LATER RECORDINGS – Click on the blue link below to play my song:
However, I guess I still feel compelled to continue writing.
“BESIDE ME ALWAYS”
REVISED LYRICS
Copyright 2010 by Judy Unger
I searched through shrouded darkness
Wanting you, and nothing less
Seems my whole life I’ve waited
In darkness that was fated
I’ll live within my broken heart
Littered with your unfinished start
All the memories have me haunted
You’re all I’ve ever wanted
And when my tears are flowing
And I don’t know where I’m going
I’ll think of you and you’re beside me always
In the breeze that’s blowing
You’ll surround me in a breeze that’s blowing
I know that I will still exist
longing for the soul I’ve kissed
Dreaming that you’re in a distant sky
the breeze it comforts while I cry
I know you’d tell me, “When your tears are flowing
And you’re not sure where you’re going
Just think of me, and I’m beside you always
In the breeze that’s blowing, I’ll surround you
in the breeze that’s blowing; that’s blowing”
I wrote my song, “Beside Me Always,” as a break-up song when I was seventeen-years-old. After Jason died, I modified the lyrics to three of my songs to better fit “the amputation of my soul.” Those songs were Saying Goodbye, More Than You Know, and “Beside Me Always.” Of the three, “Beside Me Always” had lyrics closest to expressing my heartache and anguish over losing my child with his “unfinished start.”
When Jason died, I did not have much time to decide what I’d say at his funeral. I began my eulogy on a tape for my child by reading the new and revised lyrics to “Beside Me Always” and Saying Goodbye. After that, I recorded the revised song onto a cassette to play at his graveside. “Beside Me Always” was a song I never forgot how to play. Even though I seldom played my guitar for thirty years, I would occasionally practice it. I even performed it at a good friend’s funeral.
Once a year, I would play “Beside Me Always” at the annual, candle-lighting ceremony held by the Compassionate Friends, an organization for bereaved parents and families. I clearly remember the large group of bereaved parents embracing tightly in a circle under the stars. I would sing and pour my heart out while candles memorializing other dead children flickered in the darkness.
Even though I only changed a few words when I revised “Beside Me Always,” my song was quite different for me after that. Changing the lyrics was such an interesting twist for a song that expressed my sadness and loneliness after breaking up with a boyfriend. The original lyrics were about my search for love and the resulting disappointment. I was regretful and certain I would miss my boyfriend.
“BESIDE ME ALWAYS”
ORIGINAL LYRICS
Copyright 2010 by Judy Unger
I searched through shrouded darkness
Wanting more, but finding less
Seems my whole life I’ve waited
In darkness that I’ve hated
I lived amidst broken hearts
Littered with unfinished starts
Empty dreams had me haunted
I didn’t know what I wanted
But when my tears are flowing
And I don’t know where I’m going
I think of you and you’re beside me always
In the breeze that’s blowing
You surround me in a breeze that’s blowing
I thought that I could just exist
without your love, but now you’re missed
And I realize how I did care,
and now you’re no longer there
You used to tell me, “When your tears are flowing
And you don’t know where you’re going
Just think of me, and I’m beside you always
In the breeze that’s blowing, I’ll surround you
in a breeze that’s blowing; that’s blowing”
I was writing about my life at the same time that I was rediscovering my music. Through my writing, I had shared what I had learned and was still learning. I had finally learned a great deal about how to take care of myself after so many years of caregiving. My life became exciting because I made the decision to pursue things that brought me excitement. I was truly a different person and I would never go back to the way I was. I was so much happier and I felt so much younger.
At the same time I began recording my songs, I was also searching for a way to perform my music. It was a huge step for me. I started with open mic venues, where I was allowed to play only one song. It was especially challenging because I became so nervous that I was physically sick to my stomach.
The original chord progression in a higher key allowed me to passionately strum and sing out on the chorus. When I performed “Beside Me Always” for the first time, I strummed the chorus and I sang the high notes loudly as I always had over the last thirty years. I cringe at remembering how I sounded in that higher key! Not long after that, I attended a performer’s workshop that was held at the same location where I had performed. The instructor recommended that I stop singing in such high keys. He told me that even though I could hit those high notes, it was far more pleasant to listen to my voice in a lower register.
I had always believed that the guitar parts to my song could not be replicated in another key. After that workshop, I stayed up late at night attempting to transpose the chords for “Beside Me Always” into a lower key. As I experimented, I discovered chords with a beautiful, haunting quality. The music conveyed so much aching sadness as I played my guitar. I began heaving with sobs and was deeply moved by my song. It was now musically and lyrically joined. My song became a sincere expression of my loss and heartache.
I sang that song for such a long time in the higher key. I learned that improvement was possible when there was willingness to accept change. Transposing “Beside Me Always” was the beginning of my lowering the keys for all of my songs. I began to sing my song in a new way, and I became a new performer. I felt like I was becoming a new person, too. I would always be a bereaved parent. Certainly, I was still a mother, a daughter, and a wife. I had challenges with having teenage children and elderly parents. But my identity had completely changed. I loved the idea that I was not only an artist, but also a musician and a writer. Most of all, I reveled in simply being an improved, human being.
After I transposed “Beside Me Always,” I was eager to perform it. My song felt like it was completely new. At my first performance I introduced myself and said softly, “I am a bereaved parent, but my song could be for anybody who has lost someone.” Instantly, the room became hushed. I savored the experience as I played for an audience of perhaps thirty other songwriters. When I was leaving, I walked toward my car in the beautiful, cool night air. A young man stopped me and said he wanted to tell me something. I thanked him for his kind compliment. I sat in my car for a few moments allowing the impact of his words to sink in. He had said, “Your song was the most beautiful song I have ever heard.”
I wrote “Beside Me Always” when I was seventeen-years-old. I only changed a few lyric lines on the verses. I did not change any lyrics of the chorus. The meaning behind chorus lyrics was very important for me. I loved the concept of how on the first two choruses I was sad and needed the comfort of feeling surrounded as my “tears were flowing.” However, on the last chorus it was different. On that last chorus, I was being reassured that I was indeed surrounded. Originally it might have been by my past lover, but with grief it felt much more profound. I envisioned myself bereft as I sang the first part of the song, but it was on that last chorus when I had an amazing revelation.
I realized that I was indeed surrounded by the love I was searching for. The words, “I know you’d tell me,” was a projection of my understanding that Jason would not have wanted me to be sad. From the distant sky where he resided, he was telling me that he was definitely “beside me” to always comfort me with a breeze.
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tags: "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, child's death, childhood friendship, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, parenting, performing, singing, songwriting, writing
March 23, 2010 at 12:18 am |
Judy, You need to keep writing. Thank you for sharing. No we never accept the loss of our parents. In my heart, I too said goodbye to them way before they died. They were so sick off and on for so long. Yet, I feel that they have been with me these past years. My father helped us find the perfect used car for Ben. My mother can’t talk to me, but she sends me people who say things to me that she would have said. It is comforting believing that.