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WITH ME – PART 2

May 21, 2013

This post is dedicated to my father. Today would have been his eighty-ninth birthday. One year ago today, he went into a coma and died five days later. My song “With Me” was written a month after his death.

Clicking the blue link below plays audio for my song, for which I’ve recorded a new vocal:

I look at the clouds and see your face

You’re watching me; smiling from space

Not sure where I’m going or when I’ll get there

But you are with me; you’re everywhere

When I’m discouraged, sometimes I crawl

You hold me up so I won’t fall

Not sure of my life now or where I will go

But you are with me; that much I know

With me, when I was born

With me as I mourn

With me in every song

You’re with me to keep me strong

With me every day

With me in every way

With me and always near

You take away all of my fear

Not sure of my future, but I’ve always known

That you are with me; I’m not alone

Though I can’t see you; you’re not in sight

Through the darkness you are my light

Not sure what will happen or how things will be

Yet I am certain, you are with me

With me, when I was born

With me as I mourn

With me in every song

You’re with me to keep me strong

With me every day

With me in every way

With me and always near

You take away the fear

With me when I cry

With me when I die

Watching my life unfold

You’re with me, as I grow old

You’re with me . . . as I grow old

My parents’ wedding portrait from 1950.

Oh dad, how quickly this year has gone by since your death. I can easily picture that moment when you died. You opened your eyes and I watched as your soul was lifted to god.

I was so blessed to have such a loving father as you. With mom’s dementia, we became close and were a comfort to each other.

I hated that you suffered so much. Even though you were in terrible pain, you were always worried about me. I miss having you there to worry about me. But on the other hand, I am very relieved that you are not here worrying about me!

I waited until you were gone to end my marriage; we talked about it and you completely supported me. But it was best that you did not witness my transition; it would have caused you great distress.

I loved sharing all of my excitement with you about my journey. At first you were skeptical, but later on you really had so much faith in me. You even listened to many of my audio stories and gave me feedback. I’m sorry that it was painful for you to listen to some of my stories. You said you could not bear hearing about my grief and suffering.

Dad, I still feel blanketed by your love. I look at clouds and imagine you watching me. If I close my eyes, I can hear your voice. When I cry, I feel your tears raining upon me from above.

I stay positive because I prefer for you to beam from heaven instead of crying.

You are with me always.

My parents gave me so much love and I still can feel it.

Things I wish I could tell my father:

Dad, I have been very careful not to let eggshells fall into the sink. You always told me not to put them in the garbage disposal because they turn into sand and cause problems.

I’ve tried hard to continue to grow my fingernails. You were so thrilled about that. Recently, I have had a few lapses where I’ve bitten them, but I’m certain I will overcome this.

I’m sorry we didn’t eat at IHOP (Pancake House) the week before you died. When you started to cry about it, I told you that it was easier to go to a different restaurant that day. I know you wanted me to find ways to make my life easier and I hoped you’d get over it. Now I regret it very much, especially because you went into a coma on your birthday.

Dad, you always raved about the eye surgeon who did cataract surgery on both you and mom. I knew you would have been happy knowing he did my cataract surgery, too. Only a few months after you died, I had my surgery.

I told this doctor how much you worshipped him before he operated on me. Even though he was an excellent surgeon, I know that if you were alive you would be very aggravated about my current situation.

Dad, I still carry your favorite “sand pillow” in my car. You wanted me to have it for you when you went to the dentist. Yesterday, I had an appointment and memories came back to me of us going together to that dentist shortly before you died.

You were in so much pain that day and still grateful that I took you to that appointment. You were elated just to be with me, even if it was going to the dentist!

I try not to correct other people by telling them to say “well” instead of “good.” I wish I felt well, and I try hard to stay positive because you loved me so much.

You would be proud that I am working on an illustration assignment.

And when I spent an hour dealing with Medi-Cal issues for mom yesterday, I could feel your sympathy. I heard you say, “Don’t deal with it, cut back!”

Unfortunately, I must deal with many things related to mom’s care. It is amazing the way she clings to life and I am blessed that she is comfortable and not in pain.

Thank you for leaving enough money to pay for her companion, Miriam.

The sale on my former house is going through. Thankfully, it came just in time so that there will be money for me to buy the coop and have funds to pay Miriam.

Your grandson misses you so much. He treasures the coin collection you gave to him and talks about it all the time. He tells me that he tries not to chew on ice and stands up straighter because he hears your voice. I hear those things, too.

His college graduation is tomorrow. You were trying hard to stay alive to see that day. I know you’ll be sitting right there with us. It is because of you that my son is who he is today. He has grieved you deeply and I remind him that you wouldn’t want him to be sad.

I wish there was some way that my brothers could reunite. I wish I could do more, but honestly I’m incapable right now. If you were still alive, you could not bear this – I know.

I realize now that you planned for me to live at your coop. Thank you, dad. You continue to take care of me from heaven.

© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, comfort while grieving, composing, dad died, death of a father, father's death, father's illness, grief, GRIEF RELATED, grieving a dad, grieving a father, grieving my dad, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, with me, writing
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MY TEARS I HIDE

May 17, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

The princess considered her music a “magical elixir.” It swirled around her like a soft blanket of comfort; it was indeed enchanting the way it soothed her soul.

Music was her true companion; it was such a special friend. Sometimes, she even envisioned a musical fairy dancing around her. The fairy’s name was Melody and God had sent this beautiful fairy to help her.

Melody was very attached to the princess and thankful that she could ease all of the princess’s sorrow. One day, God told Melody that the princess would face even more challenges. Melody wept because she wasn’t sure the princess could overcome sadness anymore.

For the past month, Melody had stayed close to the princess. She was so relieved that the princess was slowly lifting herself off the ground. Most of the time, the princess stayed positive and treasured the many wonderful aspects of her new life.

She did not miss the dragon and soon he would be leaving their castle. Their castle held many memories; sad ones, as well as happy ones. Now the castle had sold, and the princess realized that she never even bid it farewell.

It was too much for her to think about. For the moment, she decided that she far preferred her tiny cottage; to her it was paradise. She did have smaller dragons to deal with. At times it made her crazy, but she maintained her sense of humor. Her children were destined to be princes and princesses and she hoped that one day they would discover that.

She had dispelled a great deal of her sadness. The webs in her eye were still there, but she focused on other things.

But the spider named Sadness had other ideas. One night, she crept into the princess’s bed. The princess awoke to discover that suddenly webs were completely obscuring vision in the eye she relied on.

At first, she was incredulous. But then, the princess went into deep despair. All she could do was cry and grieve the vision she once had. She withdrew in sadness. The white spider had succeeded.

Melody alighted upon the princess and gently tried to lift her spirits. The princess’s lip trembled and her voice was shaky as she tried to continue singing. Melody swirled notes around the princess as the princess closed her eyes. Even though the webs were unbearable, Melody wove her magic within the webs as she cried along with her.

Once upon a time, the Princess began a journey to touch many people. Now the princess could barely remember when she was joyful. Her ocean of tears had returned.

Melody embraced the princess so tightly. The princess would journey with Melody and a white spider named Sadness for now.

Email message to a friend:

Yesterday, I had a big disturbance in my GOOD eye. Just like what happened to my left eye in January, the gel separated from the eye wall in my right eye. There are large areas of blurriness (from blood) and dark floaters everywhere on both eyes now. I am very discouraged. This is even harder and I am overwhelmed!

Today, I happen to have an appointment to see my eye surgeon. I waited three weeks for this appointment and it was to deal with dryness and inflammation – not this! I want to scream and cry. I hope I can hold it together.

I feel like I am walking through life with a filthy windshield now. All of my words to help other people with grief now apply to me. I hate this situation but have no alternatives.

It is very hard focus on anything. Thank god, for the music that is helping me now.

Message to a tennis friend: (my words are in blue)

I am having MORE problems with my eyes. I had another episode of bleeding inside my good eye. I’m very discouraged and do not feel like playing tennis tomorrow. I’ll play if you can’t find anyone – but I am definitely not in a good place.

My friends reply:

I don’t have another player but what can I say if you don’t want to play???

I’ll be there. I’m just having a tough time. But playing is probably good for me, even if my eyes are crummy. I have acuity, but not clarity. It’s hard to explain. I’m not blind, but I hate what is going on!

The next day, I drove to play tennis. I hardly had slept the night before. My mind crackled on and on; like a radio blaring it was noisy. I could hear my own audio stories with words that loudly echoed through my mind. I was thinking about my story named Grief 101. There was a part where I stated my true feelings about grief. I was angry with God and said: “How could you give me this amazing gift and then take it away!”

My eyesight could not possibly be comparable to my dead son, but I was grief-stricken. How would I live with this situation? What was my alternative? As I drove, I concentrated so as to drive safely. But blurriness and shadows were swirling everywhere. Later in the day, I would see my eye surgeon. However, I knew that there was nothing he would be able to do to help my vision. Seeing him was awkward. He felt he had done his part. He was an excellent surgeon and my cataract surgery was considered successful. Unfortunately, I had so many complications, which were probably a result of my extreme nearsightedness.

I openly sobbed as I drove. This was too much! I put on music to soothe myself and heal my pain. But still, pain and sadness were shooting through every fiber of my being.

The last thing I wanted to be doing was to be playing tennis at a country club. My Friday game was normally played at a backyard tennis court. But today it had been scheduled at this club because our usual court wasn’t available. I hoped I wouldn’t see anyone I knew. I wore dark glasses and held back tears as I exited my car.

My body was heavy and I felt very vulnerable as I held my racquet. I began warming up and was grateful that I could still hit the tennis balls with my annoying eyesight. This was certainly better for me than hiding in my apartment.

After a short while, I decided it was actually a beautiful day. I closed my eyes and felt a soft breeze. I inhaled the aroma of chaparral from the nearby hillside. Perhaps life could still be decent, even if my vision stayed this way. I was determined to find a way.

I was introduced to another woman player who was filling in for our group. When I told her I was going through a divorce, I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. I quickly let her know it was my choice and briefly shared my story. Then she said, “Well you must be happy about your decision, because there is definitely a glow coming from you.”

I was surprised to hear that. I didn’t feel like there was any glow about me. I accepted her words and was pleased that despite my pain I could still smile.

The two hours went by and as soon as it was over, I fled to my car. I needed my music to soothe me immediately. I was in an emotional crisis because I began crying again.

But playing tennis was excellent information for me. My eyesight was acceptable because I could still hit a tennis ball. I had actually played fairly well and that amazed me.

Later that day, I had an appointment with the ophthalmologist who had done my three cataract surgeries. Just as I expected, he explained to me that no treatment existed for annoying floaters; eventually I would get used to them. He examined my retinas, and they were intact; I was grateful about that. He did say that my dryness and inflammation could be treated with another eye drop medication. I left with a prescription. He said it would take at least several weeks before I would notice any improvement. His last words were, “Do not call me for another appointment until at least six weeks go by!”

I walked to my car with my eyes still dilated. My discomfort was so intense, that I began to cry again as I drove home. I stopped crying once I put on my music. Over and over, I thanked god for my musical elixir.

It was clear to me. My annoying eyesight was sucking the joy out of my life.

It made it difficult for me to concentrate and to do many things. It gave me headaches, especially when I was doing artwork. But I could still draw. I could drive. I could still work with my computer and play tennis. How fortunate I was!

My greatest challenge was to find my joy again. I suffered for so many years with grief, and was a zombie for decades after that. My journey had brought me boundless joy. Now I was sad and grieving for my former eyesight!

The insight from this was profound. Perhaps god had another message for me, since the word “insight” includes sight!

Grief is part of life.

In an instant, we can lose something that we take for granted. Time might heal, but moves slowly when you are in pain.

No one else can truly know of our pain unless they are also living with it. I do maintain hope that I will feel better soon, but at this moment I am simply putting one foot in front of the other.

This fairy statue captured my eye during a recent voice lesson with my teacher, Kimberly.

Recent music that I’ve created can be heard by clicking the blue links below. My song “Together” will soon have a post with a vocal. “Alabaster Seashell” is an older song, but it has a new vocal line:

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© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:acoustic guitar, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, composing, creativity, Daily Life, deep despair, eyegel separation, eyesight issues, floaters, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, magical elixir, Music, overcoming challenges, princes and princesses, singing, songwriting, true companion
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YOU WERE THERE – PART 3

May 10, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the blue link below to hear my song:

These blue links are to other stories about this song:

YOU WERE THERE – PART 1

YOU WERE THERE – PART 2

YOU WERE THERE

All my life, every day; you were there when I’d need you

all the time, I just knew; you’d be there

and you’d see me through

I’ve always known, I’m not alone . . .

You were so strong; you’d pick me up when I’d fall down

so I can see all the strength you gave me

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

Everything that I did you’d applaud; you were right there watching me

as I grew, sharing joy and my heartache, too

I always knew, that I had you . . .

Now I’m so strong; I picked you up when you fell down

I’ve learned to see just how strong I could be

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

When you are gone, I’ll say a prayer

and I’ll remember how you were there

This picture of my mother and I was taken outside the coop where I am now living.

This picture of my mother and I was taken in the patio of the coop where I am now living. I see my old bicycle in the background.

My father saved a lot of my childhood artwork. I remembered drawing many of these pictures.

This picture is of my mother when she was young. It looks a little strange due to a photographer’s poor retouching. But my mother still looks very beautiful.

I took many pictures of my mother and I holding hands two years ago. I wanted them so I could create a song cover for “You Were There.” Sadly, my mother has had a terrible nail fungus for two years and her hands do not look like this any more.

For several months I was having more and more problems with my eyes. My eyesight consisted of dancing and annoying areas of shadows, fog and blurriness. I was still able to read, work and drive; I was grateful for that. But then I experienced pain; I felt like there were feathers and webs moving inside both my eyes. It became hard for me to keep them open. I played tennis once a week, but was frustrated and felt a lump in my throat as I kept missing easy shots. Perhaps I would take a break from it; I hated the feeling of wanting to cry and smiling for friends.

Because my eyes bothered me so much, going outside in the sunlight and being with people was hard for me. It was usually easier in those situations to close my eyes. I felt best when I was alone in my apartment; I retreated into my own world. I heard music and it took me to beautiful places instead.

Over the past week, I had followed an eye drop regimen to treat what an optometrist labeled “dryness and inflammation.” In one more week, I had the “first available” appointment with my ophthalmologist. I was not optimistic that my problem would improve.

I was angry at my circumstances, while at the same time having extreme determination to accept my fate. But it was quite difficult.

I had a lot of illustrations to create. As I worked, I concentrated and wore powerful glasses to help me see details. I was relieved that I could still illustrate.

Late at night, I allowed myself to edit the vocals that I continued to record. Mother’s Day was right around the corner and I was facing the one-year anniversary of my father’s death. For those reasons, I concentrated on two songs; one was for my mother and the other for my father.

Memories of their love had me very connected to both songs. I found it beautiful how I was able to channel my emotions into singing.

Ever since my father died, I became closer to my two older brothers. Both of them lived nearby. It was comforting knowing that they cared about me.

But sadly, my two brothers were not communicating with each other. I was grateful to have both of them, but sad about their rift and my fractured family.

Every Thursday, I had lunch with my middle brother, my mother, my nephew and my mother’s companion, Miriam.

On Saturdays, I met my older brother and sister-in-law for lunch with Miriam and my mother. Sometimes, a grandchild joined us.

My brother, Howard, is on my left and Norman is on my right. This was taken 13 years ago at my 40th birthday party.

It was Thursday, and I dashed out the door to pick up Miriam and my mother at the nursing home. As I drove, I enjoyed listening to the new vocals that I had been concentrating on all week. I had only finished assembling revised vocal lines at 1 a.m. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t made any mistakes putting them together when it was so late at night.

But everything sounded great. I always heard things that I wanted to fix, but had to let go of it. I didn’t have time now to fiddle with every song when I had so many to work on. Editing a vocal line probably required at least ten hours for me.

As I listened to my songs on the freeway, my heart was dancing. A few tears escaped and lightly streamed down my cheeks.

I realized that I was glad to be seeing my mother. I couldn’t believe that she was still on this earth. How lucky I was to be able to have lunch with her! I had looked for a Mother’s Day card to give her and my heart ached searching for a card that I knew she couldn’t read. But Miriam would read it aloud to her and display it on her nightstand at the nursing home.

Sadly, my mother’s dementia continued to advance. She became thinner because her memory of chewing and swallowing had faded. Pureed food became necessary, and gelatin had to be added to any liquids.

But she clearly lived for these lunch outings. On good days, she smiled broadly. However, most of time now she was very quiet. When she did try to talk, her words made no sense. Often during these lunches, everyone simply talked as if she wasn’t there. I wondered what she could process and if she was aware of what was going on around her.

Something was definitely keeping her going.

Miriam was waiting for me in the parking lot of the nursing home as I drove up. She pushed my mother’s wheelchair next to my car. I noticed how my mother’s body was in a contorted position and she looked skeletal. In order to get into my car, my mother needed to stand; it was a herculean effort for her.

After Miriam strapped her in, I leaned across my car so I could kiss my mother. There was no doubt that she knew it was me. Whenever I drew close, her eyes beamed with love.

It was clear that my mother was quite exhausted from getting into my car. She began to cough and her spasms were deep; she was rattling with congestion. I reminded myself to call the charge nurse later and check to see if she was receiving breathing treatments.

We arrived at our usual restaurant, and I took a seat. My brother and nephew were waiting for us. I glanced around to look for a certain waitress. In my purse, I had a CD for her. A few weeks earlier, I had told her about my music on my blog. The following week, she warmly hugged me and told me that she had enjoyed reading my stories and listening to my songs. I was touched.

It was always helpful for me to connect with other people by sharing. It gave me a sense of purpose and fueled my journey.

It was interesting though that my middle brother had never heard any of my music. I was hesitant to share a CD with him – I decided it was probably because I didn’t want to impose upon his time. I knew he considered my music and writing a “hobby.”

As I sat looking at my mother across from me, my thoughts drifted. I decided that this was probably my last Mother’s Day with her. It just didn’t seem possible for her to continue this way.

Our lunch went by quickly. My eyes hurt and I closed them whenever possible. I sang in my mind and it relaxed me. I was also preparing myself for the recording session I had in two hours.

Whenever I sang, I was uplifted. I loved connecting with my vocal cords; the sensation was amazing and completely new for me. Singing brought me joy; I even connected with god. Life was great because I had music.

My mother’s cough seemed worse than usual, and it was time to go. I said goodbye to the wonderful people working at the restaurant and hugged my brother and nephew.

Because of my mother’s fatigue, she was unable to stand up in order to get into my car. Miriam ended up lifting her out of her wheelchair like a rag doll. My mother grunted as she collapsed into the front seat.

On a whim, I asked Miriam to take a few pictures of my mother sitting next to me in my car. It didn’t concern me that I had not spent one iota of time on my appearance. I only wished I had thought of it earlier, before my mother became so tired.

As I drove back to the nursing home, I was excited to share my new vocal for “You Were There” with my mother and Miriam. I plugged my iPod into my car’s audio system. For over ten years, my old mini-van did not have a working radio. Now that I was leasing a new car, I loved listening to music and as a result, I really enjoyed driving.

The notes of “You Were There” began to fill my car and all of my sadness dissipated. My heart was bursting with joy.

I looked over at my mother and her eyes were closed. Then I turned around to look at Miriam in the backseat. Miriam was mouthing the words to my song. I could see her eyes were glistening in the sunlight.

We were at a stoplight and I felt compelled to lean close to my mother so I could whisper in her ear. I said, “This song is for you mom. Every word is absolutely true!” I was surprised when she lightly nodded.

A moment later, we arrived at the nursing home. Miriam jumped out and I popped the trunk so she could take out my mother’s portable wheelchair.

My song was almost over. It softly ended with violin strings playing the last note. I gently unbuckled my mother’s seatbelt and she opened her eyes.

“I loved seeing you for lunch, mom.” Then I asked her, “Did you like my song?”

Her lips softly moved. Her words were clear and soft. I was stunned. I felt waves of emotion sweep through me.

Miriam pushed my mother’s wheelchair through the gate and they disappeared.

Like sweet notes of wind chimes, what my mother had clearly spoken aloud continued to reverberate through my mind.

Over and over, I heard her whispered words.

“I like it. It’s beautiful.”

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Caregiving, composing, creativity, dementia, guitar, I picked you up, inspiration, loss, love for a mother, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, Mother's Day tribute, mother's illness, Mother's love, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, tribute to my mother, You Were There
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MY DREAM STILL GLOWS

May 2, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Below I share a new vocal for my song “My Dream.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Below is a blue link to my story about this song.

Story behind MY DREAM

Currently, I am creating many fruit illustrations for a line of yogurt labels.

It felt strange not to check the box that said “married” when I filled out this form a few weeks ago.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FOG

As the Princess continued her journey, she sometimes wondered how she stayed so strong. She didn’t rely on anyone; she marveled at her strength and determination. What she loved most was that she had not an iota of regret for choosing to follow her heart.

A few months earlier, the Princess emerged from a tunnel into blinding sunlight. But the brilliance quickly faded into darkness. The Princess was able to avoid the holes in her landscape and stayed positive because love continued to light her way. Gradually the inky blackness turned to gray and then the sky became white.

It was then that she noticed a fog had rolled in . . .

The fog was wispy at first, but soon it surrounded her in every direction.

The Princess hated to complain. Despite her awareness that worrying sucked away her energy, she began to wonder if the fog would ever lift. It was extremely annoying. She reminded herself that there was no hurry for her to get to any destination, because she loved where she was going. In her heart, she knew how valuable she was. She loved her journey.

Despite the fog, it was easy for the princess to have faith. When many gold coins suddenly fell in front of her path, it was something she never expected. Material items were unimportant for her, and yet this came at a time when her debt was overwhelming her. She believed there was definitely a message to find with those coins.

But then the fog began to hurt her eyes; and it wasn’t just annoying anymore. The Princess realized she was truly alone, as the fog separated her from a familiar world.

It wasn’t hard for her to be alone, she was just so discouraged by the pain. So she looked at her journey in the fog as an opportunity to find even more clarity.

Her eyes were half closed and she did not have much energy as she gritted her teeth and continued to move forward. Tears spilled down her cheeks easily.

Then the fog began to dance and she felt extreme heaviness. Spider webs appeared in her eyes and she felt her body slowing down. It was exhausting. Now there were silken webs tightening around her feet and pulling with each step. She tried to move, but instead she softly fell to the ground.

Her painful eyes were like slits. She heard a voice and through her half-closed eyes she saw a white spider grinning and cackling at her. The spider was speaking. It’s voice was very familiar and sounded like an old woman.

The Princess asked the spider, “Why are you here?”

The spider answered, “My dear, I am joining you and I know you remember me. There was a time when we spent all of our time together for many, many years.”

The Princess was weak and did not want to answer. But she asked the white spider, “What is your name?”

The spider tiptoed and whispered into the princess’s ear while she was still lying prone on the ground.

“My name is Sadness. Let’s travel together. While I am with you, we can even find many of those old memories that I am a part of.”

The princess felt her eyes glaze over. She was tired of crying and pulling at the webs. It was nice not to be alone anymore. She rested with Sadness and did not move for a long time.

But then the princess began to miss her musical elixir. She softly sang to herself and could feel her soul glowing with pleasure.

Magically, the webs surrounding her body began to melt away.

She ignored the spider on the ground as she stood up.

The white spider began to shriek, “You cannot do that – I am here to stay with you. You have no reason to push me away. I want to keep you company!”

The Princess smiled. She was relieved that she had not lost her ability to smile or sing. She ripped off the remaining webs that bound her and watched them float away. The magical elixir of music continued to fill her heart.

Now that she had vanquished the spider, she was even more certain of her strength. She sang loudly and freely and beamed with an inner glow.

Although her exterior felt ravaged by circumstances, inside she felt quite beautiful. Her appearance might not be sparkling, but that was unimportant for her because she knew it was temporary.

She remained thankful for so many things, but especially to God for giving her the musical elixir to help her. God even blessed her with gold coins to make her journey easier.

There was no reason to stop in the fog. It would lift someday. Until then, sadness would never be her companion again.

And with her music, she was never alone.

Recent email update to my family and friends:

This has been a most difficult time in my life. My eye problems have continued. A month ago I had a laser treatment called a capsulotomy, which treats a common cataract complication. It caused my vision to become clearer, but also left me with more noticeable floaters. I was told that was temporary.

After the procedure, my eyes continued bothering me. I could not shake the feeling that something was inside my eyes; it worsened and became painful. It was like I had spider webs in my eyes! I called my surgeon’s office. The receptionist from the ophthalmology department told me over the phone that it sounded like dryness and I needed to simply use artificial tears. I have been disappointed with the treatment I’ve received since my cataract surgery. When I was told that there were no appointments available, I found myself crying on the phone. Due to my insistence, I was given an appointment to see an optometrist instead.

At that appointment, I was told that my eyelids and tear ducts were inflamed. Steroid eye drops were prescribed and I was told to see my eye surgeon in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I continue to work on a wonderful illustration project. I am thankful that I can easily see my large computer screen, however, working has certainly made the dryness in my eyes much worse.

My project is going well and is a godsend to my life. So far, my layouts have been well received. I am illustrating fruit, which is my specialty.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for. My daughter found a job, my oldest son is graduating college and my youngest son did an amazing job performing in a play at his new school.

The sale of my former home fell through and now a second buyer is having difficulty getting a loan. It will be two weeks before we will know if this sale will go through. I am not terribly affected by this, but I am concerned about the effect on my son and former husband. I trust that things will work out. If this sale does not go through, our home might sell for even more because the marketplace is excellent at the moment.

Music is still an IV for my soul. Even though I work long hours illustrating, I take breaks to sing and record several times a week. I have already recorded vocals for 24 songs and have 14 left. My voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes, continues to help me sing freely with a great connection to my vocal chords. Also, once a week I work on song arrangements with my arranger George.

My divorce will probably become final around the end of the year. I hope you are well and appreciate all of the support you have given me.

Love, Judy

I am so thankful for my mother’s companion, Miriam, who keeps my mother smiling. I feel very close to her, because she has made such a difference to our family with her devotion to my mother.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cryed with joy as we celebrated it.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cried with joy when we celebrated it.

Guess which is the most important tool I use while illustrating? My iPod!

Tags:acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, beautiful music, Caregiving, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, escape through music, guitar, hopefulness, humor daily life, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, metaphors, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, musical comfort, musical inspiration, my dream, optimism, original songs, princess metaphor, singing, songwriting, writing
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

MY DREAM HAS ME BLESSED

April 8, 2013

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This picture was taken on a camping trip when I was in college. Playing my guitar around a campfire was so beautiful for me!

To lift my spirits, I have begun recording some of my love songs. I realize I sing many sad songs, but I also have upbeat ones. Here is a new “vocal in progress” for my song “Crystal Oceans.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

–

In February of 2009, my 84-year-old mother was released from a hospital and into a nursing facility. She had been on a respirator for two months and it was a miracle she recovered.

I started writing my blog a week after that and my journey of insight began. For my very first entry, I shared how giddy I was that I would soon be meeting a producer in the music business. My childhood friend, Joni, had arranged this appointment with Jud Friedman. Here is a paragraph from his website:

6-Time Oscar, Grammy and Golden Globe Nominated Hit Songwriter

I have had multiple nominations for Oscars, Grammies and Golden Globes and hits with songs such as “Run To You” by Whitney Houston, “I Don’t Have The Heart” by James Ingram and “For The First Time” by Kenny Loggins. I’ve written for and worked with artists ranging from Barbra Streisand to Rod Stewart to Ray Charles to, most recently, Charice and Toni Braxton.

I really had no idea where it would lead. I definitely thought the experience would be fun to write about on my new blog.

So I began practicing my guitar again, and I tried to remember some of the original songs I had written as a teenager. It certainly seemed like such a strange thing for me to be doing at the age of 50!

Prior to my wedding in 1981, I was dancing the can-can in the dressing room with all of my bridesmaids. My childhood friend, Joni, was the most glamorous bridesmaid and everyone mentioned how absolutely gorgeous she looked on that day.

I decided to go back to find my emails with Joni about this appointment. Here they are!

February 7, 2010

Judy, I spoke with Jud and he can see you for an hour this coming Friday in the morning at his home. Can you make it? If so, you can meet me at my home and we can both go over together. Or if you would prefer, you can meet him solo. Bring your demo, or guitar or both, whichever you would like. Looking forward to your reply!

Love, Joni

Dear Joni,

I feel my heart palpitating already – OMG. Okay, I’m taking deep breaths. A whole hour? Wow! I think I have about ten songs I could play. That much time is very, very generous of him. Thank you so much for putting this together, Joni! It has added so much excitement to my world!

Is he really hard to get in to see? Because I wouldn’t mind if we met instead the following week, so that I could be more “practiced.” My fingers are so sore, and I hope I’ll be up to speed by Thursday – oh whatever, it’s just exciting to dream.

Love, Judy

P.s. My heart is pounding, I’ve got to try to be calm about all this!

I wrote about the experience on these posts:

#3 CAPABLE SONGWRITER, JUST NOT CONTEMPORARY

#4 REDISCOVERING WHAT I LOVE TO DO – PART 1

Joni and I grew up as playmates. We lived in a coop in North Hollywood from infancy until college. I moved back to that same coop six months ago. My father had died and I needed to sell it. But then, I realized it was an affordable place for me to live when I ended my marriage.

Joni still lived in the same neighborhood with her husband and four children, less than half a mile away. I was always amazed at how many memories both of us carried from our childhood; it was such a beautiful thing to have her as my friend.

After meeting Jud, I was completely inspired. Suddenly, I found myself drawn to playing my guitar again and my journey began!

This blog is a fabulous record of the fairytale my life became as a result of my musical rediscovery.

Currently, two of my children live with me in my coop. One of the biggest reasons that I decided to move back to it was because my 16-year-old son would be attending a new high school that was two blocks away. His school represented a new beginning for him. He would still see his father and older brother on the weekends.

Once again, this all led to another amazing coincidence in my life.

I actually ran into Jud, the music producer while at a school meeting for my son. There he was sitting near me! Jud certainly remembered me because only a few months earlier, I met with him for a second time to share my musical progress. He was very impressed to see what I had accomplished two years later and once again, he was very generous with his time and knowledge.

Now all of this ended up becoming even more interesting!

Last week, my teenage son called me to pick him up after socializing with some friends. They had walked from a bowling alley to a nearby coffee shop.

When I arrived to pick him up, he came out with another boy. Then he asked me if I could give his friend a ride home.

It turned out it was Jud’s son!

For twenty minutes, the two of us had an animated conversation. I told him how wonderful Jud was and how his father had inspired me to begin writing songs again. Jud’s son was beaming and enthusiastic as he spoke about his father and the amazing experience he had attending the Academy Awards as his dad’s guest. It was beautiful to hear about it.

Until I reached his home, we both chattered on about music while I drove. After his friend exited my car, my own son joined me in the front seat. His face was dour. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset that I had discussed my music with his friend. I accepted it because it seemed to be typical teenager behavior.

But then my son told me it bothered him most that I had mentioned Jason and the songs I wrote about him.

He said he did not want me mentioning his dead brother in his presence ever again.

I tried to be calm, but inside my stomach was churning. I explained to my son about grief and memories. Our discussion began to escalate and it was hard for me to contain my sadness. I whispered to my son I was sorry, and then I turned away so he wouldn’t see my tears.

Later on, I found a moment to allow myself to truly cry.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children. This picture was taken at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

My journey began with Joni’s suggestion. Joni knew Jud because her son was dating his daughter at that time.

My journey went in a new and wonderful direction with another one of her suggestions!

Three months ago, she said to me, “Jude, my daughter has a boyfriend and he’s a musical genius. If you are looking for someone who knows a lot about music, I’m certain he could help you.”

I had mentioned to her that I wanted to learn more about music programming and mixing. She texted me his phone number.

Who would have thought my good friend’s children and their dating partners could lead to such amazing things?

I spoke to her daughter’s boyfriend; his name was Darrin Kohavi.

Darrin was an avid songwriter, composer and singer. He played classical piano and worked in the music industry. He came from a musical family and certainly knew a great deal about recording music.

I introduced myself to him and he was very friendly on the phone. I found out later that Joni had already shared my blog with him.

I told Darrin I was having difficulty recording in my coop. It was complicated and noisy. Also, my teenagers hated my singing and I was inhibited.

Darrin gave me a perfect solution. He said there was recording studio less than half a mile from my coop. He explained that it was at his parents’ home. He didn’t live there, but he could meet me there to record vocals. We set up an appointment that week.

Right away, I was elated. Darrin’s recording area was almost sound proof, and he had an excellent pre-amp. We did some test recordings and they were beautiful. He was willing to accommodate me for half hour sessions at a reasonable price.

I was delighted and ready to start recording vocals. We began working together.

Darrin was a soft-spoken and relaxed young man. He had long locks of curly black hair and a sweet smile. Whenever I sang, he always gave me gentle encouragement. It turned out, he was quite experienced from recording his own vocals; he understood so much about what I was doing.

Here are examples of our exchanges:

Judy: (After singing a song five times) I sound raspy, don’t I?

Darrin: Yes, but the vibe is great.

Judy: Have you ever had your voice get raspy like that?

Darrin: Oh, sure!

Judy: Those mouth clicks are driving me crazy! Do you get those, too?

Darrin: All the time!

Judy: Everything was sounding great until my foot squeaked. Has that happened to you?

Darrin: It sure has and you have to watch those things!

Judy: It’s hard to sing when I cry – sorry!

Darrin: Don’t worry; you have lots of other takes to work with.

Judy: Not bad for my first take?

Darrin: Warm up!

Judy: How did that one sound?

Darrin: I liked that one a lot.

Below is one of Darrin’s songs. My daughter tells me his song reminds her of The Beatles. I share it on my blog with his permission. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Love Is All Around – Darrin Kohavi

I realize that going through a divorce, having eyesight issues and living in close quarters with two teenagers has been challenging. My mother’s continued decline is also quite difficult.

But the joy that I receive from singing is my blessing!

Today, I brought a camera along to my recording session to add pictures to my story.

Darrin’s parents are wonderful and if his mother or father had been home, they would have taken a picture of us together. Instead, I captured him at his computer with his dog and he snapped pictures of me at the microphone.

Tags:acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, Darrin Kohavi, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Jud Friedman, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Music and recording, musical rediscovery, original songs, recording, recording studio, singing, songwriting, vocal concepts, vocals, vocals and recording
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

IT’S NO SECRET ANYMORE

March 20, 2013

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I share here a recent new vocal for my song “Set You Free.” In the latter half of my song, I cry while singing because I deeply miss my father who died 9 months ago. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

I also share here a brief recent audio clip from my voice lesson last week with Kimberly Haynes:

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/17/13 BLOG EXCERPT

“Setting myself free”

I had planned to release my first audio book early this year, but now I’ve decided to record new vocals for the songs that accompany my book’s stories. Much of my current writing and new songs are material for a second audio book that I plan to create.

For such a long time, my children and husband were skeptical and annoyed with my confidence about the new direction in my life. I stopped sharing anything about it with them and kept everything to myself. The joy that came from my music and writing was tempered by the fact that my family saw no monetary value in it.

Although my income as an illustrator had considerably shrunk from what it was a decade earlier, I still had a steady revenue from my stock illustrations. I always held out faith that there would be a custom assignment; occasionally they came along to fuel my faith just when my self-esteem was at a low point.

Once again, this happened for me! It might be awhile before I post again because I received a large project this week. I will be painting many fruit illustrations that will be used on yogurt labels for a national brand.

A quick photo taken with my cell phone, I sit in that chair and sing vocals for my songs.

“I go to places that heal me”

I could not have passionately pursued my love for writing and music without separating from my husband. There are arranging and recording costs that I now bear – and gladly. Although my soon-to-be ex thought he was supportive, I felt uncomfortable continuing to spend our money on something he felt was a drain. It was as if I was keeping a secret from him. Initially, I didn’t feel that way. But one day I woke up to the fact that I was only able to truly express myself through my song lyrics. The sadness of that overwhelmed me. People who read my blog and heard my songs understood me better than my own family!

With my separation, I heard this line from my husband of: “You probably need to go out and get a job.” Initially I thought that might be true, especially since I wouldn’t have health insurance.

But life is all about choices. Certainly, when I went to buy my first car in 20 years – I didn’t splurge on a sports car! (I leased a Honda Civic, which I am enjoying). I’ve chosen a frugal lifestyle in order to pursue my passions. With my father’s death, living in the coop where I grew up was a wonderful opportunity for me. I am also thankful to have both of my brothers supporting me in this decision; they have really been there for me. I plan to pay them for their interest in the coop once my former home sells and I receive money from it.

I see great value in what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I am unapologetic. I believe I am the richest woman in the world!

There is a wonderful line in my song “The Unknown.” It is: “I go to places that heal me.” That is what my life is about; I heal myself and hope to heal other people, too.

Below are some words I wrote two months ago. With my divorce agreement pending, it was not in my best interest to talk about how devoted I am to my music.

Prior to rediscovering my love for music and writing at the age of fifty, my career was one as a commercial artist. Throughout the time I was an illustrator, my children were my highest priority.

My firstborn child, Jason died at the age of five. Because he had a congenital heart defect, I needed to by very involved with his care. I was fortunate I worked at home and was able to be alert to his needs.

For many years, I also advocated for my three living children in order to obtain whatever services they needed in school. When I began my blog, I wrote a lot about them and what being an advocate entailed. My motive was to help others who were also struggling with similar issues. I also wrote to release trauma I carried due to many tough situations involving my children.

Six months after writing about those experiences, I deleted most everything that related to my family. In the beginning, they gave me permission to write and share things about them. But many things changed after I suddenly “woke up” and was not the same person I was before I found my joy.

My family did not want anything to change, especially the doting mother that I was before.

When I started writing my blog and singing again I never imagined that I’d find something completely separate from my children to write about!

I was illustrating fruit when I was seven.

My professional fruit illustrations-

I might never have discovered my love for writing and music if my career as an illustrator had continued to keep me busy. When I was receiving a lot of work, I managed to juggle all the things I dealt with related to my children, parents and household responsibilities.

But gradually my workload diminished and custom assignments were rare.

Many of the people whom I worked with in that industry were also left without jobs – art directors, designers and agents; there were so many people who needed to reinvent their careers. I bemoaned how computers decimated artistry and eliminated so much of the human creative process. I complained how digital paintings were nothing compared to my original watercolor paintings. But then I completely readjusted my thinking!

A close-up of one of my watercolor paintings.
I love the fuzz on the stem, which I created with colored pencil.

Music, writing and art combined with my computer have made my world richer than any palace on earth!

I believe that this time period was the perfect one for me to be born into. The computer has allowed me to create things that I never believed were possible. I love how I can type fast and furiously to capture the words I hear in my mind.

But I do not use my computer for composing my songs. They are done with a pen and paper and my beloved acoustic guitar. Writing song lyrics is a process that I find quite mysterious. I do not choose to write them. I hear a song and when I sing, the words are there.

I have composed and recorded unique guitar arrangements for many of my songs. I transfer my recordings to a computer where I can edit them. Then with the help of my arranger, George, instrumentation is added until my song becomes a magical symphony. The process of editing vocals was something I taught myself. I compile a vocal line using the best parts of numerous takes.

Creating unique images for my blog also gives me the opportunity to utilize my artistic abilities on the computer. I’m adept at Photoshop and love using my own artwork and photographs.

Overall, the computer has made writing, music and illustrating fantastic for me. I believe there are no limits to what I can do creatively. And there is one simple reason for it.

It is because I have given myself permission.

At the age of 53, I’ve decided this time is my renaissance. I embrace it and I love it!

My statement of giving myself permission to allow for creativity is a huge one. On so many levels, it is about believing in myself.

I really do feel that I have a lot to offer the world. Allowing myself full creative expression after decades of stuffing everything inside, has allowed me to heal. The musical of my life is exploding from my heart and I cannot hold it back anymore.

Plus, I’ve decided that this is my life and the way I want to live it. Even without a “real job,” I am determined to find ways to continue my renaissance. I have dedicated my life to creating music, songs and stories, which I hope will inspire and heal many people.-

A Recent update:

Dear Family and Friends,

I have a few things I can share – a lot has been going on for me! First of all, my children are doing well. They are adjusting and I am proud of all three of them.

For two months, I have had some continuing eye issues. I followed my good friend, Dr. Sam’s suggestion and saw a retinal specialist outside of my HMO for another opinion. It turns out that the fogginess in my left (and right eye, too) is a separate issue from my floater episode. There is a remaining edge to a cataract, which sometimes intrudes and is cloudy – a simple laser procedure can eliminate the cloudiness and solve my problem.

The procedure is scheduled in two weeks. I am trying hard to find out if it could happen sooner.

My divorce is proceeding. There are many issues left regarding back support and money related to our homes that our lawyers are working on resolving. But child and spousal support has begun for me! The agreement was signed at the end of February.

Our home went on the market a week ago. It sold for well over the list price – we had 8 offers! The housing market is definitely cooking. Escrow opens on Monday and our broker said it would take 17 days to be sure if our sale will go through or not. So I am crossing my fingers. My husband and oldest son do not yet know where they are moving.

My mother continues to hang in there. She cannot communicate much – but she still recognizes family and she can say, “I love you.” I go out with her to lunch in a restaurant two times a week. Miriam (my mom’s companion) dotes on her and my mom adores her.

I am living in a small coop/apartment with two of my children in North Hollywood. I have been devoting myself to my music. I found a wonderful recording studio near my apartment where I am recording vocals for the music CD that will accompany my book. The musician helping me is named Darrin, he is extremely talented and his parents have become wonderful new friends of mine.

But my music must pause briefly because I was awarded a large illustration assignment this week. It will keep me very busy for a while. Things are definitely looking up for me!

Love, Judy

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Door.” I have not yet publicly shared two of my songs. I plan to share my song “The Door” very soon.

Below are clips from a discussion about it with my former vocal coach Peaches in July of 2012. Clicking the blue links play audio:

PEACHES LESSON A – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

PEACHES LESSON B – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

These are my lyrics for “The Door” in progress. These are lyrics that I didn’t use.

Lyrics for “The Door” in progress; I didn’t use these particular ones.

Tags:acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Art and Illustration, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, digital illustration, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, floral painting, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing and grief, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, watercolor painting, watercolors, writing
Posted in Healing and Hope | 6 Comments »

LIEBSTER AWARD

February 25, 2013

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I want to thank Tersia Burger. She has nominated me for the Liebster Award.

Tersia writes with heartbreaking honesty. Her writing about her daughter’s life and death really affected me. Tersia’s blog impacted me so much that I dedicated one of my songs to her daughter, Vicky:

Never Gone Away.

It amazes me how as a result of blogging, I’ve formed a wonderful friendship on the other side of the world. Here is a link that shares more about our friendship when it began:

Music Rescued My Soul

Tersia honors me by nominating me for the Liebster award and I humbly accept!

http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/

Rules of The Liebster Award

1. You must thank the person who gave you this award

2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog

3. You should nominate 7 other blogs

4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves

5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you

6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer

7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post

Seven Blogs I Nominate:

http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/

http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/

http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/

http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/

http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/

http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/

11 Things About Me:

1. My children are everything to me.

2. I am amazed at how many chords and lyrics I have memorized. I’ve composed well over 40 original songs and can play all of them by heart. The guitar parts can be quite complicated and some songs are played in several keys. I still remember many of the several hundred cover-songs I used to play, too.

3. I refused to learn how to use a computer and avoided learning to email for many years. So now I am very proud of how proficient I’ve become. I’ve found the computer is an incredible tool that truly assists me with music, art and writing. My excellent English and typing skills have been very useful for blogging. I am adept with Photoshop; it also has been very handy for me. I am proud and grateful that I embraced the digital age after resisting it for so long. I can’t wait to start recording my second audio book!

4. When I began my blog and started writing in 2010, I never would have believed it would lead to me to the decision to divorce my husband after 31 years of marriage.

5. Occasionally, I miss painting with watercolors, but my passion for art has been overshadowed by music. When I record and hear a new song, my heart bursts with joy. I usually cry when I’m singing. My songs are like babies. Nothing moves me like music.

6. I treasure my smile. I love to laugh and enjoy telling puns. It both irritates and amazes my friends.

7. I am very dangerous on the tennis court. All of the women whom I play women’s doubles with would agree. It is such great therapy for me to hit a tennis ball. Unfortunately, it is embarrassing when it rockets into my opponent’s face!

8. Although my mother has dementia and cannot understand much, she lights up when we’re together and exudes deep love for me. I bask in her light and appreciate that I’ve had her as long as I have; she is a miraculous survivor. She inspires me with her ability to hang in there, and I believe it’s because of her deep love for life and family.

9. I miss my father who died last year. But I feel him with me, especially since I sleep in the same bed and bedroom where he used to.

10. I love to write and express myself. My guitar is my best friend. I especially love dreaming about where my life will go. But if it remains the way it is now, I’m perfectly fine with that.

11. I am extremely open and honest. I can easily share my intimate feelings. My music rediscovery blossomed as a result of my opening up and I know that I’ve touched many people with my writing and music. When I began my blog, I shared many personal details about my children because my life was focused upon them for many years. I am grateful that I was able to move from writing about them to discovering my own life!

MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS TO ANSWER FROM TERSIA:

1) Are you addicted to your STATS?

Unfortunately, yes. Sometimes, I’ve added up the minutes per day checking them and realize it takes up a lot of my time. But I keep doing it!

2) What country do you live in?

The United States.

3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?

I loved my fiftieth birthday where my dear tennis friends surrounded me. I also loved my fortieth birthday, which was a surprise party given to me by Norm and Jo (my brother and sister-in-law) and my parents. For my next major party (sixtieth) I’d definitely want my children there and perhaps 20 friends.

4) What is your favourite post?

My favorite post on my blog is: All I have left after the death of my child. I love it because it crystallizes everything that I express with my writing and music. The picture of my deceased son, Jason, biking with ET, gets me every time. He was such a happy child!

Inspiring hope of healing is what Jason wants me to share with the world. Our love is as deep as it was when I last cradled him in my arms, even though it has been twenty years since he died.

–

5) Who is your inspiration when writing?

Since childhood, I’ve written hearing a voice in my mind that I’ve called “Judy of the Future.” I always listen for her wise voice. I do believe that God inspires me now. I lived without faith and disliked religion for years, even more so after my son’s death. But now I feel blessed and inspired. I understand my purpose in life and accept that I’ll die someday. My life is precious.

6) Introvert or extrovert?

Both. I love playing my guitar and writing while alone. I also love sharing with other people. I have a lot to say in both cases!

7) Why do you read my blog?

I came across your blog, Tersia, while searching for blogs about grief. I wanted to carry my message of hopefulness to people in deep grief. But your blog had me bawling because unlike helping people who have lost a child, your daughter was still alive and suffering. I couldn’t imagine anything I could do to help. I didn’t expect to hear back from you when I shared my song “Set You Free.” Then you turned my world upside down by posting it and announcing how my song helped you. What more is there in life than to make a difference to another human? When you told me that Vicky listened to my music while she was dying; I cried picturing that!

8) Favourite quote?

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

9) Favourite holiday location?

Right where I am. Since I’ve given myself permission to pursue my passionate love for writing and music – my life is like a holiday. I am a workaholic who doesn’t feel like it’s work.

10) How long have you been writing?

I discovered I loved writing in the sixth grade when I was eleven years old. My teacher was certain I’d be published someday. I tried to share with her that I published a maze book when I was in eighth grade, but she had already moved away and I didn’t know how to contact her.

–

Autograph Book from Elementary School

11) Favourite TV show?

This is hard to answer. It’s embarrassing because I hate television with a passion. It was always turned on in my bedroom and I searched for ways to ignore it; listening to music helped somewhat. If I could travel back in time to when I did enjoy TV, it was a very long time ago. Okay, here it is: Thirtysomething. It was such a wonderful show and I still remember many of the episodes.

I love old pictures. I was about 9 years old in this photo with my mother and brother, Norm.

11 Questions For My Nominees:

1. Are you able to express your true feelings? When you can’t, how do you deal with it?

2. Do you wake up to write because it can’t wait?

3. Do you love chocolate? If not, what is your favorite delight?

4. Is exercise a chore or something you enjoy?

5. Do you imagine what you will be doing ten years from now? Will you be happier?

6. What is your favorite color and how does it make you feel?

7. Are you good about backing up your computer?

8. What is your favorite song that moves you?

9. What is your favorite post on your blog?

10. Do you dream?

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 1”

I love inspiring other people.

A week ago, I spoke to a woman named Carol whom I reached out to on a Facebook grief site. We had some lovely exchanges, which I’ve already shared on my blog.

Last week, I received a message from Carol with a request from her for us to talk on the telephone. We both live on opposite coasts of the USA; Carol lives in New Jersey and I live in Los Angeles.

I called her and we were both on the phone for two hours. Carol wanted to discuss ways that I could share my music and writing with more people. It was very exciting for me to hear her ideas. I began to dream again about where my book and music would go.

Finally, I told her I was tired. I was going to go and pluck my guitar before going to bed.

I ended up propping up the phone on my music stand and playing a concert for her!

I sang while bending over near the phone. When I finished my first song, I picked up the phone. It was quiet, so I said, “Carol, are you still there?”

I heard a sniffle and her voice was teary as she said, “Oh my god, oh my god, you are making me cry – keep it coming, girl!”

I couldn’t believe that I was playing my guitar to someone I had just met over the phone!

Our exchange ended with Carol gushing, “Judy, you’ve inspired me to write again! My family can’t believe it. I made them all listen to your audio stories – it was important for me to do that because I wanted them to understand the depth of my pain losing my son. You have an amazing way of conveying that. I want to thank you for changing my life!”

This was taken at an open-mic performance where I courageously sang without my guitar!

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 2”

I was smiling when I saw that Tersia had nominated me for the Liebster Award. I needed that smile because my day had been particularly challenging.

Tersia had posted something about eagles two days before. After studying the requirements for my Liebster Award, I carefully re-read her earlier post. It was all about eagle chicks and what their mother would do in order to teach them to fly.

Her post had me rolling on the floor. It was such a perfect post for my day! I was completely stressed out from issues with both my teenagers.

I wondered how in the world I was going to keep pushing my children without being hated! This was the hardest job in the world and I wished I knew what to do. But after reading about eagle moms, I had a much lighter feeling and a far better perspective. Instead of worrying whether my children might hate me, I needed to continue pushing because otherwise I would actually cripple them.

This was her post and I highly recommend it to any parent with teenagers: I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE

Though I appreciated Tersia’s timing, I was very sad to read that she felt she had smothered her daughter; she ached because her daughter never had the chance to leave her nest. Tersia’s longing and torment was inconsolable.

Suddenly, I felt compelled to write a story about Tersia and Vicky. It was so vivid! I emailed my story to Tersia and this was what she wrote back to me:

“Thank you Judy for writing Vic and my story. I have decided to try to publish a book on Vic’s journey. I don’t have a clue how to go about it but I know, that with your permission, this will be the foreword of the book! Thank you, dear friend.”

ANGEL MOMMY AND ANGEL BABY

The mommy eagle awaited the arrival of her baby chick. But when the time came, her baby was flaccid and close to death. There was little chance her sickly baby would survive. The eagle mom decided to name her child angel baby and prayed she would not lose her. The name was perfect, because her baby continued to live despite all odds.

But the eagle mom was not an ordinary mom; she was actually an angel mom and that was why an angel baby was borne to her. Both of them were special beyond description and surprisingly, neither one knew it.

But everyone around else did. There was no other explanation as to how her baby chick survived. It definitely was miraculous.

Every ounce of the angel mom’s soul went into helping her baby survive. Her baby fiercely clung to survival because of her mother’s love.

While other eagle mom’s had babies that flew, this angel mom had a child that would never fly. How she wished she could help her baby! She decided that not only would she devote herself to her child’s survival, she would teach her sickly angel baby to fly without ever leaving the nest! There were other ways her baby could fly and together they discovered beautiful ways.

It was their secret and her angel baby loved flying. She closed her eyes when she flew; her beauty was exquisite and she glowed.

Angel mom was so devoted to her baby that she never allowed herself to fly. She chose to only fly while holding onto her baby. She never understood that it was this connection that actually gave her baby the ability to fly.

Soon her baby eagle grew up. Her angel baby treasured her amazing life. Her ability to fly without wings was a secret. To outsiders, she appeared to be a suffering and deformed creature.

Eventually though, it was time for the angel chick to fly alone; now she would go to places in heaven. And one day, she would be reunited with her angel mom and together they would fly again.

When angel baby left for heaven, angel mom was heartbroken and suffered horribly. Even though this was something both of them had anticipated for a long time, angel mom had no idea what to do.

Angel mom cried and cried. She wondered why other people had babies that could easily fly and didn’t leave for heaven prematurely. Typically, babies were set free to live.

Instead, she was forced to set her baby free flying to heaven!

Even though she had helped her angel baby to fly secretly during her difficult life, angel mom had no idea how to fly herself.

She was tormented with longing for her angel baby and felt truly alone.

Angel baby didn’t want to leave and was very worried about her angel mommy. In her short life, angel baby touched many people with her courage. She actually flew farther than any eagle could.

She decided to carry a message to her mother. She whispered a story to a friend to share with her angel mommy.

With her story, angel baby reminded her mommy that setting her free was beautiful; just as she had gifted her with life, she had gifted her with death.

All children must be set free. Angel baby wanted to thank her mom and remind her mommy it was time for her to learn to fly. It was never too late!

Angel baby wanted her mommy to know that she was capable of flying. Angel mom would inspire many others to join her while she soared.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, awards, blogger, child's death, composing, creativity, Daily Life, daughter vicky, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/, http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/, http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/, http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/, http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/, http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/, http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/, http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/, Humor, humor daily life, inspiration, Liebster Award, loss, lovesong, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, optimism, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, Tersia Burger, writing
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THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 3

February 24, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This is an example of one of my story covers for my upcoming audio book.

THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 1

This has been one of more challenging times in my life. My eye still bothers me and I have tremendous stress, which I cannot share.

To cope, I surround myself with music. My musical elixir continues to soothe my soul and inspire me. I cannot imagine what I would do without it. A few days ago, a new melody for a song began to play in my life. I am not sure at all what lyrics I’ll write, but I’m patient as I wait for inspiration.

Currently, I am celebrating that I suddenly have found a new and stronger voice. My vocal improvement is skyrocketing into the heavens as a result of working with Kimberly Haynes.

I have a tendency to talk a lot during my voice lessons. It’s because I become so excited by the opportunity to share my passion for music. In order to learn from Kimberly, I try really hard to concentrate. She is gentle, yet firm as she redirects me.

Kimberly is such a wonderful teacher. She is thoughtful as she demonstrates vocalizing, carefully explaining every detail in order to help me achieve the best vocal result. Her steady encouragement and positive approach shines. Once again, I’ve found laughter in my life. During the time we’re together, I work myself to exhaustion, but soar with joy hearing the results. Every week at our lesson, I share songs I’m going to work on with Kimberly. Her input has made a significant difference.

My music heals me in so many ways. In addition to singing, I am forging onward to create new arrangements and instrumental versions for some of my older songs.

Two weeks ago, I began working on a new arrangement with George that simply rocks! It is for one of my favorite songs, “Saying Goodbye.” This song will definitely benefit from my stronger voice.

It is fascinating that I am working on such an up-tempo and powerful song while I am going through a divorce. My song was written when I was 19 years old. I wrote it after breaking up with my future husband, whom I later reunited with. Later on, I revised a few words from my song so I could read them at Jason’s funeral

“Saying Goodbye” is applicable to many areas in my life, so it’s no surprise my song really moves me. My new arrangement is completely captivating. Even though it is not finished, it clearly has all the elements of a great song.

Every time I hear it, I feel my heart racing with joy!

Below is my instrumental arrangement, as well as a clip from a recent voice lesson with Kimberly. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

SAYING GOODBYE #4 INSTRUMENTAL 2/26/13

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt – Saying Goodbye

I often love to write about metaphors; my song lyrics and stories are filled with them.

Therefore, it is no coincidence that I see beautiful metaphors that relate what I’m learning about singing to improving my life. And those same concepts that help me improve as a singer, even apply to my tennis game!

Here are some examples with my interpretation in italics below it:

Before I sing, the best result happens with intense stillness and focus. I must stop my breath before I start. This helps me to better manage my air. I remind myself to loosen my jaw. And most importantly, I strive for the inspirational feeling that allows my vocals to resonate within my larynx. All of those things must coincide and require tremendous concentration.

Recently, I have found myself frenetically moving in many different directions. I believe that by constantly pushing myself, I am simply running away from my own feelings. I prefer not to stop and deal with painful emotions. I make more thoughtful decisions when I concentrate before moving forward. Music has inspired me to stop and listen.

Singing is very intimate and there is great vulnerability with it. Fear, which is one of the greatest inhibitors in life, comes into play for me while singing. I am often afraid to open my eyes and even more so, lately, because they bother me.

Closing my eyes definitely relates to my current life. I have been suffering greatly with accepting blurry vision in my left eye. But if I want to connect with my audience, I must force myself to keep my eyes open.

Probably the most major singing problem I have is my fear of singing out. Somewhere along the way, I decided to sing softly in order to be safe. As a result, I have formed habits of using my throat muscles in an unnatural way. I’ve suppressed my natural voice.

Pushing things down has resulted in unhealthy feelings and behaviors for me. Overeating is one example of this. Holding things in requires tremendous energy. It depletes me and diverts me from truly experiencing pleasure in life.

I am striving to discover a more complete voice for myself and am learning to use my “red voice” (similar to my speaking voice), which strengthens my tone. But in order to do this, I must be willing to experiment. Sometimes, it sounds horrible and feels strange. If I don’t allow for this – with the trust that it will improve, I will remain stuck in my old habits.

This is a perfect analogy about going through a divorce after 31 years of marriage. I uprooted my life, because I felt I deserved a chance to be happy. The adjustment is uncomfortable at times, but I have faith and confidence that things will improve.

I have been a pacifist all of my life. I was always trying so hard to force my children to get along. I never expressed my true feelings in my marriage. My husband and I never had arguments or fights. When I told him I wanted a divorce, we never even discussed my reasons for it. Suppressing my emotions became a habit; I have a lot of fear about expressing anger. Emerging from my divorce represents a new pathway. I am eager to find my stronger voice to express my true feelings again!

“Music inspired, while noise was empty”

I have finally begun to record vocals for many of my empty song arrangements. I started with my most recent song composition, “Music Saved Me.”

Clicking the blue link, plays audio:

This song has one of my favorite stories behind it. Below are links that share more about my song:

MUSIC SAVED ME

WHEN NOISE TURNED TO MUSIC

I am very close to releasing a CD of my music and audio book. Devoting myself to learning about music editing has been a full-time endeavor over the last two years. I want to share just a few things about it.

I taught myself Garage Band, and am adept at reducing harsh consonants and sibilance (S sounds) by using fades. An audio story contains hundreds of fades. Slowly, I am learning to work with the Pro-tools program; sometimes it has been overwhelming for me to take in so much. Below is an image that shows my work on Garage Band.

Reducing T

The countless hours of teaching myself editing techniques has enabled me to create vocals I am proud of. I choose the best parts from many vocal takes in order to achieve this. Now I am faced with deciding whether to re-record some of my song vocals with my improved voice. This is a dilemma. I far prefer to move forward and record vocals for my newer songs instead. I want to reach out and start helping people with my music and stories even if my recordings are not my absolute best.

At this juncture, I am not sure what I’ll do. But I will definitely have an improved vocal to go with the fabulous new arrangement for “Saying Goodbye.”

In addition to drawing mazes while bored in high school, sometimes I created elaborate patterns. My father saved this old drawing of mine.

My passion about singing and music is best shared with recordings from some of my recent lessons. Because people are often too busy to listen, I’ve transcribed parts of these recordings.

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #1

I am highlighting the words, which mention important concepts that truly are wonderful metaphors in my life.

Judy:

I got to sing this week! There was one glorious evening when my daughter went out and my son was gone, too. I sang for two hours. And what happened was my red voice started to come out; it was in all of my songs. I was celebrating it and loving it!

I did a recording a few days ago. I found I had some red voice, but pulled back. What I didn’t like was when I got to the chorus; I wanted to go a little stronger. But when I heard the red voice– I pulled back – it had a funny tone, wavering.

I have a waver in my voice, because when it does get strong, I don’t allow it. I’m afraid to hurt the microphone. I can play you my recording, so you can hear exactly what I’m talking about.

Kimberly:

Your jaw is still very involved – and look, I’m going to show you where your tongue is. It’s pulled back, which means it’s pressing down on your larynx. That causes your jaw to become involved. Also, there are so many things that happen when you compress all of the vowels.

Judy:

It’s so hard to remember to change it!

Kimberly:

You need to have this canister in here. The pharynx has to be blown up like a sail. Otherwise, the larynx pops up – it’s all compressed and there’s no resonance – so it sounds thin. You sing with a breathy voice, its lovely. You sing like that to your baby.

Judy:

But I agree with you, it doesn’t allow me to fully express how I feel if I sing only one way.

Kimberly:

But I think that you’re singing it to your baby. This is an important thing to notice about why you’re singing the way you’re singing.

Judy:

Sweetness and innocence . . . like you said to “a baby,” I’m a “lullaby singer.” Perhaps it’s because I’m healing myself and I’m trying to heal other people.

–

Here, I’ll show you the part that stuck out for me. The words are, “You’re my lovely light, just not in sight.” This was very important for me to express. For people grieving, they can’t cope with the loss. But even if you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there!

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #2

Judy:

Whenever it gets loud. These words have a problem: “Gone . . . Day . . . anything that’s big where I want to express it.

Kimberly:

Explosive consonants.

Judy:

Exactly! I sing the word “Day,” then I feel a waver and I’m tightening it up. At the end of the chorus, I totally pulled back. I really want to be able to keep going with that strength. This is a stronger song.

Kimberly:

So, I’m hearing a lot of breath. This is definitely something to get managed. Say it, “When I was younger.”

Judy:

But it sounds terrible.

Kimberly:

You have to do it, Judy. No matter who you are, if you’ve never used that voice – it’s not going to be this beauteous thing. You’ve got to use it before you can train it.

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #3

Kimberly:

We always sing from stoppage. You can’t have breath management if you don’t ever stop the breath.

Judy:

That’s a very big concept. Yeah, I was practicing that. And it’s so interesting, I’m trying so hard to round the vowels – it’s multi-tasking. I think of one thing and I can’t do the other at the same time. So I can do one or the other, but I’m going to really manage the air on this one.

Kimberly:

Believe me, I’m just going to keep nagging you, so don’t worry.

Judy:

You can nag me for the rest of my life. Trust me, you’re going to be in my head. You don’t know. I hear your voice all the time!

Kimberly:

I hope it’s a nice voice.

Judy:

It’s very nice. It’s all about what I want to do to improve. There’s motivation here. The main thing for me is I like to articulate. And I think there’s a reason for it. For years when I’ve listened to music, I don’t know what they’re saying. And people have totally have told me that they love my articulation because they understand me. So it’s just reinforced that. And I appreciate what you’re teaching me. The problem is that just like another language, my mouth is going there.

Kimberly:

You’re so habituated to over-pronouncing. I have to say I think there’s an enormous amount of power in your voice that you’re trying to suppress in a funny way.

Judy:

Yes! You heard my voice on that old cassette. In my youth, I didn’t worry about it – I blasted!

Kimberly:

There’s a lot of energy there. I think it would be a good exercise for you to just let it fly.

Judy:

In recordings, it’s always sounded horrible if I did that.

Kimberly:

Do it at home. You don’t have trust yet in that voice. You’re over trying. Don’t even worry about it.

Judy:

At least I can find it!

Kimberly:

Yes, It’s fantastic!

Judy:

I just remember that whenever I went to a low note with the blue voice I couldn’t rely on it and I’d have the air push it through. So now when I use the red voice, it’s so much easier. It’s like speaking. Thank god, I’m finding this just in time.

Kimberly:

Now hold that position – hold that speaking idea. We’re not talking, we’re speaking. Over time you will learn how to sing in that voice. See, I’m singing in that voice, but I’m doing it with a light touch. It’s the register; it’s the way that I let my chords come together.

A lot of times, there are muscles that we engage in order not to feel . . .

Judy:

I was just thinking of that! With the blue voice, I was thinking of Julie Andrews and the problems she had . . . trying to keep the breath going and soften things that naturally want to come out by holding it in.

Kimberly:

And she also did over-pronouncing.

Judy:

Oh, she did that, too?

Kimberly:

(Kimberly demonstrates by singing, “The sound of music.”)

Judy:

You’re right!

Kimberly:

Okay, so she was controlling all this stuff with these big, giant muscles out here. And she ended up having some pretty major problems.

Judy:

Later on: (Demonstrating an exercise) I practiced!

Kimberly:

(Smiling with pleasure) You sure did.

Judy:

I did. I’m a good student.

Kimberly:

Ahhh, honey, I’m so happy for you. I’m overwhelmed.

Judy:

Really, thank you. I am, too. Why not? It paid off!

Kimberly:

It’s a beautiful thing when you do that for yourself.

Judy:

I deserve this. I have so many songs that I love!

Tags:composing, creativity, Friendship, Garage Band, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, loss, lovesong, lyric development, metaphors, metaphors about singing, Music, music editing, musical inspiration, musical passion, navigating divorce after a long marriage, opening up, original songs, performing, red voice and blue voice, saying goodbye, singing, singing openly, singing techniques, song arrangements, songwriting, vocal coaching, vocalizing, voice lessons, voice teacher
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I’LL TRY HARD NOT TO CRY

January 24, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

When I listen to my most recent musical creation, I am taken straight to heaven!

Clicking the blue link, will play my song:

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “Never Gone Away.” Many of my songs have evolved and changed. I was amazed how at the same time I decided to do a new arrangement for “Never Gone Away,” I befriended a mother and her dying daughter.

My song turned into something completely different from where it started!

I have tried and tried to find a replacement line for “I’ll try hard not to cry.” Those words are not really positive, but they are honest.

Denying tears is very common. Since the feeling behind my song was about a mother saying goodbye to her dying daughter – I channeled what I imagined was the mother’s tremendous stoicism.

After my son died, I released my stoicism and constantly cried when I was alone. My favorite places to cry were in the shower or when I was driving. I wrote that during my bereavement, I cried enough tears to fill an ocean.

I believe in tears. I think crying is a healthy outlet. Tears lead to healing and releasing them are very important. But somehow, as the years went by – I stopped expressing myself in many ways. I preferred to deny tears, and soon ended up feeling nothing at all.

I appreciate my life now so much because I can express my emotions after decades of a zombie-like existence.

Although I do wish I were more joyful; I have no doubt that I will be again. Currently, I have extremely stressful circumstances in my life. I feel confident that I am coping as I continue to compose, write, edit my book, as well as support two teenagers.

Recently, some of my friends have remarked to me that my blog has been too sad. I even heard this: “There are plenty of suffering people in the world; reaching out to them is unhealthy and is bringing you down.”

I do realize that my friends are concerned about me; their intentions were caring. However, I feel I must disagree.

I feel a kinship with bereaved people.

For people who have not truly suffered, that might be difficult to understand. It is unimaginable unless you’ve experienced the torture of trying to get through every second of your day while your mind screams out in pain.

I have written about ways to help and connect to grieving people. But sadly, many people prefer to run the other way. Connecting is the last thing they want to do.

The irony is that grief is random and can strike anyone. No one knows when he or she might join those awful ranks.

My kinship with bereaved people is all related to my healing. I reached out to other bereaved people even when I was in terrible pain. That is why I often recommend that grieving people hold the hands of others who are grieving so they can crawl forward together. I know that it was very helpful for me.

And now that I am much father along on my grief journey, I can offer so much more and receive back even more.

I have a wonderful way of looking at what I can do to help people grieving.

I am a butterfly.

My wish is to help those who are suffering understand that the darkness of grief could be a cocoon from which some day they will emerge. There are no guarantees, but I offer that possibility.

I am sincere when I say that I am not suffering anymore over my child’s death. I feel peaceful on his birthday and death anniversary. I have reached a place of acceptance!

I still cry when certain memories surface and even while singing. I allow it because I treasure those beautiful emotions. When I think of my dead child, I am uplifted into peacefulness and spirituality.

When I wrote the lyric line “my lovely light, just not in sight,” I allowed my subconscious to channel those feelings.

Helping grieving people reminds me of my blessings.

Instead of bringing me down, nothing has ever lifted me up more than knowing I have made a difference for someone who is in terrible pain.

Sometimes, life holds challenges at every turn. There are many forms of grief and pain. It is appropriate that I am hurting as I wade through a divorce, watch my mother deteriorate with dementia and cope with eyesight issues.

At this moment, I am grieving other things in my life. That is why I have announced that I am still healing. I achieved clarity with my friends’ concerns. It was understandable for them to feel that way, because I even wrote on my blog that: “I absorbed their pain.”

But I realize that I carry only my own pain dealing with current challenges, which has been lightened as I help others.

The process of healing accelerates for me with the knowledge that I am capable of healing!

I celebrate that I’m no longer anguished over my son’s death anymore. I allow for tears and celebrate my ability to inspire others to heal.

For me, nothing could be healthier!

This is a picture from Jason’s last birthday, 4 months before he died.

I love seeing my big smile (this is from when I was 18), which I plan to never lose.

I continue to share my recent musical creations. Recently, I expanded upon one of the songs that will be part of my audio book. It is an arrangement of a guitar instrumental piece, which I named Farewell. It was recorded in 2010 and my story about it was named MY FAREWELL TO MUSIC.

The word “farewell” stirs up memories of a poignant goodbye. I’ve said before that I believe life is all about arrivals and departures.

A big thank you is due to my childhood friend, Steve de Mena, who is responsible for creating fabulous mixes of my songs on Protools, in addition to sharing and teaching me the program.

Click the blue link below to play my song:

FAREWELL-1/20/13 Guitar Instrumental

I enjoy reading other people’s blogs. One special blog that has been especially helpful for me is: Daily Divorce Meditations. The author, Dee Dee Wood recently commented on my blog, which really touched me. She wrote:

Judy… every time I re-read this story about the loss of your son… I just want to reach through the computer and hug you as hard as I can… D.

Today, when I was writing this post, I stopped for a moment to read her blog. It knocked me over because her words related perfectly to what I was writing! Here is a portion of what she wrote:

Being of service, being the light in someone else’s day, putting my own problems aside to share my strength, hope, experience with others, reminds me to be grateful for the day, and how much I have to give to those in need.

Sometimes I can be oblivious to what is really going on inside of me, until I have some type of revelation. Overwhelmed by too many commitments, struggling with issues regarding my self-esteem, worn, tired, straying from my spiritual path, it is as if my Higher Power suddenly throws someone directly in my way, who says the exact words I need to hear, or gives me exactly what I need in my life, to have a moment of clarity that brings my true world back into focus.

january-22nd

On my last post, I had a Facebook exchange with a woman named Carol. Our on-line conversation continued the next day. I share her words now (in brown).

Hi Carol, It was nice to hear from you. By the way, yesterday I mailed you a CD.

    OMG, YOU MAILED IT YESTERDAY? I AM LOOKING FOR IT, GIRL!     I am so excited about getting your CD.     My husband listened to some of your songs and he loved what he heard and wants more! LOL

That’s beautiful that your husband listened!

I love all your songs, but I need to understand how to read a blog. I don’t have much experience there, but I will learn. I love you, Judy. You will never know what you have opened my eyes up to. I have written songs since the age of 13. I stopped writing, since my son died. No, even before. I have tons of stuff I have written, just scared to show anybody. But you lit a fire underneath me.    

Don’t overwhelm yourself. Just remember, writing can start with a simple memory. I started my blog by reconnecting with a woman whom I helped with grief only two years after my son died. She continues to be very supportive of my writing.

You know, I have won awards for some of the writing…nothing that means anything. Just little things .

No award is a little thing! You have talent and it has been latent. Now those seeds can grow. I  lived for 30 years without my songs. I did rewrite lyrics for my son’s funeral to help myself get through it. But in 2010, I picked up my guitar at a very low point. My mom was ill and I felt completely alone in the world. Music healed all of my pain. I rediscovered my songs and then started writing new ones. I progressed so much in such a short time. But most of all, I discovered joy again. My songs erupted and I wrote a song named “The Unknown.” It expressed how unhappy I was with my marriage. Then I wrote a song to help me find my courage.

I never believed much in God, but decided that I was blessed by this gift. I am going to get through any challenge because music helps me! If I can help you, then God is allowing me to spread my blessing. I share to help others feel better and inspire hope. Carol, please know that your gift is waiting to be reopened and to shine. It never left and will blossom as you express and free yourself from pain!

I don’t know where to start…

Why don’t you start a blog? Just write and write – it’s kind of like a journal. You might also find other people reading your words and responding – it grows and grows!

Wow, this sounds like a great idea… but you’re going have to walk me through it.   I love you, Judy.

I love you too, Carol. I will gladly help you. There’s no way you can fail! I was just writing a story about why I am so involved with grieving people. I am perfectly fine with what I’m doing and if people find it sad, they can read something else!

All your stuff, is absolutely amazing.       I am divorced and am remarried.  I cheer you on to share the beauty that is in your heart with others.  You are a beautiful thing.

Thank you for believing in me. I actually believe someday I will reach a lot of people. For me, the destination is not as important as the journey. I am staying positive despite unbelievable challenges. I wasn’t meant to be exposed or find fame until the time is right. God continues to bless me with more knowledge and my voice has also improved since I didn’t sing for 30 years.

Leaving my husband was the only way I could do this; to have the courage. I believe I will even touch more people than just those who have experienced grief. There are a lot of divorced women who will be cheering me on!

You have had to overcome challenges that even I don’t know I could have done.

Thanks, Carol. I go back and forth between writing to you and writing my story. Writing to you is part of my story and crystallizes everything. It doesn’t bring me down when I can inspire you to rise up. That was what I was writing about!

Tonight, I had a friend help me in my new digs set up a microphone for recording. I have a lot of songs that need new vocals. Once I get my book done, I’ll be starting a second one with lots more songs!

Judy, I will never judge you, just encourage you, edify you and pray for you, because I know you would do the same for me. I have not scrolled through all my poems, all my songs, until I met you. You have actually inspired me to write again. My husband can’t believe it.

Then I thank you for adding to my beautiful story about why I love what I am doing. It’s all about love. I healed from my grief because of my love for my son and what he wanted for me. You will heal, Carol. It is so hard – but I see it!! I am going to go to bed now – but I have a smile on my face.

The best part about writing is that it is so healing. I waited 18 years, but if you can do it after six years – you can inspire even more people about healing!

Recent email message to a friend:

Sunday, January 22^nd

It was so nice of you to be concerned about me. I have not been emailing my friends as much, but I have been writing a lot for my blog. I am still in limbo as far as signing a divorce agreement.

Lately, I’ve been reaching out to other grieving people to offer comfort. A friend told me that it probably wasn’t good for me to do this because it was “bringing me down.” But the truth is that I am down and helping people gives me a lot of satisfaction.

I have not felt great physically. Today, I had a bad experience. I saw something black go into my vision – then it dissipated into threads and my vision was foggy in that eye. I went to Urgent Care and the ophthalmologist who examined me said it was a large new floater and there was retinal blood in the back of my eye. But my retinas were intact and eventually I would get used to this new floater, which I’ll add to my collection. Ironically, it looks like a music note!

My vision is so annoying and looks worse than before my cataract surgery. 50% of the vision in my left eye looks brown. I’m trying not to let it make me miserable, but it hasn’t been easy.

I can share that I have been doing wonderful things musically. I’ve created about five new arrangements in the last few months. Last week, I wrote a beautiful new song and I love it. I’ve also started taking voice lessons with a new teacher. She is wonderful and I hear so much improvement already!

So that is my life in a nutshell. I hope you are doing well. You know I often think of you and care about you very much.

Love, Judy

Ps. My mother continues to hang in there, but when I saw her yesterday, she did not look well. She had mild pneumonia and a urinary tract infection last week. On Saturday, I visited her but she would not open her eyes to look at me. I have done well accepting that she has left my life.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Caregiving, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, dementia, floaters, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing and grief, healing from grief, helping others, hopefulness, inspiration, instrumental music, instrumentals, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mental-health, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, musical arrangements, musical inspiration, optimism and grief, original songs, songwriting, spirituality, uplifting music, writing
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YOU’RE MY ANGEL

January 19, 2013

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My newest song emerged one week ago. I have never written, nor arranged a song this quickly. It gives me chills!

I finished the arrangement today and sang a vocal with my old mic. I could hear cars rumbling in the background! But because I feel so inspired, I don’t care about revealing something that isn’t a “final product.” I am also sharing an acoustic version of my song, where I simply sing and play my guitar.

Clicking the blue links plays audio:

ANGEL IN THE SKY ACOUSTIC

ANGEL IN THE SKY INSTRUMENTAL

LINK TO VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE

ANGEL IN THE SKY

My love for you grows over time

with every song and every rhyme

I dream about your sweet embrace

your sparkling eyes; your beautiful face

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

love can never die

so you must know I miss you so

my angel in the sky

Your precious smile glows in my mind

you uplift; and are my gift

When I die; you’ll take my hand

my lovely light, just not in sight

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

love can never die

so you must know I miss you so

my angel in the sky

My energy lately has been directed toward reaching out to comfort grieving mothers. I joined a Facebook group and have been writing messages of hope. I am certain that reading about all of the children who were “Angels,” inspired me to write my song.

Last night, I noticed that one mother was sharing songs and inspirational videos. I wrote a message to her that I had songs I could also share; I figured she was someone who could appreciate what I had to offer.

How beautiful that by offering her comfort, I was blessed with a response that lifted me up. Her words were like a soothing balm that eased my doubt and gave me back my dream.

My dialog with Carol started when I shared my song “Beside Me Always.” She announced to the group that she had listened to my song and her words are in brown.

A woman named Judy just gave me a link to her beautiful songs. I just listened to one and it was beautiful.   

Thank you, Carol! I find that music is something that has comforted me. My son died 20 years ago and I started to sing again in 2010. I compose music and it has helped me to heal from my grief. Your words mean a lot. I just wrote a new song this weekend and I am thinking you would like it. I named it Angel in the Sky. If you have an email, I’ll send it to you.

Thank you! I just listened to one of your songs on your blog. But there was no way I could share it. How come? It is beautiful. Do you have a link to YouTube?

I do have one live performance on YouTube, but I haven’t gotten around to putting anything else there.

I already found it and left a comment for you. I truly love your music. Oh my god, you are gifted. Your songs are so comforting. Can you send me the song you were talking about? Angel in the Sky?

It’s unfinished, but I already sent it to your email. I am not selling my music yet. I’ve concentrated on creating an audio book to tell my amazing story. I healed from grief when I allowed myself to sing again after 18 years. All of my music is from my heart and Jason (my angel) inspired many of my songs. Thank you for appreciating my music. If you have an address – I’ll mail you a CD! (Free, of course) 

It’s funny, but just last week both my sons insisted that I would become successful if I put videos on YouTube. I’m a bit shy about how I look performing, but I do love sharing my music.

My total focus is to help others heal as I have!

GIRL, PARDON THE CAPS, BUT YOUR SONS ARE RIGHT! I am going to check out my email. Love you, girl. Be back after I listen. Hope you’re still on here.

I am smiling because it is wonderful to offer hope and inspiration. I understand the hell of grief. It is an amputation of the soul and there are few words to describe it.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I can make ends meet by doing my music and writing. But I feel certain that I have been blessed with a gift to help others and I plan to continue doing it as long as I can. Feel free to share my music and words.

My music and book will be available in a few months. And then, I’ll plan on doing more promotion and YouTube stuff. Thank you again, Carol! 

Oh my god! I have tears running down my face. I just wish I could share it. My little sister needs to hear Angel in the Sky. She lost her son last year to Leukemia.

Also Judy, your vocals are fine!

Please post this song to my Facebook. I would buy your CD in a minute. Without the blink of an eye. My nose is all stopped up. But in a good way. Your voice is totally unique. You know how Adele’s voice is unique? Yours is the same way.

Now I am crying. I am so insecure about my singing voice. Thank you!

Judy, I have lost 9 people in the last six years: My son, my dad (four months after my son died), two friends, my mom, my aunt, grand mom and my nephew. God and music have saved my life.

Carol, you have had a lot to deal with. I am sorry. All of those losses are hard and that is a lot in 6 years. Your father dying 4 months after your son is heartbreaking!

I wasn’t religious, but when music came to me my life was filled with joy. I’ve decided that god blessed me and I am very spiritual now. I don’t care if I die tomorrow. I believe my writing and songs will live on.

Let me listen to all of it….it soothes my soul.

I usually write a new song every other month. My passion is having my songs arranged, but I am certain that what I spend on my music will come back to me. It makes me happy and after living with sadness for so many years, I feel I deserve it!

My 16-year-old son tells me to be realistic; that I won’t be able to support myself with music and writing. I just keep telling him that I will succeed. For me, success is about just touching one person; that is enough for me. You made my night, Carol.

Judy, if I wanted to sponsor you, or help you, how would I do it?  I am just a middle class person, living paycheck to paycheck, but I believe in you.  I believe in your music and your heart. How could I help?  I would love to send at least $20 a month to just help. I want to see your music on the store shelves.   

Oh, Carol, thank you for your kindness. Your words are all I need to help me continue.

I have faith and what you’ve said is worth more than money. I’m inspired to keep going knowing I’ve touched you.

This picture was taken when I was visiting my parents. I could not have imagined then that 25 years later I would be living in my childhood home, which is on the right side of this walkway.

Tags:acoustic guitar, angel in the sky, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, performing, precious smile, singing, songwriting, sweet embrace
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

I’LL LIVE WITHIN MY BROKEN HEART

January 3, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

While searching for an illustration of a heart I came across this book cover I created for Avon Books many years ago.

While searching for a heart I came across this book cover I painted for Avon Books many years ago.

I love this quotation:

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song, Beside Me Always. My upcoming audio book carries that same title.

Clicking the blue link below plays my song:

I have discovered that I am drawn to grief. It’s as if grief is a flame that dances and beckons me.

I wish I could extinguish the monster. As I grow closer to the heat, my scars begin to throb. But the memory of love needn’t cause a burn.

I feel compelled to taunt that flame – because I know it cannot burn forever!

I announce this loudly to anyone who will listen. Eventually the fire will flicker out with a wisp of white smoke. There will be cold ashes left behind. But instead of a burning flame, the memories bring comfort now – never to be extinguished.

I continue to move through the darkness searching for other flames to taunt.

I have written before that everyone handles his or her own grief differently. Now, I want to share my own personal beliefs about grief:

It is not recoverable; one adjusts to it.

Healing is possible, and maintaining hope of it can provide sustenance. But the process of healing is unconscious and happens despite certainty that grief is endless.

Many, many people succumb to their grief.

Grieving is hard work and consumes one’s existence.

Although it is rare, it is possible to find joy again. But finding it is a conscious effort and requires giving oneself permission to be happy.

A year after Jason died, I wrote to him as a therapy exercise. There were a few profound sentences I wrote that were prophetic.

My words from 19 years ago are as true at this moment as the day I wrote them.

“He will never be forgotten, even when the grief pains diminish. I will keep his memory alive. Because of him, I will never be the same – in that way he’s a part of me and has exposed me to a life unknown. Jason, I still love you.-

My new friend, Relinda wrote several new posts. (The blue post titles are links to her blog)

Here is an excerpt from Another New Year’s Eve:

“As I end my third year alone, the thoughts that prevail in my mind—I will never feel those perfect lips upon my own again. I will never feel those strong arms around me again. I will never know love again. Every step I take and every little thing I do—I remember him. And just when I catch myself smiling, I remember that he is gone. He is gone and he is not coming back.”

Relinda also wrote another post called Broken Vases and Broken Hearts:

“Sometimes, in life, there are shattered pieces scattered across the earth that are destined to remain broken. That is as true for vases as it is for hearts. Regardless of how much glue one uses to try to put all the pieces back together, it just will not hold. The scars are there forever. The fractures will always be visible. Once broken, it will remain broken.

People will inquire what happened to the beautiful vase . . .

It leaped from the table to its sudden death, but it lives on scarred and missing that one important piece. I could not save the thing, as hard as I tried. And now it continues to live on, a wretched hull of something that once exuded warmth and love, while transcending eternity. Without that piece, it is ugly, empty, broken… and worthless.

That is how it is for vases, as well as hearts.”

I was thinking a lot about Relinda. I am sensitive to all forms of grief. As a bereaved mother, I embraced living by bearing subsequent children while grieving. For a widow or widower, finding love again might seem impossible.

But then I remembered Joe. Joe’s writing (on an Internet grief forum) always brought me to tears – just as Relinda had.

I decided to write to him.

On December 31, 2012, Judy wrote:

Hi Joe,

You haven’t written on the grief forum for some time. How are you doing? I won’t go to that place that time has healed, but I am hoping it has gotten easier for you.

I continue to write about grief and I thought of you because I have been corresponding with a widow who is bereft. Her writing is very poignant – just as yours was.

She believes she will grieve forever. I would love to hear your thoughts about this. You are such an excellent writer.

Judy

On Dec. 31, 2012, Joe wrote:

Judy, after three years I kind of just gave up. That’s when life took a turn and I met someone. Life has changed and I find I can love.

Joe’s Grief Journal – Part 1

Jan. 2, 2011

Hello. My name is Joe. I’m new to the group and want to let you all know why I’m here. I lost my wife on November 14, 2008. We met when we were fourteen years old and she was sixty-three when she died. She was the core of my life and I have felt adrift since she died. It’s always there, the sadness and emptiness, the space once filled that stands empty. There’s a hole in my heart that I doubt will ever heal.

Jan. 8, 2011

I have admitted to friends that I shouldn’t have had a driver’s license the first three months after my wife died. I’d start driving and end up someplace with no memory of getting there. One day in the bank I was looking for a notary to do something for me. Someone innocently asked me, “How are you doing?” I went to my knees crying and all the people around me scattered like quail. The ones who rode the elevator down with me probably couldn’t wait to get free as I was hanging on the handrail and weeping uncontrollably.

Feb. 5, 2011

While I don’t see my wife…I see the space she occupied everywhere I turn. Even now that two years have passed I still see her space at the porch rail, in front of the sink, in our bed, in her chair, beside me while walking, in the passenger seat of my truck where I would lay my hand on her thigh.

Feb. 8, 2011

I don’t trust that the rest of the world will understand. Half of my existence is gone. No matter that over two years have passed I’m not over losing her. How do I explain to the world that I am broken and have no hope of being whole again? All I can do at this point is cry. That’s the most genuine thing I can do even if I do it in privacy now.

March 2, 2011

I am in a really dark place. My mind is shrieking, “I can’t do this alone, this living business. I can’t take care of the house and the car and the dog and the bills and my feelings all by myself. I can’t do this without the comfort of another human voice, the warmth of another human’s touch, the counsel of another human’s wisdom. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!”  

The feeling that accompanies this is terror. I am living in terror and some shame for feeling so weak and desperate.   I have no skills for living alone. I have never been alone before. I feel truly broken in half and totally incompetent in these circumstances.

March 8, 2011

I woke up tearful this morning. I’ve been tearful all day. It took me a while to realize a dream I had was impacting me.

In my dream, she was looking at me the way she did. Her gaze didn’t reflect that I was bald, getting wrinkles, losing vitality and becoming soft in the middle. She gazed at me like I was the most loveable man in the world. I’m crying now just remembering that look…and hoping she saw the same look coming from me.

March 20, 2011

Even my kids don’t know how bad I continue to feel. They don’t know about the anxiety, the sick to my stomach feeling when I know I’m coming home to an empty house. They don’t know how empty life feels, how often I wish mine was over, how pointless this all seems with her.   

After more than two years, I still wake to that feeling of being alone, still have only a moment before the memory that she is gone comes crashing into my mind and I feel my heart sink.   

They don’t know how hard it is to just keep going. They have moved on. They still have mates and children in the house and a life that is worth living.

I have no idea how to tell them that I do not.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

I decided to reply to Relinda in regards to her post about broken vases and broken hearts:

Relinda, I love metaphors, too. You are comparing a broken vase to a broken heart. Such sadness in those words!

A vase does shatter and is almost meant to be breakable. But a vase is man-made unlike a human heart. Humans with all their technology cannot glue a vase back together like new.

But god created humans. Hearts do stop beating and some bleed. But the difference is that flesh has the capability of healing unlike a shard of porcelain.

How wondrous healing is. It is miraculous and it happens without conscious effort. Of course, the wound does leave scars – but the pain diminishes. Your heart is still bleeding and cannot heal at this moment.

You have a beautiful heart; it is far from worthless!

My son died in the fall. Dead leaves always made me sad.

My son died in the fall. Dead leaves carry my son’s memory.

I always held onto hope that my grief pains would diminish. Thankfully, they did. I would never be the same either.

© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:acoustic guitar, Art and Illustration, autumn leaves, broken heart, child's death, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief and optimism, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing a broken heart, healing from grief, hopeful and optimistic, hopelessness, inspiration, loss, loss of a husband, loss of a spouse, loss of a wife, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, Music, optimism, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, unresolved grief, widow, widower
Posted in Grief Stories | 2 Comments »

I KNOW THAT SOON YOU WILL LEAVE ME

December 26, 2012

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Two months ago, I began following a blog where a mother writes about her dying daughter. It moved me very much. Below, is an excerpt from one of Tersia’s recent blog posts.

I suggested that Vic is mainlined or a stent is fitted. Sue agreed that it would certainly make life a lot easier. It would be easier to administer all Vic’s IV medication. Vic said, “Sorry Mommy, no hospitals…”

When Sue (our hospice angel) left today she asked me what is holding Vic back. Medically and clinically speaking there is no explanation why Vic is still alive…. She said that she has never seen anybody fight death the way Vic does… She asked me whether we have given Vic permission to die…

Sue says that Vic still says we are going to Italy next year…. Her kidneys and liver have failed. That is what the blood tests show.

What is holding Vic back? Sue says death happens when one relaxes completely and deeply! Vic’s adrenaline levels are preventing her from relaxing and dying.

All I want is for my little girl to find peace and her suffering to end.

I wish I knew what to do to make Vic accept the inevitable. I wish with every fiber of my body Vic will find peace. That she will find the strength to let go…

Vic has been ill for such a long time. Maybe she just thinks this is how life is. Maybe she cannot remember what it is like to feel good, go out, be carefree, and move without pain. To play with her kids, go out for drinks or a movie with a friend.

On Christmas Eve, Siza said to Vic, “I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place”….

Baby Girl, it is time for Heaven… You have to let go!

Dearest Tersia,

There is a statement I have made many times. It is: “I believe it is far better to lose someone by death than to see them suffer.”

I wondered why I said that, since I have never witnessed terrible suffering of a loved one on a scale minutely close to yours. But even imagining suffering was so horrible that it caused me to believe this. To me death represents peace, the ultimate escape from the horror of physical agony.

What I find so touching about your story is your honesty and immense love. You love your daughter so much that you cannot bear her suffering a moment longer. She loves you and her sons so much that she cannot bear to die and leave this earth.

But from afar, I see that Vicky has made an important choice for herself. She has chosen not to go to a hospital for a main line. That represents a decision not to extend her suffering and to be at home spending every precious moment with her family. Avoiding a hospital doesn’t sound like Vic wants to hang around any longer than necessary. She will let go when she is ready.

As her caregiver, you have absorbed so much suffering. You cannot bear to witness her die because you are in a place of fear. Death is unknown and there is so much fear around what we do not know.

Don’t let fear consume you, Tersia. The inevitable is coming and you cannot rush it. It is there for all of us, but most people prefer not to think about it.

When my child died, I did not have any of the clarity that you have. I was not willing to let him go. Saying goodbye is just so difficult!

Breathe slowly and stay as calm as possible. Blanket yourself with abundant love sent from all over the world.

You and Vic are an inspiration to so many people, and especially to me. I will never forget you.

Love, Judy

p.s. Here’s another thing that blows my mind, it’s the humor again. The picture where they both mention they would have had their hair done is worth a million words.

Dr. Sue putting up the drip. ”If we knew you were going to take photos we would have our hair done…”

Vicky and her son who just turned 16.-

On Dec 21, 2012, Judy wrote:

Hi Tersia,

I want share something that is especially for you and Vic right now. Although I wrote my song “Never Gone Away” many, many years ago – it feels like a new song. Many of my songs are like that. They started out one way, and later on carried a very different message.

I tried my best to feel the lyrics and plan to add ideas from your own words later on. I always create an image for each of my songs and I made one especially for you and Vic (using the picture from your blog).

What I am sharing are two performances that I did tonight. I sang the song twice! First, I did a simple acoustic version with my guitar. Then I sang along with the arrangement, which tears at my heart.

I can only imagine that right now you might not even be able to listen to these. You and Vic are in a certain hell that is impossible to even write about. I hope my music can help you.

Love, Judy

Clicking the blue links below plays audio:

12/11/12 ACOUSTIC GUITAR PERFORMANCE BY JUDY

NEVER GONE AWAY AT KULAK’S WOODSHED

12/11/12 PERFORMANCE BY JUDY

NEVER GONE AWAY AT KULAK’S WITH ARRANGEMENT

On Dec 22, 2012, Judy wrote:

Dearest Tersia,

All day long, I listened to the recordings from last night when I performed your song. I’ve been thinking of you and just wanted you to know that.

Love, Judy

The package I mailed three weeks ago to South Africa held ten CD’s of my audio book and songs.

On Dec 23, 2012, Judy wrote:

Dearest Tersia,

Across the world, you are in my thoughts.

As you navigate the hellish moments and the loud ticking – just know that there are many other people crying tears inside for both you and Vicky. I pray for her to be free from pain and the same for you, as well. Sadly, there is no replacement for her and as you know, there will be a huge hole left behind. I am so, so sorry. You have been very brave. Cry as much as you need to. Tears are good.

Love, Judy

On Dec 25, 2012, Judy wrote:

Hi Tersia,

I have not stopped thinking of you and Vic – I devoured your recent post. What a beautiful title of “A time to be born and a time to die.” You are so brave.

Today, I finished the instrumental of the song I dedicated for you both called “Never Gone Away.”

I still plan to create personalized lyrics for you. All you need to do is to write out the many ways you will remember Vic and how she’s never going to be far away from you. My song already holds onto the image of a smile and incorporated laughter into a new line of the lyrics. You both seem to have a fabulous sense of humor – through it all. You inspire me with your bravery and love.

Hang in there, Tersia.

Love, Judy

On Dec 25, 2012, Tersia wrote:

Thank you, dear Judy.

When I wrote my song in 1980 I usually played my guitar at the beach. The lyrics above are new ones for my song.

(clicking the title is a link to Tersia’s blog):

A time to be born and a time to die

December 25, 2012

It is Christmas. It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.

This is our last Christmas as a complete family.

Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr. Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.

“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”

Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.

“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked.

Vic nodded and whispered, “I do not want to die…”

“Nobody wants to die, Vicky. We all will walk this path. Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”

“You must surrender your body to God. It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said. “Where is your Bible?”

Siza read from Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens…

Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time. Vic cried and Danie gently held her.

Danie and I walked with Siza. Her eyes were sad when she said, “Her body is shutting down. It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”

The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze. The smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house. The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.

Vic handed out the gifts. The kids shrieked with delight. A lot of thought went into the gifts. The gifts were truly gifts of love. There is a time for everything,  and a season for every activity under the heavens:

A time to be born and a time to die…

© 2012 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:acoustic guitar, child's death, composing, crying tears, dealing with death, death, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, guitar performance, Hospice, imminent death, impending death, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother daughter relationship, Music, Never Gone Away, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, terminal illness, writing
Posted in Grief Stories | 2 Comments »

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YOU WERE THERE – PART 3

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