to sharing it soon.

For several months, I have immersed myself in grief. I read other peoples’ sad words and then I write optimistic messages to them. A few weeks ago, I wrote these words on one of my posts: “I absorbed their pain.”

There was no question that my heart was aching when I wrote that. Was I really helping other people with my optimism or bringing myself back into my former sad world?

I’ve written many times that the amputation of my soul was a permanent condition. And I’ve also said that grief is not recoverable.

Such a contradiction to announce that I have healed!

Last week, I delved into this inner conflict during my hypnotherapy session. I decided that I wasn’t actually absorbing other peoples’ pain. The circumstances of others simply triggered my own grief and sadness. I was drawn to it.

So in order to be more consistent, from now on I am going to say that, “I’m still healing,” instead of saying, “I have healed.”

Grief is a process. It will follow me for the rest of my life.

“When I Close The Door”

I wrote a song named “The Door,” which I have not yet shared. For me, going through a door represents entering, as well as leaving.

My former voice teacher, Peaches Chrenko worked with me for over two years. Peaches moved out-of-state at the same time that I separated and moved. When that door closed, I missed the haven where I once shared my passionate love for music and songwriting. I longed for our laughter and felt sadness closing in on me.

Finally, I decided it was time for me to open a new door. For over a year, I saved the name of a woman whose voice mesmerized me. I knew immediately from the moment I heard her sing that I wanted to learn from her someday.

I have now had three lessons with Kimberly Haynes. She is an inspiring and beautiful person, as well as a wonderful teacher.

I have not recorded any new vocals for five months. When I do begin recording, my voice has improved once again. Over the course of my musical journey, my voice completely changed. I didn’t even know I had a voice after not using it for thirty years!

I would love to share a few exciting concepts that I have already learned from Kimberly.

1. While singing, breathing really shouldn’t be the focus. It is more important to maintain the feeling of staying inflated by not blowing out the air. I learned that I could sing resonant and super high notes without using any air at all.

2. Although vocalizing comes out of the mouth, the sound is not good when it’s blown outside of the mouth. It is the chamber in the back of the vocal chords that creates a beautiful sound. Inspiration and a feeling of ah (and awe) are helpful to achieve the proper placement. Vowels should be general and not strongly pronounced

3. The two components to the voice are: red voice and blue voice. Red voice has the fullness of the vocal chords and a “meatier” sound. I have never used my red voice. Blue voice is breathy and has a lot air because it uses a higher ratio of air to vocal chords.

The goal is to achieve a seamless transition between those two voices, and to master them for effects and a full sound.

This picture was taken shortly before Jason died on his fifth birthday.

E.mo.tion.al (adjective) inspired by emotion, affected by emotion, expressing emotion, stirring emotions

From the time I began this blog, I have openly shared my musical rediscovery, a journey that is still unfolding. I actually became proficient at audio editing by listening to recordings from my voice lessons and creating clips for my blog.

A few weeks ago, I began deleting old clips because people are busy and I was doubtful that anyone ever listened to any of them. But then, I changed my mind. They document my journey in a unique way and I’ve enjoyed sharing them.

Therefore, below are audio clips from my voice lessons with my new teacher, Kimberly. On the very last clip, I became extremely emotional during our lesson.

My blossoming friendship with Kimberly is very touching. I am grateful that I opened a new door in my life.

My passion for music and songwriting continues.

–

Clicking the blue links plays the audio:

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT 12-23-12

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT A 1-5-13

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT B 1-5-13

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT A 1-13-13

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT B 1-13-13

Tags:child's death, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, Hypnotherapy, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, singer, singing, singing lessons, songwriting, vocal coaching, vocal concepts, voice lessons
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HOW I LONG TO HOLD ON

January 3, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Across the world, in South Africa, a mother and daughter are preparing themselves to say goodbye. Tersia is the mother; Vicky is her daughter who is dying. A month ago, I discovered Tersia’s blog and began corresponding with them.

I decided to dedicate a song to them. I performed my song in order to share it with them (because I do not have a recording setup for vocals in my new apartment yet.) I emailed a recording of my performance to Tersia.

On Dec 30, 2012, Tersia wrote:

Dear Judy:

I deliberately did not open your email, yesterday. I knew that I would cry and I wasn’t ready for tears . . . Things are really very difficult at the moment! I played this song to Vic tonight. We had a long discussion about “letting go.” It was as if an angel prevented me from opening the email until the time was ripe.

Vic has this insane fear that we will forget her…. Your song’s words were comforting and reaffirming to her tonight. It brought some solace to her soul.

I don’t have words so I shall only say, “Thank you, Judy,” from the bottom of our hearts.

Fond regards, Tersia

Dearest Tersia,

I am floored that you wrote to me while your daughter is dying at home. My heart breaks for all of you! Deep down, I didn’t imagine you would be able to read my email or listen to anything with what you are dealing with. I know that you’ve received hundreds of messages, and I am so honored you found a moment to write to me.

What courage you had to share this with Vicky! Let her know that this song will continue on and inspire many, many people. But most of all it is for you. You can channel all of your love to combat the black hole of grief because you know she WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU!

Instead of you thanking me, I am thanking you! I am crying because there is so much meaning to my life to be able to share these things with you and Vic! Thank you for allowing me to do that!

Thinking of you both with love, Judy

Clicking the blue link below will play the instrumental version of my song:

NEVER GONE AWAY INSTRUMENTAL

An Update on Tersia and Vicky

Tersia’s blog can be accessed with the following link: Vicky’s Final Journey

How does a person blog when dealing with a life crisis? I can answer that. When my father was dying, I left his bedside at the hospital to come home at night. But instead of sleeping, I would write in order to release my emotions.

Since my last update about Tersia and Vicky, a lot was left to my imagination. Mostly, I prayed that Vicky’s pain was manageable. There were no updates from Tersia for a few days. But then her posting began.

For certain, the pictures that she shared are what truly spoke.

On the post “Happy Birthday to You,” Tersia wrote about feelings on her birthday, knowing very well that it would be the last one where she still had her daughter alive. Her post shared sweet memories; somehow, Vicky was convinced to go into a swimming pool. In South Africa where they live, I guess it isn’t winter!

Tersia with her beloved daughter, Vicky

Tomorrow may be better than yesterday

January 3, 2013

Vic is rapidly deteriorating. Last night the nausea was absolutely relentless. With no food in her stomach Vic vomited blood. Her vitals are very unstable and I thought that she would not survive the night. I cried and slept in her bed with her.

Today Sr. Siza tried to put up an IV drip. Vic has absolutely no veins left that are suitable for a drip. The sub-cutaneous driver is back up. At this stage of the game the risk of cellulitis is less than the need for pain and symptom control. We will reposition the subcutaneous driver as and when we need to.

Dr. Sue suggested that Vic be admitted to hospital. Vic refused.

On the 1^st of January 2013, Stepping Stone Hospice and Palliative Care started operating. It is pretty ironic that Vic may well be our first death.

But then again, tomorrow may be better than yesterday…. Today was better than last night.

Vicky and her son, Jared

© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Tersia Burger and http://www.tersiaburger.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:Caregiving, child's death, death, death of a child, dying, end of life, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, Hospice, impending death, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric writing, lyrics, mother daughter relationship, motherhood, Music, original songs, palliative Care, terminal illness, terminally ill, writing
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