composing | MY JOURNEY'S INSIGHT

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I CRY INSIDE

June 10, 2013

Songwriting is both mysterious and magical for me. A song is born when it reveals itself to me and the process is fantastic!

Songwriting is both mysterious and magical. A song is born when it reveals itself to me and the process is fantastic!

My post title is another line of lyrics from my song “The Unknown.” It is no coincidence that currently my song plays through my life because I have been working on editing a vocal for a beautiful new arrangement. When I wrote my song in 2011, I was horrified by my lyrics. It was because they were so revealing and honest.

When I first composed my song “The Unknown,” I wasn’t sure if I would ever perform it. I already have, and recently I arranged my song for the second time. Eventually, I will share it on my blog when I feel ready.

Below I share an instrumental version of my song. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

The lyrics of my song that I used for my title go: “My tears I hide when you are near me, I cry inside where you can’t hear me.”

Not long ago, I had a post with the lyric title of “my tears I hide.” Crying inside accurately describes what happens when I hide my tears.

I operate on that level more than I’d like to admit. I hide my pain, while inside I am screaming and crying. It has been quite difficult for me to release my feelings and very unhealthy. In order to numb myself, it is far easier to indulge in overeating and the result has been awful for me. I am certain that the reason my music heals me is because it is the one place where I can freely express myself.

Writing for my blog is also wonderful, but unfortunately there are so many things I cannot share. For sure, I try to be careful not to say anything that might be upsetting to my teenage children or soon-to-be ex-husband.

Below, I share more about my life discussing music with my voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes. On the first clip, I share a portion of my song “The Unknown” and discuss with Kimberly a performance, which I shared on my blog two weeks ago. On the second clip, it is notable again that singing is a metaphor for my life. Singing breathy and unconnected is something I am trying to steer away from; I far prefer a connection with my vocal chords. In my life, I also want to be more connected with my true voice!

Clicking the blue links plays audio:

Lesson Clip with Kimberly Haynes 5/26/13

Lesson Clip with Kimberly Haynes 6/3/13

“Can you function?”

The retinologist’s words were crisp and firm. “Can you function? Can you do your work in order to sustain an income?”

I looked at him and hesitated. Softly, I said, “Yes, but it’s pretty tough. I get headaches and it’s frustrating.”

He spoke kindly and said, “It’s very important that you understand why I’m asking you this. If you tell me you cannot work or function, I will schedule you for a Vitrectomy tomorrow.”

I had read about this procedure. It was rather drastic. The gel in the eye is replaced with vegetable oil. Walla! I’d have crystal clear vision again. But of course, nothing is that simple. The procedure is quite risky.

He explained that it was a routine surgery for him; and he did it often. He said it would take less than an hour; then I would go home and live with the result. With seriousness he told me that there were rare instances of failure and he remembered each and every case.

Due to my nearsightedness and elongated eyeball, the procedure definitely carried more risk for me than the average person. His recommendation was that I wait at least a year to be sure. As I left, he told me that it was more than likely that I would adjust with time.

I walked to my car. The sunlight was painful and my vision was swirling with feathers and lines. I put on sunglasses and tried not to cry.

I decided I liked this doctor. Mostly, I appreciated his compassion.

I had made this appointment because I was so discouraged by my eyesight; I wanted reassurance that my retinas were still intact and felt it might not be a bad idea to see another eye specialist. I had already read a lot about PVD (posterior vitreous detachment) on the Internet and knew there wasn’t a simple cure for me.

I had actually been given a referral to this doctor a month earlier after I informed my HMO that I wanted reimbursement for a second opinion. My request for reimbursement was denied, even though I had given prior notice. I was given a referral to see this retina specialist from my HMO instead. I made an appointment, but it was several weeks away and I was miserable.

I did not have the energy to appeal the denial of my $250 expenditure.

The doctor that dispensed my second opinion recommended a laser treatment to help treat a common complication that resulted from my cataract surgeries.

Finally after complaining, I was given a sooner appointment where a doctor at my HMO performed the laser treatment. I was told I could cancel my appointment with this retinologist.

After the laser treatment, I was hopeful that my eyes would improve. But it was not the case. A few weeks later, I had a second PVD when my vitreous gel separated in my “good” eye.

On top of that, I had painful dryness in both eyes that was excruciating. All the while, I was busy working on an illustration assignment. Thankfully, my computer had a large screen that was helpful for my eyes.

It was my music that continued to keep me going and helped me the most.

In those wrinkles, I see a heart shape.

“A compassionate pillow”

I was under hypnosis. I heard Connie’s voice and she said, “Allow an image to form that represents compassion for you.”

An image came to me quickly. I easily pictured the pillow on my bed. I waited because I wanted to be certain about it. After a moment, I couldn’t see another image and I could see it was going to be interesting to talk about.

I said to Connie, “Okay, I’m looking at my pillow. You know, not too long ago I wrote some song lyrics about my pillow. It has tearstains on it.”

Connie asked me to describe it further and I began to chuckle. There was an analogy already forming in my mind when I remembered the feathers. Occasionally, they slipped out and delicately floated within my vision; just like my floaters. But my pillow represented compassion because it was soft and I felt safe with it. I wasn’t sure where I had gotten it – it might have even been an old one from my parents. For sure, it was pretty old.

I talked more about pillows and how new ones weren’t soft enough. They were usually too firm and ended up being ones that I put under my legs. As I remembered my former life and bed – I felt sadness creeping in.

My eyes were closed and I heard Connie’s voice gently ask me, “Allow yourself to become that compassionate pillow. What words would you tell Judy?”

All the while, I kept wondering why I had picked my pillow. I often wrote about grief with deep compassion for others, but I decided I had picked this image because I needed more compassion for myself at this juncture.

I said to Connie, “This pillow thinks it might be a good idea if she rested more.”

That was no surprise. I came to my appointment very tired and told Connie I had gone to bed after editing a song until 1:30 a.m. Then at 6:00 a.m., I woke up to listen to music.

I searched to imagine what I would tell myself beyond that. The words from my subconscious began to slowly form.

Softly, I said, “The pillow wants Judy to know that it will always be there for her – she can take it wherever she goes. With all the uncertainty in her life, she knows that it will hold her head softly and support her.”

Tears lightly streamed down my cheeks as I added, “This pillow has traveled so far from where it started. It used to be on a larger bed that she once shared. This new destination is something she never imagined. She has come so far!”

This is a photo I enhanced to use for my song cover for “The Unknown.” I cropped in on the one baby hummingbird that would soon fly away to face a new life outside the nest.

I enhanced this photo taken outside of Connie’s guesthouse for my song cover for “The Unknown.” I cropped in on a baby hummingbird that would soon fly away to face a new life outside the nest.

“I simply did not want to look at what bothered me”

I came to my hypnotherapy session in a dark state. I had been that way ever since my good eye experienced a vitreous detachment a few weeks earlier.

I looked forward to my weekly sessions because I loved to share my music that I was currently working on with Connie. Other than my voice teacher, Kimberly or arranger, George, I had no one else to share my passion with. My children hated if I talked about my music, so I seldom mentioned it.

I told Connie that just before our session I had an idea about something I wanted to write about. I seldom had time to write and preferred to work on songs instead whenever possible.

My idea was for a metaphorical story about how I was a gardener that was cultivating a song garden. It was such a beautiful concept for me. There was irony, though.

I had written a poem during my deep grief and named it “My Garden.” In my poem, my children were plants that were watered with my tears after my first plant died. Because I’ve sometimes felt like my songs were “babies,” my metaphor also tied into my former poem.

I told Connie that I wondered when I would feel better. If it were not for my eyesight issues, things were going fairly well in my life. I tried to stay grateful for the many good things that had happened to me.

But the reality was that my mood was very down. I told her how living with cloudy eyesight was a constant source of sadness. But amazingly, I had acuity – I could accurately see an eye chart, despite the large black floaters and curtains on the edges of my eyes. Although the dryness wasn’t as acute; I still had sensations of feathers in my eyes many times during the day.

I was encouraged though by brief moments when the cloudiness seemed to dissipate – sometimes it happened while I was driving. I was sure that it was because I was focused on something else. I’d notice the clarity and get elated, but with one blink, the curtains and blurs returned. Then my heart would sink.

I always reminded myself of the statement, “The more you look for something, the more that you will find it.” Was I looking for clarity or my muddy eyesight? It was difficult to decipher and frustrating. I was desperately hoping that hypnosis might help me. I wanted to find insight about my choice of a pillow to represent compassion.

Although there were analogies to my life, I still felt frustrated that there seemed to be no answers that could help me deal with my eyesight.

I knew I needed more compassion for myself. I told Connie that I didn’t want to wallow in self-pity. I was grateful that I could still see and function. Clearly, I wasn’t a candidate for an immediate Vitrectomy.

There was so much pain erupting inside of me. It was raw and stabbing. I pushed it down. I wanted to say how unfair it was, but stopped myself. Life was not fair and I already knew that.

I told her how I was trying to deal with it.

I simply did not want to look at what bothered me – I just looked through the floaters. But it was like wearing dirty glasses that couldn’t be wiped.

Connie gently said, “Can you see any parallels to your own life with those words?”

It dawned on me that there were definitely parallels. For decades, I lived in Zombieland. I suppressed my feelings by ignoring the things that bothered me. It was important for me to please my children, my parents and my husband. That was my existence.

With my healing, I began to dream again and I looked forward to things. So now I had a new coping mechanism; I looked ahead to avoid the pain I felt in the present. It was far preferable than looking at the pain right in front of me.

All of this was very familiar indeed.

As I coped with this situation, I realized that I wasn’t allowing myself to feel. I was numb as I pushed down the emotions that were too painful to deal with.

By suppressing my emotions, my pain rose up directly in front of me to force me to acknowledge it!

I looked at that trail ahead of me and was hopeful I could do it!

“Her words were like music to me”

The next morning, I awoke and did not rush to get up. My pillow was soft and I grinned surveying my bedroom. My parents might have slept in that room for over forty years, but it was my room now.

I loved the peacefulness and freedom.

It was a Sunday. Earlier in the week, I had completed my illustration assignment. It was no easy feat. To celebrate, I had worked endless hours on my music. I really did want to feel better about life. With everything I had gone through, I didn’t want to suffer and become a Zombie again.

A few days earlier, a friend had asked me if I might consider dating and I burst into tears. I emphatically said I savored being on my own and couldn’t imagine spending my precious time with anyone. As I spoke those words, I realized how sad they were and that caused even more tears to flow.

I knew my eye situation wasn’t the only thing I was dealing with. My mother was withering away; she had lost seven pounds over the last two months. And although my children were adjusting to separation and divorce, I felt heartache at every turn. I was relieved that our home had finally sold, but as my husband and oldest son were moving I felt sadness for what they were going through.

There was a metaphor for me when my oldest son put the mounted puzzles that once adorned his bedroom into the trash. I felt many pangs when he told me that he had no desire or space to save them. Those puzzles required endless hours. Together we had worked on almost a dozen; most had over 1,000 pieces and held memories of the time we spent together.

My son had been so proud of them that one time he brought them to his elementary school to share for an assembly.

I had already taken as much memorabilia as I could and had little room to store anything else in my coop.

I countered my pangs knowing I could hold onto the memories, rather than the objects.

There were many pangs as I remembered what I went through while throwing out most of my children’s school records and reports. I decided I needed fewer reminders of all my years of advocacy to fight for services that would help them.

I thought about my hypnotherapy session and suppressing my feelings. So often I have said, “Thoughts equal feelings.” I desperately wanted to harness the power of my mind to help myself.

The truth came to me that as upsetting as my eyesight was, my weight bothered me even more. I usually tried to be gentle with myself about it. I felt I would diet when I was ready.

But that wasn’t happening, and I was feeling worse and worse. I kept gaining weight and it made life much more difficult. I realized that I couldn’t “fix” my eyes – but this was something I did have control over.

I remembered how when I began my journey, I had lost weight and as a result felt wonderful. Perhaps this alone could make a difference for me. Only I could do this, though.

It was Sunday, and I had to drive my son to visit a friend. I remembered it wasn’t far from a place that my teenage daughter had mentioned she wanted to take me.

I knocked on her door and said, “Are you in the mood to hike today? I have to drop your brother off and it’s not far from that hiking area you once told me about.”

I fully expected her to say no, especially because I had to leave in five minutes. I was shocked when she said yes. My daughter always needed at least half an hour notice to get ready. But she said she was willing if I’d give her ten minutes.

We left the house and as I drove, both my teenagers bantered in the car. My daughter said, “This is great about your being willing to exercise, Mom! I have a saying about exercise.”

My daughter said, “If you’re too comfortable, then you’re not improving.”

I knew she was relating that to her workouts, but I thought about how that also applied to sitting still in life!

We walked on a trail overlooking the city for an hour. I noticed we weren’t arguing like we usually did. But we did argue about how long the hike was. She said it was only 40 minutes. She said that the walk from our car to the trailhead didn’t count.

For me, every minute counted!

I did pant in a few spots. My clothes were completely soaked. I had an opportunity to listen to music briefly, when she chose to jog ahead of me and run back.

As she zipped by me, her words were like music.

“Mom, I’m so proud of you!”

I watched her continue to jog ahead of me – she was gorgeous and fit. I remembered when my daughter ate only fried food and her favorite vegetable was a French fry. Now she was so health conscious; I wish I hadn’t worried about her as much as I had.

We came home and I felt much better.

The afternoon was ahead of me. I was excited to write and to sing. I rested and showered.

For three months now, I had not written any new music. I did have a melody and chords for a new song. Slowly, I was writing the lyrics.

I picked up my guitar. The verses were done, but my song needed a chorus. I began to work on the lyrics to complete my song.

THE PRINCESS AND HER WORDS

Sometimes, the Princess remembered the dragon. It made her sad when she imagined he was once her Prince. Perhaps it was only in her imagination and he had always been a dragon. But what caused her great pain was the knowledge that forever the dragon knew her intimately in ways that no one else could. It was a bond that was difficult to simply sever and ignore.

But she realized she knew the dragon intimately, too. Those thoughts were also painful and she chose to push them away.

It was interesting how a few simple words changed their lives. She struggled to release those words for a long time. They tore at her tongue and were acid in her soul. When her father died she could not continue to hold those words anymore. She accidently released them to her oldest son.

Immediately, she was horrified. She had spoken those words to the wrong person. Her son’s anguish was more than she could bear. But her son was so wise. Despite his own shock and pain, he insisted that this was a secret she was not allowed to keep any longer. The Princess shook and shook with terror – she wondered how she would ever find the courage.

Her son told her, “Just do it. Kick the bucket!”

She surveyed the castle and all that she knew would disappear like magic with those words. She climbed the stairs. Over and over she heard his words, “Kick the bucket, kick the bucket.”

The dragon wondered what the Princess was going to say. He looked surprised. Rarely did she ever tell him she had something to say to him directly. He stopped what he was doing and waited.

Time was frozen for the Princess. She wanted to vomit, but instead she threw out the words. “Our marriage is over.”

The dragon was calm and cool. They spoke for a few moments about letting their children know and discussed how to tell them. Suddenly, time began to move quickly.

The Princess waited for the relief to come, but it eluded her.

It was only the beginning . . .

© 2013 by Judy Unger and
http://www.myjourneysinsight.com
. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, cataract surgery complications, Cataracts when in fifties, changing your life, compassion, composing, composing music, creativity, eye issues, eyesight adjustment, eyesight issues, facing divorce, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hike in the city, hypnosis, Hypnotherapy, improvement, inspiration, instrumental music, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother daughter relationship, Music, music healing, music therapy, musical inspiration, original songs, pillow and comfort, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, releasing pain, self improvement, separation, singing, songwriting, stuff feelings, supressing emotiion, the unknown, vitrectomy, writing
Posted in Hypnotherapy | 2 Comments »

WITH ALL THIS PAIN, I CAN’T REMAIN – PART 2

May 28, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Today is my “anniversary of the heart.” My son Jason, who died in 1992, would have been 26 years old today. He never grows any older. Forever, he remains frozen in time for me at the age of five.

Below is a link to my story about a special song of mine called “Every Season.” This song was the very first completely new song that I composed after rediscovering my music at the age of fifty. Originally, I named my song “Every Season You Come Back To Me,” but later on I decided I preferred shorter titles.

I recently recorded a new vocal for my song. Below is a link to my story and song:

EVERY SEASON YOU COME BACK TO ME

A few days ago, I received a beautiful card from my brother and sister-in-law. I am so touched how they remember this day every year. My mother used to also send me a card, but dementia has stolen her awareness. When I was married, anniversaries of the heart were not mentioned between my husband and I. He hated dealing with anything related to grief, so I never brought up that it was the obvious day of pain. Sometimes, I even wondered if he remembered or not.

The sentence that really touches me is, “We remember all the years that he has missed and we have missed him.”

There are many “triggers” that can cause me to become emotional at this moment. Going through a divorce and having eyesight issues have left me vulnerable. But my sentence below is huge and absolutely true.

After twenty years, I am certain that I have healed from grief over the death of my son.

About two months ago, I attended a funeral for the mother of my close friend, Cheryl. Cheryl died five years ago from breast cancer and I did not attend her funeral in Cleveland. I felt grief on that day, because it was an opportunity for me to remember my dear friend as I listened to beautiful tributes about her mother.

The cemetery for this funeral was the same one where Jason was buried. I decided to take a quick walk to visit his grave before the casket was lowered for Cheryl’s mother.

Jason’s grave was at the bottom of the hill and I gingerly walked to find it. As always, I caught my breath to see my son’s name carved in stone. But inside, I felt peaceful and accepting.

There was a lovely breeze surrounding me that day. As I walked back up the hill to rejoin the funeral, I felt Jason hugging me. Cheryl was holding me, too.

I have tremendous compassion for people who are grieving. I frequently write messages on grief forums to instill hope. Many people are absolutely certain they will live out the remainder of their life in anguish.

My messages always affirm that healing is possible. I understand the resistance I often encounter to my optimism, because when I was deeply grieving it seemed remote. But I always held onto hope. Hope kept me going.

To shed more light upon this, I share below some of the responses of grieving mothers on a Facebook site. A newly bereaved mother posted two questions. I have copied some of the replies out of hundreds (listed in blue below). 99% of them echoed these same feelings:

Her questions were:

How long did it take you to accept that your children are gone? And for you to get back to life to live again and be happy?

Never! I will never ever be happy until I’m back with son again.

It’s 7 years since I lost my daughter. I will never be happy again. My life was over the day I lost her. I miss her so much.

It will never happen!

I still have a hard time accepting my son is gone and everyone is different. To move on is hard for me and that is why I am in therapy and take meds.

No one can tell you when it will be normal again, but for me I will never be whole again because of that big hole left in my heart that can never be filled.

I don’t think we will ever be truly happy again.

I accepted it the day my daughter died and the day I buried my son. You have to keep on living. They wouldn’t want us to stop. You just have to live one day at a time. I can’t be completely happy, but it does get a little easier to cope. I’ve tried, but when two of my children died I think half my heart died, too.

I haven’t and I never will.

6 years on from the murder of my 25-year-old son and I still can’t accept that he has gone. I will never be happy again until I am with him.

You never do, you learn how to live with it!

I think that if I ever truly accepted that my daughter was gone, that would be the day I would totally go insane. I have to hold onto the fact that she is with me or I can’t make it. I have accepted the fact that I will never be “happy” in this life again. This is my life now and I live it one day at a time.

I have already written a lot about grief on this blog. I have so much I want to say to all of those grieving mothers. But at this juncture in my life, I need to also write a message to myself.

I am grieving. My eye condition is burdening my present life.

But I am human. The physical body and mind are inexorably linked.

Our body can imprison our mind when we are in pain. Also, our mind can cause our body to suffer.

Physical pain and suffering can be quite difficult to overcome. Grief can manifest as physical pain. I’ve called it an amputation of my soul. And it was worse for me than any form of physical pain.

My eye discomfort has overwhelmed me so much that I’ve found myself filled with negative thoughts. They remind me of what many of the grieving mothers expressed.

Below are thoughts I try to banish, because they definitely are not conducive to helping me feel better:

I cannot live with this condition and my life is ruined.

For the rest of my life, I will have this horrible eyesight.

I wish I never had cataract surgery; why didn’t I wear sunglasses more to prevent this?

I want to hide in my house and never emerge into daylight.

I am crying and filled with pain. I feel weak and vulnerable; I hate living this way!

At this juncture, my own struggles give me even more compassion for anyone grieving. It is hard to ever imagine feeling better when you are suffering!

However, I strongly believe in positive thinking. I plan to find ways to help myself feel better.

And I always maintain hope!

Although I feel as if I am swimming in an ocean of tears again, I remember the beauty of standing up on a new shore filled with joy. I look at my current struggles as an opportunity to swim to that place again. I do not want to imagine myself swimming in tears for the rest of my life.

Below is my answer to the question on Facebook about acceptance and happiness after losing a child:

Although it is unimaginable that you will ever heal from the death of your child, do not give up hope. It is possible.

I don’t speak for anyone else, but it happened for me. I never believed it would when I was suffering.

It has been 20 years since my 5-year-old son died. I accept his death I am at peace with it.

Acceptance does not mean I love him any less. For decades, I died inside to be closer to him, but it did not bring him back to me.

It is true that you learn to live with it; there is little choice. It is a horrible adjustment and I carry scars from the amputation of my soul. I can easily remember the pain. I picture my child’s death as if it happened yesterday.

But happiness is possible.

It just isn’t comforting to tell yourself that you will never be happy. That is a powerful message. It stays in your subconscious and causes you to remain in a state of suffering. Your dead child loves you and that love translates to trying your best to survive and live your life carrying that love. Your child does not want you to suffer!

The best message you can tell yourself when you are anguished is that someday it will be easier. You will be at peace and the sun will shine again. Never give up hope!

Below are my exchanges on an Internet grief forum. My words are in brown:

We’re told not to worry about tomorrow. We know that worry is not productive. Yet, when child loss enters our lives, it’s as though the bottom dropped out and our trust in good things happening to good people who try to do their best dropped to the bottomless pit and worry came flying up to the top of our minds! Losing a child means that anything — absolutely anything — can happen to us, and that causes our hearts and minds to swirl around and around with worry. Our faith suddenly needs props to hold us up. We feel so weak and so vulnerable. We sit awake dreaming up every possible thing that could happen. Why? Because we now know what it feels like to have the very life sucked out of us and we are constantly hoping, praying and yes — worrying — that we never go through a pain like this again!

I am still waiting for one day of peace …

I cry reading this. But your last line is hopeful, which I am certain will lift you through this hell. I try to hold onto things that are helpful.

I believe this tenant from hypnotherapy of: “The more you look for something, the more that you will find it.”

Statements of: “It will never get better” and “I will feel this way forever” generally are not comforting at all. But when we are grieving – it is certainly easy to go there. Your last line of waiting for peace, therefore, is extremely positive and beautiful. It says a lot and is very helpful for you.

But right now, your soul has been amputated and you are bleeding out. Peace is elusive and unbelievable while you are in horrific pain.

Set the bar a little lower. A day of peace is too much to expect right now. I will wish for you a single moment.

It will come – trust me.

“The more you look for something, the more that you will find it”…. I am aching, I am reaching out, I am yearning, I am looking for…my son!

That’s understandable because he’s been stolen from you. You’ve lost a piece of your soul. No doubt there is yearning and aching. You will find your son. He will appear to you in a different form in your life. It will happen someday, trust me. With grief, our life can never be what it once was.

You will find a new existence. But it is awful when they die and we die with them. It feels like that is the only way to be with them.

You are still alive, but it is too hard. I remember the pain well. I have few words of comfort because telling you it will get better doesn’t help at the moment.

I am crying for you because I’ve never forgotten how awful it is. I am so sorry.

If anyone were to ask me how I am, I would tell him or her I am under construction. I feel like Humpty Dumpty. I have shattered into a million pieces and nobody can put me together again… except me. The pieces are hard to realign with my shattered soul, and each one takes a toll on my heart, but little by little they find their place and hold.

The other night I lay awake, as I usually do, thinking of how broken my life is now and suddenly I had the feeling of a lid settling over me and snapping into place. Odd comparison I know, but it felt that way. When I heard the click of it settle I actually sighed because I understood. I understood suddenly that this was meant to be. That my son’s journey was meant to end here and it was OK. He was fine and happy and we were meant to go on without him. It was a wonderful moment of realization and I marveled at its simplicity.

Then just as suddenly that lid was yanked off and all the pain and grief that it kept out came pouring in on me again…. with a vengeance. I sobbed for hours and tried to find that peace again but have not been able to. I know it is out there; I just have to continue this journey and reconstruct my life. It has not been easier but harder, much harder. The anger is still there. The resentment is still there. The shock of it all is still there. It has been nine months since my soul has been ripped apart. Nine months and I still wait for him to call or walk through the door. I miss his wonderful personality. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his joy in living. I miss him.

Whenever you write, I cry for you! I don’t know what to say. Your words are a perfect description of what I also experienced.

Grief is definitely a journey and you are realizing things that took me far longer to understand. Perhaps that was because I pushed grief aside for many years. Grief that is “unaddressed” is waiting for us later in life. I learned that.

You are facing your grief head on. I know you cannot see the inspiration in your words. There is so much hope for you and you will help many other people with grief someday. I am certain of that.

You will always miss your son and wonder. The pain isn’t forgotten. But you will find another life beyond this. The hardest part is surviving the agony until you get there.

Judy, I certainly don’t feel like an inspiration…. at all. I feel like a hot mess.

A few weeks later, the woman whom I corresponded with above wrote to someone else. She responded to the message below:

I have really been down since my wife died. I don’t know how to ever get over it.

This was what she wrote:

I am so sorry for your loss. You have taken the first step…..sharing your feelings with someone. We all know the grief you are experiencing. We all know this journey.

Continue to share here and the many voices of those that have traveled this road before you will help guide you.

Happy Birthday, Jason.

Tags:child's death, compassionate friends, composing, death, death of a child, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing from grief, healing music, hopefulness, inspiration, is happiness possible after losing a child, loss, optimism and grief, original songs, singing, songwriting
Posted in Healing and Hope | 8 Comments »

WITH ALL THIS PAIN, I CAN’T REMAIN – PART 1

May 26, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This past weekend I performed at a party hosted by Anita and Igal Kohavi; their talented son Darrin also performed, as well as a few other musicians. I befriended the Kohavi family because I record vocals in their wonderful home recording studio.

The party was on the day that marked the one-year anniversary of my father’s death. It was Memorial Day weekend and that was also poignant for me because my deceased son’s birthday falls around that weekend every year.

Unfortunately, most of the evening I was worried about whether I saw sparks in my vision, which meant I could be having a retinal detachment. I wasn’t sure if what I was seeing was related to my eyesight or the tiny light bulbs lining the outdoor performing area. I planned to make another appointment with a retinologist as soon as possible or go to the ER if it became worse.

I played 3 songs and shared a lot about my life in only twenty minutes. I actually enjoyed speaking more than singing. It was very challenging for me to sing because my acoustic guitar blasted through an amplifier loudly; I had little experience singing outdoors.

But my audience was receptive; the people listening were kind and embraced me.

Clicking the blue links below, plays brief excerpts from my performance:

BLOG EXCERPT – Performance of Every Season

BLOG EXCERPT – Performance of The Unknown

BLOG EXCERPT – Performance of Set You Free

As I write this post, I am trying gamely to cope with extremely uncomfortable eyesight. My eyes are not mine anymore and this has deeply affected my quality of life.

This is a result of both of my eyes experiencing PVD, also known as Posterior Vitreous Detachment. It happened to my left eye in January and last week my right eye was afflicted. It seems that having cataract surgery last year accelerated many problems for me due to my severe nearsightedness.

I went on the Internet and the consensus from the medical profession is that this condition is untreatable and something you eventually adjust to; it often takes a year. But I also found words written by other people suffering greatly with all of the same symptoms I had.

I see shadows from dark floaters. There is fogginess; many blurs and my eyes actually feel wobbly. On top of this, I’ve developed sensations as a result of a dry eye condition. My eyes continually water and feel uncomfortable. Daylight hurts.

I am having difficulty functioning and am discouraged. My brain is screaming loudly that this is intolerable. I quiet the screaming by playing music and it does help. But my days are harder than I ever imagined. There is a part two for this post, where I will write more about this.

I wonder when I will start feeling better.

I took this picture in Kimberly’s back yard while waiting, before my voice lesson. Although it was a beautiful day, the floaters and blurs in both eyes disturbed me greatly.

I took this picture in Kimberly’s back yard while waiting for my voice lesson. Although it was a beautiful day, the floaters and blurs in both eyes disturbed me greatly.

I have no regrets about where my life is right now. I love the freedom I have to pursue my music and singing. I go to places that heal me and feel as if I am the richest woman in the world.

There are so many things I am grateful for. Often, when I am faced with suffocating stress I use humor to help me. I started to write, “There is no end to stress for me,” but decided it would lead to more stress and that certainly wouldn’t be helpful. I really do try to frame all of my thoughts in a positive way.

For two weeks, I’ve had a refrigerator that defrosts and refreezes. Once again, I thanked my father in heaven for buying me an extended warranty. The first repairman that came told me he couldn’t find a problem. On that day, the refrigerator was “refreezing” and getting cold again.

Two days later, my floor was covered with towels to soak up the puddles again. I was back on the phone with the warranty department for the umpteenth time.

The good news after all of this stress, was that I would be getting a brand new refrigerator. My refrigerator was determined to have a Freon leak, which could not be repaired.

I decided to be savvy and use up all of the low-calorie ice cream bars that were misshapen. I asked my 16-year-old son if he would like a smoothie. As he was sipping it, he said, “Mom, I hate to tell you this, but there are splinters in my smoothie!”

I felt a big splinter in my own mouth at that moment. What I thought was a chip of ice, turned out to be a chunk of a Popsicle stick.

I told my son, “Sorry! Your mom’s eyesight is not what it used to be!”

“I hope to be there”

Last week, my oldest son graduated for college. I was waiting with a camera and felt lucky to have planted myself in a perfect spot; I was in front of the processional that was soon to begin. I planned to capture the perfect moment as my son marched forward. My eyes were teary and my heart swelled as the graduation march played. I watched face after face walk by – eyes sparkling, hands waving and feet dancing. I couldn’t wait to see my son.

There were many graduates in his major and it took over half an hour. My camera battery was running low. When the last one walked by, I was exhausted and concerned because I hadn’t seen my son. Earlier, I had sent him a text message that I was waiting for him at his graduation. I looked at my cell phone and saw there was a message back from him. It was, “I hope to be there.”

Fortunately, he did make it. I received another text message that he was able to hop a fence and sit in the area with the other graduates. After the ceremony we connected and I finally got some beautiful pictures. He told me it would be okay to share our picture.

He graduated with honors despite dealing with his parents’ divorce and grandfather’s death. On top of that, he moved the day before his graduation and helped my husband tremendously. I am so proud of him!’

From the beginning of my journey, I have written with complete honesty. The title of this post is a line of lyrics from my song “The Unknown.” I have not shared that song yet because it is very personal and painful for me.

The line of lyrics “With all this pain, I can’t remain,” relates to three things in my life. In my song, it is about the pain in my marriage. And those words apply to my eyesight, as I struggle with complications related to my three cataract surgeries. Lastly, those words also relate to my feelings about grief.

I began my blog by spilling out everything I was carrying inside for decades. I was truly living like a zombie because I never expressed any of my feelings.

The release and joy that I found as a result of writing for my blog, ground to a halt when I realized that I could not share with honesty what I was living with on a daily basis. I wrote my song “The Unknown” during a very lonely time in my life. My marriage was empty and had been for a very long time. My parents could no longer emotionally sustain me and their decline was devastating. For certain, my husband was miserable, too.

I was terrified to address my situation. I didn’t want to hurt my husband or children, but it was impossible for me to continue sleeping at the edge of the bed, never being touched or complimented. My husband was not a bad person and I didn’t want to hurt him. It would have been unfair to force him to change into someone he could never be. I was married to a man who was extremely negative about life and I couldn’t counter it anymore. My heart had grown cold and felt like stone; there was no chance I could have feelings for him ever again. The thought that my life was this dreary at the age of 53 was too sad to face.

I decided I was ready to face turning both our lives upside down because this was not really living. Our communication was so poor, that we never even discussed why I wanted a divorce. I was racked with guilt for hurting him because he was a good person.

At this moment, I believe I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Simply shopping in a supermarket floods me with painful memories. A carton of strawberries can evoke heartache because I remember constantly buying them for my husband. I always made sure he had a bowl prepared every morning and evening. Despite the emptiness I felt and our extreme lack of communication, I always tried to make his life easier and do the things that I hoped would make him happy. It was an unending job that filled me with frustration.

Recently, a friend was joking. He imitated my husband by admonishing me loudly for putting something down in the wrong place. But while he was laughing, I started shaking and then began to cry. He was sorry and I was ashamed at my reaction. But it was understandable for me.

In my former life, I was so used to making sure that everything was in its place; my life was filled with many rules to follow. Doors and windows had to be closed or open in a certain way. The toilet seat always needed to be up in our bathroom and the shower door left half open. I never succeeded at completing all of those tasks; there was such a long list of rules in my brain. My husband constantly reminded me of my failure if one thing was not done properly. I could not keep up with getting my children or housekeeper to follow the rules either.

I relish my new life where I still follow many of those rules because of decades of habit, but am relieved that no one is looking over my shoulder.

Tags:acoustic guitar, cataract surgery complications, composing, coping with divorce, divorce after a long marriage, eyesight adjustment, gray divorce, guitar, impending divorce, inspiration, loss, lovesong, Music, original songs, performing, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, writing
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WITH ME – PART 2

May 21, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This post is dedicated to my father. Today would have been his eighty-ninth birthday. One year ago today, he went into a coma and died five days later. My song “With Me” was written a month after his death.

Clicking the blue link below plays audio for my song, for which I’ve recorded a new vocal:

I look at the clouds and see your face

You’re watching me; smiling from space

Not sure where I’m going or when I’ll get there

But you are with me; you’re everywhere

When I’m discouraged, sometimes I crawl

You hold me up so I won’t fall

Not sure of my life now or where I will go

But you are with me; that much I know

With me, when I was born

With me as I mourn

With me in every song

You’re with me to keep me strong

With me every day

With me in every way

With me and always near

You take away all of my fear

Not sure of my future, but I’ve always known

That you are with me; I’m not alone

Though I can’t see you; you’re not in sight

Through the darkness you are my light

Not sure what will happen or how things will be

Yet I am certain, you are with me

With me, when I was born

With me as I mourn

With me in every song

You’re with me to keep me strong

With me every day

With me in every way

With me and always near

You take away the fear

With me when I cry

With me when I die

Watching my life unfold

You’re with me, as I grow old

You’re with me . . . as I grow old

My parents’ wedding portrait from 1950.

Oh dad, how quickly this year has gone by since your death. I can easily picture that moment when you died. You opened your eyes and I watched as your soul was lifted to god.

I was so blessed to have such a loving father as you. With mom’s dementia, we became close and were a comfort to each other.

I hated that you suffered so much. Even though you were in terrible pain, you were always worried about me. I miss having you there to worry about me. But on the other hand, I am very relieved that you are not here worrying about me!

I waited until you were gone to end my marriage; we talked about it and you completely supported me. But it was best that you did not witness my transition; it would have caused you great distress.

I loved sharing all of my excitement with you about my journey. At first you were skeptical, but later on you really had so much faith in me. You even listened to many of my audio stories and gave me feedback. I’m sorry that it was painful for you to listen to some of my stories. You said you could not bear hearing about my grief and suffering.

Dad, I still feel blanketed by your love. I look at clouds and imagine you watching me. If I close my eyes, I can hear your voice. When I cry, I feel your tears raining upon me from above.

I stay positive because I prefer for you to beam from heaven instead of crying.

You are with me always.

My parents gave me so much love and I still can feel it.

Things I wish I could tell my father:

Dad, I have been very careful not to let eggshells fall into the sink. You always told me not to put them in the garbage disposal because they turn into sand and cause problems.

I’ve tried hard to continue to grow my fingernails. You were so thrilled about that. Recently, I have had a few lapses where I’ve bitten them, but I’m certain I will overcome this.

I’m sorry we didn’t eat at IHOP (Pancake House) the week before you died. When you started to cry about it, I told you that it was easier to go to a different restaurant that day. I know you wanted me to find ways to make my life easier and I hoped you’d get over it. Now I regret it very much, especially because you went into a coma on your birthday.

Dad, you always raved about the eye surgeon who did cataract surgery on both you and mom. I knew you would have been happy knowing he did my cataract surgery, too. Only a few months after you died, I had my surgery.

I told this doctor how much you worshipped him before he operated on me. Even though he was an excellent surgeon, I know that if you were alive you would be very aggravated about my current situation.

Dad, I still carry your favorite “sand pillow” in my car. You wanted me to have it for you when you went to the dentist. Yesterday, I had an appointment and memories came back to me of us going together to that dentist shortly before you died.

You were in so much pain that day and still grateful that I took you to that appointment. You were elated just to be with me, even if it was going to the dentist!

I try not to correct other people by telling them to say “well” instead of “good.” I wish I felt well, and I try hard to stay positive because you loved me so much.

You would be proud that I am working on an illustration assignment.

And when I spent an hour dealing with Medi-Cal issues for mom yesterday, I could feel your sympathy. I heard you say, “Don’t deal with it, cut back!”

Unfortunately, I must deal with many things related to mom’s care. It is amazing the way she clings to life and I am blessed that she is comfortable and not in pain.

Thank you for leaving enough money to pay for her companion, Miriam.

The sale on my former house is going through. Thankfully, it came just in time so that there will be money for me to buy the coop and have funds to pay Miriam.

Your grandson misses you so much. He treasures the coin collection you gave to him and talks about it all the time. He tells me that he tries not to chew on ice and stands up straighter because he hears your voice. I hear those things, too.

His college graduation is tomorrow. You were trying hard to stay alive to see that day. I know you’ll be sitting right there with us. It is because of you that my son is who he is today. He has grieved you deeply and I remind him that you wouldn’t want him to be sad.

I wish there was some way that my brothers could reunite. I wish I could do more, but honestly I’m incapable right now. If you were still alive, you could not bear this – I know.

I realize now that you planned for me to live at your coop. Thank you, dad. You continue to take care of me from heaven.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, comfort while grieving, composing, dad died, death of a father, father's death, father's illness, grief, GRIEF RELATED, grieving a dad, grieving a father, grieving my dad, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, with me, writing
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MY TEARS I HIDE

May 17, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

The princess considered her music a “magical elixir.” It swirled around her like a soft blanket of comfort; it was indeed enchanting the way it soothed her soul.

Music was her true companion; it was such a special friend. Sometimes, she even envisioned a musical fairy dancing around her. The fairy’s name was Melody and God had sent this beautiful fairy to help her.

Melody was very attached to the princess and thankful that she could ease all of the princess’s sorrow. One day, God told Melody that the princess would face even more challenges. Melody wept because she wasn’t sure the princess could overcome sadness anymore.

For the past month, Melody had stayed close to the princess. She was so relieved that the princess was slowly lifting herself off the ground. Most of the time, the princess stayed positive and treasured the many wonderful aspects of her new life.

She did not miss the dragon and soon he would be leaving their castle. Their castle held many memories; sad ones, as well as happy ones. Now the castle had sold, and the princess realized that she never even bid it farewell.

It was too much for her to think about. For the moment, she decided that she far preferred her tiny cottage; to her it was paradise. She did have smaller dragons to deal with. At times it made her crazy, but she maintained her sense of humor. Her children were destined to be princes and princesses and she hoped that one day they would discover that.

She had dispelled a great deal of her sadness. The webs in her eye were still there, but she focused on other things.

But the spider named Sadness had other ideas. One night, she crept into the princess’s bed. The princess awoke to discover that suddenly webs were completely obscuring vision in the eye she relied on.

At first, she was incredulous. But then, the princess went into deep despair. All she could do was cry and grieve the vision she once had. She withdrew in sadness. The white spider had succeeded.

Melody alighted upon the princess and gently tried to lift her spirits. The princess’s lip trembled and her voice was shaky as she tried to continue singing. Melody swirled notes around the princess as the princess closed her eyes. Even though the webs were unbearable, Melody wove her magic within the webs as she cried along with her.

Once upon a time, the Princess began a journey to touch many people. Now the princess could barely remember when she was joyful. Her ocean of tears had returned.

Melody embraced the princess so tightly. The princess would journey with Melody and a white spider named Sadness for now.

Email message to a friend:

Yesterday, I had a big disturbance in my GOOD eye. Just like what happened to my left eye in January, the gel separated from the eye wall in my right eye. There are large areas of blurriness (from blood) and dark floaters everywhere on both eyes now. I am very discouraged. This is even harder and I am overwhelmed!

Today, I happen to have an appointment to see my eye surgeon. I waited three weeks for this appointment and it was to deal with dryness and inflammation – not this! I want to scream and cry. I hope I can hold it together.

I feel like I am walking through life with a filthy windshield now. All of my words to help other people with grief now apply to me. I hate this situation but have no alternatives.

It is very hard focus on anything. Thank god, for the music that is helping me now.

Message to a tennis friend: (my words are in blue)

I am having MORE problems with my eyes. I had another episode of bleeding inside my good eye. I’m very discouraged and do not feel like playing tennis tomorrow. I’ll play if you can’t find anyone – but I am definitely not in a good place.

My friends reply:

I don’t have another player but what can I say if you don’t want to play???

I’ll be there. I’m just having a tough time. But playing is probably good for me, even if my eyes are crummy. I have acuity, but not clarity. It’s hard to explain. I’m not blind, but I hate what is going on!

The next day, I drove to play tennis. I hardly had slept the night before. My mind crackled on and on; like a radio blaring it was noisy. I could hear my own audio stories with words that loudly echoed through my mind. I was thinking about my story named Grief 101. There was a part where I stated my true feelings about grief. I was angry with God and said: “How could you give me this amazing gift and then take it away!”

My eyesight could not possibly be comparable to my dead son, but I was grief-stricken. How would I live with this situation? What was my alternative? As I drove, I concentrated so as to drive safely. But blurriness and shadows were swirling everywhere. Later in the day, I would see my eye surgeon. However, I knew that there was nothing he would be able to do to help my vision. Seeing him was awkward. He felt he had done his part. He was an excellent surgeon and my cataract surgery was considered successful. Unfortunately, I had so many complications, which were probably a result of my extreme nearsightedness.

I openly sobbed as I drove. This was too much! I put on music to soothe myself and heal my pain. But still, pain and sadness were shooting through every fiber of my being.

The last thing I wanted to be doing was to be playing tennis at a country club. My Friday game was normally played at a backyard tennis court. But today it had been scheduled at this club because our usual court wasn’t available. I hoped I wouldn’t see anyone I knew. I wore dark glasses and held back tears as I exited my car.

My body was heavy and I felt very vulnerable as I held my racquet. I began warming up and was grateful that I could still hit the tennis balls with my annoying eyesight. This was certainly better for me than hiding in my apartment.

After a short while, I decided it was actually a beautiful day. I closed my eyes and felt a soft breeze. I inhaled the aroma of chaparral from the nearby hillside. Perhaps life could still be decent, even if my vision stayed this way. I was determined to find a way.

I was introduced to another woman player who was filling in for our group. When I told her I was going through a divorce, I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. I quickly let her know it was my choice and briefly shared my story. Then she said, “Well you must be happy about your decision, because there is definitely a glow coming from you.”

I was surprised to hear that. I didn’t feel like there was any glow about me. I accepted her words and was pleased that despite my pain I could still smile.

The two hours went by and as soon as it was over, I fled to my car. I needed my music to soothe me immediately. I was in an emotional crisis because I began crying again.

But playing tennis was excellent information for me. My eyesight was acceptable because I could still hit a tennis ball. I had actually played fairly well and that amazed me.

Later that day, I had an appointment with the ophthalmologist who had done my three cataract surgeries. Just as I expected, he explained to me that no treatment existed for annoying floaters; eventually I would get used to them. He examined my retinas, and they were intact; I was grateful about that. He did say that my dryness and inflammation could be treated with another eye drop medication. I left with a prescription. He said it would take at least several weeks before I would notice any improvement. His last words were, “Do not call me for another appointment until at least six weeks go by!”

I walked to my car with my eyes still dilated. My discomfort was so intense, that I began to cry again as I drove home. I stopped crying once I put on my music. Over and over, I thanked god for my musical elixir.

It was clear to me. My annoying eyesight was sucking the joy out of my life.

It made it difficult for me to concentrate and to do many things. It gave me headaches, especially when I was doing artwork. But I could still draw. I could drive. I could still work with my computer and play tennis. How fortunate I was!

My greatest challenge was to find my joy again. I suffered for so many years with grief, and was a zombie for decades after that. My journey had brought me boundless joy. Now I was sad and grieving for my former eyesight!

The insight from this was profound. Perhaps god had another message for me, since the word “insight” includes sight!

Grief is part of life.

In an instant, we can lose something that we take for granted. Time might heal, but moves slowly when you are in pain.

No one else can truly know of our pain unless they are also living with it. I do maintain hope that I will feel better soon, but at this moment I am simply putting one foot in front of the other.

This fairy statue captured my eye during a recent voice lesson with my teacher, Kimberly.

Recent music that I’ve created can be heard by clicking the blue links below. My song “Together” will soon have a post with a vocal. “Alabaster Seashell” is an older song, but it has a new vocal line:

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© 2013 by Judy Unger and
http://www.myjourneysinsight.com
. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:acoustic guitar, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, composing, creativity, Daily Life, deep despair, eyegel separation, eyesight issues, floaters, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, magical elixir, Music, overcoming challenges, princes and princesses, singing, songwriting, true companion
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YOU WERE THERE – PART 3

May 10, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the blue link below to hear my song:

These blue links are to other stories about this song:

YOU WERE THERE – PART 1

YOU WERE THERE – PART 2

YOU WERE THERE

All my life, every day; you were there when I’d need you

all the time, I just knew; you’d be there

and you’d see me through

I’ve always known, I’m not alone . . .

You were so strong; you’d pick me up when I’d fall down

so I can see all the strength you gave me

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

Everything that I did you’d applaud; you were right there watching me

as I grew, sharing joy and my heartache, too

I always knew, that I had you . . .

Now I’m so strong; I picked you up when you fell down

I’ve learned to see just how strong I could be

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

When you are gone, I’ll say a prayer

and I’ll remember how you were there

This picture of my mother and I was taken outside the coop where I am now living.

This picture of my mother and I was taken in the patio of the coop where I am now living. I see my old bicycle in the background.

My father saved a lot of my childhood artwork. I remembered drawing many of these pictures.

This picture is of my mother when she was young. It looks a little strange due to a photographer’s poor retouching. But my mother still looks very beautiful.

I took many pictures of my mother and I holding hands two years ago. I wanted them so I could create a song cover for “You Were There.” Sadly, my mother has had a terrible nail fungus for two years and her hands do not look like this any more.

For several months I was having more and more problems with my eyes. My eyesight consisted of dancing and annoying areas of shadows, fog and blurriness. I was still able to read, work and drive; I was grateful for that. But then I experienced pain; I felt like there were feathers and webs moving inside both my eyes. It became hard for me to keep them open. I played tennis once a week, but was frustrated and felt a lump in my throat as I kept missing easy shots. Perhaps I would take a break from it; I hated the feeling of wanting to cry and smiling for friends.

Because my eyes bothered me so much, going outside in the sunlight and being with people was hard for me. It was usually easier in those situations to close my eyes. I felt best when I was alone in my apartment; I retreated into my own world. I heard music and it took me to beautiful places instead.

Over the past week, I had followed an eye drop regimen to treat what an optometrist labeled “dryness and inflammation.” In one more week, I had the “first available” appointment with my ophthalmologist. I was not optimistic that my problem would improve.

I was angry at my circumstances, while at the same time having extreme determination to accept my fate. But it was quite difficult.

I had a lot of illustrations to create. As I worked, I concentrated and wore powerful glasses to help me see details. I was relieved that I could still illustrate.

Late at night, I allowed myself to edit the vocals that I continued to record. Mother’s Day was right around the corner and I was facing the one-year anniversary of my father’s death. For those reasons, I concentrated on two songs; one was for my mother and the other for my father.

Memories of their love had me very connected to both songs. I found it beautiful how I was able to channel my emotions into singing.

Ever since my father died, I became closer to my two older brothers. Both of them lived nearby. It was comforting knowing that they cared about me.

But sadly, my two brothers were not communicating with each other. I was grateful to have both of them, but sad about their rift and my fractured family.

Every Thursday, I had lunch with my middle brother, my mother, my nephew and my mother’s companion, Miriam.

On Saturdays, I met my older brother and sister-in-law for lunch with Miriam and my mother. Sometimes, a grandchild joined us.

My brother, Howard, is on my left and Norman is on my right. This was taken 13 years ago at my 40th birthday party.

It was Thursday, and I dashed out the door to pick up Miriam and my mother at the nursing home. As I drove, I enjoyed listening to the new vocals that I had been concentrating on all week. I had only finished assembling revised vocal lines at 1 a.m. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t made any mistakes putting them together when it was so late at night.

But everything sounded great. I always heard things that I wanted to fix, but had to let go of it. I didn’t have time now to fiddle with every song when I had so many to work on. Editing a vocal line probably required at least ten hours for me.

As I listened to my songs on the freeway, my heart was dancing. A few tears escaped and lightly streamed down my cheeks.

I realized that I was glad to be seeing my mother. I couldn’t believe that she was still on this earth. How lucky I was to be able to have lunch with her! I had looked for a Mother’s Day card to give her and my heart ached searching for a card that I knew she couldn’t read. But Miriam would read it aloud to her and display it on her nightstand at the nursing home.

Sadly, my mother’s dementia continued to advance. She became thinner because her memory of chewing and swallowing had faded. Pureed food became necessary, and gelatin had to be added to any liquids.

But she clearly lived for these lunch outings. On good days, she smiled broadly. However, most of time now she was very quiet. When she did try to talk, her words made no sense. Often during these lunches, everyone simply talked as if she wasn’t there. I wondered what she could process and if she was aware of what was going on around her.

Something was definitely keeping her going.

Miriam was waiting for me in the parking lot of the nursing home as I drove up. She pushed my mother’s wheelchair next to my car. I noticed how my mother’s body was in a contorted position and she looked skeletal. In order to get into my car, my mother needed to stand; it was a herculean effort for her.

After Miriam strapped her in, I leaned across my car so I could kiss my mother. There was no doubt that she knew it was me. Whenever I drew close, her eyes beamed with love.

It was clear that my mother was quite exhausted from getting into my car. She began to cough and her spasms were deep; she was rattling with congestion. I reminded myself to call the charge nurse later and check to see if she was receiving breathing treatments.

We arrived at our usual restaurant, and I took a seat. My brother and nephew were waiting for us. I glanced around to look for a certain waitress. In my purse, I had a CD for her. A few weeks earlier, I had told her about my music on my blog. The following week, she warmly hugged me and told me that she had enjoyed reading my stories and listening to my songs. I was touched.

It was always helpful for me to connect with other people by sharing. It gave me a sense of purpose and fueled my journey.

It was interesting though that my middle brother had never heard any of my music. I was hesitant to share a CD with him – I decided it was probably because I didn’t want to impose upon his time. I knew he considered my music and writing a “hobby.”

As I sat looking at my mother across from me, my thoughts drifted. I decided that this was probably my last Mother’s Day with her. It just didn’t seem possible for her to continue this way.

Our lunch went by quickly. My eyes hurt and I closed them whenever possible. I sang in my mind and it relaxed me. I was also preparing myself for the recording session I had in two hours.

Whenever I sang, I was uplifted. I loved connecting with my vocal cords; the sensation was amazing and completely new for me. Singing brought me joy; I even connected with god. Life was great because I had music.

My mother’s cough seemed worse than usual, and it was time to go. I said goodbye to the wonderful people working at the restaurant and hugged my brother and nephew.

Because of my mother’s fatigue, she was unable to stand up in order to get into my car. Miriam ended up lifting her out of her wheelchair like a rag doll. My mother grunted as she collapsed into the front seat.

On a whim, I asked Miriam to take a few pictures of my mother sitting next to me in my car. It didn’t concern me that I had not spent one iota of time on my appearance. I only wished I had thought of it earlier, before my mother became so tired.

As I drove back to the nursing home, I was excited to share my new vocal for “You Were There” with my mother and Miriam. I plugged my iPod into my car’s audio system. For over ten years, my old mini-van did not have a working radio. Now that I was leasing a new car, I loved listening to music and as a result, I really enjoyed driving.

The notes of “You Were There” began to fill my car and all of my sadness dissipated. My heart was bursting with joy.

I looked over at my mother and her eyes were closed. Then I turned around to look at Miriam in the backseat. Miriam was mouthing the words to my song. I could see her eyes were glistening in the sunlight.

We were at a stoplight and I felt compelled to lean close to my mother so I could whisper in her ear. I said, “This song is for you mom. Every word is absolutely true!” I was surprised when she lightly nodded.

A moment later, we arrived at the nursing home. Miriam jumped out and I popped the trunk so she could take out my mother’s portable wheelchair.

My song was almost over. It softly ended with violin strings playing the last note. I gently unbuckled my mother’s seatbelt and she opened her eyes.

“I loved seeing you for lunch, mom.” Then I asked her, “Did you like my song?”

Her lips softly moved. Her words were clear and soft. I was stunned. I felt waves of emotion sweep through me.

Miriam pushed my mother’s wheelchair through the gate and they disappeared.

Like sweet notes of wind chimes, what my mother had clearly spoken aloud continued to reverberate through my mind.

Over and over, I heard her whispered words.

“I like it. It’s beautiful.”

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Caregiving, composing, creativity, dementia, guitar, I picked you up, inspiration, loss, love for a mother, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, Mother's Day tribute, mother's illness, Mother's love, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, tribute to my mother, You Were There
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MY DREAM STILL GLOWS

May 2, 2013

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Below I share a new vocal for my song “My Dream.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Below is a blue link to my story about this song.

Story behind MY DREAM

Currently, I am creating many fruit illustrations for a line of yogurt labels.

It felt strange not to check the box that said “married” when I filled out this form a few weeks ago.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FOG

As the Princess continued her journey, she sometimes wondered how she stayed so strong. She didn’t rely on anyone; she marveled at her strength and determination. What she loved most was that she had not an iota of regret for choosing to follow her heart.

A few months earlier, the Princess emerged from a tunnel into blinding sunlight. But the brilliance quickly faded into darkness. The Princess was able to avoid the holes in her landscape and stayed positive because love continued to light her way. Gradually the inky blackness turned to gray and then the sky became white.

It was then that she noticed a fog had rolled in . . .

The fog was wispy at first, but soon it surrounded her in every direction.

The Princess hated to complain. Despite her awareness that worrying sucked away her energy, she began to wonder if the fog would ever lift. It was extremely annoying. She reminded herself that there was no hurry for her to get to any destination, because she loved where she was going. In her heart, she knew how valuable she was. She loved her journey.

Despite the fog, it was easy for the princess to have faith. When many gold coins suddenly fell in front of her path, it was something she never expected. Material items were unimportant for her, and yet this came at a time when her debt was overwhelming her. She believed there was definitely a message to find with those coins.

But then the fog began to hurt her eyes; and it wasn’t just annoying anymore. The Princess realized she was truly alone, as the fog separated her from a familiar world.

It wasn’t hard for her to be alone, she was just so discouraged by the pain. So she looked at her journey in the fog as an opportunity to find even more clarity.

Her eyes were half closed and she did not have much energy as she gritted her teeth and continued to move forward. Tears spilled down her cheeks easily.

Then the fog began to dance and she felt extreme heaviness. Spider webs appeared in her eyes and she felt her body slowing down. It was exhausting. Now there were silken webs tightening around her feet and pulling with each step. She tried to move, but instead she softly fell to the ground.

Her painful eyes were like slits. She heard a voice and through her half-closed eyes she saw a white spider grinning and cackling at her. The spider was speaking. It’s voice was very familiar and sounded like an old woman.

The Princess asked the spider, “Why are you here?”

The spider answered, “My dear, I am joining you and I know you remember me. There was a time when we spent all of our time together for many, many years.”

The Princess was weak and did not want to answer. But she asked the white spider, “What is your name?”

The spider tiptoed and whispered into the princess’s ear while she was still lying prone on the ground.

“My name is Sadness. Let’s travel together. While I am with you, we can even find many of those old memories that I am a part of.”

The princess felt her eyes glaze over. She was tired of crying and pulling at the webs. It was nice not to be alone anymore. She rested with Sadness and did not move for a long time.

But then the princess began to miss her musical elixir. She softly sang to herself and could feel her soul glowing with pleasure.

Magically, the webs surrounding her body began to melt away.

She ignored the spider on the ground as she stood up.

The white spider began to shriek, “You cannot do that – I am here to stay with you. You have no reason to push me away. I want to keep you company!”

The Princess smiled. She was relieved that she had not lost her ability to smile or sing. She ripped off the remaining webs that bound her and watched them float away. The magical elixir of music continued to fill her heart.

Now that she had vanquished the spider, she was even more certain of her strength. She sang loudly and freely and beamed with an inner glow.

Although her exterior felt ravaged by circumstances, inside she felt quite beautiful. Her appearance might not be sparkling, but that was unimportant for her because she knew it was temporary.

She remained thankful for so many things, but especially to God for giving her the musical elixir to help her. God even blessed her with gold coins to make her journey easier.

There was no reason to stop in the fog. It would lift someday. Until then, sadness would never be her companion again.

And with her music, she was never alone.

Recent email update to my family and friends:

This has been a most difficult time in my life. My eye problems have continued. A month ago I had a laser treatment called a capsulotomy, which treats a common cataract complication. It caused my vision to become clearer, but also left me with more noticeable floaters. I was told that was temporary.

After the procedure, my eyes continued bothering me. I could not shake the feeling that something was inside my eyes; it worsened and became painful. It was like I had spider webs in my eyes! I called my surgeon’s office. The receptionist from the ophthalmology department told me over the phone that it sounded like dryness and I needed to simply use artificial tears. I have been disappointed with the treatment I’ve received since my cataract surgery. When I was told that there were no appointments available, I found myself crying on the phone. Due to my insistence, I was given an appointment to see an optometrist instead.

At that appointment, I was told that my eyelids and tear ducts were inflamed. Steroid eye drops were prescribed and I was told to see my eye surgeon in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I continue to work on a wonderful illustration project. I am thankful that I can easily see my large computer screen, however, working has certainly made the dryness in my eyes much worse.

My project is going well and is a godsend to my life. So far, my layouts have been well received. I am illustrating fruit, which is my specialty.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for. My daughter found a job, my oldest son is graduating college and my youngest son did an amazing job performing in a play at his new school.

The sale of my former home fell through and now a second buyer is having difficulty getting a loan. It will be two weeks before we will know if this sale will go through. I am not terribly affected by this, but I am concerned about the effect on my son and former husband. I trust that things will work out. If this sale does not go through, our home might sell for even more because the marketplace is excellent at the moment.

Music is still an IV for my soul. Even though I work long hours illustrating, I take breaks to sing and record several times a week. I have already recorded vocals for 24 songs and have 14 left. My voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes, continues to help me sing freely with a great connection to my vocal chords. Also, once a week I work on song arrangements with my arranger George.

My divorce will probably become final around the end of the year. I hope you are well and appreciate all of the support you have given me.

Love, Judy

I am so thankful for my mother’s companion, Miriam, who keeps my mother smiling. I feel very close to her, because she has made such a difference to our family with her devotion to my mother.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cryed with joy as we celebrated it.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cried with joy when we celebrated it.

Guess which is the most important tool I use while illustrating? My iPod!

Tags:acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, beautiful music, Caregiving, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, escape through music, guitar, hopefulness, humor daily life, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, metaphors, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, musical comfort, musical inspiration, my dream, optimism, original songs, princess metaphor, singing, songwriting, writing
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MY DREAM HAS ME BLESSED

April 8, 2013

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This picture was taken on a camping trip when I was in college. Playing my guitar around a campfire was so beautiful for me!

To lift my spirits, I have begun recording some of my love songs. I realize I sing many sad songs, but I also have upbeat ones. Here is a new “vocal in progress” for my song “Crystal Oceans.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

–

In February of 2009, my 84-year-old mother was released from a hospital and into a nursing facility. She had been on a respirator for two months and it was a miracle she recovered.

I started writing my blog a week after that and my journey of insight began. For my very first entry, I shared how giddy I was that I would soon be meeting a producer in the music business. My childhood friend, Joni, had arranged this appointment with Jud Friedman. Here is a paragraph from his website:

6-Time Oscar, Grammy and Golden Globe Nominated Hit Songwriter

I have had multiple nominations for Oscars, Grammies and Golden Globes and hits with songs such as “Run To You” by Whitney Houston, “I Don’t Have The Heart” by James Ingram and “For The First Time” by Kenny Loggins. I’ve written for and worked with artists ranging from Barbra Streisand to Rod Stewart to Ray Charles to, most recently, Charice and Toni Braxton.

I really had no idea where it would lead. I definitely thought the experience would be fun to write about on my new blog.

So I began practicing my guitar again, and I tried to remember some of the original songs I had written as a teenager. It certainly seemed like such a strange thing for me to be doing at the age of 50!

Prior to my wedding in 1981, I was dancing the can-can in the dressing room with all of my bridesmaids. My childhood friend, Joni, was the most glamorous bridesmaid and everyone mentioned how absolutely gorgeous she looked on that day.

I decided to go back to find my emails with Joni about this appointment. Here they are!

February 7, 2010

Judy, I spoke with Jud and he can see you for an hour this coming Friday in the morning at his home. Can you make it? If so, you can meet me at my home and we can both go over together. Or if you would prefer, you can meet him solo. Bring your demo, or guitar or both, whichever you would like. Looking forward to your reply!

Love, Joni

Dear Joni,

I feel my heart palpitating already – OMG. Okay, I’m taking deep breaths. A whole hour? Wow! I think I have about ten songs I could play. That much time is very, very generous of him. Thank you so much for putting this together, Joni! It has added so much excitement to my world!

Is he really hard to get in to see? Because I wouldn’t mind if we met instead the following week, so that I could be more “practiced.” My fingers are so sore, and I hope I’ll be up to speed by Thursday – oh whatever, it’s just exciting to dream.

Love, Judy

P.s. My heart is pounding, I’ve got to try to be calm about all this!

I wrote about the experience on these posts:

#3 CAPABLE SONGWRITER, JUST NOT CONTEMPORARY

#4 REDISCOVERING WHAT I LOVE TO DO – PART 1

Joni and I grew up as playmates. We lived in a coop in North Hollywood from infancy until college. I moved back to that same coop six months ago. My father had died and I needed to sell it. But then, I realized it was an affordable place for me to live when I ended my marriage.

Joni still lived in the same neighborhood with her husband and four children, less than half a mile away. I was always amazed at how many memories both of us carried from our childhood; it was such a beautiful thing to have her as my friend.

After meeting Jud, I was completely inspired. Suddenly, I found myself drawn to playing my guitar again and my journey began!

This blog is a fabulous record of the fairytale my life became as a result of my musical rediscovery.

Currently, two of my children live with me in my coop. One of the biggest reasons that I decided to move back to it was because my 16-year-old son would be attending a new high school that was two blocks away. His school represented a new beginning for him. He would still see his father and older brother on the weekends.

Once again, this all led to another amazing coincidence in my life.

I actually ran into Jud, the music producer while at a school meeting for my son. There he was sitting near me! Jud certainly remembered me because only a few months earlier, I met with him for a second time to share my musical progress. He was very impressed to see what I had accomplished two years later and once again, he was very generous with his time and knowledge.

Now all of this ended up becoming even more interesting!

Last week, my teenage son called me to pick him up after socializing with some friends. They had walked from a bowling alley to a nearby coffee shop.

When I arrived to pick him up, he came out with another boy. Then he asked me if I could give his friend a ride home.

It turned out it was Jud’s son!

For twenty minutes, the two of us had an animated conversation. I told him how wonderful Jud was and how his father had inspired me to begin writing songs again. Jud’s son was beaming and enthusiastic as he spoke about his father and the amazing experience he had attending the Academy Awards as his dad’s guest. It was beautiful to hear about it.

Until I reached his home, we both chattered on about music while I drove. After his friend exited my car, my own son joined me in the front seat. His face was dour. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset that I had discussed my music with his friend. I accepted it because it seemed to be typical teenager behavior.

But then my son told me it bothered him most that I had mentioned Jason and the songs I wrote about him.

He said he did not want me mentioning his dead brother in his presence ever again.

I tried to be calm, but inside my stomach was churning. I explained to my son about grief and memories. Our discussion began to escalate and it was hard for me to contain my sadness. I whispered to my son I was sorry, and then I turned away so he wouldn’t see my tears.

Later on, I found a moment to allow myself to truly cry.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children. This picture was taken at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

My journey began with Joni’s suggestion. Joni knew Jud because her son was dating his daughter at that time.

My journey went in a new and wonderful direction with another one of her suggestions!

Three months ago, she said to me, “Jude, my daughter has a boyfriend and he’s a musical genius. If you are looking for someone who knows a lot about music, I’m certain he could help you.”

I had mentioned to her that I wanted to learn more about music programming and mixing. She texted me his phone number.

Who would have thought my good friend’s children and their dating partners could lead to such amazing things?

I spoke to her daughter’s boyfriend; his name was Darrin Kohavi.

Darrin was an avid songwriter, composer and singer. He played classical piano and worked in the music industry. He came from a musical family and certainly knew a great deal about recording music.

I introduced myself to him and he was very friendly on the phone. I found out later that Joni had already shared my blog with him.

I told Darrin I was having difficulty recording in my coop. It was complicated and noisy. Also, my teenagers hated my singing and I was inhibited.

Darrin gave me a perfect solution. He said there was recording studio less than half a mile from my coop. He explained that it was at his parents’ home. He didn’t live there, but he could meet me there to record vocals. We set up an appointment that week.

Right away, I was elated. Darrin’s recording area was almost sound proof, and he had an excellent pre-amp. We did some test recordings and they were beautiful. He was willing to accommodate me for half hour sessions at a reasonable price.

I was delighted and ready to start recording vocals. We began working together.

Darrin was a soft-spoken and relaxed young man. He had long locks of curly black hair and a sweet smile. Whenever I sang, he always gave me gentle encouragement. It turned out, he was quite experienced from recording his own vocals; he understood so much about what I was doing.

Here are examples of our exchanges:

Judy: (After singing a song five times) I sound raspy, don’t I?

Darrin: Yes, but the vibe is great.

Judy: Have you ever had your voice get raspy like that?

Darrin: Oh, sure!

Judy: Those mouth clicks are driving me crazy! Do you get those, too?

Darrin: All the time!

Judy: Everything was sounding great until my foot squeaked. Has that happened to you?

Darrin: It sure has and you have to watch those things!

Judy: It’s hard to sing when I cry – sorry!

Darrin: Don’t worry; you have lots of other takes to work with.

Judy: Not bad for my first take?

Darrin: Warm up!

Judy: How did that one sound?

Darrin: I liked that one a lot.

Below is one of Darrin’s songs. My daughter tells me his song reminds her of The Beatles. I share it on my blog with his permission. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Love Is All Around – Darrin Kohavi

I realize that going through a divorce, having eyesight issues and living in close quarters with two teenagers has been challenging. My mother’s continued decline is also quite difficult.

But the joy that I receive from singing is my blessing!

Today, I brought a camera along to my recording session to add pictures to my story.

Darrin’s parents are wonderful and if his mother or father had been home, they would have taken a picture of us together. Instead, I captured him at his computer with his dog and he snapped pictures of me at the microphone.

Tags:acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, Darrin Kohavi, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Jud Friedman, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Music and recording, musical rediscovery, original songs, recording, recording studio, singing, songwriting, vocal concepts, vocals, vocals and recording
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I OPENED MY EYES AND I CLOSED THEM AGAIN

April 7, 2013

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This image of me resting was taken when I was 19. This rendition is for my audio book story surrounding my song “So Real.” My post title is a line of lyrics from that song.

This image of me resting was taken when I was 19. This rendition is for my audio book story surrounding my song “So Real.” This post is a line of lyrics from that song.

I have been feverishly recording new vocals for many of my arrangements. I share below some of my new emotional renditions. Clicking the blue links plays audio:

I share some lesson clips below with my voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes. Last week we worked on my song “With Me.” What stands out for me the most is my laughter and joy while I am with Kimberly.

BLOG EXCERPT KIMBERLY LESSON A 3-31-13

BLOG EXCERPT KIMBERLY LESSON B 3-31-13

This image is for my audio book story about my song “No Words.” The baby is actually my daughter, who was born 11 months after Jason died.

An email update I sent out a week ago:

Hi friends and family,

I just wanted to update everyone about my eyes etc. On Tuesday, I had laser treatment on both of my eyes to clear the remaining cataract that intruded upon my vision. The complication I had was very common and almost immediately I could see that everything was brighter. But once the dilation wore off I saw numerous dark floaters, which was something the eye doctor told me I would have for a few days.

Unfortunately, the problem in my left eye is still quite pronounced for me. When the gel in my eye separated from the eye wall, there was some blood inside my gel. That is causing the blurriness. The doctors have told me it will improve, but it will take time – possibly even a year until it is absorbed.

All of this has been very hard for me to deal with. I try to stay positive, even though I often have a sensation like I have cobwebs in both my eyes. I was told there is no reason for this.

In the meantime, I am thankful that working on the computer is not a problem for me. It is when I’m not working, that my eyes bother me. Although this is challenging, I celebrate the many beautiful things that are happening in my new life.

I am thrilled to be working on a wonderful illustration assignment, which is going quite well. The income will allow me to continue singing and moving forward.

Love, Judy

This image is for my audio story named “The Amputation of My Soul.”

The princess had fallen on the ground many times before. Each and every time she found a way to rise up again. It was familiar for her.

The difference was that now she was older and she no longer had parents to envelop her with support and love. So she found love elsewhere, and continued to marvel at her strength.

She was far away from the dragon now and glad that he was finally moving forward in a new direction. She cared about him even though she disliked his presence.

Although she had tremendous energy, the princess was sad and cried easily. Not long ago, she had imagined she could choose either a rock or a gold coin to represent each day. She realized that her days were not precious anymore and she only carried rocks. Music lightened her load, but it was still heavy. With every tear she shed, a new pebble was added to the quarry upon her back.

Her greatest burden was that her eyes continuously bothered her. It wasn’t something anyone could see, but it affected her deeply into the core of her being. Whenever she opened her eyes she felt silken strands resting upon the surface of her eyeball. The wispiness in her vision made her imagine she was in a cocoon. Her vision felt wobbly and she often closed her eyes.

She lived within her dreams, and imagined herself to be a butterfly. Her wispy world represented her cocoon, and she preferred instead to wrap herself in music.

To everyone else, she was a capable and functioning woman. She felt less than capable, and was not compassionate with herself. There were many careless mistakes she made, and she saw it as a sign that her attention was elsewhere. It was hard for her to be forgiving because her errors were foolish and expensive. More than a few bills went unpaid, but she tried not to cry over anything related to money.

The princess was determined not to wallow in self-pity. Her courage was something she continued to take pride in. Although she had no regrets, sometimes she had deep sadness over all the years lost living as a zombie.

The doctors told her that eventually her eyesight would improve. But for now, she was suffering so much and living in discomfort.

She was determined to accept it. By allowing for pain, she knew that pleasure would return again for her someday.

The princess never gave up hope. Hope was always her true message. She would emerge from her cocoon and take flight with beautiful wings into the sky.

In her past, she had suffered losses that were much more difficult. When she grieved, her world was silent and sad. Music continued to bless her life and she drank in her magical elixir. Even without the eyesight of her youth, her music transported her to beautiful places.

And so it was, that at her lowest point her faith was rewarded.

With her eyes were closed, she suddenly felt herself immersed in a shower of gold coins. The very thing she hadn’t expected began to lightly tap upon her. She looked up into the sky and all the rocks that she was carrying dropped aside as the gold coins sprinkled around her.

The coins sparkled and would light the way now to make her path easier.

It was clear. She would continue following her heart. This was such a beautiful sign. The timing was amazing and reminded her again how she was blessed.

She thanked god.

Tags:cataract surgery complications, challenges, composing, creativity, eyesight issues, GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, No Words, original songs, So Real, Songs about bereavement, songs about grief, songs about loss, songwriting, voice lessons, writing
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IT’S NO SECRET ANYMORE

March 20, 2013

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I share here a recent new vocal for my song “Set You Free.” In the latter half of my song, I cry while singing because I deeply miss my father who died 9 months ago. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

I also share here a brief recent audio clip from my voice lesson last week with Kimberly Haynes:

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/17/13 BLOG EXCERPT

“Setting myself free”

I had planned to release my first audio book early this year, but now I’ve decided to record new vocals for the songs that accompany my book’s stories. Much of my current writing and new songs are material for a second audio book that I plan to create.

For such a long time, my children and husband were skeptical and annoyed with my confidence about the new direction in my life. I stopped sharing anything about it with them and kept everything to myself. The joy that came from my music and writing was tempered by the fact that my family saw no monetary value in it.

Although my income as an illustrator had considerably shrunk from what it was a decade earlier, I still had a steady revenue from my stock illustrations. I always held out faith that there would be a custom assignment; occasionally they came along to fuel my faith just when my self-esteem was at a low point.

Once again, this happened for me! It might be awhile before I post again because I received a large project this week. I will be painting many fruit illustrations that will be used on yogurt labels for a national brand.

A quick photo taken with my cell phone, I sit in that chair and sing vocals for my songs.

“I go to places that heal me”

I could not have passionately pursued my love for writing and music without separating from my husband. There are arranging and recording costs that I now bear – and gladly. Although my soon-to-be ex thought he was supportive, I felt uncomfortable continuing to spend our money on something he felt was a drain. It was as if I was keeping a secret from him. Initially, I didn’t feel that way. But one day I woke up to the fact that I was only able to truly express myself through my song lyrics. The sadness of that overwhelmed me. People who read my blog and heard my songs understood me better than my own family!

With my separation, I heard this line from my husband of: “You probably need to go out and get a job.” Initially I thought that might be true, especially since I wouldn’t have health insurance.

But life is all about choices. Certainly, when I went to buy my first car in 20 years – I didn’t splurge on a sports car! (I leased a Honda Civic, which I am enjoying). I’ve chosen a frugal lifestyle in order to pursue my passions. With my father’s death, living in the coop where I grew up was a wonderful opportunity for me. I am also thankful to have both of my brothers supporting me in this decision; they have really been there for me. I plan to pay them for their interest in the coop once my former home sells and I receive money from it.

I see great value in what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I am unapologetic. I believe I am the richest woman in the world!

There is a wonderful line in my song “The Unknown.” It is: “I go to places that heal me.” That is what my life is about; I heal myself and hope to heal other people, too.

Below are some words I wrote two months ago. With my divorce agreement pending, it was not in my best interest to talk about how devoted I am to my music.

Prior to rediscovering my love for music and writing at the age of fifty, my career was one as a commercial artist. Throughout the time I was an illustrator, my children were my highest priority.

My firstborn child, Jason died at the age of five. Because he had a congenital heart defect, I needed to by very involved with his care. I was fortunate I worked at home and was able to be alert to his needs.

For many years, I also advocated for my three living children in order to obtain whatever services they needed in school. When I began my blog, I wrote a lot about them and what being an advocate entailed. My motive was to help others who were also struggling with similar issues. I also wrote to release trauma I carried due to many tough situations involving my children.

Six months after writing about those experiences, I deleted most everything that related to my family. In the beginning, they gave me permission to write and share things about them. But many things changed after I suddenly “woke up” and was not the same person I was before I found my joy.

My family did not want anything to change, especially the doting mother that I was before.

When I started writing my blog and singing again I never imagined that I’d find something completely separate from my children to write about!

I was illustrating fruit when I was seven.

My professional fruit illustrations-

I might never have discovered my love for writing and music if my career as an illustrator had continued to keep me busy. When I was receiving a lot of work, I managed to juggle all the things I dealt with related to my children, parents and household responsibilities.

But gradually my workload diminished and custom assignments were rare.

Many of the people whom I worked with in that industry were also left without jobs – art directors, designers and agents; there were so many people who needed to reinvent their careers. I bemoaned how computers decimated artistry and eliminated so much of the human creative process. I complained how digital paintings were nothing compared to my original watercolor paintings. But then I completely readjusted my thinking!

A close-up of one of my watercolor paintings.
I love the fuzz on the stem, which I created with colored pencil.

Music, writing and art combined with my computer have made my world richer than any palace on earth!

I believe that this time period was the perfect one for me to be born into. The computer has allowed me to create things that I never believed were possible. I love how I can type fast and furiously to capture the words I hear in my mind.

But I do not use my computer for composing my songs. They are done with a pen and paper and my beloved acoustic guitar. Writing song lyrics is a process that I find quite mysterious. I do not choose to write them. I hear a song and when I sing, the words are there.

I have composed and recorded unique guitar arrangements for many of my songs. I transfer my recordings to a computer where I can edit them. Then with the help of my arranger, George, instrumentation is added until my song becomes a magical symphony. The process of editing vocals was something I taught myself. I compile a vocal line using the best parts of numerous takes.

Creating unique images for my blog also gives me the opportunity to utilize my artistic abilities on the computer. I’m adept at Photoshop and love using my own artwork and photographs.

Overall, the computer has made writing, music and illustrating fantastic for me. I believe there are no limits to what I can do creatively. And there is one simple reason for it.

It is because I have given myself permission.

At the age of 53, I’ve decided this time is my renaissance. I embrace it and I love it!

My statement of giving myself permission to allow for creativity is a huge one. On so many levels, it is about believing in myself.

I really do feel that I have a lot to offer the world. Allowing myself full creative expression after decades of stuffing everything inside, has allowed me to heal. The musical of my life is exploding from my heart and I cannot hold it back anymore.

Plus, I’ve decided that this is my life and the way I want to live it. Even without a “real job,” I am determined to find ways to continue my renaissance. I have dedicated my life to creating music, songs and stories, which I hope will inspire and heal many people.-

A Recent update:

Dear Family and Friends,

I have a few things I can share – a lot has been going on for me! First of all, my children are doing well. They are adjusting and I am proud of all three of them.

For two months, I have had some continuing eye issues. I followed my good friend, Dr. Sam’s suggestion and saw a retinal specialist outside of my HMO for another opinion. It turns out that the fogginess in my left (and right eye, too) is a separate issue from my floater episode. There is a remaining edge to a cataract, which sometimes intrudes and is cloudy – a simple laser procedure can eliminate the cloudiness and solve my problem.

The procedure is scheduled in two weeks. I am trying hard to find out if it could happen sooner.

My divorce is proceeding. There are many issues left regarding back support and money related to our homes that our lawyers are working on resolving. But child and spousal support has begun for me! The agreement was signed at the end of February.

Our home went on the market a week ago. It sold for well over the list price – we had 8 offers! The housing market is definitely cooking. Escrow opens on Monday and our broker said it would take 17 days to be sure if our sale will go through or not. So I am crossing my fingers. My husband and oldest son do not yet know where they are moving.

My mother continues to hang in there. She cannot communicate much – but she still recognizes family and she can say, “I love you.” I go out with her to lunch in a restaurant two times a week. Miriam (my mom’s companion) dotes on her and my mom adores her.

I am living in a small coop/apartment with two of my children in North Hollywood. I have been devoting myself to my music. I found a wonderful recording studio near my apartment where I am recording vocals for the music CD that will accompany my book. The musician helping me is named Darrin, he is extremely talented and his parents have become wonderful new friends of mine.

But my music must pause briefly because I was awarded a large illustration assignment this week. It will keep me very busy for a while. Things are definitely looking up for me!

Love, Judy

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Door.” I have not yet publicly shared two of my songs. I plan to share my song “The Door” very soon.

Below are clips from a discussion about it with my former vocal coach Peaches in July of 2012. Clicking the blue links play audio:

PEACHES LESSON A – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

PEACHES LESSON B – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

These are my lyrics for “The Door” in progress. These are lyrics that I didn’t use.

Lyrics for “The Door” in progress; I didn’t use these particular ones.

Tags:acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Art and Illustration, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, digital illustration, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, floral painting, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing and grief, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, watercolor painting, watercolors, writing
Posted in Healing and Hope | 6 Comments »

LIEBSTER AWARD

February 25, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

I want to thank Tersia Burger. She has nominated me for the Liebster Award.

Tersia writes with heartbreaking honesty. Her writing about her daughter’s life and death really affected me. Tersia’s blog impacted me so much that I dedicated one of my songs to her daughter, Vicky:

Never Gone Away.

It amazes me how as a result of blogging, I’ve formed a wonderful friendship on the other side of the world. Here is a link that shares more about our friendship when it began:

Music Rescued My Soul

Tersia honors me by nominating me for the Liebster award and I humbly accept!

http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/

Rules of The Liebster Award

1. You must thank the person who gave you this award

2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog

3. You should nominate 7 other blogs

4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves

5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you

6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer

7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post

Seven Blogs I Nominate:

http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/

http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/

http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/

http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/

http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/

http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/

11 Things About Me:

1. My children are everything to me.

2. I am amazed at how many chords and lyrics I have memorized. I’ve composed well over 40 original songs and can play all of them by heart. The guitar parts can be quite complicated and some songs are played in several keys. I still remember many of the several hundred cover-songs I used to play, too.

3. I refused to learn how to use a computer and avoided learning to email for many years. So now I am very proud of how proficient I’ve become. I’ve found the computer is an incredible tool that truly assists me with music, art and writing. My excellent English and typing skills have been very useful for blogging. I am adept with Photoshop; it also has been very handy for me. I am proud and grateful that I embraced the digital age after resisting it for so long. I can’t wait to start recording my second audio book!

4. When I began my blog and started writing in 2010, I never would have believed it would lead to me to the decision to divorce my husband after 31 years of marriage.

5. Occasionally, I miss painting with watercolors, but my passion for art has been overshadowed by music. When I record and hear a new song, my heart bursts with joy. I usually cry when I’m singing. My songs are like babies. Nothing moves me like music.

6. I treasure my smile. I love to laugh and enjoy telling puns. It both irritates and amazes my friends.

7. I am very dangerous on the tennis court. All of the women whom I play women’s doubles with would agree. It is such great therapy for me to hit a tennis ball. Unfortunately, it is embarrassing when it rockets into my opponent’s face!

8. Although my mother has dementia and cannot understand much, she lights up when we’re together and exudes deep love for me. I bask in her light and appreciate that I’ve had her as long as I have; she is a miraculous survivor. She inspires me with her ability to hang in there, and I believe it’s because of her deep love for life and family.

9. I miss my father who died last year. But I feel him with me, especially since I sleep in the same bed and bedroom where he used to.

10. I love to write and express myself. My guitar is my best friend. I especially love dreaming about where my life will go. But if it remains the way it is now, I’m perfectly fine with that.

11. I am extremely open and honest. I can easily share my intimate feelings. My music rediscovery blossomed as a result of my opening up and I know that I’ve touched many people with my writing and music. When I began my blog, I shared many personal details about my children because my life was focused upon them for many years. I am grateful that I was able to move from writing about them to discovering my own life!

MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS TO ANSWER FROM TERSIA:

1) Are you addicted to your STATS?

Unfortunately, yes. Sometimes, I’ve added up the minutes per day checking them and realize it takes up a lot of my time. But I keep doing it!

2) What country do you live in?

The United States.

3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?

I loved my fiftieth birthday where my dear tennis friends surrounded me. I also loved my fortieth birthday, which was a surprise party given to me by Norm and Jo (my brother and sister-in-law) and my parents. For my next major party (sixtieth) I’d definitely want my children there and perhaps 20 friends.

4) What is your favourite post?

My favorite post on my blog is: All I have left after the death of my child. I love it because it crystallizes everything that I express with my writing and music. The picture of my deceased son, Jason, biking with ET, gets me every time. He was such a happy child!

Inspiring hope of healing is what Jason wants me to share with the world. Our love is as deep as it was when I last cradled him in my arms, even though it has been twenty years since he died.

–

5) Who is your inspiration when writing?

Since childhood, I’ve written hearing a voice in my mind that I’ve called “Judy of the Future.” I always listen for her wise voice. I do believe that God inspires me now. I lived without faith and disliked religion for years, even more so after my son’s death. But now I feel blessed and inspired. I understand my purpose in life and accept that I’ll die someday. My life is precious.

6) Introvert or extrovert?

Both. I love playing my guitar and writing while alone. I also love sharing with other people. I have a lot to say in both cases!

7) Why do you read my blog?

I came across your blog, Tersia, while searching for blogs about grief. I wanted to carry my message of hopefulness to people in deep grief. But your blog had me bawling because unlike helping people who have lost a child, your daughter was still alive and suffering. I couldn’t imagine anything I could do to help. I didn’t expect to hear back from you when I shared my song “Set You Free.” Then you turned my world upside down by posting it and announcing how my song helped you. What more is there in life than to make a difference to another human? When you told me that Vicky listened to my music while she was dying; I cried picturing that!

8) Favourite quote?

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

9) Favourite holiday location?

Right where I am. Since I’ve given myself permission to pursue my passionate love for writing and music – my life is like a holiday. I am a workaholic who doesn’t feel like it’s work.

10) How long have you been writing?

I discovered I loved writing in the sixth grade when I was eleven years old. My teacher was certain I’d be published someday. I tried to share with her that I published a maze book when I was in eighth grade, but she had already moved away and I didn’t know how to contact her.

–

Autograph Book from Elementary School

11) Favourite TV show?

This is hard to answer. It’s embarrassing because I hate television with a passion. It was always turned on in my bedroom and I searched for ways to ignore it; listening to music helped somewhat. If I could travel back in time to when I did enjoy TV, it was a very long time ago. Okay, here it is: Thirtysomething. It was such a wonderful show and I still remember many of the episodes.

I love old pictures. I was about 9 years old in this photo with my mother and brother, Norm.

11 Questions For My Nominees:

1. Are you able to express your true feelings? When you can’t, how do you deal with it?

2. Do you wake up to write because it can’t wait?

3. Do you love chocolate? If not, what is your favorite delight?

4. Is exercise a chore or something you enjoy?

5. Do you imagine what you will be doing ten years from now? Will you be happier?

6. What is your favorite color and how does it make you feel?

7. Are you good about backing up your computer?

8. What is your favorite song that moves you?

9. What is your favorite post on your blog?

10. Do you dream?

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 1”

I love inspiring other people.

A week ago, I spoke to a woman named Carol whom I reached out to on a Facebook grief site. We had some lovely exchanges, which I’ve already shared on my blog.

Last week, I received a message from Carol with a request from her for us to talk on the telephone. We both live on opposite coasts of the USA; Carol lives in New Jersey and I live in Los Angeles.

I called her and we were both on the phone for two hours. Carol wanted to discuss ways that I could share my music and writing with more people. It was very exciting for me to hear her ideas. I began to dream again about where my book and music would go.

Finally, I told her I was tired. I was going to go and pluck my guitar before going to bed.

I ended up propping up the phone on my music stand and playing a concert for her!

I sang while bending over near the phone. When I finished my first song, I picked up the phone. It was quiet, so I said, “Carol, are you still there?”

I heard a sniffle and her voice was teary as she said, “Oh my god, oh my god, you are making me cry – keep it coming, girl!”

I couldn’t believe that I was playing my guitar to someone I had just met over the phone!

Our exchange ended with Carol gushing, “Judy, you’ve inspired me to write again! My family can’t believe it. I made them all listen to your audio stories – it was important for me to do that because I wanted them to understand the depth of my pain losing my son. You have an amazing way of conveying that. I want to thank you for changing my life!”

This was taken at an open-mic performance where I courageously sang without my guitar!

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 2”

I was smiling when I saw that Tersia had nominated me for the Liebster Award. I needed that smile because my day had been particularly challenging.

Tersia had posted something about eagles two days before. After studying the requirements for my Liebster Award, I carefully re-read her earlier post. It was all about eagle chicks and what their mother would do in order to teach them to fly.

Her post had me rolling on the floor. It was such a perfect post for my day! I was completely stressed out from issues with both my teenagers.

I wondered how in the world I was going to keep pushing my children without being hated! This was the hardest job in the world and I wished I knew what to do. But after reading about eagle moms, I had a much lighter feeling and a far better perspective. Instead of worrying whether my children might hate me, I needed to continue pushing because otherwise I would actually cripple them.

This was her post and I highly recommend it to any parent with teenagers: I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE

Though I appreciated Tersia’s timing, I was very sad to read that she felt she had smothered her daughter; she ached because her daughter never had the chance to leave her nest. Tersia’s longing and torment was inconsolable.

Suddenly, I felt compelled to write a story about Tersia and Vicky. It was so vivid! I emailed my story to Tersia and this was what she wrote back to me:

“Thank you Judy for writing Vic and my story. I have decided to try to publish a book on Vic’s journey. I don’t have a clue how to go about it but I know, that with your permission, this will be the foreword of the book! Thank you, dear friend.”

ANGEL MOMMY AND ANGEL BABY

The mommy eagle awaited the arrival of her baby chick. But when the time came, her baby was flaccid and close to death. There was little chance her sickly baby would survive. The eagle mom decided to name her child angel baby and prayed she would not lose her. The name was perfect, because her baby continued to live despite all odds.

But the eagle mom was not an ordinary mom; she was actually an angel mom and that was why an angel baby was borne to her. Both of them were special beyond description and surprisingly, neither one knew it.

But everyone around else did. There was no other explanation as to how her baby chick survived. It definitely was miraculous.

Every ounce of the angel mom’s soul went into helping her baby survive. Her baby fiercely clung to survival because of her mother’s love.

While other eagle mom’s had babies that flew, this angel mom had a child that would never fly. How she wished she could help her baby! She decided that not only would she devote herself to her child’s survival, she would teach her sickly angel baby to fly without ever leaving the nest! There were other ways her baby could fly and together they discovered beautiful ways.

It was their secret and her angel baby loved flying. She closed her eyes when she flew; her beauty was exquisite and she glowed.

Angel mom was so devoted to her baby that she never allowed herself to fly. She chose to only fly while holding onto her baby. She never understood that it was this connection that actually gave her baby the ability to fly.

Soon her baby eagle grew up. Her angel baby treasured her amazing life. Her ability to fly without wings was a secret. To outsiders, she appeared to be a suffering and deformed creature.

Eventually though, it was time for the angel chick to fly alone; now she would go to places in heaven. And one day, she would be reunited with her angel mom and together they would fly again.

When angel baby left for heaven, angel mom was heartbroken and suffered horribly. Even though this was something both of them had anticipated for a long time, angel mom had no idea what to do.

Angel mom cried and cried. She wondered why other people had babies that could easily fly and didn’t leave for heaven prematurely. Typically, babies were set free to live.

Instead, she was forced to set her baby free flying to heaven!

Even though she had helped her angel baby to fly secretly during her difficult life, angel mom had no idea how to fly herself.

She was tormented with longing for her angel baby and felt truly alone.

Angel baby didn’t want to leave and was very worried about her angel mommy. In her short life, angel baby touched many people with her courage. She actually flew farther than any eagle could.

She decided to carry a message to her mother. She whispered a story to a friend to share with her angel mommy.

With her story, angel baby reminded her mommy that setting her free was beautiful; just as she had gifted her with life, she had gifted her with death.

All children must be set free. Angel baby wanted to thank her mom and remind her mommy it was time for her to learn to fly. It was never too late!

Angel baby wanted her mommy to know that she was capable of flying. Angel mom would inspire many others to join her while she soared.

© Judy Unger and
http://www.myjourneysinsight.com
. 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags:"sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, awards, blogger, child's death, composing, creativity, Daily Life, daughter vicky, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/, http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/, http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/, http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/, http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/, http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/, http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/, http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/, Humor, humor daily life, inspiration, Liebster Award, loss, lovesong, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, optimism, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, Tersia Burger, writing
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 3

February 24, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This is an example of one of my story covers for my upcoming audio book.

THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 1

This has been one of more challenging times in my life. My eye still bothers me and I have tremendous stress, which I cannot share.

To cope, I surround myself with music. My musical elixir continues to soothe my soul and inspire me. I cannot imagine what I would do without it. A few days ago, a new melody for a song began to play in my life. I am not sure at all what lyrics I’ll write, but I’m patient as I wait for inspiration.

Currently, I am celebrating that I suddenly have found a new and stronger voice. My vocal improvement is skyrocketing into the heavens as a result of working with Kimberly Haynes.

I have a tendency to talk a lot during my voice lessons. It’s because I become so excited by the opportunity to share my passion for music. In order to learn from Kimberly, I try really hard to concentrate. She is gentle, yet firm as she redirects me.

Kimberly is such a wonderful teacher. She is thoughtful as she demonstrates vocalizing, carefully explaining every detail in order to help me achieve the best vocal result. Her steady encouragement and positive approach shines. Once again, I’ve found laughter in my life. During the time we’re together, I work myself to exhaustion, but soar with joy hearing the results. Every week at our lesson, I share songs I’m going to work on with Kimberly. Her input has made a significant difference.

My music heals me in so many ways. In addition to singing, I am forging onward to create new arrangements and instrumental versions for some of my older songs.

Two weeks ago, I began working on a new arrangement with George that simply rocks! It is for one of my favorite songs, “Saying Goodbye.” This song will definitely benefit from my stronger voice.

It is fascinating that I am working on such an up-tempo and powerful song while I am going through a divorce. My song was written when I was 19 years old. I wrote it after breaking up with my future husband, whom I later reunited with. Later on, I revised a few words from my song so I could read them at Jason’s funeral

“Saying Goodbye” is applicable to many areas in my life, so it’s no surprise my song really moves me. My new arrangement is completely captivating. Even though it is not finished, it clearly has all the elements of a great song.

Every time I hear it, I feel my heart racing with joy!

Below is my instrumental arrangement, as well as a clip from a recent voice lesson with Kimberly. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

SAYING GOODBYE #4 INSTRUMENTAL 2/26/13

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt – Saying Goodbye

I often love to write about metaphors; my song lyrics and stories are filled with them.

Therefore, it is no coincidence that I see beautiful metaphors that relate what I’m learning about singing to improving my life. And those same concepts that help me improve as a singer, even apply to my tennis game!

Here are some examples with my interpretation in italics below it:

Before I sing, the best result happens with intense stillness and focus. I must stop my breath before I start. This helps me to better manage my air. I remind myself to loosen my jaw. And most importantly, I strive for the inspirational feeling that allows my vocals to resonate within my larynx. All of those things must coincide and require tremendous concentration.

Recently, I have found myself frenetically moving in many different directions. I believe that by constantly pushing myself, I am simply running away from my own feelings. I prefer not to stop and deal with painful emotions. I make more thoughtful decisions when I concentrate before moving forward. Music has inspired me to stop and listen.

Singing is very intimate and there is great vulnerability with it. Fear, which is one of the greatest inhibitors in life, comes into play for me while singing. I am often afraid to open my eyes and even more so, lately, because they bother me.

Closing my eyes definitely relates to my current life. I have been suffering greatly with accepting blurry vision in my left eye. But if I want to connect with my audience, I must force myself to keep my eyes open.

Probably the most major singing problem I have is my fear of singing out. Somewhere along the way, I decided to sing softly in order to be safe. As a result, I have formed habits of using my throat muscles in an unnatural way. I’ve suppressed my natural voice.

Pushing things down has resulted in unhealthy feelings and behaviors for me. Overeating is one example of this. Holding things in requires tremendous energy. It depletes me and diverts me from truly experiencing pleasure in life.

I am striving to discover a more complete voice for myself and am learning to use my “red voice” (similar to my speaking voice), which strengthens my tone. But in order to do this, I must be willing to experiment. Sometimes, it sounds horrible and feels strange. If I don’t allow for this – with the trust that it will improve, I will remain stuck in my old habits.

This is a perfect analogy about going through a divorce after 31 years of marriage. I uprooted my life, because I felt I deserved a chance to be happy. The adjustment is uncomfortable at times, but I have faith and confidence that things will improve.

I have been a pacifist all of my life. I was always trying so hard to force my children to get along. I never expressed my true feelings in my marriage. My husband and I never had arguments or fights. When I told him I wanted a divorce, we never even discussed my reasons for it. Suppressing my emotions became a habit; I have a lot of fear about expressing anger. Emerging from my divorce represents a new pathway. I am eager to find my stronger voice to express my true feelings again!

“Music inspired, while noise was empty”

I have finally begun to record vocals for many of my empty song arrangements. I started with my most recent song composition, “Music Saved Me.”

Clicking the blue link, plays audio:

This song has one of my favorite stories behind it. Below are links that share more about my song:

MUSIC SAVED ME

WHEN NOISE TURNED TO MUSIC

I am very close to releasing a CD of my music and audio book. Devoting myself to learning about music editing has been a full-time endeavor over the last two years. I want to share just a few things about it.

I taught myself Garage Band, and am adept at reducing harsh consonants and sibilance (S sounds) by using fades. An audio story contains hundreds of fades. Slowly, I am learning to work with the Pro-tools program; sometimes it has been overwhelming for me to take in so much. Below is an image that shows my work on Garage Band.

Reducing T

The countless hours of teaching myself editing techniques has enabled me to create vocals I am proud of. I choose the best parts from many vocal takes in order to achieve this. Now I am faced with deciding whether to re-record some of my song vocals with my improved voice. This is a dilemma. I far prefer to move forward and record vocals for my newer songs instead. I want to reach out and start helping people with my music and stories even if my recordings are not my absolute best.

At this juncture, I am not sure what I’ll do. But I will definitely have an improved vocal to go with the fabulous new arrangement for “Saying Goodbye.”

In addition to drawing mazes while bored in high school, sometimes I created elaborate patterns. My father saved this old drawing of mine.

My passion about singing and music is best shared with recordings from some of my recent lessons. Because people are often too busy to listen, I’ve transcribed parts of these recordings.

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #1

I am highlighting the words, which mention important concepts that truly are wonderful metaphors in my life.

Judy:

I got to sing this week! There was one glorious evening when my daughter went out and my son was gone, too. I sang for two hours. And what happened was my red voice started to come out; it was in all of my songs. I was celebrating it and loving it!

I did a recording a few days ago. I found I had some red voice, but pulled back. What I didn’t like was when I got to the chorus; I wanted to go a little stronger. But when I heard the red voice– I pulled back – it had a funny tone, wavering.

I have a waver in my voice, because when it does get strong, I don’t allow it. I’m afraid to hurt the microphone. I can play you my recording, so you can hear exactly what I’m talking about.

Kimberly:

Your jaw is still very involved – and look, I’m going to show you where your tongue is. It’s pulled back, which means it’s pressing down on your larynx. That causes your jaw to become involved. Also, there are so many things that happen when you compress all of the vowels.

Judy:

It’s so hard to remember to change it!

Kimberly:

You need to have this canister in here. The pharynx has to be blown up like a sail. Otherwise, the larynx pops up – it’s all compressed and there’s no resonance – so it sounds thin. You sing with a breathy voice, its lovely. You sing like that to your baby.

Judy:

But I agree with you, it doesn’t allow me to fully express how I feel if I sing only one way.

Kimberly:

But I think that you’re singing it to your baby. This is an important thing to notice about why you’re singing the way you’re singing.

Judy:

Sweetness and innocence . . . like you said to “a baby,” I’m a “lullaby singer.” Perhaps it’s because I’m healing myself and I’m trying to heal other people.

–

Here, I’ll show you the part that stuck out for me. The words are, “You’re my lovely light, just not in sight.” This was very important for me to express. For people grieving, they can’t cope with the loss. But even if you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there!

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #2

Judy:

Whenever it gets loud. These words have a problem: “Gone . . . Day . . . anything that’s big where I want to express it.

Kimberly:

Explosive consonants.

Judy:

Exactly! I sing the word “Day,” then I feel a waver and I’m tightening it up. At the end of the chorus, I totally pulled back. I really want to be able to keep going with that strength. This is a stronger song.

Kimberly:

So, I’m hearing a lot of breath. This is definitely something to get managed. Say it, “When I was younger.”

Judy:

But it sounds terrible.

Kimberly:

You have to do it, Judy. No matter who you are, if you’ve never used that voice – it’s not going to be this beauteous thing. You’ve got to use it before you can train it.

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #3

Kimberly:

We always sing from stoppage. You can’t have breath management if you don’t ever stop the breath.

Judy:

That’s a very big concept. Yeah, I was practicing that. And it’s so interesting, I’m trying so hard to round the vowels – it’s multi-tasking. I think of one thing and I can’t do the other at the same time. So I can do one or the other, but I’m going to really manage the air on this one.

Kimberly:

Believe me, I’m just going to keep nagging you, so don’t worry.

Judy:

You can nag me for the rest of my life. Trust me, you’re going to be in my head. You don’t know. I hear your voice all the time!

Kimberly:

I hope it’s a nice voice.

Judy:

It’s very nice. It’s all about what I want to do to improve. There’s motivation here. The main thing for me is I like to articulate. And I think there’s a reason for it. For years when I’ve listened to music, I don’t know what they’re saying. And people have totally have told me that they love my articulation because they understand me. So it’s just reinforced that. And I appreciate what you’re teaching me. The problem is that just like another language, my mouth is going there.

Kimberly:

You’re so habituated to over-pronouncing. I have to say I think there’s an enormous amount of power in your voice that you’re trying to suppress in a funny way.

Judy:

Yes! You heard my voice on that old cassette. In my youth, I didn’t worry about it – I blasted!

Kimberly:

There’s a lot of energy there. I think it would be a good exercise for you to just let it fly.

Judy:

In recordings, it’s always sounded horrible if I did that.

Kimberly:

Do it at home. You don’t have trust yet in that voice. You’re over trying. Don’t even worry about it.

Judy:

At least I can find it!

Kimberly:

Yes, It’s fantastic!

Judy:

I just remember that whenever I went to a low note with the blue voice I couldn’t rely on it and I’d have the air push it through. So now when I use the red voice, it’s so much easier. It’s like speaking. Thank god, I’m finding this just in time.

Kimberly:

Now hold that position – hold that speaking idea. We’re not talking, we’re speaking. Over time you will learn how to sing in that voice. See, I’m singing in that voice, but I’m doing it with a light touch. It’s the register; it’s the way that I let my chords come together.

A lot of times, there are muscles that we engage in order not to feel . . .

Judy:

I was just thinking of that! With the blue voice, I was thinking of Julie Andrews and the problems she had . . . trying to keep the breath going and soften things that naturally want to come out by holding it in.

Kimberly:

And she also did over-pronouncing.

Judy:

Oh, she did that, too?

Kimberly:

(Kimberly demonstrates by singing, “The sound of music.”)

Judy:

You’re right!

Kimberly:

Okay, so she was controlling all this stuff with these big, giant muscles out here. And she ended up having some pretty major problems.

Judy:

Later on: (Demonstrating an exercise) I practiced!

Kimberly:

(Smiling with pleasure) You sure did.

Judy:

I did. I’m a good student.

Kimberly:

Ahhh, honey, I’m so happy for you. I’m overwhelmed.

Judy:

Really, thank you. I am, too. Why not? It paid off!

Kimberly:

It’s a beautiful thing when you do that for yourself.

Judy:

I deserve this. I have so many songs that I love!

Tags:composing, creativity, Friendship, Garage Band, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, loss, lovesong, lyric development, metaphors, metaphors about singing, Music, music editing, musical inspiration, musical passion, navigating divorce after a long marriage, opening up, original songs, performing, red voice and blue voice, saying goodbye, singing, singing openly, singing techniques, song arrangements, songwriting, vocal coaching, vocalizing, voice lessons, voice teacher
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